Life is loves enemy
by Whovian11th
Summary: Lana Lovegrove and Criss Angel met under strange circumstances. They have had quite the relationship so far. Now Lana and Criss take their relationship to Vegas, Sin City itself. Where Lana is thrown into the spot light and her life once again unravels. Can their love surpass everything that is about to be thrown at them? Is life really loves enemy? Sequel to Magic and dreams.
1. To leave this all behind

A/N: I'm pretty much picking up where the first one left off, so yes, that does mean things are going to be very heated, interesting and dramatic. :) Thanks to everyone who reviewed my last story. I didn't want to stop writing it because I am in love with this story. So thanks to my readers who have let me know how much they enjoy Lana and Criss' story, so here it is :) Life is loves enemy. Hope you all enjoy it :)

* * *

**To leave this all behind**

* * *

_I think that I'm just tired,_

_I think I need a new town,_

_To leave this all behind_

_Augustana – Boston_

I sat in my bedroom window and watched as the storm clouds rolled in. Flashes of light lit up the night sky and the thunder cracked loudly. It had been only a week since Criss had asked me to marry him, of course I said yes, I wasn't stupid. Criss wanted me to move to Vegas with him. And since the incident, the only person who would speak to me was Jo. I had told my brothers I was leaving. They were upset, but they knew it was something I had to do. My mother was still cross with me over our fight, and now she was even more angry at me for almost killing myself. She pretended she didn't care I was leaving, but I knew she really did. At least I hoped she did.

I twirled my engagement ring around my finger. Every lightning strike making it shine brightly into my eyes. I was very happy with how things had turned out. Granted, I wish it hadn't taken me almost dying for things to go this way. But none the less, it was in the past. Criss explained to me how hard it was for him to be without me. Told me how he could no longer take not having me, which was when he had decided to surprise me for my birthday. He had stopped on the way and spent hours picking out the perfect engagement ring. He knew I didn't like big gaudy things, so he couldn't decide on what to get. He planned on getting up on stage and asking me to marry him in front of the whole bar. He said it was going to be the best and biggest birthday present I had ever gotten, then everything happened.

Costa was ecstatic when Criss told him we were getting married, as I knew he would be. Costa liked me from the start, of course he was a little weary about our relationship at first, but he never voiced it. Criss had phoned his mom to tell her, I could hear her screaming with joy from across the room. I hadn't met his mom yet, she still lived in new york. She was planning on coming to Vegas to meet me. I could hear her as she giggled with joy. "Christopher," she said, "I am so happy for you! Your brothers have been telling me all about her, which, remind me to smack you for not telling me about her. But I'm so glad! Finally! My Christopher is happy and getting married to the right girl! When can I meet her?" I couldn't help but laugh at Criss. He kept giving me funny looks the entire time he was on the phone with his mom. I was wondering how much JD and Costa had told her. Obviously they left out the bad stuff, otherwise she wouldn't have been so happy.

JD was even exited. I was surprised when JD flung himself at Criss and hugged him tight. What caught me off guard even more was when he threw me into a bear hug, spouting about how happy he was for us. I wondered what had happened those 6 weeks that Criss and I were broken up. The day they had left the airport, that horrible day, I could have sworn I had seen JD smile as Criss said those awful things to me. What changed?

"Hey," I heard Criss whisper. I glanced to the door as he walked towards me, "what are you doing?"

"Just watching the storm come in." I told him and turned my gaze back to the sky. "Its so beautiful, and something about it, its just so.. calming." Criss took a seat beside me in the window, placed his hand on mine and watched me. "I'm gonna miss this window." I smiled lightly. My bay window. Ever since I was a kid, I had wanted a bay window in my bedroom. When I decided to buy a house for myself at 22, I made sure I found one with my bedroom window. I had sat in that window so many times, with so many different stories on any given day. So many times, I had watched the storms roll through as I sat and thought about my life.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked me. I took a good look at him, trying to figure out if he was being serious.

"Are you kidding me? Do you not remember what happened the last time you left me?" I instantly regretted saying that. I watched as the expression on his face suddenly changed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"No, Lana, really, if you don't want to do this, we can figure something else out. I know its taking a lot out of you to leave your home." he told me and cupped his hand around my face. I placed my hand on his and nuzzled my face into his palm.

"Criss, I would do anything to be with you. And yes, it may be hard to adjust at first, but I would much rather spend my life with you and no one else, then spend it with every one else and not you." I slid his palm to my mouth and kissed it. He smiled and leaned into me to kiss my lips.

"The truck left, they said everything should arrive within 24 hours. If we aren't back by then, JD said he would make sure he would sign for it all." Criss told me. Criss and I had spend the last week packing the things I wanted to take with me. It wasn't much, pictures, nicknacks, toiletries, clothes, favorite blankets, that kind of stuff. He had called his boss, the luxor owner, and had explained to him our situation. Mainly that his girlfriend almost committed accidental suicide, and that he needed a week or two off to get things situated. Of course that meant canceling some of his shows, but Criss justified it by saying 'my loyals are exactly that, loyal, and they understand when things happen in my life, they aren't like normal fans and get pissed at you for canceling a show, they come out and tell you they understand and they will be praying for you and hoping everything turns out okay'. I certainly hoped he was right.

We had decided not to sell my house. Considering my family all lived in Michigan. Criss said instead of buying a new expensive house, we could just keep mine and use it when we came to visit. Which was fine with me. I had been in that house for four years and although it wasn't too long, I didn't really want to part with it. Criss' jet was scheduled to take us to Vegas at 9 am the next morning, this was the last night I would spend in my house.

"You ready for bed?" Criss asked me. I snapped out of my thoughts and turned my eyes to him. Knowing this was the last night in my house, I felt a little sentimental. I could feel tears stinging my eyes as they fought their way to the surface. I swallowed hard as I held them back and nodded. He took my hand in his and led the way to the bed, flipping off the light as he crawled into bed next to me. I lifted myself up onto his chest and nestled my face into his neck. This was our usual night time ritual. Only tonight things felt different. I didn't know if it was because tomorrow I would no longer be a Michigander, leaving everything I've ever known behind me. Or if it was because I knew this was the last night I would have with Criss, that it was just me and him, no one else. As soon as we stepped off the airplane in Vegas, we were no longer Christopher Sarantakos and Lana Lovegrove, we were Criss Angel and his new fiance. Vegas, Sin City, and I was about to enter into a life I had no idea how to live.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criss Angel or any of his family and friends. Nor do I own Jared leto or any real life people. Lana is a fictional character.**


	2. Insatiable

**Insatiable**

* * *

_The moonlight plays upon your skin,_

_A kiss that lingers takes me in,_

_I fall asleep inside of you,_

_There are no words there's only truth,_

_Breathe in breathe out there is no sound,_

_We move together up and down,_

_We levitate our bodies soar,_

_Our feet don't even touch the floor._

_Darren Hayes – Insatiable_

* * *

I couldn't sleep. My brain was frantic, I was very anxious. Of course I had a lot to be anxious about. In less than 8 hours I would be boarding a plane to Vegas, with the love of my life, but leaving everything else behind. I knew Criss was worth it. I knew I couldn't survive without him. Which was why I was going despite my doubts. Criss was what I needed, and if I had to follow him to Fiji, then I would.

"Are you asleep?" Criss whispered to me.

"No." I whispered back.

"Whats the matter?" He asked in a normal tone.

"My brain wont stop, its speeding, at least 50 miles an hour over the speed limit." I smiled and looked up at him. I felt his chest vibrate as he laughed.

"Never heard it put that way before," He smiled and looked down to me. "why is it speeding?" he chuckled again and tightened his grip around me, kissing the top of my head. I shrugged.

"I dunno, just wondering about a lot of things."

"Like what?" he asked.

"Like, what the weather will be like in Vegas, how much different it'll be from Michigan. How long Ill have to go without seeing my family. Just a bunch of stupid crap."

"Lana, I told you, you can use my jet whenever you want. You can come back here every day if you need to, as long as you're back in time to be in my arms every night." he smiled.

"I know, I'm not worried Criss, its just exciting and nerve wrecking at the same time. But like I said, I will not go without you ever again." I scooted up to his face and placed my lips on his. He softly returned the kiss.

"I could take your mind off from things ya know? Make you forget, and make good memories of your last night in Michigan." he grinned at me.

"Oh yea? Hows that?" I asked.

He pulled me closer to him and threw his lips to mine again. Only this time he rolled me over so I was on my back and he laid on top of me. He slipped his tongue into my mouth and his hand quickly made its way up my shirt. I shivered as his hand massaged my breast. I pulled away and looked up at him shocked. Ever since Criss had left me back in December, he hadn't touched me since. Yea, the occasional kiss here and there, and of course, the constant kissing after he had almost lost me. But that was as far as it went. I wasn't sure if he was scared of throwing me over the edge again, or what. I didn't know, all I knew, was ever since he came back, he had been very hesitant on going any further than kissing. It reminded me of being in middle school again.

"Criss?" I asked confused as I stared up at him. He didn't say a word, he simply grinned down at me. His hand softly slid down my body and stopped at my hip, he hooked his finger around my waist band and slowly pulled my shorts from my body. I didn't know what to say or do, I was extremely surprised at how he was acting. He grabbed the bottom of my tank top and pulled it over my head before I knew what was happening. I was now completely naked, laying in bed with Criss, as he softly kissed my neck. He lifted his head, his eyes stayed focused on mine as he placed his hand on my thigh and slowly slid apart my legs. My heart was pounding rapidly. Was this it? Were we finally going to have sex?

My question got answered when I felt him slip two fingers inside of me. I closed my eyes, inhaled sharply and held my breath. I moaned softly as he slowly moved his fingers in and out. Criss grinned down at me and crashed his lips to mine again. This time I responded back with a hungrier kiss than his. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in closer. His fingers were driving me mad as they slid in and out. I pushed him upwards without breaking our kiss and yanked his boxers off, then pulled him back down on top of me, placing my legs on the outside of his. Criss moaned loudly as I began to stroke him, almost matching the rhythm of his fingers. He was solid as a rock.

He pulled his mouth from mine and removed his fingers. He held himself above me with his hands and gazed down at me. He was breathing hard and had an obvious look of urgency in his eyes.

"Criss?" I asked him. He smiled down at me but didn't move. "What?" I asked, suddenly feeling self conscious. He lowered himself down so his mouth was to my ear.

"Are you ready." He whispered to me, sending shivers down my spine. Before I even knew what I was doing, I had grabbed the back of his neck and smashed his mouth back onto mine. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I pulled him closer until I felt him resting against me. I wiggled my body, making sure he could feel my sudden and extreme wetness. He broke our kiss to gaze down at me again. He had one of the biggest grins that I had ever seen on his face.

I gasped suddenly and dug my nails into his back as he pushed himself in without warning. "Oh my god!" I yelled. As he pushed further I could feel my need for him rushing to the surface. Everything that I had been worrying about had vanished in that moment. All I could concentrate on was how perfectly we fit together, like we were made for each other. He stared down at me as our hips slowly rocked together. When a satisfied smile crept onto his face he leaned down to kiss me. His kiss felt so different. It was softer and more passionate than he had ever kissed me before. He moved his lips to my neck. Our movements picked up pace and it wasn't long before I was panting heavily. I could faintly hear Criss grunt with each thrust as he sucked harder on my neck.

"Criss." I moaned softly. My hands slid down his body and stopped on his butt. I squeezed, digging my nails into his skin and pulled him further into me. He responded back by pushing harder against me, forcing my legs farther apart and going deeper. I cried out with pleasure and dug my nails harder. He went deeper with every push, until I was screaming with every movement. My body twitched each time he pushed in, it was sheer pleasure, a feeling I had never felt before.

As our bodies moved in sync Criss grunted loudly. The sound of his groans made me ache for more. I didn't know how much longer I could take it. I could feel myself reaching my peak. I tried as hard as I could to keep myself from bursting. With Criss moving in out and of me, hitting the perfect spot each time, it was the best feeling I had ever felt, something I had never experienced with a man before, a feeling that I didn't even know existed. And I never wanted it to end. Criss lifted his head from my neck and placed his forehead onto mine. I laced my fingers into his hair. He groaned as I gripped a handful and pulled.

I felt as if I was going to burst into flames at any moment. Criss grunted and groaned loudly as his thrusts got harder. He lowered his hips slightly, slowly pushing in deeper, and quickly went back to thrusting. My body felt as if was going to float away. I moaned louder with every shove he gave me. And I could feel myself starting to drift away in my ecstasy. It seemed as if I had lost consciousness but I felt every nerve tingle in my body, and with every move Criss made, I moaned louder and louder.

He adjusted his hips lower, pushing deep inside, deeper than I had ever felt before. His sudden movement pulled me back from my deep state of ecstasy and I screamed loudly as his adjustment hit the perfect spot, sending me spiraling over the edge. I held on as long as I could, until I slapped my hands onto the bed, wound the sheets up into my fists, arched my back, and let the fire consume me.

"Oh my god! Criss!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as my body went numb, all I could feel was the pleasure surging through my veins as I reached my climax. My body twitched from head to toe as Criss rocked us back and forth harder, making me scream for him louder. I felt him push deep inside one last time before he grunted loudly. I felt the warmth inside me as he lost it. He sat still for a moment as we both came down from our highs.

As soon as I could think clearly again I looked up at him, he was staring down at me with a grin. His breathing was fast and hard but he kept smiling. He leaned down to kiss me before he collapsed on top of me. I wrapped my arms around him and we both tried to catch our breath.

"Criss! That was... amazing!" I exclaimed breathlessly. He propped himself up to look at me.

"Houdini with a little weenie." he winked.

"Little my ass!" I grinned up at him.

"Shh, thatll be our little secret." He grinned at me crookedly.

"Criss, I think I'm stuck." I told him as I felt the pain shoot down my legs when I tried to move them. He laughed slightly and slowly rolled off from me, falling back onto the bed. I flinched as I stretched out my legs.

"Oh my god!" I groaned. "My legs hurt! How long were we at it?" I asked as I rolled my head to the side to face him. He glanced up at the clock and rolled his head to face me.

"Bout an hour and a half." He answered.

"Nuh uh!" I was surprised. I was caught up in the moment so much, that it didn't seem that long. "Was I making noises through the whole thing?" I asked and blushed slightly. I vaguely remembered my loud moaning. It was strange, it just happened moments ago, but I could only remember some of it, it felt as if I had been put into a trance.

Criss shook his head yes. "Through the whole thing, that and, screaming my name." I felt myself blush. "I thought I was supposed to be the loud one." He laughed as he placed his on my stomach.

"Cheap move by the way." I glared at him.

"What?" He asked innocently.

"How did you know?" I asked him.

"Lana, I don't know what you're talking about." he lied.

"How did you know that would turn me on?" I ignored his innocent looks. He grinned at me.

"Because I saw how you reacted the first time I said it to you." he told me. I felt my cheeks start to burn and I rolled over to smash my face into the pillow. Criss leaned over me.

"Are you ready?" he whispered in my ear. I shivered and blindly swung my hand backwards. He laughed loudly and caught my hand before I could hit him.

"Seriously?" I playfully shouted, rolling over and propping myself up on my elbows. "Don't do that! We wont get any sleep tonight if you keep it up." I smiled at him. I looked up at my clock and noticed how late it was. Had we really been at it that long?

"But I love hearing you scream my name." He smiled.

"I wasn't screaming your name." I denied as I tried to remember how loud I really was. I must have been really out of it.

"Oh, yes you were." he teased and inched closer to my face. He kissed me slowly, pushing me back into the bed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back.


	3. And we'll all float on okay

**And we'll all float on okay**

* * *

_Alright, already and we'll all float on,_

_alright, already we'll all float on,_

_alright, don't worry, even if things end up a bit too heavy,_

_we'll all float on_

_Modest Mouse – Float on_

* * *

"That, just put that in the spare room." I said as I rummaged through a box being held in front of me. I watched as men hurried in and out of the front door. Carrying boxes of my miscellaneous items. Criss was, of course, at work, discussing only god knew what. No one ever knew what he was up to, except his brothers, who refused to tell me anything. Criss promised me he would help me unpack things as soon as he got home. But I was okay with it. I knew he had to work, that part came with the territory. And since he took two weeks off to help me get things settled, he had a lot of catching up to do. But tonight was a special night, the first night I was officially living with Criss in serenity.

"Criss Angel engaged to be married?" the tv blared, catching my attention. I turned and watched as a ridiculously tan blonde woman sat at her desk talking to her co workers, TMZ, figures, they were always in celebrities personal lives. It didn't take long before the world knew about our engagement. A picture of me and Criss walking through the airport hand in hand flashed across the screen.

"Whats this girls name?" A short dark haired man asked her.

"Lana Lovegrove." The girl told him. "Apparently this girl has some history."

"Uh oh." The guy responded.

"Yea, just last week she was admitted to the hospital for," the tv suddenly shut off. I spun around to see Costa standing in the middle of the room. He tossed the remote onto the end table.

"Come on Lana, you don't need to watch that. You know they're going to make up their own stories that aren't true, they're gonna twist the real story. People are going to fuss about you not being good enough for Criss. Its just a bunch of bullshit, that you my dear, do not need to worry about." He said to me as he placed his hands on my shoulders. "Hows everything coming?"

I shrugged. "Pretty good, got almost everything in already, now just need to start unpacking. What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Criss sent me over, to make sure everything was going smoothly." he smiled, satisfied that he had taken my mind away from the gossip.

"So, you're my baby sitter huh?" I sighed as I plopped on the couch. Ever since we had left the hospital, Criss hadn't left my side, he never said it, but I knew he wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. When we sat on the plane he tried explaining to me in a nice way, that he was going to have his brothers in and out of the house while he was at work, to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. Of course those weren't his exact words, but I could see through his politeness. I wasn't suicidal, and I wasn't an alcoholic, anymore. The only reason those events even happened was because Criss left me. But Criss and I were together now, and happy, there was no need for alcohol, and certainly no thoughts of suicide had ever run through my head. Criss wasn't too thrilled when he found out alcoholism runs in my family. If anything, it made him more paranoid. But after seeing all the real alcoholics in my one AA class that I was ordered to take, I realized that the path I was on, wasn't a good one.

Costa laughed softly. "No, I'm not a baby sitter, Criss is just worried about you. He doesn't want another accident." He said and sat down next to me. "He loves you, and just wants to make sure you're adjusting." I felt bad for being angry about this. I knew Criss was just worried about me, and I should have been grateful that he cared about me that much. But I was 26, a grown woman, and I hated being treated like a child. That mixed with my attitude and stubbornness, whoever was 'watching' me for the day, was more or less doomed.

I forced a smile onto my face. "I know, I'm sorry. Thank you for being here Costa, it means a lot to me. Its nice to know that I have in laws who care about me, er, soon to be in laws." I smiled for real that time.

"Lana, you're like the little sister I never had." He grinned at me. "And apart from the previous issues you and Criss have gone through, which I'm hoping are part of the past for good. I personally think Criss couldn't have found a better girl to settle down with."

"Thank you Costa." I told him and gave him a hug.

"Do you think Criss ever will?" I blurted out. "Settle down, I mean."

"Sweetie, he asked you to marry him didn't he?"

"Well, yea, but, I mean, stop doing all of his stunts, have kids, all that kind of stuff." I said quietly.

Costa shrugged. "I don't know Lana. Criss' work is very important to him. What I do know, is that he is madly in love with you, and love can do very strange things. Only time will tell." he smiled. "Listen, I have a few things I have to get done, you going to be okay by yourself?" he asked.

"You're leaving me alone? Without Criss' permission?" I acted shocked. Costa laughed.

"You're a big girl, and I trust you. Criss might be pissed, but I think after he realizes you were alone, for almost an entire day, and nothing happened, maybe he'll ease up a little bit." He winked at me.

"Thanks Costa." I told him.

"Just don't make me regret it." he glared at me. I held my palms up in the air.

"I have no intentions of doing so."

"Alright, you have my number if you need anything." He said and hauled himself off the couch and stepped out of the door. Finally, I had some peace. Not that I didn't enjoy the company. I was just a little tired of feeling like my every move was being watched.

I sat for a moment, enjoying the silence. I reached down to pet the lump of fur that curled up beside me.

"Hi Hammie." I whispered as I listened to him purr. I sighed to myself, I had a lot of unpacking to do. I heaved myself from the couch. Snagging my ipod, I threw on my ear buds, blared the music into my ears and went to work. It had been so long since I had been able to enjoy my music. I pounced around the house happily as I went along ripping through my boxes.

It had been a couple hours, at least it seemed. Unpacking my things had time passing by quickly.

"Lana?" I heard Criss call as the front door slammed.

"In the bedroom." I called back. I had almost gotten everything unpacked.

"Wheres Costa?" Criss asked me and leaned against the door frame.

"He said he had some errands to run." I told him. I watched carefully as he flexed his jaw.

"Huh. He was supposed to help you unpack things." I could see it on his face, he was angry.

"Criss, I'm not stupid," I laughed, "you sent him here to make sure I didn't do anything to myself."

"I would never." he smiled. He pushed off the door and walked over to me. He gave me a soft kiss.

"Trying to distract me?" I smirked.

"I just don't want anything to happen to you. I love you too much, and I almost lost you once, I wont have it again." he told me.

"Criss, I promise its not gonna happen again. I have you now, and that's all I need to find my will to live." I grinned up at him and pecked him on the lips. As I pulled my lips from his he quickly snagged my head and threw me back into another kiss.

"So, first night in our new home together." he winked at me. "We made your last night in your house special, how about we make your first night living with me special?" He raised an eyebrow at me as he walked me backwards towards the bed and lightly tossed me onto it.

* * *

A/N: In case some of you don't know what Serenity is, its the house Criss Angel had built for himself in Nevada. :)


	4. Castle of glass

**_Castle of Glass_**

* * *

_Bring me home in a blinding dream,_

_Through the secrets that I have seen,_

_Wash the sorrow from off my skin,_

_And show me how to be whole again._

_Linkin Park – Castle Of Glass_

* * *

**CPOV**

I watched with amusement from the living room as Lana ran back and fourth through the house. Running from the bathroom to bedroom to the kitchen then back to the bathroom.

"Babe, ya know, you don't have to worry so much about how you look, my moms going to love you no matter what." I laughed as she ran back into the bedroom again.

Tonight was my first night off since Lana and I had been living together. I had spent most of the week at work. I didn't want to, but I didn't have a choice, there was a lot of catching up to do since I had taken last week off to help Lana get back up on her feet after her accident. For most of the week, by the time I had gotten home, Lana was already tangled up in the blankets fast asleep. And by the time she had woken up, I was already off to work. It was something that her and I were both going to have to get use to. But that didn't mean either of us had to like it. I missed her. Every night when I came home and found her snuggled in bed, I would crawl up next to her and hug her tightly to me. I would lay in bed for an hour at least, gazing at her, watching her sleep, before I fell asleep myself. But it just wasn't enough. Tonight, after dinner with my mom, I was going to make sure it was just Lana and me, and nothing else.

Lana had spent most of her time getting her things situated around the house, and looking around town for jobs. I didn't think it would be too hard for her to find one, considering we were close to Vegas and she was a choreographer. But she didn't seem to be having any luck. Yesterday, when we talked for our whole 10 minutes we had together before I had to rush to work, she had mentioned that she was thinking of starting her own dance studio. That was about as in depth we got about it before I had to run out the door.

"I'm glad you're so sure, but first impressions are important, and I don't want your mom thinking I'm a slob or anything." She called out as she ran back into the bathroom. I heaved myself off the couch and walked back towards the bedroom, taking a seat on the bed. "Besides, this is the first time you and I will be seen together officially in public, and god knows I don't want your fans thinking you settled for a loser." She grinned at me as she walked through the bedroom door, her head cocked sideways and her fingers strapping in her diamond earring.

"Babe, you are far from a loser. You are the most extraordinary woman on the planet, and you're my fiancee." I smiled. "Now would you please sit down and relax for a minute." She stood in front of me and stared at me. She wore a mid thigh silk dress that hugged her body tightly, showing every curve she had. The front was cut low and the red silk shimmered in the light. Her curly brown and blonde streaked hair flowed down her body, stopping slightly above her butt. I could smell her fruit scented hairspray, which was needed to keep her side swept bangs from falling back into her face. I loved it when she wore her hair down. It wasn't very often she let her natural curls hang loosely, claiming having such long hair got annoying and it got in the way. But I had noticed since I hinted to her that her natural hair turned me on, she had been wearing it down more often.

Her footprint necklace, which she never took off, nestled neatly against her chest and her diamond earrings sparkled, completing her outfit. She looked extremely beautiful. She always did. She didn't need make up, or jewelry, or clothes for that matter. She was naturally beautiful. I never understood why woman felt the need to fancy themselves up. I always liked my woman the way they were. But, with Lana being in the spotlight now, I guess I understood to an extent.

"Well at least tell me what you think? Is the red okay? Or should I wear the blue one? I should wear the blue one shouldn't I?" She asked before she darted off to the heap of clothes that she had managed to fling all over the bedroom floor. I quickly ran to her and snagged her around the waist, pulling her body back into mine before she started her rampage all over again.

"Lana, you look absolutely gorgeous. The red one is perfect. You need to relax a bit babe. Besides, red is your color, you look sexy in red. And you smell good enough to eat." I grinned and leaned down to kiss her neck. She bent her arm backwards and wrapped it around my neck. I moaned quietly as her butt sank back, rubbing against me in just the right spot. I slid my hand to the front of her hip and pulled her closer into me. "I miss you Lana."

"I miss you too baby." She whispered. I kissed her neck again, letting my lips linger on her skin. I smiled to myself as I felt her body shiver.

Slowly, I slid my hand down her thigh until I felt bare skin, then slid my hand up the inside of her thigh pulling her dress up as I went. "Criss we cant. Not right now." She whispered "You know how long it took me to get ready." she sighed softly. I kissed her neck again. "Babe.." she moaned. I bit my lip and hesitantly let her go.

"I'm sorry babe, you're just so sexy, I cant help myself." I told her as she spun around to face me. She grinned up at me and pecked me on the lips.

"Excuses." she smiled. "You'll get plenty of me when we get home. But right now we have to go." I sighed heavily and trailed behind her. I had no doubts that tonight was going to go off without a hitch. I knew Lana was nervous, she was trying her hardest not to show it, but I already had her down like the back of my hand.

"Christopher!" I heard my mom call from across the room when we finally arrived at the restaurant.

"Mom." I yelled as I swiftly scooped up Lanas hand and rushed to my mother. We weaved in and out of the crowd of people, finally reaching her. "Mom! I missed you." I said as I leaned down and kissed my mom on the cheek and gave her a long hug.

"I missed you too! Too much. You need to visit more Christopher. I miss you so much." she smiled at me. "Since I have to fly back tomorrow, next time its your turn to visit." she smiled.

"I know Ma, I'm sorry, things have just been really busy." I explained.

"I know. And since you're getting married now." She said with a twinkle in her eye, as she took a long look at Lana.

"Ma, this is Lana, my fiancee. Lana, this is my mom." I introduced them.

"Nice to finally meet you Lana. I'm Dimitra." My mom told Lana as she embraced her into a big hug. "The boys have told me so much about you," She said and eyeballed me with her usual disappointed look, it clearly meant I was in trouble for not introducing them sooner. "I couldn't wait any longer to meet you. I want to hear all about you." Ma smiled as she took Lanas arm into hers and lead the way to our table. We had gotten a V.I.P. table. I figured it would be best, since my mother and fiancee were meeting for the first time, that we be secluded from fans and interruptions. I half expected to see my brothers waiting patently at the table when we arrived. But they weren't. My mother clearly noticed my disappointment.

"Your brothers wanted to come, but I insisted they stay home and wait for my call. I wanted to meet Miss Lana on my own. Just the three of us, that way we can focus strictly on you two." She smiled as she answered my unspoken question. For some reason, I knew what was going to be the topic of the night. Lana and I getting married. When, where, how many kids and such. I loved my mother dearly, but she did have a tendency to nag when it came to my relationships and future. I knew she wanted nothing but the best for me, but she did seem to push when it came to having more grand kids. Something I wasn't really prepared for to be hounded about tonight.

"So Lana, tell me about yourself. I know you came from Michigan, where from?" My mom asked as we all took our seats around the table.

* * *

**LPOV**

"Everything okay? You're being awfully quiet." Criss asked me as we walked hand in hand down the brightly lit Vegas strip. I had so many things on my mind that I hadn't realized I had been so quiet. The night with his mom was great. Just about perfect. She asked me question after question. Where I grew up, how many siblings I had, what kind of relationship I had with my mom and so on. She was a wonderful woman. She had seemed to be extremely happy that she had finally gotten to meet me. And unlike Criss' brothers, she didn't seem to be taken off guard by some of my answers. I remembered the first time I had met JD and Costa. Costa seemed delighted to meet me, JD on the other hand, he seemed to have some sort of vendetta against me from the moment he heard about me. Of course now, Costa and JD treated me like a little sister, in fact, Costa was very prone to make sure I knew he felt that way about me.

"Yea, everything's perfect. I'm just amazed. This is the first time I've ever been in Vegas, I've never seen anything like it." I told him as I pulled myself closer to him. He kissed the top of my head.

"Things went pretty well tonight, don't you think?" He asked me.

"Yea, things went, well, perfect." I chuckled. "I love your mom Criss, she seems very loving and caring." I told him.

"She is, one of the most wonderful women I've had the privilege to know. Aside from you of course." He smiled down at me and kissed my lips. "Just be glad there was no baby talk. I was really surprised she didn't bring that up. She usually does, but I'm sure she was saving it for a better time. The first meeting isn't really a great time to bring up whether or not we are planning on having kids." he laughed. I was wondering the same thing. Almost everyone we met asked when we were planning on having children. I figured his mom would too. But there was not one mention of babies. Most of the conversation stuck to my child hood. She did mention what had happened two weeks ago. My over drinking and the hospitalization. She was very calm about the whole thing, never once did she seem like she was going to come unhinged. She was very polite, she sat and listened, and it was obvious she was taking in every word I had said. I explained to her my past and how I felt when Criss left me. How everything had just unraveled after he left.

"Christopher!" She said with a disapproval stare at Criss. "I know its not your fault, but how could you do that to this poor girl? She so wonderful, how could you go and say those things to her? Break her heart like that? I raised you better than that." By that time she had my hand gripped tightly in hers. She seemed almost on the brink of tears as she listened to my story.

I chuckled to myself as I thought about the look on Criss' face. He was caught of guard by her lecture that he had no idea what to say. His expression was priceless, his mouth half open ready to defend himself, but knowing better than to utter a word. I loved seeing Criss with his mom. It made me see another side of him, one that I hadn't seen before. It made me fall in love with him even more, and made me realize all too well that he was just an ordinary person like anyone else on this planet. An ordinary person with a mother to yell at him when he did wrong.

But of course, I had to defend Criss. He thought what he did was the best thing for the both of us. He didn't know what was going to happen. No one did. I know his mother didn't really blame him, but my fiancee side took over and made it to a point to make sure she knew Criss was not at fault for any of it.

"You ready to go home?" He asked me.

"Yea, I think so." I smiled up at him and he led the way back to the car. I somehow felt as if my shoulders weren't as heavy as they were before. Like somehow, in someway, this night had taken away most of my stress, the stress that I had felt since I had woken up with Criss sitting next to me in the hospital. I felt like everything was going to be fine again, and that life was only going to get better from here. I didn't know if it was from finally having a day with Criss, or if meeting his mom had put me at ease. Whatever it was, I knew that I could now feel like I was finally home.


	5. Even angels fall

**Even angels fall**

* * *

_Its a secret, that no one tells,_

_One day its heaven, one day its hell,_

_Its no fairy tale, take it from me,_

_But that's the way its supposed to be._

_Jessica Riddle – Even Angels Fall_

* * *

"So, how are you liking Vegas so far?" Jo asked me as we walked down the streets of Las Vegas.

"Jo, I've only been here for a two weeks." I laughed. Jo had moved in with sully shortly after they started dating. They didn't live in Nevada, but they weren't too far from me, which made me happy, I got to see Jo every once in a while at least.

"So, I have something to tell you." Jo bounced up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she screeched.

"Oh my god!" I shouted, snagging her shoulders. "How long?" I asked as we jumped up and down together.

"I don't know, I just found out this morning."

"Oh my god! I'm so happy for you! Does sully know yet?"

"No, hes with the band working on the next few concert dates." She told me as she grinned ear to ear.

"So what do you think he'll say?" I asked. Jo shrugged.

"I dunno, I'm hoping he will be happy. But ya never know with guys, specially famous ones who could lose a lot if they have babies." she scuffed her feet.

"Oh come on Jo, I've seen you two together, he is infatuated with you. He's gonna be happy." I tried to encourage her.

"You and Criss ever talk about having a baby?" She asked. It threw me off suddenly. Criss and I hadn't discussed having kids, ever, well, not since the night JD intentionally informed me that Criss didn't want kids. We came close to discussing it the night we had dinner with his mom. But I had so many other things on my mind to even realize the baby topic had come up. I cleared my throat and shoved my hands into my pockets.

"No, not really. He doesn't want kids." I told her, looking down at the ground.

"What? He doesn't want kids?" she questioned in disbelief.

"Nope, his brothers told me its cause the dangers he faces on the job. He does some really dangerous things and if one of them went wrong and he.." I lowered my head and stared at my feet, "well, he doesn't want his kids to grow up without a father."

"Oh come on. That is the biggest loud of bull I've ever heard." Jo chuckled. "Seriously Lana? You're gonna let him get away with that? There are a lot of people who have dangerous jobs, and they still have kids. It comes with being human, no one knows when or how they're going to die. You cant base your life off from the assumption that someday you're gonna die, cause someday, everybody dies." She rambled. If I didn't know any better, I might have thought she was getting upset. Her ranting made me suddenly think of all the friends and family I had lost suddenly throughout the years. Jo had lost them as well, maybe that's why she had this attitude. I suddenly realized she was thinking the same thing.

"I mean, look at Rodney, or Tom, Kyle, Josh, Chad, should I go on?" she looked over at me, I knew what she meant, and I'm glad she didn't bring up James, but I also knew he was on that list. "They all lost their lives when they were much too young. But we went on, living life. We know death, Lana, we've lived it, more than anyone our age should. But you know I'm right."

"I know Jo, but try telling him that. I don't want to bring it up, Costa warned me once that bringing up having kids is a touchy subject for Criss."

"Well, Lana you gotta at least try. You want kids don't you?" She asked me.

"Yea, I guess, someday." I told her.

"Well then you have to at least try to talk to him about it. Its not fair to you, just cause he doesn't want kids." she said. "Hey, maybe our kids could grow up together." she winked at me.

"Uh, that would mean Id have to get pregnant right now." I laughed.

"So?" She shrugged. "It would be so cool! They could grow up being best friends just like you and I did." she said with excitement. I laughed at her.

"And be little hellions like we were. And steal theirs parents cars like we did. And get drunk and almost get arrested like we did. You sure about that Jo?" I asked sarcastically, raising my eyebrow at her.

"Yea," she paused and acted like she was thinking, "maybe not such a good idea after all." She laughed and I joined in.

"Besides, I'm pretty sure that if there are babies for me and Criss, its certainly not going to happen right now."

Jo sighed. "I know, but hey, a girl can dream cant she? Hey, here we are! Cosmopolitan shops! You ready to spend some money?" Jo winked at me.

"Oh I was born ready." I laughed.

As we walked around the mall and marveled at the stores, I laughed at myself. Jo and I were use to a tiny mall, 30 stores at most, but this mall seemed never ending. It had so many stores that I couldn't count them all.

"Hey, can you find me this green dress one size bigger?" Jo asked me from inside the dressing room. Her hand came over the top of the door and held a short dark green dress.

"Pregnancy already getting the best of you Jo?" I laughed.

"Shut up." she quickly spouted. I tried to hold back my giggles as I took the dress from her.

"Ill be right back." I walked through the store, looking for the rack. I spotted the green dresses in the corner by the front entrance. As I walked to snag a different size I noticed a woman standing with her back to me. Her short dark brown hair and bright blue business suit looked a little snazzy. She turned around as if searching for something. That was when I noticed a man standing in front of her, holding a camera on his shoulder.

"There she is!" She shouted as she stormed towards me. Oh shit! I thought to myself. I quickly ducked my head and turned to walk the opposite direction. I was not too fond of cameras, certainly now that I was engaged to Criss. Cameras usually only meant one thing when you were involved with a celebrity.

"Lana! Lana Lovegrove!" The woman shouted. I kept walking but somehow the woman managed to pop up right in front of me. "Lana, how does it feel to be engaged to the greatest magician the world has ever know?" She asked me and quickly shoved the microphone into my face. I was starting to panic, I wasn't sure what to do, or say, or if I should say anything at all.

"Uh, great?" I said quietly. She turned the mic back towards her.

"So, is it true that you tried to commit suicide?" her question caught me off guard and I started to stutter.

"I, uh, I, no."

"So why did you do it? What reason could you have possibly had? I mean most woman would kill to have what you have." she shoved the mic back into my face.

"I didn't.." she pulled the mic back to her, cutting me off.

"So is it true you have family history with mental illness?" she asked throwing the mic back at me.

"Where did you hear that? That's ridiculous. There is no mental illness in my family and I didn't try to kill myself. I was in a dark place, it was just a bad time in my life but I'm okay now." I answered, I felt myself getting angry. It was one thing to accuse me of things, but to say such horrible things about my family.

"So I heard you killed your step father?" My nostrils began to flare. That was over the line.

"Leave her alone!" Jo yelled from behind me, right before I could open my mouth to respond. The woman turned to face her, throwing the mic into Jos face.

"Sully Ernas girlfriend, and the best friend of Lana Lovegrove. How would you describe Lanas mental state?"

"Get the hell away from me, we're done with your questions. Come on Lana, lets go." Jo sneered. She handed me my bags, snagged my arm and quickly led the way out.

"What are you doing Lana?" She asked once we were clear of hearing range.

"What?"

"Don't say anything to those people, all they do is twist everything you say and turn it into lies."

"I'm sorry." I apologized and hung my head. Jo smiled and wrapped her arm around my shoulder.

"Come on, I think that drama right there deserves some ice cream." Jo laughed.

* * *

I sat at the kitchen table and watched as Criss rummaged through the fridge. He looked so sexy that way. Only in his boxers, bent over, purely concentrating on what he wanted to eat. All day my mind kept going back to Jo and her pregnancy. I was happy for her, I truly was. But I couldn't help but feel jealous of her. I wanted to be the one having the baby. Criss' baby. But I knew that wasn't going to happen. Criss was already 44 years old, and I had heard from him and others, that he doesn't really want kids. I didn't know if I could do that to myself, just to make him happy. I wanted a baby. It didn't have to be now, but sometime, in the near future?

"Criss would you be upset if I was pregnant?" I asked. Criss' head snapped up from the fridge, his face looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Why? Are you?" He asked, sounding shocked.

"No, no," I laughed, Criss' face relaxed, "Jo is."

"Wow. Really? Does Sully know?" He asked, obviously relieved it wasn't me.

"No, she just found out this morning, Sully's out with the band. I was just wondering if you would want to keep it, if I wound up getting pregnant." I fiddled with my glass of water. I wasn't too sure about bringing up the subject of kids, the last time it was brought it, Criss and his brothers made it very clear that Criss never wanted kids.

"Something we don't have to worry about, you're on birth control, right? You've been taking it?" he cocked his eyebrow and glared at me.

"Yes, I've been taking it, I'm just curious if you ever wanted kids." I said quietly.

He shrugged. "Never really thought about it. I don't know, I'm so busy with work and everything. If I have kids, I want to be able to spend every moment with them. And right now, I work so much, they would basically grow up without a dad." He said as he sat at the table in front of me.

"But what if I had gotten pregnant? What would you do?"

"I don't know," he blew out a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, rubbing the back of his neck as he thought carefully of what to say. "Lana," he squinted his eyes and looked over at me, "_if_ it happens, then I guess we would figure things out, but you're on birth control, its not something we really need to discuss right now."

"You're not getting any younger Criss, and neither am I, I just think, that if either of us want kids, we better think about it now, before its too late." I told him in a soft voice. I didn't want him to get angry with me. He didn't really like talking about having kids, to anyone. He smiled at me and leaned over the table, taking my face into his palm.

"Lana, you're only 26, and as far as I know, my baby maker works until the day I die. We have a long time to figure out what we want. And right now, I know for certain that I want you for the rest of my life. We can think about that kind of stuff later." He leaned closer and pecked me on the lips. "Okay?"

"Okay." I sighed. This was not going to be the last of it.

"So what did you do today?" he asked and headed back over to the fridge.

"Went shopping with Jo."

"Where at?"

"On the strip. Went to one of the malls." I told him. He suddenly slammed the fridge door shut.

"You what? You went out on the strip?" He snarled and leaned against the counter, folding his arms across his chest.

"Yea, is there something wrong with that?" I asked confused.

"Yea, there's something wrong with that. What the hell were you thinking? You don't go out on the strip by yourself. Do you have any idea how dangerous it is out there?" he glared at me.

"I was with Jo." I defended.

"Oh yea, cause that's better. You were with a pregnant chick, who's barely bigger than you." he said sarcastically.

"I don't understand what the big deal is."

"The big deal is that something could have happened to you. You couldve gotten mugged or kidnapped or worse." Just then the tv caught both of our attentions.

"Spoke with the fiancee of Criss Angel, Lana Lovegrove. She had some pretty interesting things to say." The familiar woman from the mall earlier sat at a desk with her hands neatly folded on top. The screen flashed to my face suddenly and I cringed. Criss was right, something worse than getting mugged or kidnapped had happened.

"So, is it true you tried to commit suicide?" I watched as my face suddenly changed from embarrassment to horror.

"I was in a dark place, it was just a bad time in my life." I answered. Criss' head snapped towards me, clearly angry. That bitch! She took things I said and literally twisted them around to get the answers she wanted, not the answers I had said.

"So is it true you have family history with mental illness?"

"Where did you hear that?" I responded. Then the screen went back to the reporter sitting at her desk.

"Unfortunately we didn't get anymore than that before her friend and Sully Ernas girlfriend came out and cut us off. Clearly, Jo Strobel needs anger management, and Lana Lovegrove is a basket case, I'm not sure Criss Angel knows what he got himself into." Criss snatched the remote, shut it off and throwing the remote across the room.

"Damn it! Why would you say that shit Lana?" He screamed.

"Criss I swear to you, I didn't say any of that! Well, I did, but that wasn't how it played out, she cut the film and made it so I was saying different things to her questions. I never admitted to any of that! I swear." I defended myself. Criss sighed and looked over at me.

"Lana, _that_ is more than enough of a reason for you to stay out of the public." he whispered angrily before storming off. I heard the bedroom door slam. I suddenly felt like a complete idiot. I had to fix it, but I had no clue how.

I snagged my laptop from the counter and headed to the spare room. Wow, I thought, I've barely been here two weeks and I'm already spending my first night in the spare room. I sighed to myself and plopped onto the bed. I grabbed my laptop not even wanting to think about anything. I plugged in my headphones, turned on my music, turning it up as loud as it could go, and closed my eyes.


	6. Somebody's watching me

**Somebody's watching me**

* * *

_When I come home at night,_

_I bolt the door real tight,_

_People call me on the phone I'm trying to avoid,_

_But can the people on TV see me or am I just paranoid?_

_Rockwell – Somebody's watching me._

* * *

**CPOV**

I stopped suddenly when the door creaked as I quietly crept into the spare room. I poked my head through the crack to make sure I hadn't woken Lana. She was still fast asleep. With her laptop on her stomach, her head slightly cocked to the side and her headphones around her ears, still blaring loudly. I hated it when she turned her headphones up that loud. I kept telling her she was going to be deaf by the time she was 40 but she never listened to me. I softly shoved the door open a little more, leaned against the door frame and watched her sleep.

I had a hard time sleeping, tossing and turning, in and out of consciousness. Once I realized it was 4 in the morning, I gave up and decided to check on Lana. I felt horrible that things went the way they did the night before. I knew I shouldn't have blown up the way I did. But I didn't like the thought of Lana being out on her own. Vegas was a crazy place, she had never been here before so she wasn't aware of the dos and donts yet. She didn't quite know how many bad things can happen in Vegas. Where as I had spent many years in Vegas and I knew how dangerous it could be.

"Criss?" Lana asked quietly with sleep still in her voice, she had yanked off her head phones and rolled over to face me. "what are you doing?"

I took a deep breath. "I couldn't sleep." I admitted. She slowly sat up.

"Whats wrong?" She asked. I looked at her for a moment before walking to the bed, I sat down next to her and kissed her hand.

"I'm sorry Lana. I didn't mean to snap at you last night. I love you, with all my heart. I hate fighting with you, its just," I sighed, "Lana, I worry about you." She opened her mouth to protest. "I know, you don't want me to worry. But I cant help it." I said, cutting her off before she could speak. "I love you so much, and I don't want anything to happen to you. I don't think you understand how much you mean to me, or how much I hated myself for what happened to you after I left. And I promised myself that I would never let anything happen to you again." her eyes watched me carefully as I spoke, bright blue and full of life. Her eyes always made my heart skip beats.

"I said what I said last night, because I've lived in Vegas for a very long time. I know what kind of people are out there, and what could possibly happen to someone as beautiful as you." I placed my hand on her cheek. She let her face fall back into my palm. "All I simply meant, was I don't want you to go out there alone. At least until you know what you're dealing with out there. If you need to get out of the house, call me, and I will take you anywhere you want to go. As long as I'm there to protect you. And if I'm not able to, then I know one of my brothers would be glad to. Promise me okay?" I watched as a smile grew slowly onto her face.

"I love you too Criss, and I promise." she whispered to me and pecked me on the cheek. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me down on top of her. I smoothed away her hair and tucked it behind her ear.

"God, you're so beautiful." I leaned down and kissed her neck softly.

"Criss," I felt her throat vibrate as she spoke, "you really don't need to worry about me as much as you do. I will be fine. I promise. Hell, Ill even take some karate classes if it'll make you feel better." she giggled.

I smiled at her as I lifted my head to look her in the eyes. "Karate classes might be a good idea." I grinned. "But Lana, I worry about you, whether you want me to or not, whether I should or shouldn't, I just cant help it, I love you too much." She looked at me with nothing but love in her eyes.

"I promise Criss, nothing will happen to me, and I promise I will take every precaution you want me to. If you are worried that much, then I will do whatever you ask of me. Because I love you too, and I want you to be happy, and I don't want you to worry about me." She said. The sudden passion and love I had for her took over my body. I kissed her softly as we laid in each others arms.

**LPOV**

"Hey babe, would you mind grabbing the mail when it gets here?" Criss asked as he scrummage through kitchen. "I'm running a little late, thanks to someone." He smirked at me as he threw his bagel into his mouth.

I grinned at him. "Are you complaining?"

"I would never. I could make love to you 40 times a day and never complain," he smiled. "But I am running late, and apparently so is the mail."

"Ill grab it, don't worry." I told him. He snagged his cup of coffee, leaned down and gave me a kiss.

"Thank you babe. Ill see you tonight. I love you." He said as he held my gaze, staring into my eyes for a moment.

"I love you too." I told him. He kissed me one last time. I watched as he walked out the door. Alone again. I guess I needed to get use to it, I knew how much Criss worked. And since I was in a new town, I didn't work anymore. I sat at the kitchen table, watching out the window and sipping on my coffee. I hated days like today, Criss' shows didn't start until 7 at night, but the days like this one, he had to be in the office all day, in meetings, coming up with new ideas and such, I hated every second of it. I had to be without Criss for 16 hours. Since we had gotten back to Vegas, he had to make up for all his lost time, so it happened quite a bit more than it was supposed to.

"Hey lilttle sis, whatcha doing?" JDs sudden voice startled me. I jumped slightly, spilling a couple droplets of coffee onto the table.

"Wishing the time would pass quicker." I chuckled and wiped the spilled coffee with my hand. "What are you doing here?" I asked and spun in my chair to look at him. He was standing in the kitchen entrance. It was odd seeing JD so calm, normally he was bouncing from room to room trying to gather what he needed so he could get back to work quickly. But now, he stood in the entrance with his arms crossed and his hip resting against the wall. He shrugged when I looked at him.

"Kinda the same thing." he answered me.

"Criss doesn't need you today?" Normally JD was there to make sure everything went smoothly and Criss didn't get hurt. Or to do the errands.

"Nah, him and the guys are resetting the stage today." He shrugged again, "just felt like taking a breather ya know?" I noticed in his hand he had a few pieces of mail.

"Hey did the mail come already? I didn't even notice." I said. He looked down at the envelopes tucked under his arm.

"Oh yea," he walked to me, taking a seat next to me and handed me the mail, "the mail lady was leaving right as I pulled in, figured Id save ya the hassle." he smiled. I returned the smile.

"Thank you." I fumbled with the envelopes and ripped them open, looking at every piece of paper. "So whats bothering you?" I asked keeping my eyes on the mail. JD sighed.

"Nothing really. I've just been having the strange feeling all day. Like I'm sick to my stomach. I don't feel sick, my stomach has just been on edge. Kinda like that feeling you get when something bad is going to happen." I stopped fumbling with the mail and looked up at him. His brows were pulled tight together and his eyes narrowed on the window ledge.

"So why aren't you with Criss? Doesn't Criss normally get hurt whenever you have those feelings?" I asked him, trying to keep the panic from rising in my throat. JD and I had had many long chats since I came to live with Criss in Vegas. One conversation we had, JD informed me of the feeling he got on the days Criss got hurt. What he just explained to me, was exactly how he felt when Criss got electrocuted by the lightning simulator. And the day Criss almost drown in the aquarium escape. And the day Criss had an nail go through his hand. Every time JD got that feeling he always tried to get Criss to not do the stunt he had planned that day. But of course, Criss never listened.

"This is different. Its not Criss. I don't know what or who its about. But its not good." He sighed and ran his hands down his face. That was when I caught sight of the letter I held in my hand. I jumped up so quickly that the kitchen chair fell backwards, making a loud crack when it hit the tile. JDs eyes flicked to me, filled with sudden worry.

"Lana?" he asked, his voice full of urgency. I couldn't rip my eyes away from the paper I held in front of me.

_Lana Lovegrove, you're going to die,_

_And I'm going to be the one to kill you._

_I'm watching you._

Was all it said. I flung the paper onto the table and jumped back, as if it was going to hurt me if I held onto it any longer.

"What the hell is this?" JD asked as he picked up the paper and studied it. His eyes changed into sudden terror. "What kind of sick joke is this? Who in their right mind?" He spat and looked up at me, he took in my expression and quickly got to his feet. Coming to my side just as quickly, he placed his hands onto my shoulders and dipped his head low to look me in the eyes.

"Lana, its okay. Its gonna be okay." I looked up to meet his eyes. "Its probably just some sick bastard trying to scare you into leaving Criss, some crazed fan who thought they actually stood a chance of being with him. Okay?" He stared at me but I didn't say anything. "Lana, I promise, its nothing to worry about okay? Lots of famous people get these kinds of things and they always pan out to be nothing." he tried to comfort me.

"But how did they get our address? How did they know where to send it? This isn't right." I said shaking my head continuously. "Somethings wrong, somethings not right."

"Technology now days, okay, its extremely easy for someone to find an address." He tried calming me down. I starting shaking my head again. He placed his hands on each of my cheeks, forcing me to look him in the eyes again.

"Would it make you feel better if I had a friend of mine look into it? Hes a local police officer." he asked me.

"Yes." I said quietly.

"Okay, Ill call him right away." he told me.

"I need to call Criss." I said and reached for my phone. JDs hand quickly slapped onto mine.

"Not a good idea." he said, I shot an icy stare at him. "Criss has a lot on his plate right now, and he worries about you more than he should. I think telling him about this would make things worse. Lets just keep this between you and I until I have my friend look into it okay? If he comes up with nothing than Criss doesn't need to know about any of it. If there is anything behind this, and I stress the word if, then we will tell Criss, but there's no reason to make him worry when there's no reason to worry. Okay?"

JD was right. Ever since the hospital Criss has done nothing but worry about me. Always afraid I was going to do it again, or worse. And since everything that had happened, Criss had been working extremely hard to get things back on track at work. The last thing he needed was to find out about this. It would make him worry even more and he would probably even want to take some time off work again, to be my 'personal bodyguard'. JD was right. I looked up at him and nodded.

"Okay."

"Good. I'm going to take this to the police station right away okay? I'm only a phone call away if you need me, okay?" He told me. I nodded.

"Okay. I will let you know if they find anything." he quickly walked to the door and was gone in a flash. I watched out the window as he drove away, then quickly ran through the house, locking every window and door, then set the security alarm. I stood and stared at the front door. My stomach in knots and the butterflies did circles. I clenched my jaw, trying to hold back my nerves. I concentrated on my breathing but it wasn't working. I quickly dashed to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before I lost my breakfast.**  
**

After I assaulted the toilet a few more times, I laid down on the tile, taking in the cold. My cheeks were burning and I still felt extremely nauseous. I took deep long breaths to try and calm my stomach before I got violently sick all over again. I closed my eyes, concentrating on my breathing again, and before I knew it, I was asleep on the bathroom floor.


	7. This Night

**This Night**

* * *

_There are things I have done,_

_There's a place I have gone,_

_There's a beast, and I let it run,_

_Now its running my way._

_Black Lab – This Night_

* * *

I awoke with the sound of my cell phone slapping against the hard bathroom tile. My stomach still a little uneasy, I reached up to smack my hand on top of my phone. I pulled it down to me, slowly picking it up and looking at the number. Criss. I wasn't sure if I had the courage to speak to him yet. I clicked the ignore button then let my head fall back to the cold tile.

What the hell was I going to do? I know JD said it was nothing to worry about, but come on, getting something like that in the mail, you had to worry. And how the hell was I going to handle Criss? I already felt the guilt rising up, I couldn't hold something like this from him. I didn't want to lie to him, about anything. Ever. But for some reason, I knew JD was right, it would only add to Criss' anxiety, and he didn't need that right now. I needed to play it cool, I couldn't let Criss know that anything was wrong. But how could I act normal around him after something like that? I knew for his sake, I had to find the strength, and I knew it was in there somewhere. A sudden wave of nausea hit again and my stomach couldn't hold back anymore, I quickly got to my knees and violated the toilet more.

My cell phone rang a few more times before my spasms had ended. My mouth tasted utterly horrible, and made me feel like vomiting some more. I drug myself to the sink so I could brush my teeth. I was finding it hard to pull myself from the floor. My entire body ached, my stomach hated me, and my knees wouldn't stop shaking. My cell phone buzzed letting me know I had a voicemail. Once I was satisfied with the freshness of my mouth, I dialed the voicemail, knowing full well it was from Criss.

"Hey babe its me. Is everything okay? You're starting to get me worried. Call me back as soon as you get this. I mean it! Call me back. And you better not be out shopping with Jo again!" Criss' voice threatened, I could tell he was upset. I took in a deep breath, sat back on the floor and gathered as much courage as I could before I dialed Criss. He answered on the first ring.

"Lana? Is everything okay?" He asked quickly and sounding out of breath.

"Yea, everything's fine, why wouldn't it be?" I tried as hard as I could to keep my cool but my voice had cracked, I cleared my throat. The sound of his voice made a strong wave of guilt and fear hit me, I struggled to calm down quickly before I broke down into a cry. Criss was very good at detecting dishonesty, especially in me. I had to be very careful about my emotions around him.

"Uh, because I've been trying to call you for the past hour, are you _sure_ everything's alright?" his tone was flat, he knew something was wrong.

"Yes, well, no, I uh, wasn't feeling good, and I fell asleep." I tried to cover my tracks. God how I hated lying to him.

"Are you okay?" his voice sounded a bit more relaxed but still skeptical.

"Yea, I just got sick a couple of times, its nothing, probably just the flu or something. I'm fine now." Honestly, it wasn't a lie, I did get sick, and I, for some odd reason, suddenly felt a lot better. Almost as if I hadn't gotten sick in the first place.

"Okay," he said with hesitation in his voice, "well there isn't much left for us to get done so I'm going to be home in a bit, for a little while, before my show tonight, anyways." Shit! Shit, shit,shit! That didn't give me much time to get myself pulled back together before he got home.

"Babe, if I have the flu, you probably shouldn't be around me, I know how much getting sick makes it hard for you to preform." I told him. As awful as I felt about it, that was a ploy to keep him at work, I knew I wasn't really sick. I did miss him, and I wanted to see him, now more than ever. But for that reason, I didn't want to see him, I didn't want to slip. All it was going to take was one wrong look and he would know.

"Baby, I miss you too much to even care right now. Ill be home in about 20 minutes. I love you." He told me.

"I love you too." I said before hanging up. Fuck! What the hell was I going to do? My nerves were too shot right now to face him, he would see right through me. He would see I was hiding something, and then pry at me until I gave him the information he wanted. I leaned back against the counter and ran my fingers through my hair.

I knew that being with Criss was going to come with its price. You couldn't be with someone so sweet, so loving, so beautiful and famous, without paying a price. But why this? I knew it was a possibility. I was engaged to Criss Angel, and I knew there were going to be fans out there who hated me, fans who loved me, and fans who just wanted to straight up kill me. But I never imagined for one second that one of them would actually threaten to make it happen. But I hadn't done anything to deserve it. With the exception of that stupid reporter, I stayed away from the spot light. Criss' family and friends were very good at keeping our relationship away from the media. Every time someone asked about us, they never said a word.

I was starting to understand why Criss was such a worry wart when it came to me. I had no idea how to be famous. I didn't know how to act, what to say, or how to react when I was confronted. And I certainly didn't know what to do about my life being threatened. Maybe that was why I was trusting JD so much. He had been dealing with this kind of stuff ever since Criss became Criss Angel, he knew what to do.

I sighed, I was going to have to face him sooner or later. I thought maybe if I took a shower it would calm me down a bit. I turned the shower on before I even thought about it and hopped in. Letting my mind go in any direction it needed to, aside from the letter. If I didn't think about it, than I wouldn't panic at the first sight of Criss.

Criss came walking through the bathroom door just as I was drying off my hair. The shower did wonders at calming my nerves, and my stomach. He walked up behind me and hugged me tightly around the waist and kissed my neck.

"I love your naked body." he said seductively.

"Did you come home only for a quickie?" I asked with a wide grin and turned to stare at him. Okay, yea, act.. normal? Maybe that would keep him from figuring it out. I could do this.

"Of course not, I came home cause I miss you." he grinned and bit his lip as he stepped back and studied my body. "Course a quickie wouldn't hurt. Keeps me focused and better at my magic when I have a clear head." his grin grew wider. I couldn't help but return the grin, his smile was so beautiful and it made me want to jump him right on the spot. He pulled me back into his arms and ran his hand across my cheek.

"How you feeling?" he asked. His concern for me was eating at me. He loved me and was worried. Granted, he didn't know the real reason to worry, but he worried anyways. How long could I keep lying to him? How long could I hold out before I broke down and told him what _really _happened? I smiled at him, trying to push away the guilt. His eyes focused on mine and I could tell he was searching for something. Did he already know something was up?

"I told you, I'm fine. Just a bug or something, Ill be fine." I assured him. He kissed me passionately and I melted into his arms. "you're not getting any if that's what that kiss was about." I grinned at him. He pulled his head back farther to glare at me.

"Ill have you if I want you." he said, trying to keep the smile that was tugging on his lips from forming fully.

"You know better." I glared back at him. I noticed a gleam in his eye as he pushed away from me, snagging the towel from my hands. He held both ends of the towel, one in each hand, and he flipped the towel, making it roll around itself.

"Don't you even dare." I warned him, taking a step back into the counter. His grin now reached his ears. "I'm warning you. I will kick your ass." I threatened.

"Is that a promise?" he laughed.

"Seriously! I will fuck you up." I shouted.

"That's what I was hoping for." He grinned and flicked the towel at me, snapping it against my upper leg, sending a sting all the way down to my toes.

"Asshole!" I playfully yelled as I ran after him. His eyes widened and he jolted out of the bathroom, running into the living room. "I told you! Now I'm gonna kick your ass!" I yelled as I chased after him, butt naked. He ran around the couch and shot out from the other side, darting off towards the bedroom. I quickly ran after him, but when I got into the bedroom, I was tackled from the side and knocked onto the bed. He jumped on top of me, pinning my arms above my head.

"Now, about that quickie." he smiled.

**CPOV**

I left the house feeling refreshed and ready to tackle my two shows for the night. There was one thing that kept bothering me, something was obviously wrong with Lana. She was hiding something from me. I didn't question her. I needed to know a little bit more before I asked her about it. I knew how stubborn she could be, and I knew, unless I had some form of evidence that she was holding something from me, she wasn't going to breathe a word about it.

I made it to the luxor with a half hour to spare before show time. Walking back stage I kept my eyes pealed for JD. It wasn't long before I spotted him flipping through papers with Jenelle, one of my assistants.

"JD!" I yelled to him. He looked up, nodded at me, and went back to the papers. "JD, you have a sec?" I asked him.

"Just give them a call in the morning, tell them we will be there." he told Jenelle, sending her on her way. "Whats up Criss?"

"Hey, did you stop by the house earlier?"

"Yea, why?" he asked.

"Did there seem like anything was wrong with Lana when you were there? I mean, did anything happen?" He pursed his lips and shook his head. "hmm, I was just wondering, cause shes been acting really strange since I left this morning." I stared at him, he showed no sign that he was lying. What the hell was wrong with me? Now suddenly I'm suspecting everyone of lying to me. "Alright, thanks bro."

"Good luck tonight." he smiled at me before I stalked away to my dressing room.

**LPOV**

I paced around in the kitchen, every few minutes stopping to stare at my cell phone on the kitchen table. I needed to know if JD had heard anything. I was really starting to panic. I made sure Criss got out of the driveway before I once again ran through the house, checking all the locks. I didn't want to harass JD about it, it had been several hours since we found the letter, that was long enough for the cops to come up with something, right?

Criss knew I was hiding something from him. I could tell from the way he would glance over at me, expecting me to say something that was going to shock him. Or how he kept searching my eyes, as if the answer he was looking for were in them. There were a few times I almost broke and told him, but I stood strong and bit my tongue. It would only scare him if he found out what had happened, and I knew that if he did find out, he was going to be pissed for me not telling him. And I wondered how pissed he was going to be at JD for all of this. But the sooner we found out who the letter came from, the sooner this would all be over and I would no longer feel the stress of holding it all back from Criss.

I stood and stared at my phone again, trying to will it into ringing. And when my violin ringtone started to blare, I felt a tinge of shock run from my head to toes. I quickly went to it and answered without even looking at it. I was hoping to god it was JD with some good news.

"JD?" I asked, feeling relief. But there was no answer. Only someone breathing into the phone on the other end. "JD?" I asked again, but nothing. My stomach clenched and I felt the sudden urge to vomit again. I pulled the cell phone from my ear. The caller was a private number. I smacked the phone back to my ear, suddenly pissed and scared at the same time.

"Who the fuck is this? What do you want?" I yelled into the phone. All I heard before the line went dead was the chuckle of a woman and then nothing. I took in a deep breath and tried to remain calm as I dialed JD, but it just rang and rang. After that incident, he was _going_ to pick up, even if I had to chain call him.


	8. Saviour

**Saviour**

* * *

_I'm a bit of a manic when its not as I planned it,_

_Cause I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic,_

_Remember when we were kids and always knew when to quit it,_

_Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting it?_

_Lights – Saviour_

* * *

**CPOV**

"Just calm down, I'll be there as soon as I can." I heard JD whisper into his phone as I approached him. "I gotta go okay? I'll be there soon." he flipped his phone down and looked at me, his face suddenly changing into a smile. "whats up Criss?" He asked.

"Who was that?" I bit my lip and nudge my chin towards his phone.

"Oh, uh, just a friend, they asked me to come by and help them with something." he was lying.

"What friend?" I asked.

"Uh, Tony." he hesitated. I pursed my lips and studied him hard. He was definitely lying. First Lana and now JD, something was going on. "I've gotta go, he sounded like it was urgent. Great show tonight Criss, one down one to go." he smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow night." he told me and quickly headed towards to exit.

What the fuck was going on? Did something happen between Lana and JD? No, there was no way they would do that to me. Would they? JD kept disappearing lately, obviously lying to me about who he's seeing and where he's going. It was no big deal to me, until today. Knowing he was at the house alone with Lana earlier, now him and Lana were both acting strange and lying to me about something. It would make sense. No! They wouldn't do that. My brother was happily married, and Lana loved me and was going to marry me, neither of them would do something like that. They wouldn't even think of something like that. I just needed a breather, I needed to calm down and think about the situation before I jumped to conclusions. My second show was going to start in a few minutes, and I hoped by the time the second one was over, my mind wouldn't be thinking such ridiculous things. My phone rang, smacking me out of my thoughts.

"Hey Ma, whats up?" I asked trying to act normal.

"Hi Christopher, I just wanted to give you a quick call and see how things were going. I know you've got a show in a few, but I couldn't wait any longer. I haven't heard from you!" She sounded disappointed.

"I know Ma, I'm sorry, I've been really busy trying to get caught up on work. But things are.. good."

"Is something wrong?" she asked. My mom could always tell when something was bothering me. It was kind of a pain when there were things I didn't want to talk about. Once she knew something was wrong, she wouldn't drop it until I told her. I sighed.

"JD and Lynn aren't having problems again are they?" I asked. I knew how stupid it was to bring it up, specially to my mother, but if anyone was going to give me answers, it would be her, even if she didn't know the reason behind them.

"No, everything is fine with them. Why do you ask?" Well, it was at least a relief to know that JD wasn't looking for a rebound.

"You don't think JD would ever cheat on her do you?"

"Good heavens no, you know he loves her more than anything, he would never, wouldn't even consider it. Why?" she asked suddenly sounding suspicious.

"No reason." I lied.

"Christopher." She said in a low disapproving motherly voice. "Whats going on?"

"Nothing Ma really. I have to go. I'm due on stage any second. I love you." I told her.

She sighed heavily, knowing full well there was something that was bothering me. "I love you too." I smashed down the end button. I took in deep breaths and tried to throw it from my mind. The last thing I needed was to be distracted on stage.

**LPOV**

"Is everything okay between you and Christopher?" Dimitra asked, concern bleeding through.

"Yea, everything's fine. Why?" She called me 5 minutes ago just to chat, or so she said. But it suddenly dawned on me as soon as the question left her mouth. She sighed.

"Well, I called him earlier, just to check up on you guys, and he seemed, upset. And he was asking very strange questions." she admitted. Shit! Not only did Criss now know something was wrong, but he drug his mother into it as well.

"What did he ask?" I was hesitant, not even sure if I wanted the answer.

"Stuff about JD and Lynn, he wanted to know if they were fighting, or if I thought JD would ever cheat one her." I suddenly lost all the air in my lungs. Seriously? Criss thought that JD and I.. were.. no, no way would Criss think that. He knew better. Course he may not like the truth anymore than his suspicion, but really? Me and JD?

"Lana? You there?" Dimitras voice bringing me out of my trance.

"yea, sorry. So, uh, why was he asking all of that?"

"He wouldn't say. I could tell something was bothering him."

"Well I'm sure he will be fine. Hes been under a lot of stress lately trying to catch up at work." I tried to reassure her. I wasn't sure how well it was going to work. Dimitra was a very smart woman, and if there was one thing she knew better than anything, it was her children.

"I hope you're right." she sighed. "How are you? Are you settling in? Is everyone treating you good?" she asked, obviously trying to change the subject, but I knew that wasn't the end of it. Just what I needed, Criss bringing his mom into it. As if it wasn't bad enough I was lying to him, now I had to lie to his mom. And now I was going to get slammed from both sides until I cracked and told one of them the truth.

"I'm fine. Haven't had much luck finding a job, but I was thinking of starting my own studio."

"Oh how wonderful! That would be nice." she sounded a bit happier.

"Yea, and JD and Costa are great. Like adding two more brothers to my family." I smiled to myself. It was the truth. JD and Costa were both quickly filling in the hole I had in my heart by my brothers being back home in Michigan. "Lynn is definitely the sister Ive always wanted. I haven't had much time with her yet, but shes so sweet and nice."

"That's so great to hear. I'm so happy for you and Christopher, Lana, I really am. I don't think my son could've found a better woman to spend his life with." I could hear her smile as she spoke, it was nice to have someone be truly happy for us. She hesitated for a moment. "So, have you guys set a date?" she finally asked. A date? Criss and I hadn't even discussed it. Honestly, with everything going on, and Criss stuck in his work, neither of us even really thought about it.

"Not yet, it hasn't even been brought up, as strange as that sounds. I guess neither of us thought of it, until now." her question made me suddenly realize that it was something that we needed to figure out. And probably soon.

"What about, babies?" her voice lowered when she said babies. There it was. Criss warned me. And she finally gave in and asked.

"Uh, we haven't really talked about that either." I lied to her, only because I knew how much she wanted Criss to finally have a family. And I didn't have the heart to tell her that it was already discussed, and Criss blatantly refused to have kids, at least for a while.

"Hmm, well, I guess everything has its time." she sighed heavily. I couldn't help but smile at how much she wanted Criss and I to have a baby. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a flash of headlights. My heart jolted, trying to rip out of my chest. It calmed down and beat back to normal once I saw JD hop out of the car. Thanks to that stupid letter and phone call, I was on red alert, and everything had been setting off my panic. But seeing JD suddenly snapped me back to reality. It was nice to talk to Dimitra and, for a while, my mind had other things on it besides my hateful fan who wanted nothing from me but my death.

"I have to go Dimitra, but it was very, very good to talk to you." I told her as I watched JD walk to the door, pulling out his keys.

"You too sweetie. And do me a favor? Keep an eye on Christopher, make sure hes okay. Please?"

"I will, most definitely, he means as much to me as he means to you. I promise, Ill keep him safe." I told her. I wasn't sure if by that I meant safe from emotional harm, or harm from my not so much fan.

"Alright sweetie, you take care. Bye" she hung up just as JD had managed to fling open the door.

"Lana? What the hell is going on?" he stalked into the kitchen and stared at me. "you do realize that Criss knows somethings going on right?" he crossed his arms over his chest. I practically felt the heat from his glare. "Hes not stupid Lana, you cant keep calling me like that, he knew it was you. He had to of." his forehead was glistening with sweat and his eye brows were arched so far into his eyes that it was obvious he was pissed.

"I'm sorry JD, I just didn't know what else to do. You told me not to tell Criss, and that phone call had me rattled, I didn't want to call the wrong Sarantakos, did you?" his eyes lifted slightly and his anger started to tamper.

"What phone call?" he asked, trying to conceal his worry.

"About an hour ago, I got a call from a private number, they didn't say anything, but when I asked who it was, they just laughed and hung up." I explained. I watched his face, but he gave nothing away, he just continued to stare at me. "What do we do?"

"Nothing." he simply replied.

"What? How can we do nothing? Obviously that letter wasn't the end of it. C'mon JD, you have to admit, getting a threatening letter and a eerie phone call in the same day. Coincidence? I think not." I glared back at him.

"The police found nothing. They did a trace on the ink it was typed in, the paper is was printed on, it was all standard, things anyone could buy from any local store. No traceable fingerprints on the letter or the envelope. No return address, it was dropped in a mail box at the local post office. They said the same thing I did. Just a Criss Angel fan, but a not so Lana Lovegrove fan. Its nothing to worry about, and yes, Id say the phone call was merely an accident. Someone probably called the wrong number, or hey, maybe they even accidentally butt dialed you. Lana, my point is, you need to calm it down a notch and not worry so much. Before Criss thinks worse things than what it is." He rambled on.

He was right. I was blowing it all out of proportion. But then again, that came along with the territory of having no idea how to handle being famous, or crazy lunatic fans.

"Criss thinks we're having an affair." I blurted out. JDs eye grew wide with shock.

"Really? And how did you come upon this information?"

"Your mom told me, apparently he was asking her if she thought you'd cheat on Lynn, or if you and Lynn were having problems. I put two and two together." I didn't know what was bothering me more at that point. The fact that I was lying to Criss about some wack job threatening to kill me, or the fact that because I was lying to him, he thought his brother and I were getting it on while he was working his ass off.

"Seriously? You and Me?" He chuckled. "No offense Lana, but you're like my little sister, there's no way that would even run through my mind." I smiled at him.

"I feel the same way. _But_, that doesn't stop the fact that that's what Criss thinks is going on. What should we tell him?"

"Nothing. We're just gonna let this blow over, because it turned out to be nothing." he lowered his head so he could meet my eyes. "Right? Nothing?" I nodded. "Good, so we are going to just act like nothing happened. And this," he motioned between the two of us, "wont be happening anymore, unless Criss is around, the last thing we want is to give him more reason to keep up that way of thinking." I couldn't have agreed with him more. Making Criss think I was cheating on him with his brother, was far worse than what was really going on. We needed to stop the nonsense. It all just needed to be dropped. Granted, my brain still stressed about the phone call and letter, but if I thought long enough about it being nothing, then it would surely turn into nothing, right?

"Alright, deal." I said softly. "I'm gonna go to bed. I'm exhausted." I told him. Without saying another word, I slipped off the chair and headed to the bedroom. I wasn't comfortable with this, any of it. And at that point, I was praying to god that he would let me wake up and the nightmare would end.


	9. I'll be there

**I'll be there**

* * *

_Don't be afraid, oh my love,_

_I'll be watching you from above,_

_And I'd give all the world tonight to be with you,_

_Cause I'm on your side,_

_And I still care,_

_I may have died but I've gone nowhere,_

_Just think of me, and I'll be there_

_Escape Club – I'll be there_

* * *

It had been a few days since the incident, and I was just starting to feel back to normal. But something else had been bothering me, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. When I woke up that morning, I felt instant dread. And I had no idea why.

Criss was still suspicious, but he did seem to tone things down over the past couple of days. JD and I hadn't really talked much. Which I'm sure was the reason why Criss' eyes didn't burn with hate at the sight of JD anymore. I didn't know if he had given up on the ridiculous notion that JD and I were having an affair. Or if realized we knew he was pissed about something.

"Hey, get dressed, we got plans." Criss said from around the corner, glaring at me as I flipped through the channels and lounged on the couch. I hadn't been feeling good all day. My stomach was in knots and I had felt nauseous. And with the feeling of a gloomy day lingering over my head, and no idea why, I didn't really feel like going anywhere.

"Crisssssss..." I whined.

"No, get up, get dressed, we're going to dinner." he demanded before walking out of the room. I groaned loudly and forced myself off the couch. It had only taken me about 10 minutes to finally decide what I wanted to wear, which was a record for me. I always had a hard time finding the right thing to wear, especially when Criss said 'dinner'. I always knew that meant 'dress nice'. I had my dress, make up and hair done in under an hour. Criss was waiting by the front door impatiently. I laughed quietly as I watched him pace in front of the door, unaware I was standing there.

"I'm ready." he jumped slightly and turned.

"Bout time." he stuck his tongue out at me.

"Bite me!" I yelled playfully. He flashed me a grin and started to walk towards me. I held my hands up in defense and backed into the wall. "Don't you dare! You know I don't mean literally. Ouch!" I yelped as he bit me on the shoulder. I lightly smacked him with my purse. "You know I hate it when you do that."

"Well, that'll teach ya. Now, are we going or do I have to do it again?" he smiled at me. I shook my head at him and led the way out the door. I'm sure he was hoping for me to say it again.

"So when do I get to drive the lambo?" I asked out of nowhere as we hopped into the hummer. Criss whipped his head over to stare at me, the look on his face obviously said 'seriously?'. "What?" I asked when I couldn't take his staring anymore. He shut his door without taking his eyes off of me.

"I've seen you drive." he finally said.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I laughed.

"'I've.. seen you.. drive.." he repeated himself slower. "There's no way in hell I'm letting you get behind the wheel of my lamborghini we wouldn't survive your road rage, and I love my life, I want to live." he said as straight faced as possible.

"I don't have road rage!" he lifted an eyebrow and tilted his head to glare at me. "Okay, maybe a little." I admitted and shrugged. His lifted his eye brows and continued to glare at me. "Okay, yes!" I rolled my eyes. "I have road rage, its called offensive driving. Ensures that idiots don't kill me first. I'm from Michigan, what more do you want? The people up there drive like idiots or old grandmas. In order to drive up there you have to drive in offense mode, and make sure your defense is right behind you. Soccer Moms are more likely to run you off the road than an asshole in a sports car. And god don't even get me started on the first snowfall of the year." Criss let me ramble as he watched me with an amused smile on his face. "I promise, I'd be careful. I just want to see how fast I can go." I pleaded with him.

"Thats what worries me. No. The answer is no." he started the engine.

"Please, please, pleeeease Criss. The one car Ive always wanted ever since I knew what cars were was a lambo. Please let me drive it, just once, we can even take it out to the desert, no one around for me to kill, I just want to drive it, just once." I begged him. He sighed heavily and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.

"I'll think about it." he finally said. I screeched with happiness and clapped my hands together. I could faintly hear him groaning as he started to drive. At least it was a straight up no.

"Then can I drive the viper?" I asked. He stuck a finger out towards me and kept his eyes on the road.

"Don't push it." I bit down on my knuckle, trying to keep from laughing.

* * *

When we arrived at the restaurant I felt myself getting a little nervous. The hostess took one look at us, and knew what to do. But instead of seating us at a normal table, she continued to walk. She led us into the back room, past the cooks, down a long hallway, up some stairs, and finally we walked out onto the roof of the building. The sun was almost down, giving the sky a beautiful pink glow.

My eyes scanned the roof top and stopped on one lonely table covered by a dark red cloth. Two lit candles burned on either side of a vase holding one single rose. And two dinner plates sat side by side. The roof was littered with thousands of white Christmas lights.

"Its so beautiful." I whispered and stole a glance up at Criss. He was grinning ear to ear. The way the lights made his eyes twinkle and shine gave me goose bumps all the way down my body. I wondered why he was doing all of this? What made today so special? Then it hit me. No, today wasn't a special day, it was a tragic day. The 10th anniversary of my step fathers death. How did he know? I never told him when James died, only how.

We walked to the table and took out seats. Criss didn't say a word. And I knew he was waiting for me to break the silence. When I hadn't said anything for 10 minutes, Criss finally spoke.

"Not hungry?" he asked, nudging toward my barely touched plate. I didn't even notice that I had been picking at my food.  
I shook my head no, keeping silent. He took a deep breath and tossed his napkin onto the table.

"Lana, I know. I know what today is, and I'm sure you've gathered by now what this is all about. I spoke to Ann today. She called me." My eyes shot up at him. My mom? Why would my mom call him? He held his hands up in defense. "First, she wanted me to tell you, shes sorry for everything that's been going on lately. That you guys have a lot to discuss and you can call her whenever you're ready." I shook my head. My mom and I had been down that road before. We always danced in the same circles, never really getting anywhere.

"Secondly," he continued, "she explained to me how hard today is for you. How it has been every year since the accident. That you always put on a brave face so no one would know the pain you're in, but everyone could see through you."

"You wouldn't understand Criss." I sighed. He glared at me as I stared at the ground. He pulled my face towards his and stared into my eyes.

"Lana, you wanna know why I didn't show up on your birthday? Why I waited until the weekend after?" I looked at him, confused, wondering where he was going with it. "My Dad died on February 12th, the day after your birthday. He died in my arms. And even though its been 14 years, I still have a hard time on that day, every year. It gets better, with time, but you never fully heal, there's always going to be a part of you that misses that person beyond comprehension." he kept his gaze locked onto mine, "but if there's one thing I've learned through all these years, its that you have to keep moving. You have to live your life and move on." I looked down at my hands, which were now tightly held in his.

"But its different for me. You lost your dad, and that's one of the hardest things to deal with. But you didn't kill your dad." I could almost feel his shock run through to my body. He pulled my face back to his.

"I did not just hear you say that. You did not go through all those years of therapy lying to everyone and yourself. I don't believe you. I know you don't believe you did it." he sounded almost angry. "And damn it, I wont let you believe that. Because you and I both know, it was not your fault. Fuck what everyone else thinks." he sighed heavily, "You cant live your life in the past, cause then one day, you'll wake up and realize you wasted your whole future dwelling on what you cant change. It happened Lana, and you need to accept that. But don't you dare sit here and tell me it was your fault, because it wasn't." he placed his palm on my cheek and studied my face for a long time, his eyes shifting back and forth, searching for an answer.

"What are you scared of?" he whispered. His face twisted as he tried to read my thoughts. I tried my hardest to keep my eyes on his, but every second I looked at him, I felt my barrier crumbling. I didn't want to break down, not again.

"I just don't want to let him down anymore." I whispered and felt a single tear spill onto my cheek. Criss swept his thumb across my cheek, wiping away the tear.

"Lana, all those years, that was the one thing I worried about. And everyone kept telling me that he was proud of me. But I never believed it. Until the day I realized that no matter how or where you end up, they are proud of you, because you kept on fighting, kept on moving, kept on living. And I know hes already proud of you. You are a beautiful, kind, caring, giving, funny, loving woman and everything that comes with it. You're just starting out with your life, and yet you've already done so much good with it. And given everything that's been thrown at you, you still kicked and fought, until you came out on top. And if that's not a reason to be proud of someone, then I don't know what is. But you cant move on with your life, until you've come to realize that."

"I don't want to move on, I don't want to lose him for good." I admitted. It was strange hearing those confessions come from my own mouth. Even with my therapist, I always told everyone what they wanted to hear. I always kept my true feelings bottled inside, because I knew everyone would look at me like I had lost it. But not Criss. Criss was actually starting to make sense. He was the first person who I had admitted any of that to, but also, the first person who didn't look at me like I was crazy, the first person who didn't judge me or make their own assumptions. I didn't think I could love Criss anymore than I already did. But at that moment, by god, I felt something so much stronger than love.

He smiled at me. His smile was so sweet and gentle, and was full of understanding. I had forgotten that he had gone through this as well. That he too lost an important person. And that he knew and understood everything I was thinking.

"I know sometimes you may think he left you. But he didn't. He may not be here physically anymore, but he will always be with you spiritually. And heaven now has a wonderful man to watch over you." he spoke so softly that it sent shivers down my spine. "And any time you feel like you lost him again, just look up at the stars. And I swear to you Lana, you will feel him staring down at you." He kissed my forehead and looked me in the eyes.

"Hes been looking out for you so well, that he brought me to you." He kissed me softly and rested his forehead on mine. "Now let him go." he whispered. Criss was right. All the years that I had dealt with the guilt of what happened to James, thinking it was my fault. I had punished myself enough. And it was time to move on, to let him go, and let him take care of me in his own way. Criss had said you cant live in the past, and he was right. You cant live your future without letting go of your past, or you would miss out on the good things. And the man that made me feel alive again, made me feel so much love, the one staring me right in the face. I didn't want to miss out on one second with him. I suddenly felt myself get lighter, as if the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

"Its no wonder they call you mindfreak." I grinned at him and then smacked my lips hard onto his.

* * *

_This past weekend the world lost one of the most strongest and bravest men I have ever known. And he was like a father to me. The world will never be able to replace him. But now he can take care of everyone in a way he couldn't while he was on this earth. Rest in Peace! And we will never forget you._


	10. Highway to hell

**Highway to hell**

* * *

_No stop Signs, speed limits, _

_Nobody's gonna slow me down,_

_Like a wheel, gonna spin it,_

_Nobody's gonna mess me round_

_Hey Satan, payed my dues_

_Playing in a rocking band_

_Hey Momma, look at me_

_I'm on my way to the promised land_

_I'm on the highway to hell_

_ACDC – Highway to hell_

* * *

"No speeding, no flooring it, no peeling out, no road rage, and most definitely, don't kill us, or anybody else." Criss beamed down at me as he held the keys above my head, just out of my reach. Asshole! He was playing the short card, knowing I couldn't reach them. He grinned down at me as I tried to burn a hole in his hand with my eyes.

"Hey! Eyes on me! Did you hear me?" he asked sternly. I reluctantly tore my eyes from the keys and settled them on him. I bit my lip and nodded my head, trying to keep from making a smart ass remark. "What did I say?" he quizzed me.

"No speeding, no... um.. killing people?" I cocked an eyebrow at him, hoping I got it right. Why was he making this so difficult? He sighed heavily.

"Maybe we shouldn't do this." his tone taking a turn for the worst. No! No, no, no, I was going to drive that damn Lamborghini with or without him. But without him would only piss him off more. I gave him my best attempt at the puppy dog face. He sighed again.

"No speeding... No flooring it.. no peeling out, _no road rage_.. and... _no killing anyone, us or anyone else._ Got it?" he glared at me. I nodded and repeated exactly what he just told me. He took a deep breath and held it, slowly bringing his arm downward I held out my hand. He dropped the keys in my hand. Instantly I closed my fist around them tightly. My mouth turned into the biggest grin ever and I squealed, jumping up and down. Criss shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"I'm gonna regret this." he muttered to himself as he walked to the passenger side door. "Are you sure you can drive a stick?" Criss asked suddenly turning to face me.

"Yep, I'm an expert, my brothers made me learn. Don't worry Criss, I know what Im doing." I watched as Criss' face lost all hope. He was obviously counting on me not knowing how to drive a manual. He slide in the passenger seat and pulled the door down. I noticed Criss had a death grip on the arm of the door as I slid into the drivers seat. I had been begging Criss for the past week to let me drive the Lamborghini.

The purr of the engine sent a wave of excitement surging from my head all the way to my feet, which felt heavy with anticipation as they took their places on the clutch and gas peddle. For some unknown reason, I started to think of all the dirty things Criss and I could do in this beautiful sports car. No, not a sports car, sports car did it no justice, there were no words to describe the gorgeous vehicle. One look over at Criss, and I could tell he was on a complete different way of thinking than I was, almost looked frightened. He held the door handle so tight that his knuckles were turning white. His eyes were closed and his jaw tense.

"Criss, baby. It'll be okay. I wont kill anyone I promise." His eyes flashed over to me and I flashed him a grin. He stared at me, no amusement recognizable on his face.

"Buckle up." I grinned at him before I slammed onto the gas. The lambo peeled out with an amount of force I had no idea existed. Criss' eyes shot wide and he glared over at me with the look of death, his knuckles no longer had circulation, his face beat red, and his other hand now braced itself against the dashboard. I took my foot off the gas and watched the speedometer drop within reasonable speeds.

"Do it again and we're done." he warned. He leaned over and watched until the speedometer was at a speed he found acceptable. "Follow the gps, itll lead us into Vegas and we can grab some dinner." he instructed me. My cheeks were already hurting from the smile I couldn't keep off my face. But that didn't stop the grin from growing wider. We were headed into town. Which meant miles of deserted roads. Criss would bitch a fit, but I didn't care. I was driving a freaking Lamborghini for shits sake. I slowly pushed my foot further down on the gas peddle, the needle slowing gaining momentum as my speed increased and we hit the long stretch.

We were about 10 minutes into the drive when the whirl of sirens caught my attention. Looking in my review mirror I spotted a police car following close behind me. Looking down at the speedometer I noticed I had been going 110. Shit! Suddenly my shoulder devil was appeared.

"Im going to jail." I grinned as I felt my foot twitch. Slowly I eased onto the gas peddle and watched as my speed quickly jumped from 110 to 120. I flicked my eyes to the mirror, the police car closer to me now. What the hell am I doing? I glanced at Criss. He was twisted in his seat, staring at the police car behind us. He snapped straight up, his eyes quickly flicking to my foot and then up to me, panic in his eyes. My foot let go of the gas and eased onto the brake. I watched as relief flushed over Criss' face. I watched the mirror as a police officer opened his door and got out, walking towards us. He didn't look happy. His hat was hiding the top of his forehead, and his hand hitched on his belt towards his gun.

"Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asked as he approached the window. I shook my head silently and stared at the steering wheel. "You were doing 120 in a 55. That's considered wreck less driving. Could you step out of the car please?" he asked me as his hand rested on the door handle. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Shit! Criss suddenly leaned forward.

"Officer, I am so sorry," the officers eyes grew large as he noticed who was sitting next to me, "shes not from around here and she doesn't know the speed limits or anything." he said in my defense. Which was true, but we both knew that wasn't the case. The officers eyes flicked to me and I quickly avoided his gaze, staring down at my hands in my lap.

"That may be so Mr. Angel, but I don't think anywhere in the united states is it okay to go 120 miles per hour."

"I know officer, and I'm really sorry. Its her first time in this car and she isnt really use to it. And Ill make sure she keeps an eye on her speed from now on." I felt the sudden burn as Criss beamed at me. The officer eyed me for a few moments and then looked back at Criss.

"Ill let you off with a warning." Criss instantly relaxed. "but if it happens again, well, needless to say, you wont be getting a warning. Have a nice day. Mr. Angel." he nodded to him and walked back to his car. I let out all the air in my lungs. I hadn't noticed until then I had been holding my breath. I looked over at Criss sheepishly. Criss glared at me, and boy if looks could kill.

"Drive." he demanded in one of the evilest tones I had ever heard come from him. I quickly got back on the road, minding my speed closely until we reached the city.

"What the fuck!" I yelled. "Get off the road!" I screamed some more.

"Okay, slow down Lana." Criss shouted as I weaved quickly in and out of the Las Vegas traffic. "Lana, you have broken every rule I gave you." his voice low and threatening. I glanced over at him and grinned.

"Not true, I havent killed anyone yet. The night is still young." He beamed at me. "Look! Theres a group of people right there! I could always swerve.. how many points do you think Id get for all them?" I laughed.

"That is not funny." he said toneless. Vegas traffic was pretty bad. Not nearly as aggressive as Michigan traffic, but definitely a lot heavier. Suddenly a BMW jolted out in front of me, forcing me to slam on the breaks. Criss glared over at me. "Pull over right there and park. This is close enough to the restaurant that we can walk." he commanded and pointed to a half empty parking lot. I made a quick left and halted to a stop next to a shiny yellow Ferrari. I snorted to myself, mines better.

Criss was suddenly standing in front of me. How the hell? He managed to get out of the car and flip my door open without me even noticing. I glanced up at his face and knew instantly, he was pissed. He held his hand out in front of me, demanding the keys. I gave him another puppy dog look and he shook his head hard.

"No way in hell are you driving home. Not after that little stunt." he was definitely pissed.

"What? I thought I did pretty good." he lowered his eyes at me. "Okay, okay, so I got pulled over. Who hasn't?" I tried to defend myself.

"Lana, you're lucky he didn't take your ass to jail."

"He pulled me over to be a dick." I twisted my body around, swinging my legs out and bracing my feet against the pavement. I looked up at him. His eyes were amused but full of disapproval. He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Lana, you were doing 120 in a 55. _And_ you contemplated a high speed chase." My jaw dropped, but not out of shock, of the fact that it was almost as if he could read my mind. "Oh don't think I didn't know what you were thinking."

"I would never." I tried to deny it. He raised his eyebrow again.

"If you weren't thinking about it, why did it take you more than 2 minutes to finally pull over? And why did I see your foot press harder?" damn he was good!

"Okay, okay." I admitted. "I thought about it, _but_" I held up my finger before he could say anything, "it was against my better judgment, so I did stop. That's gotta count for something right?" I gave him my sexy seductive smile. His hand was still stretched out in front of him. His face had completely lost all traces of amusement and I was back in the shitter. I sighed heavily and slammed the keys into his palms.

"Thank you. Now lets go enjoy some good food." he smiled and slinked his arm around my shoulders.

"And don't think for one second that you're driving any of my cars with an engine bigger than a v6." he said as he led the way. I glared up at him.

"Then what the hell am I gonna drive? You don't own a car with a v6."

"Oh don't worry, I'm going to get you a nice little 4 cylinder. Something you cant do much damage in, and something you wont be able to go to jail for." he grinned down at me.

"I am _not_ driving a 4 banger!" his grin grew wider but he said nothing. There was no point in fighting him. I had a feeling that this was an argument I would never win, at least not after today.

* * *

**A/N: I have noticed a few pleads for updates, and I first of all wanted to say THANK YOU! Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has been reading and enjoying my story, as well as those who are leaving reviews and letting me know what you think (which is very important to me) :) I'm about as eager as all of you to continue with the story. I have recently lost a very important person in my life, so things have been difficult lately. I have also starting going back to school and have been extremely busy with work and my home life. Things are starting to settle down, both at home and work. So I hopefully will be throwing myself back into this story real soon. I just wanted to let everyone know I haven't given up :) There is still PLENTY more for this story. So hang in there and hopefully I can get more chapters up in the next couple weeks :) Thank you so much! All of you :)**


	11. Every breath you take

**Every breath you take  
**

* * *

_Every breath you take,_

_Every move you make,  
_

_Every bond you break,  
_

_Every step you take,  
_

_I'll be watching you.  
_

_The Police - Every breath you take._

* * *

"Criss! Criss!" we heard a woman shout as we crossed the street to the restaurant.

Criss rolled his eyes when he turned and noticed the woman approaching us. "Not today Cindy." _That bitch!_ The woman was wearing a dark red business suit, her short brown hair tied tightly into a bun on top of her head. Her dark brown eyes burned with mischief. I looked up at Criss with questioning eyes. _He knows her?_ The reporter who had cornered me at the mall, and then broadcast lies about me on national television. I tightened my fingers around Criss' to ensure I didn't immediately lung at her. Criss noticed my body stiffen and glanced down at me. Signaling to me that he would handle it.

"Just a couple questions." she grinned over at me. My blood started to boil. I could have smacked the shit out of her and walked away happy. What was her problem? What had I done to her to make her want to destroy my life with her lies? How the hell did she find us? What, was she stalking us? Suddenly my thoughts made my body rigid and my knees locked. Stalking? Could that letter have come from her? No, she was a bitch yes, but I didn't take her as the stalking and threatening to kill me type. All she wanted was interviews and pictures so she could twist the truth and make a quick buck.

"No, I think you've done enough damage." Criss snapped flicking his eyes to me. The camera man walking behind her flung the camera over his shoulder as he approached. Criss pointed his finger at him. "you turn that on and I promise, I will break it." he warned him. The guys mouth fell into a frown as he slowly slid the camera down to his side.

"Just a couple quotes?" She asked, trying to be flirty.

"Why? So you can lie some more about my fiancee?" Criss sneered at her. Her flirty smile quickly faded and was replaced with an innocent look.

"Oh come on Criss. You know how it is." She shrugged trying to reason with him. He tilted his head to the side.

"No I don't know how it is Cindy, enlighten me." she stayed silent and stared at him, "see I stay honest in my work. I don't believe that lying and twisting the truth are acceptable ways of living. And I for one know that people don't appreciate being lied to, or lied about. So tell me, how is it?" he glared at her waiting for an answer. "That's what I thought," he said after waiting for her reply, "so how about, leave my fiancee alone and go find someone else who will get you on prime time." he sounded angry.

Cindy threw her hands in the air and let out a long breath. "Fine." she turned to walk away. Criss took my hand and started towards the restaurant doors. Suddenly she stopped and turned back to face us. "By the way." she said from behind us, "Before you go all righteous on _me_ about lying. Why don't you ask you girlfriend, sorry, _fiancee_, whats going on between her and your brother." My body twitched as I attempted to turn and charge after her. Criss wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me to him tightly. His body tense. That bitch was playing on his worst fear. How the hell did she know to play that card? What and how could she possibly know whats been going on with me and JD? How did she even know anything about that? However she found out, at that moment, she was trying to install into Criss' head that JD and I were having an affair. His worst suspicion, that he already thought up on his own. He had let it go, and now, because of this bitch of a reporter, it was now back in his mind.

"You know I'm right Criss." she said. Criss stiffened beside me and came to a halt. I had heard enough.

"You bitch!" I yelled. My body reacted without a thought. I spun around, freeing myself from Criss' arm and lunged forward, smashing my fist into her jaw. She fell to the ground clutching her chin, her lip already bleeding. She glared up at me as her camera man hurried to her side. I lunged after her again, but as I expected, Criss had wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back to the restaurant. My eyes never left hers. She glared back at me, still clutching her jaw and suddenly I grinned, my body feeling the urge to do it all over again, I started to struggle against Criss' grip, wanting a round two.

"Okay, okay, no need to kill her, tiger." he said against my ear. If I didn't know any better, I thought I heard a hint of amusement in his voice. "Remember, the one rule you haven't broken was killing someone. Lets try to keep that rule intact please." he was definitely suppressing his laugh as he pulled me into the restaurant and sat me down on a waiting bench. Standing in front of me he placed his hands on my knees and bent down to eye level.

"Relax babe," he breathed heavily, trying to get me to mimic him. "Breathe, calm down." I followed his breathing and felt myself calming down. Once he felt I was cooled off enough he sat down next to me and slapped his hand onto my thigh. He sighed heavily and rested his head on the wall behind us.

"I'm sorry babe. I wasn't thinking." I told him.

"I'm impressed." He grinned over at me. "I don't think she will be bothering you for a while." his grin grew wider. What was this? The instant she had whipped the cat out of the bag I figured it was lock down time for Criss. I thought he would scream and yell and eventually take off and leave me looking for my own ride home. But not one word about it? Maybe he really was over the ridiculous idea of JD and I sleeping together. Which was a relief to me.

"Come on, lets eat." Criss said taking my hand and leading me to our table.

* * *

I missed Criss more than ever. As I stood in the kitchen staring at the letter in my hand. Why can't I tell him? I wanted to, more than anything. I hated holding things back from him, and mostly I hated his suspicion of me, when it wasn't even the case. JD was already on his way over. I knew I had broken our promise to let it all drop, act as if nothing had happened. But today was different. I re-read the letter in my head hundreds of times, each time, my stomach tightening harder. I had already lost my breakfast, a few times. The minute I attempted to gain back my strength and nibble on bread, it all came back up again. Criss was starting to get even more suspicious. I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me a few nights back at the restaurant. Criss was adamant that we head home after I spent over a half hour in the ladies room.

I had tried and failed several times to pry my eyes away from the new letter. This time it reminded me of the movie The Bodyguard. The second letter of my life being threatened wasn't typed this time. This time, someone had taken their time, cutting each letter carefully from magazines and pasting them to the paper. Leaving an eerie message sprawled across the paper.

_Lana Lovegrove,_

_I've been watching you, you ungrateful bitch!_

_You don't deserve what you have,_

_What was rightfully mine!_

_Now, I will take it back! And you will die!_

My heart was beating faster than it ever had before as I stared down at the paper. What the hell had I done so wrong? Who hated me so much to do this to me? Was it that reporter? What had I ever done to her? I understood that's what reporters did, they staged the news. But this was no profit to anyone. No one but the stalker, JD and I had known about these letters. The reporter, _Cindy_ as Criss had called her, had no idea about the letters. Besides, she wasn't that stupid. If it was her and she was going to make a media frenzy out of my life, she would find a better way to do it than this. She couldn't go public with this without giving herself away. So the reporter was out. Who else?

Joanna? I knew that she was a little unstable herself. Criss had given me a behind the scenes look at what really happened with the divorce. And the public had the whole thing completely wrong. Joanna was a very vindictive person. But her motive was money, not Criss. She had gotten everything she wanted out of the divorce. And Criss' lawyers made it next to impossible for her to get anything else out of Criss once the divorce was final. And from what I heard, Joanna was happily engaged to another man. Never wanted anything to do with Criss ever again. So it wasn't Joanna.

Maybe JD was right. Maybe it really was a crazed fan. Ferociously enraged that Criss was finally happy with a woman. Someone who thought they had a chance with Criss. Then their world as they knew it collapsed around them when they heard Criss was getting married, and it wasn't them. Maybe in their sick twisted version of reality, they saw themselves marrying Criss. Having the life of the rich and the famous. It would make sense. Someone mentally unstable, envisioning having everything that I now have for themselves. I could only imagine how crushing it would be to someone with that mind set. I was almost stupid enough to have pity on them, but then again, they were threatening to kill me, and that did piss me off a little bit and make it very hard for me to pity them what so ever. The thing that bothered me the most, was it was an endless possibility as to who it could be, and it would take lots of time and lots of man power to figure out who it was. All in which, I wasn't exactly sure if I was important enough for everyone to go to such lengths.

My thoughts were interrupted by JD as he approached me and yanked the letter from my hand.

"What the fuck? Another one?" he yelled as his eyes skimmed over the words. I was taken by surprise by his reaction. When I had called him earlier, taking him from Criss' second show, he sounded pissed. I hadn't explained to him there was a second letter. Actually, he hadn't given me much time to explain anything. My nerves so wracked up that I could barely put two sentences together. He assumed I was freaking out over the first letter again, said he was on his way, his tone obvious that he was more than irate with me, and then hung up on me. JD took in my expression as he shifted his eyes to my face. He quickly wrapped me into a tight hug.

"Lana, its gonna be alright." his words sending me to the brink of tears, "we're gonna figure out who this fuck is and what they want. And then we're gonna make them pay, I promise." he stroked my hair as he tried to calm me down. Suddenly Criss came flying through the front door, almost knocking it off the hinges.

"I knew it! I fucking knew it! What the fuck? How could you two do this to me!" He screamed as he mistook our embrace for something different. Here we go, I thought to myself. I stepped back from JD, wiped my tears with the back of my hand and braced myself for what was about to come.


	12. The thunder rolls

**The Thunder Rolls**

* * *

_The thunder rolls, and the lightning strikes,_

_Another love grows cold on this sleepless night,_

_As the storm blows on out of control,_

_Deep in her heart, the thunder rolls._

_Garth Brooks – The thunder rolls_

* * *

**CPOV**

My heart was frantic as I sped down the deserted roads headed home. I checked my mirrors to make sure no cops were following before I punched the gas down further. There were only two things my brain was able to concentrate on, getting home quickly, and finding out once and for all what Lana and JD were doing behind my back.

My heart wanted to believe that nothing was going on between the two of them. But my brain kept trying to convince me otherwise. How did this happen? Was it my bringing Lana back to Vegas? Could she just not handle the pressure? Or was it how much I worked? A man not being around enough was surely a reason a woman would fall into the arms of another man. But with that mans brother? It was one thing to think Lana would betray me and go to another man, but it was a whole different level to think she would leave me for my brother.

I trusted Lana. She had never given me a reason to think otherwise. And frankly, it bothered me that I could think Lana would cheat on me. But I had to face the facts. Something was going on, something they didn't want me to know about. JD had been sneaking off and meeting up with her. Lana had been acting strange, never answering my questions about why JD was at the house with her. So what else could it be?

The house was brightly lit as I rounded the corner. Switching off my headlights so they wouldn't see me pull in, I parked the car and killed the engine. My heart raced as I sat in the car and tried to gather my courage. How was I going to do this? Did I really want to know what was going on? My heart already hurt just thinking about it. Could I handle actually knowing? Would I be able to handle walking in and seeing something I never wanted to see? What if I caught them in bed together? I had no choice. It was now or never. And I chose now. Yes, there was only so much my heart could with stand, but I couldn't let this go any longer. They needed to know that I knew, and they needed to know that I wasn't a door mat. I took a couple big breaths and slowly opened the car door and approached the house.

I stood on the steps for a moment, letting my hand rest on the door knob and took a couple more breaths. I peeked through the window. There they were. I couldn't hesitate and I couldn't sneak in. I had the element of surprise and damn it, I was going to take it. I quickly twisted the knob, not really even sure if I was ready yet, and flung the door open.

I burst through the door, taking in the scene playing out in front of me. "I knew it! I fucking knew it! What the fuck? How could you two do this to me!" I screamed. Lana and JD stood in the kitchen wrapped in each others arms. Lana instantly stepped back from JD. Tears streamed down her face. Shes crying? Why? Because shes aware that was she was doing was wrong? No! That would mean she had a conscious, and someone to do this to the person they love, they don't have a conscious. She wiped her tears with her hands, putting on a brave face.

"Criss its not what it looks like." she whispered.

"You shut the fuck up!" I shouted at her, I watched as she flinched at my outburst then turned my glare to JD. I was surprised with myself. Even though my heart was pounding, my body full of adrenaline, I was still able to get angry enough to let them have it. And by god, they were going to get it.

"Really JD? My fiancee? Your _brothers_ fiancee? Does Lynn know about this?" JD glared back at me, he shook his head, almost as if he was disappointed in me. Really? _He_ is disappointed in _me_? I could feel myself getting angrier by the minute. I couldn't believe this was happening! My soon to be wife, the love of my life, and my brother, who was married and supposed to be one of my best friends, sleeping together behind every ones backs.

"Lynn is aware of the situation." he said calmly. Seriously? Lynn knows about their affair? And shes okay with it? What the hell is wrong with my family?

"You two make me sick!" I spat at the both of them. I took a step towards Lana and JD lunged forward stepping in front of her, wrapping his arms backward to protect her. Did he think I was going to go after her? I glared at him. Yes, I was beyond angry but I would never hurt her. He knew that. He must have an instinct to protect his lover. The thought of the two of them made my stomach tighten.

"Let me explain." Lana said as she poked her head out from behind JD. They exchanged looks. JD nodded once and stepped away from her, taking his place against the kitchen counter. What the hell was that? What? She had to okay it with JD? To get permission to admit their affair? Oh I had already had enough.

"Oh fuck that! You've had plenty of time to explain. How long has this been going on anyways?" I glanced back and forth between the two of them. Lana looked sad, embarrassed and angry all in one, and a hint of frightened. Did I frighten her? JD was simply leaning against the counter, his arms crossed, his face said it all, he was ashamed, but not with himself, at me. What the hell? I did absolutely nothing wrong, so who the hell was he to turn it around and blame it on me? What the hell was going on? They aren't acting right.

"Criss, please, its not,"

"Get the fuck out!" I yelled at her, cutting her off before I had to hear her lies.

"Seriously?" her tone full of shock.

"I said, get.. the fuck.. out!" I snapped through my gritted teeth. She puckered her lips, nodded her head and huffed a laugh.

"Okay," she clicked her tongue, "but there's one thing first," she started. I held up my hand to silence her. "No! You need to hear this. With everything that's happening, the one thing that hurts me the most, is that you honestly believe I would betray you like this."

I looked up at her, my heart hit the floor. She hit the bulls eye. My knowledge that Lana wouldn't cheat on me, my hatred of myself for thinking she would, her words sliced through me, cutting my heart into little pieces. If they were really having an affair, why would Lana react this way? I know her better than she knows herself, and she wouldn't say something like that if she was truly guilty. She stared at me for a moment, watching as a hundred different emotions played out across my face. Anger, pain, confusion, love, back to anger.

She shook her head, closing her eyes for a moment, and headed towards the door. Should I stop her? Should I give her a chance to explain? JD hung back and let everything unfold. Why hadn't he stepped in and said something? Probably because he knew he had gone overboard with wrong. Or maybe he knew at that moment, it wasn't his fight.

"You're gonna feel like a complete asshole in the morning." she added before slamming her palm into my chest as she walked past, I looked down to see a piece of paper smashed in between my chest and her hand. Instinctively I smacked my hands against it. She let her hand drop and walked to the door, making the floor vibrate as she slammed it hard behind her. I let out a sigh, trying to release some of my tension. I closed my eyes, my hands still holding the paper to my chest. What was it? A letter of explanation? A goodbye note? I kept my eyes closed until I heard the sound of Lanas tires squawk down the road. She was pissed. I took in a deep breath, pulled the paper from my chest and began to read it. A wave of shock hit me.

"JD, what the fuck is this?" I asked calmly. I wasn't calm, out of anything, calm was not what I was. I was in shear panic. Was this real? Or was it a sick joke? Maybe it was Lanas way out of getting busted. What the hell was wrong with me? Now I was sinking really low to think Lana would do something like that.

"_That_, my dear brother, is what we were trying to explain to you before you, oh so sweetly, threw your fiancee out." JD mocked me as he approached.

"Is this for real? You guys aren't fucking with me?" I asked, the panic was starting to make it to the surface.

"Unfortunately brother, that's the real deal. Someone has it out for your girl."

"Shit! Lana!" I yelled and sprinted towards the door, running out into the driveway. Her Aston Martin was gone, somehow leaving the driveway looking empty, despite the 20 something cars all around. She was long gone. "Fuck!" I screamed and stormed back to the house. JD stood in the same place, leaning against the counter.

"Explain!" I snapped at JD, throwing the letter down on the counter next to him. He took a deep breath, and looked at the ceiling, clearly trying to think of where to start.

"Okay, you remember that day that you guys were setting up the stage?" he asked settling his eyes on mine. I nodded. "It was that day, I hadn't been feeling good so I came over here to keep Lana company while you guys were doing the stage. We were sitting at the table when Lana opened a letter," he pointed to the paper next to him, "like that one, she was really freaked,"

"Wait a minute!" I cut him off, "there's more than one?"

"Yea, that's the second one. The first one came that day, this one came today." he hesitated, waiting for my reaction. I was fuming, but I let him finish. "She called me today because we agreed not to tell you, and she had no one else to run to."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I shouted at JD, no longer able to hold in my anger. Okay so things were worse than I first thought.

"We agreed to leave you out of it, I had my friend at the police station look into it, but he came up with nothing, we both thought it was just someone being stupid. Until today." he explained.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I repeated myself.

"Because Criss, you got enough on your plate. And since Lana and I both thought they were empty threats, we didn't want to add more stress to what you already deal with." He explained.

"JD, I don't care if its a fucking paper cut! If something is going on with her, I want to know, I _need_ to know! She is in danger right now and you let her walk right out of here?" I spat at JD.

"Shes a big girl Criss, I think she can take care of herself for one night." JD said in a nonchalant tone. "And um, _you_ kicked her out, not me."

"Hello. There's a lunatic threatening to kill her. She could be the most independent ninja on the planet, but when there's a psycho involved, it doesn't really matter who you are. We need to find her! Now!" I shouted at him, snagged my phone and quickly dialed Lana. It rang 7 times before going to voicemail. I slammed the end call and looked at JD.

"Shes not answering." I said panicking. "JD! We need to find her." I slammed the phone to my ear as I redialed her. "Call every hotel in the area, find her!" I barked at him. His eyes suddenly flashed with realization of the situation and he quickly flipped out his phone.

* * *

**LPOV**

I sat on the edge of the hotel bed, watching my phone repeatedly light up as it vibrated the bedside table. Criss. The phone stopped buzzing and immediately starting to vibrate again. There was no way I was going to answer his call. I know by now JD had told him the truth about what was going on. And he needed to suffer. He needed to feel guilty about what he had accused us of. I wanted him to feel stupid and embarrassed about what he did. Id call him in the morning.. maybe.

My anger was temporally interrupted by a loud banging on the door. Who would be knocking at this hour? There was no way it was Criss, he had no idea where I was. No one did for that matter. Suddenly my heart sank as I realized, no one knew where I was. And there was some crazy asshole ready to kill me. The door banged loudly again, sending my adrenaline into over drive. What the hell do I do?


	13. On the floor

**On the floor**

* * *

_Dance the night away,_

_Live your life and stay young on the floor,_

_Dance the night away,_

_Grab somebody and drink a little more._

_Jennifer lopez – On the floor._

* * *

"Miss Lovegrove, its Ben from the front desk, you forgot your wallet." I heard a voice from the other side of my hotel door. I sighed with relief as I approached the door. Looking out the peep hole I saw the dark haired boy from the front desk. I laughed at myself for being completely ridiculous and thinking it was my stalker. I slowly opened the door. The desk clerk stood with a smile, holding my black wallet next to his face.

"I'm sorry. I know its late, but you just checked in so I figured you were awake. Here, you left this." he smiled and held my wallet out to me.

"Thank you so much." I told him as I slid my wallet into my pocket. He smiled again and turned to leave. "Hey, Ben? Can you do me a favor?" I asked him. He turned back around to face me.

"Sure." he said.

"If anyone calls looking for me, could you please not tell them I'm here." I asked. I wasn't sure if I was saying that because I knew Criss would be looking for me, or if I was worried that my crazy stalker would be looking for me. Either way, I didn't really want the stalker to know where I was, and for that matter, Criss either.

"Its against company policy to give out information about our guests miss." he answered with a smile.

"I know, but my, er, boyfriend is probably looking for me, and he can be pretty stubborn about things." Not only was he stubborn but I'm sure if he threw out his name at the reception desk, they would be more than happy to tell him anything he wanted to know. Ben looked at me with suspicious eyes.

"Have you been hurt miss?" he cocked his head.

"No! No, nothing like that, we just had an argument and I left, I don't really want him to know I'm here." I explained. Why was I explaining this to a stranger? I must have been desperate to talk to someone. He smiled at me again.

"Don't worry, no one will bother you here."

"Thank you so much." I returned his smile and he left. I plopped back down onto the bed.

What the hell was wrong with me? I was hiding from Criss? I had a perfectly good man at home, waiting for me, looking for me, and he was probably worried. But my good ol' heritage got the best of me. I knew I had an attitude, and I knew I was very stubborn. It was something I was born with and never really got rid of it. But I wanted Criss to worry. I wanted him to feel guilty about what he had done. I knew it wasn't entirely his fault. JD and I shouldn't have kept this from him. But Criss needed to understand that we did it for his own good. I laid back onto the bed and closed my eyes, shutting out the light. I needed to get some rest. It was going to be a long day tomorrow.

I awoke the next morning from my cell phone ringing. I groaned as I rolled over, unconsciously answering it without looking at the caller id.

"Lana! Where the hell are you?" Jo screamed in my ears. Looking at the clock I realized it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

"Jo?" I mumbled.

"I'm gonna kick your ass chick! Criss is going off the hinge looking for you. What the hell happened?"

"Its a long story Jo."

"Well, you're meeting me for dinner and you can explain everything, in detail, before I kick your ass. Criss is worried sick Lana." I groaned and yanked the blankets off. I knew Criss would be worried, but I didn't think he would call Jo and bring her into it.

"I'm sorry he brought you into this Jo. It was just a fight, I don't see why he had to call you." I told her.

"Because he was worried something might have happened to you. He's had everyone he knows out looking for you." _shit!_

"I don't really want to talk to him right now." I didn't know why, but I still felt a little angry over being accused of sleeping with his brother. I guess I needed more cool down time than just one night.

"I'll call Criss. Just tell me where you're at and Ill come get you and we can talk over dinner." I stayed silent for a moment. "I wont tell him where you are. I promise. But he needs to know that you're okay. Give him at least that." I thought for a moment before answering.

"Fine." I sighed. I told her where the hotel was, hung up and headed for the shower.

"Oh my god! I was worried!" Jo shouted as she wrapped me up into a hug. "When Criss called me I had the worst possible scenario running through my head." She lightly smacked my shoulder. "Why would you do that to me?" I laughed at her.

"I'm sorry Jo. I wasn't thinking." I said sheepishly as we took our seats on the outside patio of the restaurant. We ordered our drinks and food before we got down to business.

"So what the hell happened?" Jo asked as she took a sip of her martini. "Criss wouldn't tell me anything. Just said you guys had a fight and you took off."

"Ha!" I laughed. "The asshole kicked me out."

"What?" she shouted. I held up my hand to stop her before she started to rage on.

"Let me start from the beginning. And before you rip my head off for some of the things that I haven't told you yet, let me finish. Okay?" she glared at me for a moment before nodding once.

"Okay, to make a long story short, a few weeks ago I got a death threat in the mail." I stopped to watch her reaction. Her eyes grew wide and her grip on her glass tightened. "JD was with me when I got it. He had the police look into it and they found nothing. So there was no reason to freak out. _But _we didn't tell Criss about it, we didn't want to worry him. Well, last night I got another one. I'm assuming from the same person. Criss followed JD out to the house." I hesitated.

"And?" she gritted her teeth. I could tell she was already pissed that she knew nothing about this.

"He thought JD and I were having an affair."

"He what? Seriously?" she spat. "He couldn't have seriously thought that. Why would you cheat on him with his brother? I mean he's fucking Criss Angel for shit sake."

"I know. But I mean, what would you have thought?" she shrugged, trying not to let her anger get the best of her. "Funny thing is, I'm pissed more than Criss was. I don't know what JD told him after he threw me out of the house, but I'm assuming he told him the truth. Criss was blowing up my phone all night last night. I thought about answering it a couple times. But I'm pissed that he believed Id betray him like that." I took a sip of my long island and sighed.

"I don't know. I just think I'm gonna take one more night to calm down and call him tomorrow. If I called him right now, it wouldn't help anything. I'm trying not to think about it, I don't want to get worked up and then be in a pissy mood for the rest of the day." I shrugged and looked down, noticing my clothes. I ran out of the house so quickly last night that I didn't grab any clothes to change into. I was still wearing my outfit from yesterday. Jo noticed my sudden awareness and laughed softly.

"How about, we finish here, go shopping, get you some clean clothes and something to wear tonight."

"Tonight?" I asked. I knew Jo, and I especially knew that in situations like this, she always had a cure for the blues up her sleeve.

"Well, you haven't been out to a club or bar since your, um, accident, so I want to go clubbing tonight."

"I don't know Jo."

"Oh come on, Ill be with you, you're my best friend, I wont let anything happen to you, or let you go over board. Come on Lana, you need a girls night out! Some alcohol running through your veins and a bad ass sound system with a dance floor! By tomorrow morning, you'll be more than ready to kiss and make up with Criss." she laughed. "Come on Jo." she pouted. With that look on her face, how could I resist? Plus, she was right, one night full of drinking and dancing my ass off with my best friend, that's exactly what I needed.

"Fine." I told her.

"Now that that's settled, what about this stalker business?" she asked.

"Its nothing." I shrugged. She cocked her eyebrow at me.

"Lana," she sighed heavily, "I know you've been through a lot since you and Criss met, but you cant tell me that you really believe a death threat is nothing."

"Jo," I sighed, "can we just not talk about all this right now? I just want tonight to be a 'forget everything night'." She studied my face for a moment.

"Fine, but don't think for one second you are getting off the hook." she placed her hand on mine. "We will find out who it was Lana, I promise. And then Ill find my shotgun and we'll hunt the f'er down." she grinned at me and I returned her grin. There was the best friend I'd always known. When someone messed with the other, they had hell to pay. And at that moment, I couldn't have been happier to have Jo as my best friend.

"By the way, I forgive you for not telling your best friend about any of this." she glared at me and then smiled again. "Now lets eat so we can go sweat our asses off on the dance floor."


	14. Telephone

**Telephone**

* * *

_Tonight I'm not taking no calls cause Ill be dancing,_

_Stop calling, stop calling,_

_I don't want to think anymore,_

_I left my head and my heart on the dance floor,_

_Stop calling, stop calling,_

_I don't want to talk anymore,_

_I left my head and my heart on the dance floor._

_Lady Gaga - Telephone_

* * *

"Are you sure this isn't too short?" I asked Jo, feeling a little self conscious at the black sparkly mini skirt I had purchased earlier. The silver tank top matched it perfectly. But I wasn't usually the type to wear such revealing clothing. Ever since Jo and I had hit the dance floor I had noticed guys swarm behind me to watch me dance. It was a little annoying, but at the same time, it was just the confidence boost that I need at that moment.

"Hunny, you look hott!" Jo shouted over the music as we walked off the dance floor. Pink, blue and yellow lights flashed over the dancers in the middle of the room. I couldn't stop my body from reacting to the music as we headed to the bar to order more drinks. I could already feel the alcohol numbing my body. Jo ordered two superman shots for us each and we both quickly drank them.

"Yea but every guy in here is staring at my ass." I told her as I placed my glass down.

"That's the point. Just because you're with Criss doesn't mean you cant get out and have some fun right? As long as things don't go too far. Just for one night, have some fun. Besides, how many of our friends back in Michigan can say they've ever stepped foot in a place like this? I mean, back home, we only saw these kinds of clubs in the movies." she giggled and nudged her shoulder with mine.

I giggled along with her. "This place is pretty hott aint it?" I winked at her. "Two more please." I shouted to the bar tender.

"Take it easy chick." Jo warned me. I shot her a grin as the bar tender placed two more shots in front of us.

"I got this." we clanked our glasses together before throwing our heads back and quickly drank them. Jo grabbed my hand as the song switched to dubstep, she led me to the dance floor and we quickly sank back into our dance moves.

Five songs later I was ready for a break. Jo and I headed back to our table and sank into the seats, breathing heavily. A waitress came by and placed two brightly blue colored drinks in front of us.

"From the guys over there." the blonde waitress smiled at us and pointed over her shoulder. Jo and I leaned over to see who she had pointed to. Two dark haired blue eyed guys waved at us simultaneously. I could feel my cheeks turn red. Why did I feel embarrassed about some guys buying us drinks? They were only drinks right? I picked up my glass and took a sip before peeling my eyes away from their table. The alcohol must have been effecting me more than I realized as I thought about how cute the two guys were. Ever since Id been with Criss, I hadn't thought once about another guy, or his looks.

My phone, that had been stored in my handbag, started to vibrate. Jo and I both glanced down at the silver cloth that sat on the table and watched it light up. That was the 16th time that night that my phone had rang. But I knew who it was, and I didn't want to answer it. I was at the club with my best friend to have a good time.

"You gonna answer that?" Jo asked, sounding a bit annoyed.

"Nope. I'll talk to him in the morning." I snapped at her.

"He seems desperate Lana." her eyes softened.

"He can wait." I told her. She shrugged knowing how stubborn I could be, and took another drink. "So what did Criss say when you told him you found me?" I asked Jo and placed my glass onto the table.

"You really want to talk about this now?" Jo laughed. She was right, we were both toasted and Criss didn't really seem like the right topic of discussion. But she never told me his reaction, and I was curious. I shrugged and looked down at my glass.

"I just want to know if he was pissed or not."

"Of course he was pissed. Hes pissed about the whole situation. And he was really pissed that I wouldn't tell him where you were. After I calmed him down, he said he'd be waiting for your call, and if he didn't hear from you by noon tomorrow he was going to track you down." she laughed. "Not that he could find you or anything." she shrugged.

Criss seemed to be extremely over protective of me since we had moved in together. And there was no doubt in my mind that he would come looking for me, and somehow, he would find me.

"You don't know Criss then." I chuckled and took a sip of my drink. Tonight was different somehow. I suddenly felt the urge to forget everything that had happened recently. To drown my sorrows in some good tasting drinks and break a sweat dancing. "whatever," I said and shook my head, "I don't want to think about it right now, I just wanna go dance and forget everything." I quickly finished my drink, slapped the glass on the table, took Jo's hand and headed to the dance floor.

As we danced I felt as though someone had been staring at me, watching me, but every time I scanned the room, I never ran across a single pair of eyes that seemed to be on me, well at least not on places other than my ass. I didn't know if I was being paranoid, or if someone beyond the shadows was watching me. But I brushed it off as paranoia. After all, there was someone out there who was ready to kill me. At that moment I realized that being out in the public like this, being so vulnerable, without Criss to protect me, was not such a good idea. But once again, the alcohol running through my system took over and I quickly forgot about it.

Suddenly I felt a warm body brush against my backside and start to sway with me. I felt a hand lightly wrap around my waist and pull me backwards, grinding against me. For a moment, I found myself dancing back. Until I realized it wasn't the person I wanted to be dancing with. This tall, dark haired, blue eyed man dancing behind me wasn't Criss. I entertained the idea of dancing with him for a few minutes. Trying to let my body speak for my mind. But every time his hand would brush against my butt Criss popped into my head. I had only managed to dance with him through one song before I came up with an excuse to head for the bathroom, feeling all sorts of wrong dancing with a man other than Criss. Jo insisted she come with me, but I quickly made another excuse. I needed a quick escape. Jo kept dancing as I weaved through the crowd and headed to the bathroom.

As I walked down the long hallway that lead to the bathrooms, it felt as if someone had been following behind me, every time Id turn around, no one was there. I was starting to annoy myself with my paranoia. I quickly opened the bathroom door and leaned against the counter and took a couple deep breaths. I just needed to compose myself. Id meet Jo back at our table. It would give my legs a break, and maybe the blue eyed beauty wouldn't look for me there. I looked in the mirror, straightened out my hair and wiped the smudged mascara from under my eyes. I had forgotten how hard dancing was on make up. Once I thought I looked respectable again, I did one last check to make sure my skirt wasn't revealing anything it shouldn't, and braced myself for some more heavy dancing.

I opened the door and suddenly felt light headed, having to brace myself against the outside of the bathroom door. I guess I had drank enough for the night. As I started to head back down the hallway a hand grabbed my wrist, spinning me backwards and pinning me against a wall in a dark corner, my cheek rested against the cold wall and a body pressed tightly against my back. Another hand quickly snapped over my mouth to muffle my scream. I could feel their hot breath on my face.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Criss whispered into my ear. His voice full of anger. "Do you have a death wish? Or were you just planning on going home with that piece of shit who was clearly enjoying your ass more than he should?" definitely angry. He released my mouth but kept me pinned against the wall.

"Criss? What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you the same thing! At a club, drunk off your ass, and rubbing up on some other guys dick. Do I mean that much to you?"

"Criss, I was just having some fun." I tried to explain.

"Fun? You call that fun? You don't know that guy, you don't know what he had planned for you, and you certainly shouldn't have been dancing with him when you've got me! You want a quick fuck? Is that what you want?" he was starting to scare me with his anger. Suddenly his hand slid up my thigh and ripped my thong off. He quickly slipped a finger inside me and pressed his body harder against mine.

"You see that? You see how easy it was for me to force myself onto you?" he breathed into my ear. As much as Criss' dark side was starting to scare me, it turned me on even more. He took a step back and I turned to face him, placing my back against the wall.

"What the hell were you thinking? Coming to a place like this! Dressed like that!" he gestured to my mini skirt, then noticed he still held my undies in his hand. He quickly shoved them into his pocket. He sighed to himself and rolled his eyes, noticing the obvious fear on my face. "I'm sorry Lana. I didn't mean to scare you." he said in a very low voice.

"I'm sorry Criss. I wasn't thinking." I mumbled and looked down at the floor, ashamed of myself. He was right. I had drank more than I had intended to, and I let things go too far with a guy that wasn't Criss. A guy that I shouldn't have even been looking at, let alone dancing with. Criss sighed and pressed himself against me, lifted my chin and placed a soft kiss on my lips.

"I'm the one who's sorry Lana. There's so many things I have to be sorry about. I'm sorry I thought you would betray me like that, I'm sorry I kicked you out of the house, I'm sorry I didn't find you sooner, and I'm sorry that someone wants to kill you because you're with me." he winced as he spoke about my stalker. "You deserve so much better than me. I get so easily angered when it comes to you. If anything ever happened to you... Id never forgive myself." he placed his forehead to mine and sighed.

"We are one messed up couple aren't we?" I snorted and Criss chuckled. He kissed me quickly before taking my hand.

"That we are." he kissed me again. "Come on, lets go home." he tugged on my hand but I pulled him back against me and threw us into a long breathless kiss.

"I missed you." I told him before he smashed his lips to mine again, this kiss harder and hungrier than the last.

Before I knew it, we had managed to creep into the farthest corner of the hallway. Criss spun me around, placing my chest against the wall again. I heard his belt buckle come loose before he quickly slammed himself inside of me. I bit down on my lip to stop from screaming out in surprise and pleasure. It felt like years since I had felt the sting of him forcing me open. Criss grunted as he pulled out and quickly slammed back in. Placing his hand on my stomach, he pulled my ass closer into him as he thrusted in again and again, harder each time. His other hand reached around to my front and quickly found its way under my skirt before it viciously rubbed my clit. My nails ached as I dug them into the wall, trying to find some way of holding back my screams. With each thrust he pounded into me, and each movement his finger made against my clit, I bit down harder on my lip, and it wasn't long before I tasted blood.

The sounds of the loud music and the people shouting didn't do much to drown out my screams as I came hard against him. As he thrusted hard one last time and came deep inside me, he placed his hand against my mouth, in attempt to muffle my pleasure. But at that point I didn't care. It was one of the hottest things I had ever done, and I didn't care if we got banned from that club, I was going to enjoy every second of it. Our bodies swayed back and forth as we rode out our climax together.

Criss slumped against me, breathing hard. "How was that for make up sex?" he whispered into my ear, a hint of a smile in his voice. I was too winded to respond so I simply nodded and moaned. "_Now_ we can go home. We still have a lot to discuss." I winced as he pulled himself out and quickly buttoned himself back up, leaving me feeling suddenly empty and ready for more. I took a quick look around, and was thankful no one was close enough to have noticed our commotion.

"Let me text Jo and let her know you're taking me home." I told him as I picked my purse up from the floor and quickly straightened out my skirt.

"Don't bother, Sully came with me, he knows I'm taking you home, he'll let her know. Now lets get out of here before I kick someones ass for looking at my fiancee." his eyes were suddenly serious again as he took my hand in his and lead the way through the club. I thought I had heard him mumble something about a blue eyed fucker, but I thought it was best to not ask.

"By the way, don't ever let me catch you like that in public again." His words sent shivers down my spine. I made a mental note to myself to smack Jo for suggesting that I looked hott in a mini skirt.

"How did you find me anyway?" I asked as we walked to Criss' car.

"GPS. On your phone. You forgot to turn it off." he gave me a smile and winked before he opened my door and I climbed in. Another mental note, next time you're pissed at Criss, remember to turn your phones GPS off.


	15. I'm sorry

**I'm sorry**

* * *

_I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue,_

_I'm sorry about all the things I said to you,_

_And I know I cant take it back,_

_I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds,_

_And baby the way you make my world go round,_

_And I just wanted to say,_

_I'm sorry._

_Buckcherry – I'm sorry_

* * *

The car ride home was silent. I had so many things that I needed to tell Criss, and I was sure there were many things he wanted to tell me as well. I didn't know how we had gotten where we were. But it was about time that everything was put out into the open, so we could move on.

When we got home Criss led me to the bedroom, undressed me and put on my pajamas. He motioned to the bed so I crawled under the covers.

"Criss I," I began but he cut me off with a kiss.

"Not tonight hunny. You've been drinking and we both need clear heads when we discuss things." he told me. He kissed my forehead before seeing himself to the bathroom to change. And as soon as he crawled into bed and snuggled against me, I was ready to fall into a deep sleep, sleep that I desperately needed.

The next morning I woke up to a cold bed. I slapped my hand to Criss' side, but it was empty. That was when the smell of eggs had caught my attention. I quickly scrambled out of bed and headed to the kitchen. My stomach practically eating itself alive on the way.

I stumbled into the kitchen, my head started to pound as I caught sight of the morning sunshine seeping through the windows.

"Hung over?" Criss chuckled. "Here, I figured you would need these." he walked to me and handed me a couple of aspirin and a glass of water. I quickly swallowed them, handed the glass back to him and sat at the kitchen table.

"Coffee?" He asked.

"Please." I mumbled. "Wait a minute, today isn't one of your days off, why are you still here?"

"I took today off, I'll still make my shows tonight but I thought you and I needed some alone time." he glanced over his shoulder at me and my stomach sank. I was so happy in bed last night, with Criss wrapped tightly around my body, I had slept heavily, and had managed to forget all about the 'talk' that Criss and I had ahead of us. Now it all made sense. The aspirin, the breakfast, he was making sure my head was more than clear enough to get to the bottom of things. And I was suddenly dreading that upcoming conversation.

"So why was Jo drinking last night? I thought she was pregnant?" Criss asked as he scrapped some eggs onto two plates. I shook my head.

"False positive." I was really bummed when Jo told me it was a false alarm. I was looking forward to being Aunt Lana again. Criss mumbled something I couldn't quite make out as he approached the table. He seemed to be pretty pissed at Jo too. I didn't know what she had said to him on the phone, but from the sounds of it, it wasn't very nice.

"Well, I hope you had fun last night, cause that was the last time you'll be going to a night club without me." he said as he placed a plate of eggs, bacon and pancakes in front of me. I decided it was best to not answer back, so I started to devour my plate of food instead. Criss sat down next to me with his plate, placed to cups of coffee on the table and began to eat, watching me with amusement as I shoveled the food into my mouth. I hadn't realized how hungry I really was. I couldve eaten enough for 4 people.

Once I was finished I cleaned my plate off at the sink, placed it into the dishwasher and leaned against the counter. Criss still sat at the table, drinking his coffee and reading the morning paper. I stood there for a moment staring at him. I was starting to feel nervous. It wasn't like I was hiding anything from him anymore. But I could tell by his mood that things could turn sour quickly.

"So, where should we begin?" he placed the paper down onto the table and took a sip of his coffee, his eyes glaring at me. I shrugged. I didn't really know where to begin. He placed his cup back on the table.

"How about, lets start with why in the hell you were out drinking. And why you were looking like a hooker at a club while some strange guy rubbed all over you?" he shot an icy glare at me.

"Well," I flinched, "why don't you tell me how you really feel." I spat sarcastically. Did he just call me a hooker? I knew his anger was getting the best of him, but that really hurt. This was going to be bad. I walked back to the table and sat down next to him, he eyes never left me.

"Do you have any idea how that made me feel? I sat in the club for 2 hours watching you." that would explain my paranoia, "and if I didn't know any better, Id think you wanted that guy all over you." he accused.

"Criss it wasn't like that." I rolled my eyes. He should have known better. Yea, I admit, it didn't look good, but after everything that he and I had been through, he should know by now how I felt about him. His eyebrows shot up.

"Oh really? Then what was it like? Cause you seemed to be awfully content being plastered and rubbing up on some other guys dick." _ouch_.

"Look, with everything that's been going on I just needed some fun time. Ya know? Just to forget about everything, just for one night. That guy was nothing." I tried to explain.

"It didn't look like nothing." Criss spat.

"Jo and I were out on the dance floor and the guy just came up and started dancing with me." I threw my arms into the air. "I didn't want to. That's why I went to the bathroom, I was looking for an excuse to leave. I wanted him to be you." I looked down at the table.

"Then why didn't you answer my phone calls?" he glared at me waiting for my response. But I didn't have one. He continued to glare for a moment before starting again. "I sat there and watched you and Jo blatantly look at your phone when I called, you both just went on like it was nothing. I was standing about 30 feet away from you." he was starting to get angry. How could I explain everything without him getting angry? Maybe we needed more than one day to calm down.

"Why didn't you come to me? Why did you stick to the shadows like some creeper?" I shot at him staring him in the face. I could feel my own anger rising. I took a deep breath to calm down before I started spouting at the mouth and made things worse.

"Because I wanted to see what you would do. Jo made it very clear that you didn't want to talk to me and that you needed a night out. I didn't want you to know I was there. I just needed to keep an eye on you, to make sure guys kept their hands to themselves. Lets face it Lana, you are gorgeous, and you've got a killer body." I rolled my eyes at him. "You don't believe me? Ask any one of my friends, famous or not. Any guy will tell you what you've got going. And honestly, it scares me. Because it makes me think that at any moment, you could find someone better and leave me."

"Criss, you don't have to worry about that! You know that!" I tried to reassure him.

"Do I? You think you're lucky because you're with me? Criss Angel? Well let me tell you something Lana. I consider myself lucky that _I'm_ with _you_! But last night scared the shit out of me. I know you can go overboard when you drink. And I'm thankful you didn't go too far last night. But when I saw that guy dancing with you, I wanted to walk right up there and break the guys nose. But I'm supposed to be reassured that you wont leave me for someone else? After what I witnessed last night? It wasn't that one guy! Every guy in the joint couldn't peel their eyes away from your ass!"

"First of all, I already told you I didn't want to dance with that guy. Secondly, who did I go home with? It doesn't matter what every other guy thinks. What matters is what _I_ think. And _I_ think _you're_ the only guy who gets to touch this ass, and rub it or do whatever you want with it. You! No one else. And at the end of every night, just remember who I'm going home with. You!" Criss' jaw dropped. He must not have expected that answer. He snapped his jaw shut and fell silent for a moment. I leaned over the table and placed my hand on his cheek.

"Honestly babe. I don't want anyone else but you. Last night was a fluke. It should have never happened, and it'll never happen again, I promise. Its you Criss, its always been you, and it will always be you. No one else. Even if you lost everything, and you were no longer 'Criss Angel'. Even if we had to live in a card board box. It would still be you. Do you hear me?" He smiled at me and threw me into a long kiss.

"You really mean that?" he questioned me.

"With every ounce of my blood. I love you Christopher."

"I love you too Lana." he whispered into my ear.

"So I really looked like a hooker huh?" I grinned at him.

"I didn't mean that. I'm sorry, I was angry, I shouldn't have said that." I smiled widely at him.

"Its okay Criss, I knew you didn't mean it."

"So," he paused for a moment to take a deep breath, "now can you explain the letter to me?" I explained to him everything that happened, in detail, making sure to leave nothing out. Only stopping a couple of times to swallow back the tears that threatened to spill over. Frankly, the situation scared me to death. It felt good to tell him everything. I had been holding it all back from him, but every time I saw him, I felt the words on the tip of my tongue. I was aching to tell him what had been going on, and it was an utter relief to finally be able to do so. And I was happy that he knew everything, because now I didn't have to face it alone. Now Criss was at my side, like every man should be to his woman. And we could face it together. Maybe it wouldn't frighten me as much now.

"Don't worry baby, we'll figure it out. We'll find out who it is and make them pay for it, okay?" He kissed my forehead and pulled me onto his lap, wrapping me into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry for not telling you." I mumbled into his shirt.

"Its okay, I understand. You did it in the best interest of me. I cant say I wouldn't have done the same thing. I just wish you didn't have to go through this because of me."

"It might not be because of you Criss, it might just be me. Someone out there doesn't like me, and now that I'm in the spotlight, it pisses them off even more." I told him. I didn't want him thinking it was all his fault. Criss had a guilty conscious when it came to me, and I knew he was going to put all the blame on himself.

"But if you weren't with me, then maybe they would have left you alone." he grumbled.

"Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos don't you dare! Don't you dare put all the blame on yourself. You didn't write those letters, and you certainly are not the reason for them! Okay? So just knock it off!" I shouted and leaned away from him. He chuckled and raised his palms up.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Sheesh. Remind me never to piss you off." he laughed. "I got the full name and everything." he laughed some more. I couldn't help but smile. My attempt to be angry always failed when he was around.

"And I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I thought you and JD were.. well.. ya know. I don't know what I was thinking. I know the both of you would never betray me like that. But I was left with little imagination, if you know what I mean."

"Baby, you know I would never do that. Next time think of something better." I grinned at him and he pulled me into a hug again.

"Hopefully there wont be a next time. I'm going to get down to the bottom of this I promise. Just let me handle it from now on. And if you get another one, you need to tell me, okay?" I nodded. "Later today we'll go out and get you a new phone and a new phone number. We'll make it as hard as possible for this fucker to contact you. Whatever security measures they have, you'll get all of it. Okay?" he pulled me away to stare into my eyes. "Okay?"

"Okay." I nodded.

"I'm going to take care of you baby, I promise." he kissed my forehead again and wrapped me into another hug, resting his chin on the top of my head. I was glad things were out in the open and the tension between Criss and I was over. I couldn't imagine my life without him, and for a minute there, I was scared that's what was going to happen. But at that moment, cuddled in his arms as we reassured each other that everything was going to be okay, I was beyond happy.

"August 16th." Criss whispered in my ear.

"What?" I pulled back to look at him.

"August 16th. I want to get married on August 16th." I watched him for a moment. His arms wrapped around each of my shoulders as he gazed at me, anxious for my answer.

"Its my dads birthday." he explained, his eyes not leaving mine. My heart melted instantly and I smiled at him.

"August 16th." I nodded. "I couldn't think of a more perfect day than that." I smiled. His eyes lit up and his mouth grew into a wide grin. He threw me into a hard kiss before he quickly stood up, holding my legs and my back in each arm.

"Thank you." He smiled at me and carried me to the bedroom. As we laughed and giggled and kissed, I couldn't think of a time when he looked happier.


	16. My prerogative

**My prerogative**

* * *

_Everybody's talking all this stuff about me,_

_Why don't they just let me live?_

_I don't need permission, make my own decisions,_

_That's my prerogative._

_Britney Spears – My prerogative_

* * *

"Fucking tabloids!" I yelled and threw the magazine across the table. Criss took a sip of his coffee before picking it up. He chuckled and threw it back onto the table.

"They didn't waste any time did they?" he laughed. I didn't find it funny. It rather pissed me off. How dare they? They had no idea what that photo was about or what was going on at the moment. They had no right to make up some bullshit story like that.

I picked it back up and examined the photo. I wanted to kick myself for letting it even happen. Smack dab in the middle of the cover, a picture of me dancing with some sharply dressed dark haired man, clearly it was taken at the club. Next to it was a picture of Criss and I happily hand in hand, the two pictures separated by a tear, something you would see if you'd torn a picture in half. The tittle above it read 'Criss Angels heart broken by cheating fiancee'. Assholes! What a bunch of scoundrels. I was glad that Criss knew the truth behind the picture. I could now understand why Hollywood marriages never lasted. Because of money hungry bastards out to make a quick buck.

I flipped open the magazine and started to read the article as I slowly ate my cereal. I knew I shouldn't, it was only going to piss me off even more. But I had to know what was being said about me.

"Criss Angel became engaged with short time girlfriend, Lana Lovegrove, after they had known each other only a couple of months. The world was stunned when they heard the news, one of Americas hottest bachelors was tying the knot. Angel went on to tell reporters that he was happily engaged and that he didn't care for the rumors that had spread like wild fire about his new fiancee. Now the 44 year old magician faces another possible break up, making this his third failed engagement since his divorce back in 2008. His fiancee was spotted at the xs nightclub of Las Vegas last night with her mystery man. Witnesses say that wasn't the first time the 26 year old had been seen with this brown haired, blue eyed hunk. Reports say Lovegrove has been seen multiple times leaving Vegas's hottest hotels hand in hand with this new man. Angel or his fiancee have yet to deny or confirm these accusations. While it may be unclear where this relationship is headed, one thing is for sure, there are plenty of crazed fans who would be willing to capture Criss Angels broken heart."

I shoved the magazine across the table. "Err!" I growled. "I cant believe this shit! Did you read it?" I asked looking over at Criss, who was now raiding the fridge. He stood up and shrugged, walking over to me.

"I don't need to, its a bunch of lies so there's no point in getting worked up over it." he told me as he stopped to stand behind me. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and bent down to kiss my cheek.

"You're damn straight its a bunch of lies! They think I'm cheating on you with that guy from the club." I fumed. He chuckled and kissed my cheek again

"Don't sweat it babe. No one believes the tabloids anyways." he said. "You just gotta laugh it off."

"It pisses me off!" I shouted at the magazine.

"I know. But trust me, in a few years, you wont even flinch about the rumors anymore."

I blew out a loud breath. "I hope so." I mumbled.

"I know the truth, that's all that matters." I nodded in agreement. "Besides, you looked incredibly hott in that mini skirt. Id kick any mans ass who didn't want to fuck you." I turned my head to stare at him, he grinned at me and pecked me on the lips.

"Whatever happened to 'I wanted to break his jaw'?" I mocked him. His grin grew wider.

"Difference between look and touch baby." he pulled back to whisper into my ear again. "And only I get to touch." the mixture of his breath on my neck and his hand sliding down into my pajama bottoms sent shivers through my entire body. It was an instant kick into overdrive when he slipped two fingers inside of me and started to massage. I had only been awake for a half hour, so my morning peek was still a factor, and made my body twitch even harder with need. I closed my eyes and took in every ounce of his touch. He shifted me to face him and he sat in between my legs. His lips touched mine gently before he sucked on my bottom lip, nibbling lightly. Then his mouth was all over mine, his tongue caressed mine. He moaned into my mouth and his hand spend up. I slid to the edge of the chair, forcing his fingers further in. And just as he realized I was ready to pounce on him, he pulled away and stood up.

"I have some errands to run." he said, trying to hold back his grin.

"Seriously? You're gonna leave me hanging like that?" I glared at him and he shrugged, letting his smile spread across his face before quickly masking it.

"Dinner tonight? I made reservations." he stared down at me. I gave him an evil look.

"Better be more than dinner!" I gritted my teeth.

"Why don't you call Lynn and see if she wants to do something? Shes been asking me why you never call. Have her keep you company while I'm gone." he suggested. He leaned down to look me in the eyes, then he placed his mouth by my ear.

"And if you're good, maybe you'll be on the menu tonight." he licked my ear and quickly headed to the door.

"I love you." he winked at me before he closed the door behind him. Asshole! Getting me all worked up and then leaving me! He was gonna pay for that later tonight. I started to plot my revenge when something caught my eye.

That fucking bitch! 'Article by Cindy Moore'. Again? What was that bitches problem? Why did she have to continuously slander me? One would think by now she would've grown tired of me and moved on to someone else. There was no way I was going to call Lynn now. Seeing that bitch of a reporters name had my blood boiling and I didn't want to be in a pissy mood towards Lynn, after all, she was such a sweet woman, I would've felt bad if I had snapped at her or something. So instead I decided to take a long hot bath and try to calm my nerves. I really needed to get a grip on my anger issues. Even my anger problems were starting to piss me off.

After I spent an hour or so in the bath I felt better again. Like the water had melted away my anger. I got dressed, did my hair and make up and was ready to face the day. Whatever it had in store for me, I was ready. Ever since Criss and I had out talk yesterday, and other things that followed, I felt better, happier, stronger. Like I could take on the world. Okay, maybe not the world, but I could handle whatever was going to come my way. And recently, my life was anything but quiet.

After talking to Lynn on the phone for a while, we decided to get out and do some shopping. She agreed to meet me at the mall and we would have a girls day out. The mall wasn't as busy as I thought it would be. Which was okay with me, I never really enjoyed being in a place with loads of people. And it would give Lynn and I a little privacy, and little chance of being noticed. I walked through the mall searching for Lynn before finally spotting her sitting in the cafeteria.

"Hey Lynn!" I squealed happily as she stood and gave me a hug. "Long time no see." I laughed.

"No kidding! You need to call more." she smiled and we quickly became engaged in conversation as we pranced through the mall, feeling as if we had no cares in the world. It was nice to be with someone who wasn't well known to the media. And it was nice to have normal girl conversation without having to talk about all the business that came with being a celebrities fiancee.

"So have you and Criss set a date yet?" she asked me as we walked slowly through the hallways.

"Actually yea, August 16th." I beamed.

"Really?" She sounded genuinely excited. I nodded and smiled. "That's great! I'm so happy for you guys! Finally! You'll officially be my sister in law." she was grinning ear to ear.

"We haven't told anyone yet so don't say anything please." She nodded and mimicked zipping her lips shut. "Criss wants to have a family dinner this weekend so we can announce it."

"Hes such a romantic." Lynn laughed. Little did she know. Criss was romantic, but he was so up and down lately that it would be hard to tell if you didn't know him. I was assuming his mood swings were a combination of stress from work, and stress from me.

I knew I could be a pain in the ass. And I knew I didn't make things easy on Criss. But this relationship was new for me. Of course I had never dated a celebrity, and I had never lived a celebrities lifestyle, so it was hard for me to know how to act. And I think sometimes my cluelessness and the way I went about things drove Criss nuts. I wondered if I would ever adapt to the lifestyle or if I would stay on the path I was on until I finally drove Criss away. I shuddered at the thought and forced myself into conversation with Lynn. We spent a few hours talking and shopping. I had managed to find a few outfits that I liked and a couple of dresses. And some lingerie that I knew would drive Criss bananas.

We found a nice looking salon and decided to get our hair done. I had Vivian, the stylist who was doing my hair, re-dye and re-highlight my hair and give it a trim. I was proud of my long hair, now it almost reached my butt, if I straightened it, it probably would go past my butt. It took me years to get my hair that long, and I was glad I didn't give in to my last boyfriends request of cutting it. Claiming he liked it better short, that it looked hotter. And now I was happy I disagreed with him and stood my ground. When Vivian was all finished I took a look in the mirror. My hair looked so much better, much more darker, no more faded hair dye job. The white highlights looked awesome with my dark brown hair. The red highlights were much more noticeable now. I guess that's what happens when you go to a professional instead of a stay at home box. Criss would be happy with it, he liked my long hair, and my highlights. He always told me that was one of the things that first attracted him to me, said it was so much like his own personality. Satisfied with our looks, Lynn and I said our goodbyes and headed home.

Criss came home an hour after I had gotten back from my shopping trip. I heard him rustling around into the kitchen. An idea had popped into my head and before I knew what I was doing, my clothes were on the floor and I was slipping on the red and black lace nighty that I had bought earlier. I didn't have time for anything else before Criss was walking down the hallway.

"Hey babe, whatcha do..." he stopped mid sentence and paused inside the door way. His eyes practically popped out of his head and his jaw hung open. I couldn't help but grin.

"Tell me that's not what you're wearing to dinner?" he was still staring.

"Why? Whats wrong with it?" I looked down at my outfit, trying to act innocent.

"Nothing, if you don't mind staying home for dinner." he snapped. I could see his anger rising quickly.

"No way in fucking hell am I letting you walk out of this house like that!" he walked over to me. Taking the lace in his hands, he attempted to pull it over my head, but I quickly stopped him.

"Babe, this was really expensive." I decided that a little pay back was in order.

"I don't care, you are not going out in public like that!" he attempted to pull it again, I grabbed his hands with mine and held them in place, making sure his knuckles brushed against my inner thighs. I was going to enjoy this.

"I have nothing else to wear. And its your favorite colors." I batted my eyes at him.

"I know what you're doing." he told me in a flat tone. I cocked my head to the side and grinned at him.

"I'm not doing anything," I said innocently, "I'm trying to get ready for dinner." he grinned at me and pulled me close to him.

"Its not going to work." he said sternly. I could feel his hardness against my belly as he lied, it was working, and we both knew it. "Now go change." he demanded.

"Why?" I swiftly unbuckled his pants and walked him backwards to the bed. I pulled his jeans and boxers to his knees before pushing him onto the bed and straddling his waist, making sure he could feel that I wasn't wearing any panties. He groaned loudly and his eyes rolled to the back of his head as I slid myself up and down against him.

"Because this sexy expensive.. _outfit_.. wont make it out alive if you don't." he threatened me. I grinned at him before I moved down his body, stopping at his waist. He jumped slightly as I slid my tongue around the tip of his erection. I could taste his saltiness as I took all of him into my mouth. He moaned loudly as I flicked my tongue in just the right places. I reached down and lightly traced the outline of his balls, making him almost scream. I wasn't sure if he realized how loud he was, but it was a huge turn on for me. He grew louder as I sucked him softly and then hard and then softly again.

Just when I was sure he was going to lose it, I sat up and smiled. "Ya know what? You're right, this is a little to revealing for dinner isn't it?" I couldn't help but laugh at the look on his face. His head lifted off the bed, staring at me, his jaw wide open and his eyes full of surprise. I slid off the bed and headed to the closet, silently praising myself for a job well done. Although all that teasing made me hornier than ever, but I was better at dealing with it then Criss was. It was a matter of seconds before Criss captured me from behind and pulled me tight against his body.

"Payback?" he asked me, kissing the back of my neck.

"You started it." I laughed.

"And I'm going to finish it." he declared. His hand didn't quite make it to my sweet spot before I slapped my hand against his.

"We're going to be late." I told him as I turned to face him. His smile turned into a frown and he pushed away from me.

"Don't think this is over." he pointed a finger at me before heading to the bathroom to change.

"You better not be whacking off in there either!" I teased him. He started lightly tapping on the bathroom counter, imitating playing with himself.

"Ohh.. Lana.. Ahh.. that feels so good.. Ohh.. right there.. yea baby... yes... YES!" he yelled back playfully. I shook my head and laughed as I rummaged through the bag of new clothes. I quickly found the silky pink dress I had bought for tonight. I snagged a pair of undies and a bra and quickly got dressed. Grabbing my matching shoes and make up I headed to the bathroom.

When I opened the door, Criss stood in front of the mirror messing with his hair. He was already dressed. His casual jeans and black button up shirt made me want to jump him. I loved Criss' style, but sometimes it made me mad that he could get away with dinner in some jeans and a dress shirt. Where as I had to wear a dress, do my hair and my make up, and wear stilettos that after 5 minutes made me want to chuck them through a window. Don't get me wrong, I loved looking nice, but I preferred sweats and a sweat shirt over a dress any day.

"You got your hair done." Criss finally noticed as he ran his hands through my curls. "I like it." he grinned at me.

"Thank you." I smiled and turned to the mirror.

"Turns me on even more." he smiled seductively and walked behind me, pulling me close to his body. I could feel he was still hard.

"Baby, keep messing with me and we wont make it to dinner." I laughed as he kissed my neck.

"At this point, I could eat just you and not be hungry for a week." he sucked on my neck this time, making me shiver. He finally pushed himself away from me. "God you're an easy distraction." he laughed and ran his hands through his hair. I smiled to myself as he leaned against the counter and watched me apply my make up. Eventually he looked at his watch and tried not to grin.

"We do have a reservation. If we're going to be late anyways, I could think of a better reason." I shook my head and tried to ignored him and went about with my make up. I knew I could take a long time to get ready and I knew he liked to hassle me about it. This time it only took me 10 minutes and I was ready. Criss was amazed, making comments to the fact. I lightly smacked his shoulder and walked to the car.

"How do you know Cindy Moore?" I asked him as the waiter placed our food in front of us.

"Cindy who?" he asked as he cut his steak into pieces.

"That reporter."

"Oh, you mean the one you almost knocked out?" he laughed as he concentrated on his cutting.

"Yea, that one." I said as I cracked my knuckles, remembering how good it felt when my fist made contact with her jaw.

"She use to hassle me when I first started doing mindfreak." he told me as he took a bite of his stake and looked up at me.

"So you didn't..." I arched my eyebrow hoping he'd get what I meant. I didn't even want to think about Criss and that bitch together. He stared at me for a minute before he realized what I was hinting towards.

"God no! Shes too vindictive for my taste." he laughed. Relief washed through me. "why do you ask?" he took another bite.

"She was the one who wrote that article. And it got me thinking. She must have followed me to the club. How else would she have gotten that picture so quickly?" I was more thinking to myself then Criss.

"What are you getting at?" he asked, his jaw working hard on the steak.

"What if shes the one who's been sending me the letters? I mean, she knows you, and she obviously has a thing for you. Maybe that's her way of trying to get you to leave me. Maybe she wants you all to herself." Criss shook his head.

"We've already looked into her. Its not her. She may be a bitch, but shes not the stalking type." he explained.

"How do you know? And when did you check on her?"

"This morning, we had a couple of leads that we needed to follow up on. We called her to the station and they questioned her. Nothing out of the norm, well, at least for a reporter. She may be a problem, but shes not part of _that_ problem." I sat back and thought for a moment. "Hey, eat! Okay, I told you Id handle it, now let me handle it." he smiled at me. "Now eat before it gets cold."

I sighed heavily and began to eat. It wasn't long before our conversation lead away from the problem at hand. The wine was great, the food was excellent, and by the time we got home, I was still feeling stuffed.

I dropped my purse onto the chair next to the door. Criss took my coat and smiled at me as he hung it up.

"I'm hungry." he glared at me.

"Baby, we just had dinner." I laughed. He stared at me with hunger in his eyes, but he wasn't hungry for food.

"No, that was just the entree, you, my dear, are the main dish." he swooped me up, carried me to the bedroom, and lightly tossed me onto the bed, crawling up to me before he swiftly yanked off my dress.

"And may I just say, you look mouth watering." he grinned, making me laugh before his mouth was hard against mine. "Now to finish what we both started earlier."


	17. I will not bow

**I will not Bow**

* * *

_Now the dark begins to rise, _

_Save your breath its far from over,_

_Leave the lost and dead behind,_

_Now's your chance to run for cover,_

_I don't want to change the world,_

_I just want to leave it colder,_

_Light the fuse and burn it up,_

_Take the path that leads to nowhere._

_All is lost again, but I'm not giving in._

_Breaking Benjamin - I will not Bow_

* * *

I stood in front of the mirror fussing with my dress. The dinner Criss had planned with his family was coming up this weekend, and I still hadn't figured out what I wanted to wear. Lynn had suggested another shopping trip to find a dress, but I hadn't been feeling very well all morning. And besides, I had enough clothes to supply three woman happily. I was bound to find something in the heap of clothes that I had thrown in the corner of the room. After arguing with Lynn for a half hour, I had convinced her to just have a girls day by the pool.

The weather was just right for that kind of activity. I had to admit, I loved it in Nevada. It was a far cry from Michigan. Back home about this time of year, everyone in the state would be complaining about the snow and the cold. Cursing that the winter just get done and over with already. And I didn't miss it one bit. The only time I ever enjoyed the snow was when I was a child. And those days were long gone. Since I was 12 years old, I had hated winter. By the time it hit February, I was cursing mother nature, telling her enough was enough already. That we were all tired of driving in 4 wheel drive and going into ditches. The winter in Michigan seemed to never end. 9 months of cold was too much for me. No one really knew cold until they spent a winter in Michigan. Which was why I was about to go sit by the pool, in my bikini, in 60 degree weather.

I gave up on trying to find a dress and decided to get my suit on. Criss was out crunching over who could possibly be threatening me. I wasn't too keen on being left in the dark about things. But Criss was right. He said it was best for me not to worry. He would figure it out and handle it the way it needed to be handled. He knew I didn't deal with stress very well, so he insisted on keeping me out of it.

As I stood in front of the mirror with only my bikini on, I started to panic. Had I really put on this much weight? I placed my hands on my stomach, feeling the barely noticeable bump. But to me, it was very noticeable. How did I not see this before? There was no way! Was there? I couldn't be! I turned sideways to get a better view. My heart hit the floor. No, fucking, way! I glanced at the clock. I had a few hours before Lynn said she would be here. Before I even knew what I was doing, I threw some clothes on over my bathing suit, and was out the door, headed to buy a pregnancy test. And if it came up positive, I was putting Criss' balls in a vise grip!

As I sat in my car eyeballing one of the pink and white boxs, a couple of tears managed to stream down my cheek and I had to bite the sides of my cheek to stop from vomiting all over my car. My nerves were shot and I hadn't even taken the test yet. I had only gone through this once before in my life, and from what I recalled, it was the worst most sickening feeling I had ever gotten. Nothing compared to the feeling of thinking you were pregnant, especially when the man you were with didn't want kids.

I had almost lost it in the store. The old woman with her gray hair and blue eyes had a grin on her face the whole time I stood at the counter. As if she were happy for me. Little did she know what was about to happen if the tests came up positive. I had purchases several tests, in hopes that if one came up positive, the others wouldn't let me down.

How had things come to this? We were careful. We didn't even sleep with each other until I was already on birth control. The doctors said that the new pills could mess with my monthly cycle. And that's what I boiled my missing monthly friend down to. They said it could take a few months before my body would adjust and get on a regular cycle. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that _this_ was the cause.

Suddenly it all made sense. I had brushed it off as anxiety and stress but now I knew better. The crying, the mood swings, the vomiting, being late. My stomach lurched painfully, making me wrap my arms around myself to stop the on coming episode that threatened to take over. I took a couple deep breaths and smacked the steering wheel.

"Fuck!" I yelled. I wasn't sure how much more of life I could take before I had completely lost it. Things were starting to feel overwhelming. First the fighting with Criss, then the stalker, the pressure of being the perfect spot light fiancee for Criss Angel, dealing with the rumors and the media, and now this! I felt as if I were on the brink of insanity and I didn't know how long I had before I fell over.

If the test came up negative then there was nothing to worry about. But if it came up positive then Criss was going to lose it. He would hate me. What would he think? That I got pregnant on purpose? What if he thought that I disregarded his stand point on kids and went ahead with it anyways? I would hope Criss knew me better than that.

At that point I had realized there was nothing I could do. I was either pregnant, or I wasn't. Criss and I were going to have to deal with it if I was. I had been fighting for this for too long to give up. I knew Criss didn't want kids, we had that discussion on several occasions. It wasn't that Criss didn't like kids or anything. He just felt that he was knee deep in his career and he didn't want his children growing up with a workaholic father. To a point I understood. But Criss also needed to understand that I was going to be there too. That our kids would have a mother and a father. And I could raise the kids while Criss worked. After all, isn't that how tradition use to be? And it wasn't like Criss was going to be working forever.

My mind couldn't take anymore and I broke down into tears. I knew I should just get it over with. I pulled out my phone and dialed Lynn, forcing the tremors to stop so I could talk coherently.

"Lana, I was just heading out the door." Lynn answered.

"Uh, Lynn, do you mind if I come to your place?" I asked in a horse voice.

"Sure Lana. Is anything wrong?" she sounded concerned.

"Actually, yea." was all I could managed.

"Come on over, JD isn't home." she reassured me. I was thankful JD wasn't home, this wasn't really something I wanted him to know about. It wasn't really something I wanted anyone to know about, but I needed the support, I didn't think I could handle the two minute wait by myself. This could be the deal breaker between Criss and I, and at that moment I was praying to god that I was just being paranoid.

"Alright, Ill be there soon." I told her and hung up, pulling out of the parking lot I headed to Lynns to await my fate.

* * *

_**AN**__: hey guys, sorry for such a long wait, things have been crazy busy lately. I am trying to write as much as I can, but life isnt making it easy on me lol. I promise I will keep at it as much as I can (I knew it may take a while for this chapter so thats why the last one was so long) And I apologize ahead of time for any long waits in between chapters. :) Hope you guys are enjoying it so far! Thank you so much to all of you and a special thanks to my reviewers :) keep the reviews coming, it motivates me to write more :)_


	18. Breath

**Breath**

* * *

_I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like,_  
_Is it over yet? In my head?_

_I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind,_  
_Is it over yet? I can't win._

_So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left,_  
_I know that I can find, a fire in your eyes,_  
_I'm going all the way, get away, please._

_You take the breath right out of me, you left a hole where my heart should be,_  
_You've gotta fight just to make it through, cause I will be the death of you,_

_This will be all over soon, pour the salt into the open wound,_  
_Is it over yet? Let me in._

_Breaking Benjamin - Breath_

* * *

I walked through the front door, placed my purse and keys onto an entry way table and sighed. I wasn't sure how I was going to go about this conversation Criss and I were about to have. But it needed to be done. He was going to flip out on me, I just knew it. He wasn't ready for kids, and frankly neither was I. Suddenly my attempts to talk him into having kids seemed like a stupid thing to do.

I had taken all of the 16 tests I bought, every one of them coming out with the same result. Surprisingly I didn't cry, and it was somewhat a relief to finally know, but now that fear was replaced with anxiety. And the anxiety was quickly rising with every step I took further into serenity. But there was no turning back now. Whats done was done, and now we needed to face it. Facing the truth was the easy part, facing Criss was going to be the real challenge. I took in a deep breath and gathered my strength, I was going to need it, every ounce of it.

"Criss!" I yelled. "We need to talk."

"Lana! What the fuck is this?" Criss screamed from the across the house.

"Gotta be more specific, what is what?" I asked coming around the corner to see him standing in the middle of the living room, holding a magazine up in front of him.

"What.. the fuck.. is this?" He said again slowly this time. "Is this what we need to talk about?"

I moved my eyes to the magazine. My jaw instantly dropped, my body went numb and I could feel the blood drain from my face. On the the front was a large picture of Jared Leto and I. I was up against a wall, seemingly naked, my leg wrapped around Jareds waist. Jared stood in front of me, with his back to the picture, no shirt and a pair of jeans on, his body covered mine. I knew exactly where we were standing, in my living room. And I knew that picture came from outside my living room window. There was a large caption above the picture that read 'Jared Letos new mystery girl? Who is she?'. Luckily my face wasn't recognizable.

"Please tell me this is some kind of sick joke!" Criss screamed at me and threw the magazine onto the coffee table. Obviously he could tell it was me. He took a deep breath, folded his fingers together and placed his hands in front of his mouth. He looked at me and dropped his hands, motioning to the picture. "I'm tired of this Lana! Its like every fucking day its something else." he shook his head and sighed. "Could you please explain that to me?" He said gritting his teeth. I could tell he was trying to keep his temper at bay, but I also knew that it wouldn't take long before he lost it.

I was at a loss for words. I had no clue where to even begin. I just stood there with my mouth wide open, staring at the picture. I bit down on my lip hard and shook my head. "I.. I don't know." I said softly, unable to tear my eyes away from the coffee table. I wasn't sure if I was in shock and was trying to rationalize the picture, as if staring at it would help, or if I was too scared to look Criss in the eyes.

"The fuck you don't know, what the hell is this?" there it was, he was losing it. "I know that's you and Jared. And I know that's your living room! What the fuck is going on Lana!" He screamed. "I thought we agreed no more secrets?" he snapped.

I reluctantly switched my gaze to Criss' face. "That," I said pointing to the magazine and shaking my head violently, "never happened!"

"Like hell it didn't. Fuck Lana! I knew you two had become friends, but shit! I cant believe you would do that to me! What the fuck? One celebrity isn't good enough, you have to have two. After all the shit we've been through!" Criss screamed as he plopped down onto the couch and threw his face into his hands.

"Criss." Was all I could say. I didn't know what to say. I didn't honestly remember that happening. And if it did, you'd think Jared would have mentioned it to me. "Someone must have photo shopped that!"

"Some one has to be pretty fucking good to photo shop that!" he shook his head, "no, that picture is real." he glared up at me.

"I wouldn't do that to you. Criss you gotta believe me. Criss..." I stopped. He didn't believe me. It was all over. "I guess I was wrong about the topic of discussion." I mumbled, more to myself. I was glad I braced myself for Criss' on coming storm, I just didn't think _this_ was what we were going to be yelling about.

"Whats that supposed to mean?" Criss snapped.

"Nothing forget it." I shook my head. I didn't really think it was a good time to bring up the fact that we were going to have a baby. I sighed and racked my brain for the right thing to say. "Criss.. I.."

"Shut up." He mumbled, cutting me off. "Just shut.. up. I don't know what to think, and I don't want to hear anymore lies." he slapped his hands onto his lap and looked up at me. "God Lana, you really don't get it do you?" he asked shaking his head. "You're just not hollywood material. You obviously have no idea what it takes to live this life and it was stupid of me to think you could adapt."

My jaw hit the floor. That was a slap in the face. Did he really just say that? I messed up, big time. I knew I messed up, but did he really feel that way? "Is that what you think?" the hurt in my voice was obvious. I huffed a laugh when he didn't respond. "A leopard cant change its spots huh?" I asked sarcastically.

"I just... need some time." Criss mumbled.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked him in a low voice.

"I want you to pack your shit." He said. His face was nothing but pure anger.

"What?" I asked confused. "You want me to leave.. for good?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I want. I want you to get your shit out of my house and leave." He spat.

"Criss, I have no where to go!" I said loudly.

"Not my problem." He had lost all tone to his voice. He looked down at the floor, resting his chin on his fists.

"Criss please! Ill give you a few days. Just please don't leave me over something like this. I don't even remember it happening, I don't even know if it really did happen. Please don't throw me out. Not right now, not now. I love you. You promised remember? You promised you would never leave me again."

He snapped his eyes quickly up at me. His face was scrunched up with rage and he jumped to his feet. "Then maybe you shouldn't have fucked him! Maybe you shouldn't have lied about it. And maybe I shouldn't have went back to Michigan to be with you. Maybe you should've went with Jared to Europe, I can see you enjoyed him rather well." He snapped at me and pointed to the picture. "I don't want to be with a cheater."

"Criss, its not like that. I didn't cheat on you! If that happened, and I stress the word, if, it obviously happened when _you left me_!" I screamed. "Did you hear me? _You_ left _me_! I wasn't sneaking behind your back and fucking Jared, you didn't want me, remember? You rode in on your white horse, knight in shining armor. And instead of riding off into the sunset with my prince. He tossed me to the side like left overs and rode on without me! What the fuck else was I supposed to think Criss? I haven't seen Jared since you and I got back together. And that night was a mistake, a mistake that I will never make again." I screamed back at him.

"Fuck you Lana! You just admitted it!" He shouted and shoved his finger towards me.

"No I did _not_!" I screamed. I threw my fingers into my hair, pulling upwards hard and spun my back to him. "Ahhhhh!" I screamed loudly and stomped my foot, spinning back around to face him.

"I said _if_! _If_ it happened. _If_ it happened, I don't remember it, so how the fuck am I supposed to tell you about it? Ever think of that? And what about the fact that I was drunk? That doesn't account for anything? I know its not much of an excuse, but in my defense you know how I get when I'm drunk. Shit! If you didn't abandon me, it would've been you and not Jared! I'm not the only one to blame here!" I screamed as I jabbed my finger back towards him.

I was at my wits end, and I knew this was a losing battle. But I had to try. Losing Criss meant I lost everything, everything I cared for. And I didn't know how I could go on without him. Not to mention that we were having a baby and Criss had no idea. But that moment was the worst moment to mention that. I had a gut feeling telling him about the baby was only going to infuriate him further.

"Oh, I get it, 'Criss isn't here so I guess Ill fuck whoever is'?" He said rolling his eyes and crossed his arms, shifting his weight to one leg.

"That's not funny! You know I'm not like that!" I yelled at him. "All I simply meant, was if you hadn't left me, Jared would've never been there. I would've been with you. And even if Jared was there, that would've never happened, because, drunk or not, I would've stopped it from happening, because it would've been unfaithful to you. But you weren't there, were you? No, you abandoned me!"

"I didn't abandon you! I was trying to do the right thing!"

"Yea, well, look at how far it got you!" I shot at him.

He pointed his finger at me again. "Don't you dare try to turn this around on me! You fucked up!"

I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him. "Oh really Mr perfect. And how many girls did you fuck while I was stuck back in Michigan with my life in ruins?"

"None!" He spat. "See, unlike you Lana, the entire time we were apart, I did nothing but think about you. I had to try my damnedest to keep from flying back to you."

"Fuck off Criss! You don't think I thought about you? You don't think I spent every single fucking day wishing you would come back? You don't think that every time I got drunk, was so I could numb the pain you left me with?" I yelled. Criss crossed his arms again and gave me an evil stare.

"Did you think of me while you fucked him?" He snarled, his words instantly shattering my heart.

I stood there silently, fighting back the tears. My body was trembling with pain and anger. My heart had never hurt so much, not even the first time he left me. How could he say those words to me so easily and believe they were true? My vision was starting to become blurry. I bit my lip and placed my fingers on my forehead, closed my eyes and stood there. I had lost the battle. And after that last remark, I wasn't sure I wanted to fight anymore. The pain was becoming unbearable and I needed to get the hell out of there.

"Good bye Criss." I finally said. I turned on my heels and headed for the door.

"Shit!" I heard Criss yell as I rounded the corner. "Lana wait! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that!" Criss started to plead as he ran up behind me and grabbed my hand. I snatched my hand away and kept walking to the door. I placed my hand on the door knob, just as Criss grabbed my other hand from behind. "Lana, please don't go. Lets both just calm down and talk about this rationally. Just please don't leave. Don't run away again." He begged me. "I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry."

I stayed facing the door, I didn't want to look at his face right now. I took a deep breath and stood there silently for a few seconds, staring at the door knob, trying to hold back the tears so he wouldn't hear them in my voice.

"You've made it perfectly clear how you feel about me. And that's all I need to know, I'm done with this. Don't try to contact me, I don't want to hear from you ever again. Good bye." I ripped my hand away from his, flung the door open and headed straight to my car. Criss stood holding onto the door in shock as he watched me walk away.


	19. Bad Day

**Bad day**

* * *

_Had a bad day again,_

_She said I would not understand,_

_She left a note and said I'm sorry I,_

_I had a bad day again._

_Fuel – Bad Day_

* * *

I managed to hold myself together long enough to get a block away from his house. I came to a stop at the side of the road and threw it into park. I could feel my chest shatter with every breath I took. I started feeling sharp pains in my stomach and I was on the verge of vomiting. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and leaned forward, slammed my head against the steering wheel and let it all out. I had never cried that hard in my entire life. It was getting hard for me to breath. Eventually I had to fling my car door open, I stuck my head out and started getting sick. I didn't know if it was from crying, or nerves.

After my stomach was done emptying itself I slammed my door shut and took deep breaths. I looked down to my stomach and placed my hand on top of my bump. I wasn't sure how Criss hadn't noticed my sudden weight gain, but at that point I was glad he didn't. This baby was only going to complicate our situation further. I was going to have to tell Criss eventually, but certainly not any time soon.

I started to rub my belly. "I'm sorry. We will get through this, I promise." I told my little bump. "I'm so, so sorry." The thought of our baby made my tears come back in an instant, and I began to cry as hard as I could.

I had sat there for almost an hour before I had managed to calm myself down enough to drive again. After what had happened with the JD situation, I didn't feel right going to him or Lynn, and I wasn't mentally or physically capable to make the two hour drive to Jos house. There was only one place I could think to go.

I knocked on the door. Only a few moments later the door flung open. I started crying violently again the moment I saw him. I wrapped my arms back around my stomach, which was cramping very badly, and was only making me cry harder. I looked up at Costa and could see sympathy in his eyes. Looking at Costa only reminded me of the man I left standing by the door as I walked out of his life. The man that I loved so desperately, and the man that I had just lost.

"He saw it didn't he?" He asked, already aware of the latest scandal. I was crying too hard to respond, I shook my head yes and gasped for air a couple times. Costa grabbed me by the back of the head and pulled me into a hug. I smashed my face into his chest and started to cry harder. "Come on kiddo, get in here." He pulled me into the house and shut the door behind him.

Costa held me for at least a half hour before I was able to stop crying. He didn't say a word, just sat on the couch with me, held my head against his chest and ran his hands through my hair. At that moment, I was more than grateful for my brother away from home. Which was exactly what Costa was to me. Sitting there, comforting me, telling me it was going to be okay, it was exactly what my brothers would have done had they been here. After my hysterics were over, he led me to the kitchen, sat me down at the bar and made us some coffee. He placed a cup on the counter then sat down on the stool beside me and sipped his coffee.

"You ready to talk about it?" He asked.

I placed my hands around the bottom of my cup and stared at it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about it to anyone, and I wasn't sure how I was going to hold back my cries as I explained how I had just completely thrown my happy ending out the window.

I took a deep breath and started. "Your brother officially thinks I'm a lying, cheating, slut and only god knows what else."

Costa sighed and took another sip of his coffee, "I guess we should start from the very beginning huh? Explain the picture."

"I cant, that's the thing." I sighed heavily.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I mean, I don't remember it happening." I noticed his confusion and took another deep breath. Here goes nothing. "After Criss left me in Michigan I went down hill. Drinking a lot, black outs, you know." I shrugged, ashamed of what I was about to tell him.

"I know, Criss told me about it. You pretty much drank yourself into oblivion." he narrowed his eyes at me. I took a small sip of the coffee and placed it back on the table. I wasn't too proud of my behavior when Criss left, but unfortunately no one could change the past and the past was something I had to live with.

"So, when Criss left and my drinking started, there was a night when Jared Leto was in town and he had called me."

"Right, that was the night you two became good friends." Costa said.

"Right, so anyways, he had heard Criss and I broke up, so as a friend, he wanted to see how I was doing. He offered to take me out to the bar. In his defense he didn't know I was having drinking problems. So we went to the bar and I convinced him to drink with me. I don't know how much we drank, because after that, I blacked out. And I don't remember anything else from that night. The next morning Jo said she found me passed out on the floor with a concussion."

"Yea, I remember Criss telling me about that too." Costa winced. I had almost forgotten that I wasn't the only one who still felt the pain from that time. Bringing all this back up didn't help that fact. What happened to me hurt Costa and the rest of their family almost as much as it did Criss. And secretly, I hated myself for hurting all of them like that. I didn't know at the time what affect it was going to have on whom. I guess you could say I was being pretty selfish. I cleared my throat and continued.

"I think that was the night the picture was taken. I was with Jared that night, and we were both.. severely drunk. I cant remember anything from that night. That was the only time I was with Jared and cant recall what happened." I explained. We sat silently for a moment, lost in our thoughts.

"So what did Criss do when he saw the picture?" Costa asked, breaking the silence.

"Well, needless to say, there were many profanities flying around, from both parties." I sighed. "He doesn't believe that I have no memory of what happened. And I'm not sure, but I think he believes it happened after he came back to Michigan. Which I swear Costa it didn't! I would never do that to Criss! Jared is in Europe right now, and Criss didn't leave my side from the moment he went back to Michigan. Not to mention that not once have I gone back home since we moved here, and that picture was obviously taken from my house." I started to tear up again but managed to stop them before it was too late. I cleared my throat.

"So after he accused me of not caring about him, cheating on him, and in so many words, being a slut, that Id screw anyone if Criss wasn't available, and that I never once thought about him while he was gone, I told him I didn't want to be with someone who thought of me that way. I'm gonna call the airport as soon as I leave here."

"Oh hunny don't leave." Costa said as he placed his hand on top of mine. "This will all blow over, there's no need to leave. You know how Criss' temper can get the best of him sometimes. He says things he doesn't mean. Besides, you guys just made up from your last fight, you cant call it quits now, just give him some time."

"Costa, I don't have any other choice. I cant stay here, knowing that Criss is only so far away. I cant take it anymore, I think I'm finally at the end of my rope, and if I don't leave now, the rope might snap." I told him in all seriousness. I sighed heavily. "I just wanna go home."

"You are home Lana. Whether you want to admit it or not. This is your home, and we are your family too. You made that choice when you said yes."

"Costa, please, don't get me wrong. I love you. And JD and Lynn and Dimitra. You all are my family. But you all share one common interest that my family doesn't. Criss. As much as I love you guys, Criss is always gonna be around the corner. And I need some distance from him." I explained. I felt really guilty for saying these things. But it was the truth, and if my past taught me anything, it was that the truth is always best, no matter how it may come across to other people.

"Lana, listen, Criss will calm down, he'll come around and realize he was an idiot. He'll come to his senses. You just gotta give him a few days. Criss has a problem with saying things he doesn't believe when hes angry. Trust me, after all the years I've had with him, I know a thing or two about the way he acts and why. Just, please, you can stay here for a few days to let him cool off." he tried to convince me.

"There's more important things at stake now. And I need to take care of myself before any of this is going to get better." I told him.

"What are you talking about?" he cocked any eyebrow at me. I had forgotten that Costa was Criss' brother, and he wasn't easily fooled. He knew my words had more meaning behind them than I meant them to. There was no way I could tell Costa about the baby. I couldn't tell Costa before I told Criss. It just didn't seem morally right. I smiled at him and hopped down from the stool.

"Can I use the bathroom real quick, I'm just not feeling too good."

"You know where it is." he said still eyeballing me. "Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks Costa. I really do appreciate everything you've done for me." he gave me a tight hug before I made my way down the hallway.

I made it half way down the hall before the room started to spin. I quickly grabbed the wall to support myself, stumbling a couple times before my stomach lurched and I fell. The dark oak floor was the last thing I saw before I black out.

* * *

**CPOV**

I paced in the kitchen fuming. How could I have been so stupid? I was stupid for many reasons, one, for trusting Lana not to cheat on me. What else did I expect? I threw her into a magical world, full of drugs, drinking and a load of celebrities who wouldn't mind getting their hands on her. I should have known better. I should have known that Lana becoming friends with Jared wasn't a good idea. I had thought that she had thought better of sleeping with him. I guess I was wrong.

Secondly, I was stupid for thinking I could bring someone as normal as Lana into my world. How could I corrupt someone as sweet and innocent as her? Before she met me, her life was everything a persons should be. She had friends, family, and her dream job, and then I came along. I ruined her life. I yanked her from her home, her friends, her family. And gave her what? Nothing. Now she was in Nevada, half a country away from her family and friends, and unemployed. I couldn't believe that I seriously thought I could give her better. She had everything before, and now she had nothing.

Was she better off without me? As much as I didn't want to think that way, I couldn't help it. We had been down that road before, and it didn't end well at all. I felt trapped, like no matter what path I chose to take, it all ended in the same manner, like it was destined to happen. Psshht, destiny. If there was such a thing. I sighed heavily and thought hard of how to go about this sudden turn of events. My phone blared, jarring me out of my thoughts. I quickly answered, ready to get rid of whoever it was. I wasn't really in the talking mood at the moment.

"What?" I snapped into the phone.

"Mr. Sarantakos?" a quiet voice asked from the other line.

"Yes."

"Hi, this is Kelly from St. Rose hospital. We have a miss Lana Lovegrove in emergency." the words stung me like a thousand bees at once and my heart hit the floor.

"What?" I managed to croak. "That's my fiancee! What happened?" I demanded.

"If you could come to the hospital we can explain everything."

"No, tell me now! What happened? Is she okay?" I shouted. A hundred scenarios played out in my head. Had she gotten into a car accident? mugged? Oh god, what have I done?

"Sir, its against hospital policy to discuss patients over the phone, if you come in we can explain what has happened."

"Just tell me if shes okay!" I snapped, not in the mood to play the run around game.

"Shes fine, but that's all I can say over the phone."

"I'm on my way." I ended the call abruptly. The fact that Lana was in the hospital and they wouldn't tell me why, really had my blood boiling. I quickly grabbed my keys and ran out the door.


	20. Wonderful

**Wonderful**

* * *

_I just don't understand how,_

_You can smile with all those tears in your eyes,_

_And tell me everything is wonderful now,_

_Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now._

_Everclear – Wonderful_

* * *

I slowly opened my eyes and the faint sound of the heart monitor filled my ears. I scanned the room. Another hospital. What now? How did I keep getting myself in these situations? I tried to sit up and gather my thoughts, suddenly I felt two hands push my shoulders back down.

"No, you need to lie back!" I looked to my left to see Costa standing over me. I stared at him for a moment, taking in his expression, he looked frightened and stressed. I lifted my hand, my fingers tracing along the smooth plastic tube that wrapped around my ear. I ran my hands down the tube, following it as it fell down my face, under my nose, and back up to my other ear. I noticed the IV that ran down my arm and was taped securely to the top of my hand.

"Costa? What happened?" I asked confused. He stared down at me, saying nothing. His face full of pity.

"You fainted." he said, his voice empty.

This wasn't your typical visit to the hospital for fainting. I had fainted before, and that didn't involve breathing tubes or IVs. Back then things were so much simpler. As sad as it was for me to think that. It seemed like a life time ago, the last time I had been in the hospital before meeting Criss. Just a simple fainting spell. It happened quite often after my step father passed. The stress and anxiety had over whelmed me and the doctors said fainting was the way my body coped. But this was something more. I stared up at him, his expression giving everything away. He wasn't scared, he was sad, very sad. My heart started to race and I started to panic, this was bad.

He cleared his throat. "Just get some rest hunny, we can talk after you've had some rest." Oddly enough I felt rested. I didn't need anymore sleep. I wanted to know what the hell was going on.

"Costa please." I begged him.

"Maybe the doctor should tell you." he mumbled, avoiding looking me in the eyes.

"Costa, please, what's going on?" I pleaded with him. My heart felt like it was going to pound its way out of my chest. I could feel the sweat starting to form around my face.

Costa sighed and sat on the side of the bed, making sure his body was clear of all the tubes and monitors. He took my hand in his and stared at it. His thumb rubbing circles above my knuckles. Finally he looked up at me. His face was reddened and his eyes glossy. Was he going to cry? Costa? The man I knew to be from one of the strongest families I had ever met? The man who held me for so long while I balled my eyes out, who never once looked like he was teary eyed as I emptied my tear ducts beside him? The man who I had never once seen so troubled with his thoughts before now? What could possibly have been so bad to make this incredibly strong man break?

"The doctor said it was stress induced." he sighed.

I sat for a moment shaking my head. "There's no way what happened at your house was because of stress. What? Did I lose my appendix or something?" I joked trying to lighten the mood. But Costa didn't laugh. Not one hint of humor did I see on his face. "I can handle it Costa." I assured him.

"Do you want me to call get the doctor in here?" he asked. I nodded and stayed silent. I didn't understand why he just wouldn't tell me, but I didn't want to push him, I knew that whatever it was, it was bothering him too much to make him be the one to break the news to me.

But I needed answers. Costa left the room and was back in a matter of minutes with a tall young blonde woman, her white coat flowed over her blue scrubs and her green eyes were hidden behind a thick framed pair of glasses.

"Hi Lana, I'm Dr. Beals. How are you feeling?" She asked sympathetically as she approached the bed and quickly got to work checking my vitals.

"Considering.." I stopped myself. Costa turned towards the door to leave. "Stay." I managed to croak to him. He stopped at the door and turned to look at me. His eyes still red and threatening to spill. He nodded once and took his place by my side as the doctor jotted things down in my chart. Dr. Beals stopped her writing and looked down at me over the rim of her glasses. She placed the chart under her arm and took a long heavy breath. Yanking the chair closer to my bed, she took a seat and pulled off her glasses, folding them up and placing them into the front pocket of her coat. Leaning forward so she could look me in the eyes, she took my hand in hers and began.

"As a doctor, I see things every day that I could live a lifetime without seeing. Some things can be explained, some things cant. The ones that cant be explained are always the hardest to deal with. Now, as a doctor, I can explain the process, how and what caused it. But as a human being, I cant explain why god deemed it. He has his plans and he doesn't explain them." Wow, this was the first doctor that I had ever had who started her 'bad news' with a religious speech. I liked her already.

"Lana, what I'm about to tell you may be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to hear. But the fact remains that there really is no way to beat around the bush on this." she bit her lip and stared at me, making sure I was ready for the news.

"When you came into the emergency we quickly realized you were suffering from a miscarriage." A sudden wave of shock rolled through my body. Miscarriage? She sat for a moment and waited to continue.

"We realized that it wasn't your typical miscarriage when you wouldn't stop bleeding. You were unresponsive to pain and in and out of consciousness. We discovered you had what we call an ectopic pregnancy or tubal pregnancy." she swallowed hard, taking in my confusion. "Ectopic pregnancy is when the egg is fertilized before it reaches the uterus. The baby then begins to grow inside the fallopian tube and can put the mother at risk as the baby continues to develop, until it eventually ruptures the tube." She cleared her throat and watched my face. I was rendered speechless. I had no idea what to say. Dr. Beals continued, saving me from having to ask questions.

"There was some major blood loss but we managed to avoid surgery. The ultra sound has confirmed," she hesitated for a moment, "that its over. We need to keep you in observation for a few hours, but so far, everything seems fine, and you should be able to go home soon."

I sat there for a moment staring off into the distance, trying to gather my thoughts. Was this really happening? My baby? Mine and Criss' baby? I lost our baby? I had only found out about her this morning. At least I was hoping for a girl. But now I would never know. I would never get the chance to hold her in my arms, and do her hair, dress her in pretty pink clothes, teach her how to dance like mommy does, watch her wave to me as she entered her classroom on her first day of school. Criss would never be able to show her magic tricks, never get to see her big blue eyes shine with amazement, never get to listen to her shout 'again daddy, show me again'. We would never get to do any of that. I closed my eyes and felt the tears pour. Costa stayed silent. Dr Beals tightened her grip on my hand and I looked back at her.

"There's nothing you could have done." I nodded my head and looked to the floor. Why me?

"How far along was I?" I winced.

"Nine weeks." she answered. We all sat silently for a moment. "Is there anyone you'd like me to call? Any questions?" Dr. Beals asked. I shook my head the tears threatening to pour again. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?" I nodded slightly and the doctor left the room.

"Have you called Criss?" I asked Costa softly.

Costa stared at the floor. "No."

"Don't tell him, please." I whispered and looked over at him. "I don't know what he would do, and I don't want him any more upset with me than he already is."

"You knew?" Costa asked, narrowing his eyes at me. I nodded and stared off into the distance.

"Found out this morning, I was on my way home to tell him, but that's when.." A couple off tears managed to escape and I quickly wiped them off and sniffled. "It doesn't matter, he didn't want kids anyways, why burden him with it now?" I trailed off, my mind wandering again. If only I could have prevented this nine weeks ago. Then it hit me. My heart instantly stopped. I started shaking my head quickly.

"Nine weeks." I whispered to myself. "That's not.. possible. Nine weeks ago Criss and I were... split up." I stopped as I realized.. Jared. Nine weeks ago would've been the night Jared and I went out drinking. How could I have been so stupid! All those times Jared asked me if I remembered that night, it suddenly made sense. Why? Why wouldn't he have told me we slept together? So that picture.. was... real? More tears flowed down my face and looked up at Costa. He stood up, walked to the bed and sat beside me.

I glared at the wall ahead of me. "God I'm so stupid." I cried. "Criss will never forgive me for this." Costas face told me that he knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Nine weeks ago, you and Criss weren't together, were you?" Costa asked as he pushed the hair out of my face. I shook my head no and bit down on my lip. The tears were pouring now. "Itll be okay Lana. Its gonna be okay." He assured me and wrapped me into a big hug. "I wont say anything to Criss. But I think you should tell him." I snapped my eyes up to his face in panic. "Not right now. But you should tell him eventually, sooner rather than later. He deserves to know." I shook my head yes moving my gaze back to the floor. I didn't want to deal with any of this right now. Out of everything that could have happened, why this?

Almost as if Costa read my last thoughts, he looked down at me and kissed my forehead. "I'm gonna let you rest okay? Ill just be in the waiting room, if you need me, I'm here. You can come stay with me for a couple of days, and we can figure things out okay? We're gonna fix all this, okay?" he looked down at me and I nodded.

"Thanks Costa." I said and gave him a hug.

"You're my family Lana, I'm here for you." He said to me smiling as he got to his feet. "Now get some rest okay." He leaned down and kissed my forehead. "Ill see you later." And with that he was gone. I was completely alone, again. I threw myself back onto the hospital bed, rolled myself into a ball and braced myself for the attack of tears I felt coming. I hadn't even gotten one sob out before the shouting started.

"Where the hell is she Costa?" I heard loudly from the outside hallway. I could hear Costa mumbling.

"Criss, shes resting. Let her sleep and I promise you can come see her once you've calmed down." I heard Costa say. "Criss, you need to calm down." Costa shouted a little louder. I could picture it in my head, Costa standing outside my room, his hands gripping Criss' shoulders, Criss fighting back to get to my room. I tightened my body harder against my knees, I didn't know if I could handle what was about to happen.

"I'm very fucking calm!" Criss screamed. "I just found out my fiancee slept with another man, she leaves me, then I get a call from the hospital saying shes in emergency, and now they wont tell me shit. I'm very fucking calm Costa, why wouldn't I be? Now where the fuck is she!"

I yanked off every tube that connected to my body, only wincing when I pulled out the IV. Remembering the IV was attached to a vein, I grabbed the first piece of gauze I could find and held it down on top of my hand, before taping it down. My eyes darted to the door, hoping to god I had enough time before Criss busted down the door. I flung myself from my bed quickly gathering my things and throwing them into a bag. I threw my shoes on as fast as I could, quickly got dressed and tossed on my jacket. I ran to the window, cranked the knob and it slowly opened. I leaned out making sure I was on the first floor. I swung my legs out, hopped to the ground and before I could even think, I was running full sprint through the parking lot.

I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't do it. I couldn't see Criss after everything that had happened. I didn't want Criss to see me like this. Especially since everything I had just found out. I couldn't face him after what I had done. And even though it was all a mistake and an accident, it didn't matter. I now knew the truth of my mistakes. But that didn't mean that I had to drag Criss down with me. And I knew that after Criss found out the truth, he would never forgive me. I needed to get as far away from him as possible. By the time I climbed into the taxi, I felt sick and light headed. "Take me to the airport please." I slammed the door shut and relaxed slightly as the hospital got smaller into the distance.

* * *

**CPOV**

"Where the fuck is she Costa?" I screamed.

"Criss, please, calm down, its not going to make anything better." he said quietly. I noticed as Costas eyes flickered to the door on the right at the end of the hall, and then quickly back at me. That was one good thing about being me, I could always get the truth out of anyone, even if they were trying to hide it from me. I spun around quickly and marched towards the door.

"Criss! Where are you going?" Costa asked as he tried to run in front of me. "Criss, you aren't going to help the situation." He tried to reason with me. I didn't care. First she cheats on me, the she leaves me, now she was in the hospital and no one would tell me what the fuck was going on. I needed to find out for myself. I still loved her no matter what she had done or what had happened. I wanted to know she was okay. I didn't give a shit that we had just 'broken up' or whatever had happened. She was still the woman I loved and the woman I wanted to marry. And Id be damned if someone was going to stop me from making sure she was okay.

Costa snagged my arm as I reached the door. "Criss." he pleaded. I yanked my arm away and turned the door knob.

"Lana!" I yelled and flung open the door. I ran into the room but saw nothing but an empty bed. Did I read Costa wrong? Did he look at a different door? I turned back to him. "Where is she Costa?" I gritted my teeth.

"She was right here!" he threw his hands towards the bed and walked into the room. "I had just left the room when you showed up. She was in here when I closed that door! What the hell?"

"Well then where is she?" I asked getting very impatient.

"Maybe shes giving you a run for your money. The next Criss Angel." he chuckled and turned to face me. He took in my expression and his smile quickly faded. "Sorry." he lowered his head.

"This is not funny Costa, at all. There is _nothing_ funny about this situation." I glared at him.

"I know Criss, I'm sorry, Ill go check the nurses station. Maybe they took her for some tests or something." Costa said and jogged out the door. I took a deep breath and walked towards the bed. It was obvious someone was recently in the room. The bedding was tossed to the side as if someone had just gotten up. The bed was littered with wires that were meant to attach to a sick persons body.

I sat down on the bed and threw my hands over my face. "I'm sorry Lana." I whispered. Suddenly a silver chain caught my eye. I bent down to pick it up. The little sandal that hung from it made my heart ache. Lanas necklace. She cherished it, the only time she didn't have it on, was when she forgot to put it back on after a shower. It would take her a couple of hours to realize she didn't have it, and that very moment, she would stop whatever she was doing to go get it.

"The nurses said they haven't taken her for any tests, she should be in this room." Costa said as he stood in the door way.

"Shes gone." I sighed and closed my eyes. The necklace felt heavy in my hands.

"How do you know?" he asked. I stared down at the floor and held up Lanas necklace with one finger.

"She wouldn't have left this unless she was in a hurry." I rolled up the necklace, shoved it in my pocket and nudged my head towards the window. "And she left the window open." I looked up at him. "You want to tell me whats going on now?"


	21. Falls apart

**Falls apart**

* * *

_She falls apart, by herself, no ones there to talk or understand,_

_feels sustained, dries her eyes, finds herself, opens the door inside,_

_people see right through you, everyone who knew you well,_

_falls apart, might as well, day is long and nothing is wasted._

_Sugar Ray – Falls apart_

* * *

As I sat on the plane I tried my hardest to keep my tears from coming back. I didn't really feel like making myself the girl to gawk at in front of a bunch of strangers. Hearing the captain over head say we were landing in 10 minutes, my heart began to sink fast. I was back in Michigan. My original home, and my home once again. And I was completely lost as to what to do next.

I had called Jared as I sat in the terminal waiting for my plane to board. Of course he didn't answer. I figured he was still in Europe, but if there was anyone I needed to talk to at that moment, it was Jared. I had left him a very vague message, hoping he would hear the urgency in my voice and call me as soon as he could. How was he going to react? I didn't think he was going to flip out like I thought Criss would, but I also knew that it was going to take him by surprise. And I wanted to hear his excuses as to why he never told me about us sleeping together. I wasn't angry, just disappointed that he would do something like that.

I had wondered if there was something wrong with me. After my escape from the hospital, I started to think that losing the baby was for the best, under the circumstances. I knew that the baby was going to cause problems between Criss and I. He didnt want a baby. But then to find out the baby wasn't his. What kind of monster was I? Or maybe I was in some state of shock.

If you would have asked me two weeks ago what I wanted the most, my answer would have been a baby. Christopher Sarantakos' baby. I wanted so much to start a family with him. Regardless of what had recently happened, I still loved Criss, more than anything. And I still wanted to start a family with him, but at that point, I realized it wasn't possible. I couldn't face Criss after what I had found out, and I knew Criss and I were over. If you were to ask me right then what I wanted the most, it would have been to start all over. To have a fresh start. And at that moment, I was glad Criss didn't know the extent of what was going on.

As I sat outside of the airport, waiting for my taxi to arrive, my phone alerted me of a text message. I closed my eyes and inhaled. I knew who it was from, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. I looked down and my heart sank as I read the message.

_Lana, please come home, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I love you. Please come home.__  
_

I tried my hardest to hold the tears back as I deleted the message. I didn't want to deal with any of it anymore. It was then that I realized, wiping Criss from my existence was the only way I was going to get past all of this.

On the taxi ride home, I had thought long and hard of how I was going to handle things. And I didn't came up with much. I had to call the studio and see if they would let me have my job back. I had saved up money, but living in Nevada for almost 2 months with no income, my funds were almost depleted. And I had left all of my things back at serenity. Luckily I had left some clothes at my house, just in case we needed to visit Michigan without time to pack. I almost wondered if I had subconsciously thought that someday I was going to need the house to run back to.

Criss had payed off my mortgage when we moved to Nevada, and I didn't feel right living in a house he paid for. So I had decided to call my relator in the morning and see what I could do about selling my house. I didn't fancy the idea, I loved my house, but I didn't want to be living in a house that my ex fiancee had paid for. It didn't seem morally right. If I sold the house, then I would pay Criss back, and hopefully find a nice apartment for rent.

I managed to hold myself together until the taxi had pulled up to my house. My old home, the one I had bought years ago with my hard earned money, the one I had spent so many years alone in, and now it was the one I would come back to when my life didn't turn out the way I expected it to.

I struggled with my keys as I searched for the right one to my front door. Stupid keys! I could feel my frustration building up again. Too much had happened, and it happened all at once. It was no secret that I was bad at handling stress. And this was getting to be too much.

"Stupid fucking keys!" I yelled as I jammed the wrong key into the door knob. I pushed and pulled on the key, wiggling it trying to pull it free. "Oh.. my.. _god_! Get out you asshole!" I screamed. I felt my tears silently make their way down my check. Not tears of sadness, but tears of frustration. I yanked on the key some more but it wasn't moving. I kicked the bottom of the door hard and it sent me spinning backwards. Suddenly my shoulders were stopped by a firm pair of hands.

"Lana? Everything okay?" I looked up to see Jared standing in front of me. His now fully bleach blond hair had grown slightly since I had seen him last, still spiked up into the air, making his hair look somewhat scruffy due to its length. His usual dark jeans and leather jacket was all I needed to see to get a sudden feeling of familiarity. My heart didn't ache as much with Jared in my presence.

"Jared? How did you?" I struggled to say.

"I came as soon as I got your message. We were already on our way home from the tour, we just made a detour. You sounded upset, what's going on?"

"I just cant do it anymore Jared." I whimpered. He could see my tears in the dim moonlight. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his chest. I looked up at him and all I could see on his face, was concern.

"What the hell is going on Lana?" he asked me as he hugged me tighter. I snacked my arms behind him and placed my hands on his shoulders, and hugged him back equally as tight. "What did he do to you?" he whispered, almost as if he was speaking to himself. He held me tightly, holding the back of my head as he stroked my hair. He held me silently as I sobbed. "I'm gonna kill that fucker!" he mumbled.

"Come on." He said once he noticed my sobbing had slowed. He let me go, turned to the door knob, and with no trouble, pulled out the key, placed in the right one and swung open the front door. He led me to the couch and sat me down before he disappeared into the kitchen. I snagged a blanket from the back of my couch and wrapped it around me. I cursed at myself for being such a wimp. The last thing Jared wanted to do was come home from touring, and sit here listening to me cry about everything. The only thing that stopped me from sparing him the sob story, was the fact that it did actually involve him too. I wiped my tears and tried to perk up. I didn't really enjoy being such a cry baby about everything. He returned with two cans of soda and handed me one before he plopped onto the couch next to me. I was surprised that there was still anything in the fridge.

"Pop? I could use more to drink than a pop." I huffed. Getting utterly smashed sounded like a great idea right now.

"Pop?" he raised an eyebrow with amusement. "You really are from Michigan aren't you? I think for now we can deal with just _soda_." he chuckled. "Now, whats going on? I know I've been gone for a while, but it wasn't enough time for you to get yourself into that much trouble." He said and took a sip of his can.

"Jared, a lot of things have happened since you left." I pulled my legs into my chest and rested my chin on top.

"Just start from the beginning." He told me, clearly seeing that it was going to be a long and serious conversation.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me we had sex?" I glared up at him. His jaw dropped, his can of soda halted half way to his mouth and he stared at me. He cleared his throat and placed his can onto the table.

"You remember?" he asked.

"No."

"Then how?"

"Its all over the tabloids Jared. Someone had gotten a picture of us.. doing it.. and it made its way into the press." I explained to him, watching him carefully.

"Shit." he whispered and folded his hands together. "Lana, I'm sorry. I.. I don't know why I didn't tell you. I guess," he sighed heavily, "I guess I wanted you to remember on your own."

"But why? Why was it so important that I remembered? Why couldn't you just tell me?"

"Because I love you Lana." he admitted. He snuck a side ways glance at me, looking for my reaction.

"I love you too Jared. You're my best friend."

"No, Lana, I _love_ you, I'm _in love_ with you." he stared down at his hands, not looking up at me. I didn't know what to say. I loved Jared. Maybe even more than I was supposed to. But I was in love with Criss. My love for Jared couldn't trump my love for Criss. How could I explain that to him without being a total bitch about it? I threw my hands over my face and sighed.

"Jared." I mumbled. "Why?" I said more as a question to god as to why I was going through all of this.

"Because you're everything Ive ever wanted in a woman. You're,"

"Stop. Please, just stop." I cut him off, closing my eyes. "Ive gone through this speech with too many guys in my lifetime and I'm sick of hearing it. I don't get it! Why does every male I come in contact with have to fall in love with me? Why cant I just have one guy friend? I'm nothing special! I'm a choreographer from Michigan for shits sake!" I was starting to shout. I took a couple breaths to calm down. I realized that my outburst had the worst time ever. Jared was admitting his love for me, and I completely shut him down. He was vulnerable, and I had just made it worse.

"I'm sorry Jared. I didn't mean to," I placed my hand on his shoulder and he looked up at me. "Jared," I whispered. I bit my lip, not sure what to say.

"You don't get it? I asked you to go to Europe with me Lana. I don't ask every girl I know to come touring with me. I thought maybe, if you came with me, it would be just us. That I could finally make you see what you meant to me. Buts its never going to be just us, is it? Its always going to be Criss." He hung his head, placing his hands over his face.

"I saw you two got engaged. What happened?" he mumbled into his hands.

"I was pregnant." I blurted out before I could think better of it. He turned to face me, his eyes as if he'd just seen a ghost.

"You what?"

"With your baby Jared." his face had lost all color.

"What?" he gritted his teeth. This was going to be a longer conversation than I had originally thought.


	22. What if this storm ends

**What if the storm ends**

* * *

_What if the storm ends,_

_And I don't see you,_

_As you are now, ever again,_

_The perfect halo, of gold hair and lightning,_

_Sets you off against, the planets last dance._

_Snow Patrol – What if this storm ends_

* * *

**CPOV**

I placed my blackberry on the counter after sending Lana another text message. I didn't know why she wasn't answering me. I knew she was hurt and upset, but she normally always answered me. I had sent her about ten messages already, but not one single reply back. She had already shut off her GPS, so I had no clue where she was. My brain was silently hoping that she had shacked up with Jo for a few days. I knew her impulse was to run away when things got bad. And I was hoping she didn't run back to Michigan. I was hoping she was sticking around until both of us had calmed down so she could come home. But if she had gone back to Michigan, that only meant one thing. She wasn't planning on coming back, and my heart ached at the mere thought of that.

"Criss, maybe you should sit down." Costa suggested breaking the silence.

I plopped down onto a stool. We had driven back to my house in silence. Costa still needed to explain things to me, but I think he felt safer doing it at my house. Which only made me more nervous. The entire ride home all I could think about was how bad whatever he needed to tell me really was. I sat there for a moment staring off into space, emotionless. Costa took a seat next to me and turned his chair to face me.

"Criss, this isn't going to be easy to hear." He sighed heavily. "Criss," he hesitated. I could feel my heart speed up, this was it, I was thinking the worst possible scenario.

"Just spit it out Costa." I closed my eyes and braced myself.

"Lana was pregnant."

My heart stopped all together, I lost my breath and my stomach hit the floor. I could feel my heart beat start up slowly and then started to beat faster than I had ever felt before. I gasped suddenly, my lungs felt like they were on fire as air flowed back into them. I swallowed hard. I was going to be a father? But how?

"There's no way she could be pregnant, she got on birth control before we even," I stopped. The night at her house. The doctors said the birth control could take up to a week to get into her system. We both heard the doctor say it, we didn't even use a condom.

I had toyed with the idea of starting a family after Lana had brought up some good points in her arguments. I was 44 years old and I wasn't getting any younger. I hadn't wanted to start a family until my career had calmed down a bit and I wasn't so busy. But I had no idea when that was going to be. I didn't want to be one of those fathers who was never around, always working, having Lana tell me how the kids have been crying because they never see their daddy. But how was it going to be if I didn't have kids until I was in my 50's? By the time they were old enough to play catch with their dad, their dad would be too old to do it. Not that I wasn't in the greatest shape of my life right now, but things happen, I could have an accident with one of my stunts and injure myself, making it hard for me to do anything physical later in life. Or get arthritis and not be able to move very well. Anything could happen, and I as I got older, my chances of something happening increased. What kind of dad would I be then?

So this was it? I was going to be a dad finally. Having a baby wasn't such a bad thing. And lets face it, it was already done. There was no turning back now. And out of no where the idea of becoming a dad excited me. Then suddenly my thoughts snapped to one specific word Costa had said. Was. She _was_ pregnant.

"Wait, was? What do you mean was?"

Costa placed a hand on mine. "Criss,"

"Just tell me Costa." I told him. "Just tell me exactly what happened. No bullshit." I felt myself getting very impatient. He sighed heavily.

"Alright," he sighed again, "She came over here after she left your house, she was a mess, the girl couldn't even put two words together without breaking out into a crying fit. Out of no where she fell to the ground and fainted, so I called 911." He studied me for a moment to see if I was okay, I nodded my head once for him to continue. I wasn't okay, I could feel my body starting to shake and I was trying my hardest not to put my fist through the wall. Costa continued.

"They took her to emergency. I waited in the waiting room until the docs said I could go back. When I went to her room she was still asleep. So I asked the doctors what had happened." he sighed heavily, "They told me that she had a miscarriage," He stopped. Miscarriage?

"What? Wait... what?" I snapped. I was having trouble wrapping my head around everything. I felt like puking. My stomach was doing circles and my head was starting to spin. Why wouldn't Costa tell me this immediately? Why wouldn't he call me when she was in the hospital? And why would he keep it from me? Better yet, why would Lana keep it from me? Something wasn't right. They were keeping something from me.

"Why did _you_ tell me? Why didn't Lana tell me she was pregnant when she found out?" I asked.

"She was going to, this morning, when she got home, she just found." Costa explained. I suddenly felt like the biggest douche on the planet. So that's what she meant by our fight wasn't what she expected. She was about to tell me the happiest news anyone could ever receive.

"How did it happen?" I asked.

"Tubal pregnancy." he answered quietly.

"Tubal pregnancy?" I asked. I had no idea what he was talking about. And I was surprised that he had any idea either. He sighed heavily as he thought of an easy way to explain it.

"Basically the baby grows inside the tube instead of the uterus. Which means the tube erupts eventually if its not caught in time. They told me nine weeks was pushing the limit in her situation, that if the miscarriage hadn't happened she could have died and..." he stopped suddenly and closed his eyes, clearly he had said something he didn't mean to. Nine weeks? That wasn't possible. It was six weeks at most since our first time... the baby wasn't mine. I closed my eyes, hung my head and sighed heavily. That's what they were hiding from me. I didn't get it. Why were my brothers suddenly keeping secrets from me? Secrets about _my_ fiancee?

"Was it mine?" I asked, keeping my voice low so it wouldn't crack.

It stayed silent. My breathing got heavier as panic started to set in. "Was it.. mine?" I asked him again in a demanding tone. I kept my head down but moved my eyes to see Costas face. He bit down on his lip, took a deep breath and bowed his head.

"It wasn't mine." I whispered. I could see Costa slowly shake his head.

"Mother fucker!" I yelled and spun in my chair, jumping to my feet. I closed my eyes and threw my head back, biting down on my lip hard. My eyes stung and protested as I tried to hold back the tears. I threw my hands over my face and dragged them downward. She was pregnant with Jared Letos baby. "I'm gonna kill that prick!"

Costa shook his head in shame. "I didn't know until the hospital. She didn't know it wasn't yours either."

My tears finally found their way to my face. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out of here. Without saying another word I quickly headed to my car. With no knowledge of where I was going, I threw the car in drive and tore out of the driveway. It was all too much in too short of time.

Pregnant? Miscarriage? How could this all have happened? I needed more answers than what Costa had given me. How could Lana have done this to me? How could she have let things get this bad? And suddenly I realized that if the answers I got weren't what I wanted to hear, I was never going to be able to see Lana the same way again.

My brain must have known all along which way to go, and I realized that, when I pulled back into the parking lot of the hospital. Lana wasn't here, I knew that, she was long gone. But I needed to talk to a doctor, find out what exactly happened, _how_ it happened. I easily found a parking spot and quickly whipped into it. Hopping out, I was practically jogging to the doors.

"I need to talk to the doctor that treated my fiancee, Lana Lovegrove. She was in here earlier." I told the nurse at the counter. She typed something in the computer in front of me, instantly finding what she needed.

"Dr. Beals will be right with you. You may have a seat while you wait." She nudged her chin towards the waiting room in front of her. She bowed her head back towards the counter and went back to her paperwork. I walked to the waiting room, too impatient to sit, so I paced, back and forth, waiting.


	23. Somebody that I use to know

**Somebody that I use to know**

* * *

_But you didn't have to cut me off,_

_Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing,_

_I don't even need your love,_

_But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough,_

_No you didn't have to stoop so low,_

_Have your friends collect your records and then change your number,_

_Guess that I don't need that though,_

_Now you're just somebody that I use to know._

_Gotye – Somebody that I use to know_

* * *

**CPOV**

"Its like I don't know who she is anymore. First she lies to me about the death threats, then she lied to me about sleeping with Jared Leto, and now shes lying to me about the baby. Shes even refusing to answer any of my calls or texts, I just don't know what to think anymore." I fumed as I paced the kitchen floor. Costa and JD looked up at me with wide eyes.

"Criss, first of all, I don't know much about the letters, that was between her and JD," Costa said motioning to JD, "but I can tell you, they didn't tell you cause they were trying to protect you. Secondly, she didn't remember sleeping with Jared, and thirdly, she didn't know about the baby. I'm not trying to take sides here, but you need to keep a calm head about this, think rationally. She didn't do any of this intentionally."

"No Costa! I'm done. I cant handle this anymore. Why did she have to lie to me about everything!" I spat more to myself than anyone else. Costa and JD sat silently and watched me pace back and forth.

"Are you sure that's the route you want to take? I know how much you two mean to each other. Its just another bump in the road Criss. Don't do anything rash. Let the dust settle and then see how you feel." JD said as he looked to the floor.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I spat. "That fucking baby wasn't even mine!" I yelled pointing at JD. "So don't tell me I don't know what I want. I wanted Lana! I loved her more than I thought I could ever love anyone. But Ive got to draw the line somewhere."

"We just don't think you should give up so easily, if you really love her that much, then how can you just walk away?" Costa shrugged. JD nodded to agree with him.

"This isn't easy for me! You don't think this is tormenting me in every way?" I shouted at them. I took a deep breath. "The damage is done. There is no going back. No, guys, I'm done." I flung my arms through the air. "This is it, the wedding is off. I don't know where she went, and I really don't give a damn. At this point I think we are both better off without each other." I blew out a loud breath and plopped down on the kitchen chair in defeat. JD and Costa looked at each other and then both looked at the floor. They knew there was no talking me out of this.

I knew that last sentence was wrong. But it was right at the same time. We both had gone through a lot in our relationship. The damage had already been done. And for her sake and mine, we needed to call it quits. We both needed to move on. I still loved her, with all my heart, and that's why I was going to try. Not try to work things out, but try to move on and let her get on with her life. Things had escalated too far, and it wasn't fair to either of us to waste time on a relationship that had no future. And this time, I wasn't going back for her, and I wouldn't let her come back to me.

* * *

**LPOV**

"Lana I'm so sorry." Jared shook his head as he gazed over my shoulder at the magazine in my hands. "you deserve better than that." He whispered in my ear, kissing my cheek.

"I know, its just, so surreal. Seeing this, it puts the entire situation into perspective." I told him, nudging my face into his. He kissed my cheek again and sighed. I knew I shouldn't have been giving him the wrong impression. But Jared was the closest thing I had to a friend. Jo was still living in California with Sully, and Marie, my best friend from my old job, had moved to Grand Rapids. My family and I were back on speaking terms, but they still held a grudge against me for leaving them for Criss. I knew I had a long ways to go before everything was back to normal again. And I was surprised that when my family found out, they didn't give me the 'I told you so' speech.

Jared and I had discussed what happened in Nevada, and we had also talked about the baby and what had happened between him and I that night. Needless to say, we were up until 5 o'clock that morning. I was wrong when I thought he would take the news better than Criss would have. Jared flipped out. Apparently not catching the fact that I said I _was _pregnant. He paced back and forth around my living room for several minutes, thinking and rambling to himself at 100 miles an hour, even started speaking Russian, I didn't even know he spoke Russian. He finally stopped and asked me what I meant by was.

He was pretty upset when I told him I miscarried. Which was strange, from what I knew of Jared, he wasn't ready to settle down. In fact, had told a reporter he didn't believe in settling down. He thought that settling down implied that the path he was on wasn't the right path. And I understood that, to a point. But the look on his face when he found out, I could only describe as disappointment and heartbreak. But unlike Criss and I, we didn't fight, we just talked. No screaming, no fighting, no accusations, just talking.

We also had to discuss the fact that he admitted he was in love with me. The wounds from my recent split with Criss were way too fresh. Jared understood that. I had explained to him that I loved him too. But my love for him wasn't as strong as the love I had for Criss. He was very understanding about that as well. Which I half expected him to give me the 'all or nothing' ultimatum, but he didn't. We agreed that things between us were undecided, and that I needed to figure things out with my own life, and with Criss, before we talked about a possible relationship. I did make him understand that I was not going to even fancy the idea of a relationship with him or anyone until I was sure what was going on with Criss and I. And he was okay with that. But it didn't stop him from showing his affection towards me. And I hated myself for letting him do it, but after recent events, I needed whatever affection I could get from anyone. And at that point, it seemed that Jared was the only one who still stood beside me.

Jared had agreed to stay with me for a little while, to make sure I was going to be okay. It had been four weeks since I came back to Michigan, and Jared hadn't left my side since. He spent a lot of his time writing, working on songs for 30 seconds to mars' new album. He tried to keep his writing time for when I was busy with something else. He never wrote while I wasn't home, claiming I inspired him to write, and he couldn't think when he wasn't with me.

But under our agreements, we hadn't fooled around, didn't have sex, we didn't even kiss, and he slept in the spare bedroom every night. I was okay with that mainly because I knew I was still madly in love with Criss, and I didn't want to break Criss' heart more than I already had, even if Criss didn't want me anymore. I hadn't received a text or phone call from Criss in three weeks. And now I understood why.

Now as I stood in my new apartment, with Jareds fingers wrapped around my shoulders, looking over me at the magazine I held in my hand, I felt even more certain that Criss and I were done for good.

"I cant believe he would just throw someone as amazing as you away like that." Jared sighed. I huffed a laugh. Little did Jared realize that it was my fault. Criss was just doing what any guy would, he was moving on. I tossed the magazine in the trash and took one last look at it.

'Criss Angel cheats on fiancee with ex Mary Riley?' A picture of Criss and some skinny, big breasted, blonde bimbo stared up at me from the trash can. They looked pretty cozy with each other, as they stood outside a club wrapped in each others arms, Criss all fancied up and the bimbo wearing a black dress. If you could even call that a dress, Id say it was more like a scarf wrapped around her torso. I knew Criss didn't really cheat on me, just another tabloid lie, but I still wasn't very happy at how quickly he moved on. Like everything we had meant nothing, that I was just another failed engagement. I sighed heavily and slammed the trash can lid down, noticing my engagement ring still on my finger, I yanked it off and flipped the trash lid back open. Suddenly Jareds hand wrapped around mine.

"Don't." was all he said. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath, then placed the ring on top of the microwave. I glanced into the trash again, taking notice of the letter that sat next to the magazine. I had gotten it yesterday in the mail, same as the others. Only this time it was sent to my house, although it was a relief to realize it was sent to my old house and was forwarded to my new apartment. That was one thing at least, the psycho didn't know I had moved. I wasn't sure why it didn't bother me this time. Maybe I was in denial about the whole thing. Or maybe I knew that since Criss and I were finally over, the threats didn't hold ground anymore. Either way, the letter didn't jostle me one bit. Only reading two lines. '_Crawl back in your hole. Hes all mine now bitch!_'. I sighed and smacked the lid back down. Jared turned and took a seat at the kitchen table. I sat down next to him and stared down at my empty finger.

How could Criss do that to me? I knew things were bad between us, that was a given. But how could he so easily move on and act like what him and I had meant nothing? Here I sat, with Jared freaking Leto at my kitchen table, who had already made it very clear to me that he wanted to be with me. But I didn't. I had to admit that people probably thought of me as an idiot for not jumping on that, but I couldn't. I loved Criss too much. And even if Criss was moving on, I couldn't. I felt like I was betraying Criss if I told Jared yes. And I knew that if I did gave in to my temptation with Jared, and Criss and I did get back together, it wouldn't last long once I told him I ran off with Jared while we were broken up. Especially if Criss ever found out about the baby.

I looked up to notice Jared staring at me, he saw that I had been staring at my finger, where my ring was only moments ago, the finger that once meant so much to me, and now felt so empty, like it didn't matter anymore.

"What?" I asked, trying to put on a smile.

"Lana, I love you," Jared started to say, I opened my mouth to protest, not wanting to have this conversation all over again. He placed his finger on top of my lips and stopped me before I could start. "Just listen." he glared at me and I nodded my head yes before he removed his finger.

"I love you. And I would do anything to be with you, you know that already." I nodded my head once. "but I cant do that to you. I see how much you love Criss, and honestly its killing me. Not because you love Criss more than me, but because I can see how much you're hurting. I love you, and I will always love you, but I'm promising you right now, a friend," he leaned forward and placed his hand on top of my now ringless fingers.

"A friend is all that I will be to you right now. I see how much you hurt, and I don't want to complicate things further and hurt you more. So I'll be here for you, no matter what it takes. Even if it kills me to not be able to be with you. I will be the friend that you need. And in the future, if you decide you want more from me. Then I'll love you the way you need to be loved. But not until you know in your heart, that I'm the one you want."

His confession made my heart ache. How did I get myself into these situations? I had known for a while how Jared felt about me, but after what he just said, the words spoken from a real man, now I was starting to wonder if Criss was the one I should be with. Now my heart was stuck in a battle. A war, having to choose between sides, between right and wrong. Between fighting for what I want, or giving in to what I have. Jared noticed my expression, and smiled at me.

"Don't do that." he cocked his eyebrow at me and shook his head with an amused smile.

"Do what?" I asked innocently.

"You're deciding. Don't do that. Don't decide anything. I want you to follow your heart. And don't worry about me, I'm going to be here for you no matter what." he leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "I'm not going anywhere."


	24. Eyes wide open

**Eyes wide open**

* * *

_So this is the end of the story,_

_Everything we had, everything we did,  
_

_Is buried in dust, and this dust is all that's left of us,  
_

_And only a few ever worried,  
_

_Well the signs were clear, they had no idea,  
_

_You just get use to living in fear,  
_

_Or give up, when you cant even picture your future.  
_

_Gotye - Eyes wide open_

* * *

"Oh my_ god_!" I squealed and gripped Jareds arm. "The Avengers is now officially my favorite movie! That was so awesome! Best movie I've ever seen!"

"Yea, that was pretty bad ass wasn't it?" He smiled down at me as we walked out of the theater. I felt strange being so.. domestic with Jared. I was thankful everyone in the theater was so hyped about seeing the movie. It made it pretty easy to get in and out without someone noticing that the arm wrapped around me was Jared Letos.

"I'm sorry you had to see it in boring ol' Michigan, you could have been on the red carpet at the premier or something." I looked up at him.

"Nah, I would take you over the red carpet any day." he smiled. I looked down to the ground and watched my feet scuffle across the cement. I felt guilty being by his side, after our talk last month.

I wanted him with me, every second of every day. When Jared was with me, I didn't hurt. I didn't feel the pain of losing my baby and the love of my life within the same day. But that still wasn't a reason for letting myself lead him on. Sure, he had said he was okay with being just friends, but I had been down that road before. I knew how it was to be so desperate to keep someone you love in your life, that you'd tell them anything you knew they wanted to hear. Even hurt yourself in the process. And I didn't want to be the one to hurt him, but I couldn't lose him either. I had lost so many people in my life lately, I couldn't handle losing him too. He cleared his throat, noticing my uneasiness.

"So, I have to fly back to Los Angeles in a couple of days. We're recording our new album." My heart hit the ground. I didn't want him to leave me. But it wasn't my right to tell him not to go. "I want you to come with me." he said as he stopped walking in the middle of the side walk and turned to me.

"I don't know Jared, I really don't want to be any where near Las Vegas." I dropped my eyes to the ground. Jared chuckled.

"Lana, the chances of Criss being in LA at the same time as you, are pretty slim." he lifted my chin to look at me. "Please? I want you to be there. I seem to write better when you're around. And I want you to get to know my band better. My brother really liked you." he smiled down at me.

I had to admit it was extremely tempting. But what would Criss think if he found out I went and stayed with Jared? Then I thought about it, he probably wouldn't care. He had a new girlfriend now. So why did I care what Criss thought?

"Okay." I told him. His face lite up and he grinned.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yes." I nodded. He grinned ear to ear and yanked me off the ground, pulling me into a tight hug. He kissed me on the cheek and set me back down, the grin never fading from his face.

* * *

"Do you think going away with Jared is possibly a way to escape everything you've been through?" My psychiatrist, Gillian, had asked, snapping me back to the present. I shook my head.

"I don't know Gillian. I just don't know anymore." I admitted. "If there's anything you taught me, its that you cant run from your problems." Dr. Gillian Myers had been my therapist since the accident with my step dad. Her and I had become extremely close, and she was usually the one I ran to when things got to be too much for me. And she always knew exactly what to say to me.

"I want to go with Jared. But I don't feel right. Hes already admitted to me how he feels, and I don't want to lead him on." I explained.

"Does he know how you feel?" She asked. I nodded. She sighed heavily. "And this has nothing to do with Criss?" I stared down at the floor and didn't answer her. I wasn't sure if I was trying to escape my problems or trying to escape Criss. "Lana, you and I have been through a lot together. You've been my patient for almost ten years now. I think you and I both know how you react to stress."

"But this is different," I said leaning my elbows on my knees and resting my chin in my hands, I blew out a loud breath. "I mean, I cant even cry anymore. I don't feel anything. Aren't I supposed to feel something? I just broke off my engagement. I should feel something!" Gillian leaned forward and placed her hand on my knee.

"Lana. You are one incredibly strong woman. And that may be your down fall." I snapped my eyes up to hers. What could that possibly mean? She smiled at me slightly. "Ever since Ive known you, you always felt you needed to be the strong one, like crying was a weakness."

"Oh trust me Gill, Ive done plenty of crying. But I don't think I have anything left to cry." she tilted her head and gave me an amused smile.

"Now that's not true. I think you're back to where we started. When we first met, you wouldn't back down. Not for the life of you, would you let anyone see you cry or see your pain. You couldn't help it Lana, that's the way you were raised. Your mother was always the provider. And she was also taught that hurting showed weakness. You watched your mother through all those years be the strong one. You caught on to her behavior and began to think that showing any type of negative emotion was weakness. It took me months to finally break you of that. We worked through it, and after that, you weren't afraid to cry, you weren't afraid to ask for help and boy, you weren't afraid to put your foot down."

I grinned to myself. If there was anything of my behavior that I didn't lose, it was my stubbornness and my need to tell it like it was. I was proud of that. Yes, it made some people not like me, but I didn't care, I wasn't about to let people walk all over me because I was afraid of how they'd react to the truth. I'm sure my temper had a part to play, but that was a whole different mess.

"But you're right back where we started Lana." she sighed heavily. "You're back to seeing yourself as weak. You have got to get out of that habit before it turns into something bad." she stared at me, hoping she was getting through to me. I understood everything she was saying to me. But I wasn't sure if she was right. I didn't feel weak. I felt fine. That was the problem. I shouldn't feel fine after everything I had just dealt with. I cleared my throat and she sat back in her chair, smiling at me as she watched me.

"I'm a therapist Lana. I'm here to figure out your problems, not figure out your future." she sighed and I looked to the floor. I guess I was on my own then.

"But I am your friend as well." I looked up at her surprised. "And as your friend, I'm going to give you a little bit of advice. Do what you feel is right. If your heart still belongs to Criss and you feel there could never be anything between you and Jared, then don't go. But if you still love Criss, and you know eventually those wounds will heal and you can give your heart to someone else someday, then go. If Jared is one hundred percent clear on where your relationship stands, go. Go live your life, don't let Criss hold you back, cause you never know what you may miss out on." I smiled at her, amazed.

I knew she was a great therapist, but _damn_. I smiled at her. Everything she said made sense. And she was right. If I kept myself from doing things, afraid of what Criss would think, then I was never going to live my life. And who was I kidding? Jared was everything I would want in a man, if I couldn't have Criss. He was sweet and caring, and he took care of me when no one else would. He wasn't afraid to put himself on the line to help me. He already admitted to me that he was in love with me. And lets face it, he was fucking hott.

As much as I was fancying the idea of Jared and I at that moment, I was still not willing to over step the thin line that Jared and I had drawn. I didn't want to rush things and risk losing him as well. So for the time being, Jared and I would continue with our 'just friends' agreement. But I wasn't going to deny the fact that some day, it may lead somewhere else.

"Thank you Gillian." She returned my smile.

"Any time Lana. Now go enjoy yourself, and don't let Criss hold you back." she smiled widely as she led me to the door.

* * *

"You ready Lana?" Jared called to me.

"Yep, give me a second." I yelled through the apartment back to him. I took one last look at my engagement ring before shoving it into the envelope and sealing it.

"Do we have enough time to stop at the post office?" I asked Jared when I approached the door, dragging my luggage behind me. He looked down at his watch.

"Yea, plenty of time." He smiled down at me. I gripped the package in my hand tightly and sighed. This was it, I was sending back my engagement ring, letting Criss know that we were officially over.


	25. Savior

**Savior**

* * *

_That's when she said I don't hate you boy,  
_

_I just want to save you while there's still something left to save,  
_

_That's when I told her I love you girl,  
_

_But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have.  
_

_Rise Against - Savior_

* * *

"So, here we are." Jared said and plopped down onto the black leather couch. There wasn't much room, but I was still amazed. I had never been in a recording studio before, and it was more than I expected. "Shannon and Tomo should be here any minute." As soon as we got off the plane we headed to the studio. I was excited to see Jareds place, since I had never been there before. But sitting in the studio watching them record was going to be even better.

Almost as if on cue, Shannon and Tomo walked into the room. Tomo stopped when he saw me, Shannon oblivious with his nose stuck in his phone.

"Lana?" Tomo asked excitedly, as if he couldn't believe his eye. "What are you doing here?" Apparently Jared didn't tell them I was coming. At the sound of Tomos excitement, Shannon looked up from his phone.

"Oh my god! Lana!" Shannon smiled. Tomo and Shannon both hurried to me, wrapping me into a group hug. "Its been so long! How have you been?" Shannon asked. I wasn't about to go into my sob story of a life so I shrugged and nudged his shoulder as they pulled away from the hug.

"I should be asking how _you_ have been." I smiled. "All that touring and now recording a new album, you guys have been busy." I smiled down at Jared, who was now texting on his phone.

"Eh, we're use to being busy by now." Shannon said pulling my attention back to him. "So what are you doing here?" he asked raising his eyebrow in suspicion. I knew Jared and Shannon were as close as brothers could ever get, so I knew Shannon was aware of what had happened between Criss and I. And I was sure he knew every detail of everything I had told Jared, _every_ detail. Which was okay, I liked Shannon and I knew I could trust him. But I understood his question. He wasn't asking what I was doing there, he was asking if Jared and I had moved forward. And I was pretty sure the reason Jared now had all of his attention on his phone, was to avoid answering that question. I shrugged.

"Been having a rough time lately. Jared wanted me to come help with the new album." I told him, completely avoiding the real question. Shannon cocked his eyebrow at me. I knew what he was thinking. He was wondering how exactly I could 'help' with the new album. And I didn't really feel like explaining it to him. Not that it was bad, but it was kind of weird to have to explain the fact that Jared claims I inspire him to write. I'm sure that wasn't the real reason he wanted me around, but he did seem to write more when he was with me.

"Ahh, so you're ready to get your ass kicked on guitar hero huh?" Tomo laughed, changing the subject. I was thankful for that. Tomo had a way of knowing when I didn't want to talk about something.

"You wish." I laughed along with him and playfully punched his arm. Tomo and I seemed to act like brother and sister together. I had only hung out with him a few times since I met Jared and the band. Maybe it was because we were both from Michigan, but we seemed to have an immediate bond. It was strange how I seemed to bond with men. I never understood it, but the ones who didn't want a relationship with me, seemed to become like a brother to me almost instantly. I wasn't complaining. I would have much rather had guys around me than girls. Girls were just too much trouble.

Just then the door swung open. I sighed with relief to this new person who was saving me from having to explain everything to Shannon, who I'm sure was not going to be happy with the deal Jared and I had worked out, seeing that Jared was his little brother. I understood the big brother protectiveness, considering I had three older brothers myself. But I knew Shannon wasn't going to drop it. He was definitely one of those brothers that needed to know what was going on. I wasn't off the hook completely, just for now.

"Alright guys, lets get it going." An older, gray haired man with glasses called to them as he walked through the door. He smacked his hands together and smiled when he noticed me. "And who might you be?" he asked me, holding his hand out to me. Jared threw his phone onto the couch and stood up next to me.

"Irv, this is Lana. Lana this is our manager Irving Azoff." Jared introduced us as we shook hands.

"Ahh, the famous Lana. I've heard too much about you." Irving laughed and dropped his hand to his side.

"Oh god, not all of its true, believe me." I smiled awkwardly. He chuckled.

"Oh no, not to worry darling, it was all good things. But you seemed to be the main topic of discussion with Jared while we were on tour." he smiled at me. Jared looked down to the floor. Was he blushing? I nudged my shoulder against Jareds and laughed, trying to tell him it was okay.

"So, no time to waste." Irving said, taking notice that his comment embarrassed Jared. "Lana, you can sit in here while they record, just don't touch anything." Irving pointed at me in warning. He smiled to let me know he was joking. All though I was aware that the board full of countless buttons that sat in front of a wall of glass was not to be toyed with. Jared laughed at Irving and shook his head.

Jared turned me to face him. "Don't go anywhere. My mojo seems to leave the minute you do." he said quietly to me, making sure no one else could hear him. I understood, I'm sure all the guys would laugh at him if they noticed how mushy Jared seemed to be around me.

"Did you just say 'mojo'?" I laughed. He smiled crookedly and kissed me on the cheek before opening the door and taking a seat in from of a microphone on the other side of the glass. I took a seat on a swivel chair in front of the 'do not touch' board and watched as they started. I tapped my foot to the beat. Jared never took his eyes off of me as he started to sing.

"Witness, tell me what you think of my life. Judge me, jury if I am wrong or right. I've got secrets and lies that would blow your mind." Holy shit! I thought at that moment that I was underestimating the influence I had on his writing. Was it just me, or did those lyrics just sum up the past 6 months of my life? I shook my head, trying to dislodge the thoughts. I focused on the band, watching in amazement as they played. Watching them made me realize why they were my favorite band. And being best friends with the lead singer had nothing to do with it. They were so intense and focused. As they played, you could tell that nothing in the world existed to them at that moment, but their music.

As they wrapped up the last song, I was on the verge of tears. I had never experience anything like that in my life. They took off their headphones and walked back into the small room, Jared taking his usual stance by my side. He kissed my cheek.

"Whats wrong?" he asked concerned. I shook my head and smiled.

"Nothing, that's the point. That was.. amazing." he smiled down at me and took my hand, pulling me off the chair.

"Smile." Shannon grinned and snapped a picture of Jared and I and then held the phone out to Jared.

"Oh that is so facebook worthy." Jared grinned showing the picture to me. I looked.. happy. Standing next to Jared with the sound board behind us, both of us with smiles on our faces that said nothing but happiness, it could almost pass for a normal picture. He clicked a few buttons on his phone before shoving it into his pocket. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me towards the door.

"Hungry?" he asked.

"Starving." I laughed. Shannon came up behind us and wrapped an arm around both our shoulders.

"So what did you think?" Shannon asked me. I looked back at him and smiled.

"That was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. And I think your new album is gonna kick ass!" I grinned. He kissed my cheek and chuckled.

"That's my girl." Shannon grinned back at me. "So, the club tonight?" He asked. "We haven't seen you in so long Lana! I think its a call to celebrate, and catch up." I thought about it for a few minutes before nodding.

"Sounds great to me." I told him. And it did, I missed so much having a normal life. And even though the guys that surrounded me at that moment weren't exactly normal, it certainly felt that way when I was with them.


	26. Better than me

**Better than me**

* * *

_I think you can do much better than me,_

_After all the lies that I made you believe,_

_Guilt kicks in and I start to see,_

_The edge of the bed where your nightgown use to be,_

_I told myself I wont miss you, but I remember,_

_What it feels like beside you,_

_I really miss your hair in my face,_

_And the way your innocence tastes,_

_And I think you should know this,_

_You deserve much better than me._

_Hinder – Better than me._

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this Lana? Don't you think its a bit much?" Jared asked me and gripped my hand tighter.

"I'm tired of being plain old Lana. I wanna be a different Lana." I told him and smiled. I knew what I had done, and what I was about to do, was going to the extreme. But I wanted it. I hated looking in the mirror and seeing myself as I was. Every time I saw my reflection, I was reminded of Criss, and it was time that I did something about it. I had been in LA with Jared for almost a week, and I was still getting recognized as 'Criss' ex girlfriend'. Well, after I was done, no one was going to know who I was.

The buzzing began and I gripped Jareds hand harder. I had never gotten a tattoo, so I had no idea what to expect. Jim, the tattoo artist, wrapped his hand around my calf and began. I winced slightly as the stinging sensation began. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. I loosened my grip on Jareds hand and smiled at him.

"Okay, s'not so bad." I told him. He chuckled at me and kissed my forehead.

"Oh Lana. What am I going to do with you?" he laughed.

It was only an hour later before I had propped my leg up to inspect the work. Four little foot prints had run up my leg. I read the words that sat next to them and smiled at myself. 'When you see only one set of foot prints, it was then that I carried you'. I smiled at Jared who was also inspecting my leg. He kissed my hand and helped me to my feet.

"Well?" he asked, wondering what I thought.

"Its perfect." I grinned at him. He sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. He wasn't happy about what I was doing, saying that he loved the way I was. But I didn't care, I didn't love the way I was, and I wanted to change it.

I inspected myself in the mirror. I was happy with the way things had turned out. My hair now short and spiky, black with blue and pink streaks. My lip now had a metal stud sticking out underneath it, and my eyebrow a pink ring. Jared came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing my cheek.

"You are crazy." he chuckled and looked at our reflections in the mirror.

"I never claimed otherwise." I laughed and took his hand. I called out a thank you to Jim, before I pulled Jared out to the car. We sat for a moment while he stared me down. He reached up and rubbed his thumb over my thick black earring, tugging down on it as he dropped his hand. He shook his head and put the car into drive. I knew what he was thinking. But I thought, once he got use to my new look, he would love it. After all, Jared being in a rock band, my new style fit his perfectly. And I kept trying to tell myself that I didn't do this for Jared. That I did it for myself. But the one thought that kept popping into my head was, I was now one of them.

* * *

**CPOV**

I felt disgusted with myself as I watched Mary rock back and forth on top of me. Her breathing was rapid and she was starting to scream out loud. I couldn't deny that I felt relief when her screaming stopped and she toppled off of me, plopping down onto the bed and breathing heavily. She turned her head towards me and grinned.

"Sorry Crissy, I didn't let you finish." she giggled and made her way down the bed. I grabbed her by the back of the neck and she looked up at me.

"Its okay." I told her. She crawled back up to me and straddled me.

"Did I do something wrong Crissy?" she whined. I shook my head no and placed my hand on her back, slowly sliding her off of me. She sat down beside me and frowned. I didn't have the heart to tell her. But it wasn't her I was imagining on top of me. It wasn't her I was hearing scream my name. And it wasn't her that I wanted to be banging the shit out of.

"Criss? Baby?" Mary asked as she watched me silently make my way to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and stepped in quickly. It was a matter of minutes before I heard the bathroom door open.

"Criss, whats wrong?" Mary asked.

"I'm sorry baby, I'm just not feeling very good." I lied. It was easier to lie to her if she couldn't see my face.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked worried.

"No, thanks baby, I think the shower will help, why don't you get things around for tonight." I suggested. She didn't say anything before she made her way out of the bathroom. I felt like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Why was I doing this to her? Why was I doing this to myself? Ever since Lana had left, she was all I could think about. I kept telling myself that I needed to get over her. Even throwing myself into a relationship with Mary. I guess I had hoped that being with another woman would make me forget Lana. But it had the opposite effect, it made me miss her more.

Mary was nothing like Lana, which made me mad. Mary was too whinny, too clingy, and to obedient. She was tall, blonde, and fake. She would've rather listened to Brittney Spears than Godsmack. She wanted to go out to dinner instead of go to a club and dance. She was the complete opposite of Lana. I didn't understand what I saw in her in the first place. But when I had ran into her soon after Lana and I split, I decided to give it a try. Boy was I wrong about the turn out. I was getting to the point where I couldn't even stand Mary. Every time we fucked, I imagined it was Lana. Every time she looked at me, I saw Lana. And what was with the 'Crissy' thing? I hated being called Crissy.

I sighed to myself and turned off the shower. Maybe I was being too hard on her. I mean, after all, Lana left some big shoes for her to fill. And who was I kidding, no one was ever going to come close to being Lana. And unfortunately Lana was what I wanted, what I needed. Poor Mary. She had to know something was wrong. I couldn't even bring myself to take Lanas belongings out of the house. And Mary wasn't a fool, she had to have known that at least some of those things were Lanas.

As I stepped out of the shower my eyes made their way to the bathroom counter. To Lanas jewelry box, which now had her engagement ring sitting on top of it. My heart plummeted every time I laid eyes on that ring. Seeing that ring in my possession and not on Lanas finger, made the situation all too real. She was really gone, she wasn't coming back, and we were really over.

I closed my eyes and remembered the things we had done at that counter. I remembered so many times Lana leaning over the counter, her face inches from the mirror as she applied her make up. Or when she would spend 20 minutes standing there fighting to get the brush through her wet curly hair. How many times I had to snatch the brush from her and force her to let me brush her hair. And the many times I had sat her on top of that counter, both of us naked, not able to keep our hands off of each other. How many times we had to disinfect the counter top once we were done. I bit down on my lip and tried to push the memories away.

It was useless. Every where I turned I remembered Lana. There wasn't one surface in serenity that we hadn't made love on. Another thing Id never find in another woman. Lana and I could make love 100 times a day and we still wanted more. But unlike all the rest of my relationships, it was never about the sex. The sex was just a really good bonus.

"Are you ready Crissy?" Mary asked snapping me out of my thoughts. This weekend we were heading to LA for a friends birthday party. I really wasn't in the mood to go anywhere, specially somewhere so public. But I had made a promise, and I wasn't usually one to break promises. Just then my phone rang. It was sully.

"Hey man, you're going this weekend, right?" he asked before I even said anything. Sully was pretty anxious about this weekend. He hadn't been able to make much time for partying lately, between his concerts and trying to keep Jo happy, he was pretty busy. Jo. Another reason I didn't feel like going tonight. Every time I saw Jo I was reminded of Lana. Of how much I missed listening to them two giggle around the house. No matter how ridiculous their conversations got. I missed the echo of them, and without them, the house seemed so.. quiet. I sighed.

"Yea I'm going. You don't think Jo's gonna say anything to Lana about Mary do you?" I asked him. Not that I wasn't sure Lana hadn't already heard about us some how. But if she didn't, I didn't want Jo to be the person to break the news.

"I doubt it. Jo has pretty much given up on talking to Lana about you." Sully told me.

"Why?" I asked.

"I guess every time Jo says anything about you Lana freaks out and says she doesn't want to talk about it." he explained. I hadn't told anyone but my brothers the full extent of our break up. I didn't know if Lana had told Jo, but from the sounds of it, Jo had no idea. If she did, she would have come after me by now.

"Do you," I sighed "Do you think I started dating Mary too soon?" I asked sully. Something that had been bothering me for a long time. I loved Lana, I still did. But I thought if I had someone else, that it wouldn't hurt as bad. But I didn't stop to think about what everyone else had thought.

"Well, considering she moved on pretty quickly, I guess it levels the playing field."

"What are you talking about?" I asked gripping the phone tightly.

"You don't know? Ah shit man, I'm sorry, I thought you knew."

"Know what?"

"Nothing man, just forget I said anything."

"No, no, no. You cant say something like that and not tell me. Talk!" I shouted.

"Check out Jareds facebook. You'll understand."

I ran to the computer as quick as I could. Completely forgetting Sully was on the phone. In a flash I was on Jareds facebook. My eyes couldn't believe what they saw. A picture of Jared and Lana, standing in a recording studio. They both had shit eating grins on their faces. 'My luck charm, Lana and I working on the new 30 seconds to mars album' the caption on the bottom read. What the fuck?

"What the fuck?" I yelled into the phone.

"I don't know dude, I saw it a couple days ago. I thought you knew." Sully sighed into the phone.

"I had no idea." I gritted my teeth. What the fuck was she doing with him again? My blood was starting to boil. "I gotta go Sully, Ill see you this weekend." I ended the call before he could say anything else. I couldn't believe she was with Jared again! I would have thought after everything that had happened she would've avoided him completely. But no, instead she ran right into his arms. Maybe I was right about her and Jared in the first place. I punched the top of my desk, and yelled.

"Baby, is everything okay?" Mary asked in concern as she rounded the corner.

"Everything's fine!" I said with a little too much anger. I stood up and took her hand. "Lets get ready, we're leaving soon." I was ready for some alcohol, lots and lots of it.


	27. Saturday

**Saturday**

* * *

_Don't give us none of your aggravation_,  
_We had it with your discipline_,  
_Saturday night's alright for fighting_,  
_Get a little action in,_

_Get about as oiled as a diesel train_,  
_Gonna set this town alight_,  
_`Cause Saturday night's the night I like_,  
_Saturday night's alright, alright, alright_

_Nickelback - Saturday nights alright_

* * *

Tomo threw the guitar onto the couch and playfully punched me in the arm.

"You are unbelievable!" He laughed and plopped down onto the couch in defeat. I giggled and shrugged.

"I told you, I'm the guitar hero champ." I stuck my tongue out at him. "Who's next?" I yelled across the house. Shannon chuckled from the other room, I was assuming that was a 'no thanks'. I looked down at Jared who sat on the couch amused. He shook his head no when I looked at him.

"I've learned my lesson." Jared laughed. "I cant believe you don't even know how to play a real guitar but you can whoop anyones ass in this game." He motioned to the tv and slapped his hand onto his knee. I shrugged and grinned at him.

"So why not take one more shot at it? _Guitar guy_." I mocked him. Jared was always teasing me about the fact that I didn't know how to play guitar. He was always trying to get out of playing guitar hero with me, claiming if it was a real guitar he'd kick my ass. So I started teasing him, saying he was tooting his own horn about his skills. Even though anyone who knew of Jared Leto, knew he _was_ really talented, and Jared knew it too. But I liked to tease him and tell him he was so full of himself. Guitar guy was my nickname for him when he started to talk about his talents, or tease me about my lack of talent. He hated it when I called him that. I think it was simply because he was a guy, and everyone knew how upset guys could get when a girl could beat them at a video game. He glared up at me, giving me a warning. I plopped down onto the couch, fighting the urge to laugh.

"Are you sure you don't want to go with me tonight? Id feel better if you were there." I asked him. Jo had called and invited me out to a club. I guess it was more like a rave than a club, Jared had informed me. I had gone out earlier and bought my outfit for the night. I was a little uneasy about wearing something so exposing. Eliza, one of the bands many helpers, had gone with me to help pick it out, and she reassured me that what we bought, was exactly the kind of thing I needed to wear.

"I would love to, but you know I've got a lot of things to finish tonight. I know its been a long time since you've seen Jo. You go, have fun, you know where Ill be when you get home." he smiled at me and slapped his hand onto my knee. "Speaking of which, you'd better get ready." he told me looking up at the clock. I really wanted him to go, but he had cords to write and lyrics to come up with. He had too much to do and not enough time to do it. So I tried not to push him too hard about going with me places. I sighed and stared at him for a moment.

"Its gonna take a while to get use to this." he told me and rolled my hair between his fingers. He let his hand fall into his lap. "Go get ready." I sighed and headed to my bedroom, dragging out the hott pink outfit I had purchased earlier. Once my outfit was in place, I quickly ran to the bathroom, trying not to let anyone see me, and started with my make up. When I finally came out an hour later, Jared was still sitting on the couch, writing in his notebook. He looked up, when he noticed me his eyes practically popped out of his head.

"Holy shit! I'm not sure I want you leaving this house like that. Are you sure you want to go out wearing that?" he asked. He was starting to sound like Criss. And I wasn't sure if I liked it or wanted to cringe. I looked down at my outfit and held my arms out. I wasn't going to lie, I was a frickin go go dancer. Fuzzy boots and all. Not my typical style, but I was in the mood for new things lately, so what the hell.

"Eliza said this is perfect for the club I'm going to." I shrugged and slapped my hands to my side.

"Yea, she would say that wouldn't she?" he chuckled. "Just be careful. With that outfit on, you may be attracting the wrong kind of guy." he moved his leg and propped it up beside him, taking that opportunity to adjust himself, hoping I wouldn't notice, but I did. I rolled my eyes at him. Typical guy. Put on a sexy outfit and its an instant hard on.

"Maybe Tomo or Shannon should go with you. Keep the guys off you." I rolled my eyes again.

"Jared I'll be fine." I chuckled. My cell phone vibrated. "They're here." I said and threw my phone into my purse and walked to the couch. Leaning over the back, I kissed Jared on the cheek.

"Gotta go. Don't wait up." I winked at him.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do." he laughed.

"Oh, I'm gonna do everything you wouldn't do, and then some." I laughed as I bounced happily out the door, but not before I heard him groan. It seemed like Jared and I were getting close, too close. I had my feelings for Jared, but I didn't want things to go too far too fast between us. The last time that happened, it ended very badly.

"Oh my god! You look fucking hott!" Jo squealed as I climbed into the back seat. I looked over the passenger seat to see what Jo was wearing. I laughed when I noticed that she had on pretty much the same outfit that I did, only purple.

"You too!" I giggled. Sully sat in the drivers seat, straight faced and staring forward. "Hey Sul!" I said to him and nudged his arm. He didn't look too happy, and I was hoping it had nothing to do with me. Ever since the break up, I had felt the tension between Criss' friends and I.

"Hey Lana. How you been?" he asked perking up slightly, he was trying to look happy, which was never a good sign when it came to Sully. I shrugged.

"Cant complain." I didn't want to go into detail. Specially considering who Sullys best friend was. Only god knew what Sully thought of me.

I had been so hyped about seeing Jo again that I didn't notice the man sitting beside me. When I turned to look, my eyes couldn't believe what they were seeing.

"Brian? Oh my god! Brian!" I shrieked as I threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly.

"Hey Lana." he laughed and hugged me back. He looked just the same as the last time I had seen him. Brian was one of the few ex's that I was still on good terms with. And seeing him then made me wish we ever broke up. He was gorgeous. His blonde hair and blue eyes were tempting in every aspect. He wasn't muscular but he had not an ounce of fat on his body. And from a life of being in construction, his arms were built just right. I could remember so many nights that those arms were wrapped tightly around my body. I shook my head, trying not to remember those crazy nights we use to spend together. We split up 5 years ago. We didn't really have a reason, it just happened. And he was the one ex of mine that I still had feelings for. Jo knew that, and I wondered why she brought him along.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked him.

"Going out to get trashed, what are you doing here?" he asked sarcastically. Yep, he hasn't changed.

"That's not what I meant." I said, rolling my eyes.

"I took a job in LA. I ran into Jo on a site. Or I should say, she almost ran into me." he laughed.

"Hey! You guys were in the road, and I had some where to be." Jo spouted in defense. I laughed, only imagining what Jo had done this time.

"Its construction Jo, we're supposed to be in the road." Brian laughed. He looked at me, noticing my confusion and started to explain. "I was on a job, working on the roads, when out of no where this BMW pulls up and starts honking. Some blonde chick hanging out the window screaming at us to get out of her way, threatening to run us over. When I went to talk to the person and calm them down, it was Jo." he explained. I laughed and smacked Jos arm. That was definitely something Jo would do.

"So what the hell is up with your hair? And the piercings?" Jo asked, turning around in her seat. Her question catching me off guard. I knew Jo would understand my reasoning, but I wasn't sure Sully would. And I didn't feel like even mentioning Criss when Sully was around. Sully was very silent as he drove, which made me even more nervous about the reason. I wondered if Criss had told him about everything. But I knew sully, and he was the type to say what was on his mind, it had to be something else.

"Just something I felt like doing, kinda needed a change." I shrugged.

"I liked it." Jo said picking up my hair, she examined it before letting it fall back into its place.

"So whats up with you and Jared Leto?" Sully snapped. There it was. That's what was bothering him, and he couldn't hold it back any longer. Jo turned and smacked Sullys arm, giving him an evil glare.

"Nothing, were just friends. I'm kind of on, vacation I guess." I explained. I didn't want to go into detail, certainly not with Sully. But I wasn't lying. Jared and I were strictly friends, for the moment. I watched Sullys eyes through the mirror, he didn't buy it.

"So you're single then?" Jo asked, her eyes floating between Brian and I, with a grin on her face.

"Yes, and I'm not currently looking either." I gave Jo a 'shut the hell up' glare, motioning to Sully, before I gave Brian an apologetic look. He shrugged and smiled, glancing at Jo. I knew that look, that was the 'shes crazy' look. I chuckled silently and stared out the window.

"We're here." Jo announced and slapped her hands together. "You ready for this?" she turned and grinned at me.

"Its been too long Lana! Aren't you glad I called?" She said and wrapped me into a hug when we had gotten out of the car.

"Wait a minute, how did you know I was in LA?" I hadn't thought of that until now. She shrugged.

"Saw a picture of you and Jared on facebook." she said as if it was no big deal. But it was, if Jo saw it, that meant Sully saw it, and if Sully saw it, Criss had to have seen it. "Now come on, enough talk, more drink." She laughed and pulled me into the club.

Dubstep filled my ears the moment the doors opened, making me instantly want to start dancing, but I needed a couple of drinks in me first. I had never been to this kind of club before, and honestly, I was feeling a little nervous.

The four of us made our way to the bar first. We ordered four shots each, clanking the glasses together before we threw them back. Sully and Jo were whispering something I couldn't hear, it didn't look like a pleasant conversation either. Both of them stealing glances my way. Why did I have the feeling that they were up to something. I looked over to Brian, who was texting on his phone. Were they trying to hook me up with Brian? No, Jo knew better than that. What were they up to?

After standing at the bar, our four shots gone, and another drink in my hand, Brian leaned over to me.

"Wanna dance?" he whispered into my ear, sending chills down my spine and to places where they didn't belong. It had been so long since I had seen him that I forgot the effect he had on me. I nodded slightly, picking up my glass before taking his hand and letting him lead me to the dance floor. I was thankful for the type of club we were in. It seemed unlikely that they were going to play slow music. Slow dancing with Brian might have sent me into a downward spiral.

"You look incredibly sexy by the way. And I love the new look." he whispered to me. I had also forgotten how smooth he was. Now I remembered why Id fallen for him in the first place.

We quickly sank back into our old ways. Grinding against each other as the music boomed in our ears. I took sips of my drink every now and then and tried not to spill it as my body moved with his. It wasn't long before Jo and Sully were next to us. At that moment I decided that no matter what, I was going to have a good time and forget all of my problems, for one night.

* * *

**CPOV**

I didn't feel like being out in public at all. Mary dragged me behind her, holding onto my hand as we made our way through the crowd. The music was loud, the lights were flashing, and I hadn't had enough to drink for this kind of night, only getting in two mini bottles of jack before our plane landed. We settled down at an empty table to wait for the rest of the party. As much as I didn't want to be in LA, I knew I couldn't lock myself up in my house all the time. I ordered some drinks for Mary and I and sat back, taking in the scene in front of me. I searched the crowd, looking for a familiar face, when my eyes stopped on her. Lana.


	28. Apologize

**Apologize  
**

* * *

_I'd take another chance,_  
_ Take a fall, take a shot for you,_  
_ I need you like a heart needs a beat,_  
_ But it's nothin' new, yeah!_  
_ I loved you with a fire red,_  
_ Now it's turnin' blue,_  
_ And you say,_  
_ Sorry, like an angel_,  
_ Heaven let me think was you,_  
_ But I'm afraid,_  
_ It's too late to apologize._

_One Republic - Apologize  
_

* * *

**CPOV**

Lana was out on the dance floor, dancing with a guy I didn't know. Jo stood next to them, Sully was wrapped around Jos waist as the four of them danced. If I hadn't fallen so deeply in love with the girl, memorized everything about her, the curves of her body and the way she moved when she danced, I would have never recognized her.

I sat there staring at her. She didn't see me. I looked her up and down, taking in the girl that was in front of me, out on the dance floor, grinding against another man. What had Leto done to her? She wasn't my Lana anymore. The girl in front of me was Letos Lana now. Her hair no longer the red and blonde highlighted brown that I fell in love with. Now it was a pitch black, with blue and pink highlights, cut short and spiked in different directions. Her nose piercing wasn't the only jewelry she had, now she had a lip and eyebrow ring and her ears had been gauged out slightly, showing off the round black earrings. Her bright pink skirt was extremely short, and her pink sparkly top could pass as a bra. Her fuzzy hott pink leg warmers matched her outfit, even her belly button ring was pink. Her eye liner was thick and black, making it hard to see her eyes. Her eyeshadow matching the pink ensemble. In this club that outfit passed as normal. But no way shape or form was it an outfit you would ever see my Lana wear.

But I had to admit, she looked fucking sexy. As much as I didn't want Lana in public dressed like that, I was secretly happy that I got to see her in that outfit. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment, trying my damnedest not to get a hard on. But with Lana standing so close with such a sexy outfit on, it was hard to stop it from growing.

"Criss." Mary said and motioned to the waitress who had brought our drinks. I shook myself out of my daze and handed the waitress some money. She took it and quickly moved onto the next table.

"You okay?" Mary asked. I cleared my throat and ripped my eyes away from the girl I wished was sitting next to me.

"Yea I'm good. Just looking for the birthday boy." I lied. Mary was the jealous type, especially over me. Which was one main reason why we had split up in the first place. The last thing I wanted was Mary to notice Lana was here. What was she doing here anyway? Seeing that she was with Jo and Sully made it obvious who she was with for the night. But why did Jo bring her along? Jo must have known Id be here too. And who was the chump that was all over Lanas ass? Definitely not part of the Leto gang. This one was too backstreet boy to be one of them. What the hell was she doing here? I knew she was staying with Leto in LA, but this was honestly the last place I expected to see her at.

I sat and watched them, Lana never taking notice that I was there. My body went rigid every time his hand slid across her ass. And my blood boiled whenever I noticed his arm slink around her waist to pull her closer into him. That was my ass and my waist! His hands had no right to be near her, let alone to touch her like that. Lanas skirt, or rather tutu, was too short, her matching undies didn't even cover her ass, her cheeks were in plain sight. It wouldn't be hard for that asshole to slip himself right inside of her. In fact, with how close they were, I was surprised he hadn't tried it already. That thought didn't help my anger at all.

They went to the bar a couple of times to refill their drinks, and then made their way back to the dance floor so he could grope on her some more. I cringed every time I watched his hand slide to the front of her thigh, and I had to stop myself from jumping out of my seat, a few times.

I slammed back drink after drink while I watched them. Not only did I want to break every bone in that pricks body for touching her, but I had the urge to snatch her up and cover her too exposed body. Hide her away from prying eyes. Eyes that I knew were glued to parts of her body that only I should be allowed to look at. I had never seen Lana wear so little in public. She was usually self conscious of the way she looked. What the fuck had Leto done to her? Never in a million years would I have expected her to step foot outside of her house in an outfit like that. Yet, there she was, not caring who looked, or who touched.

I watched them for at least a half an hour before I couldn't take it anymore. I made an excuse to Mary so I could get to the bathroom. I needed to get them out of my sight before I did something stupid. I slammed my fist into the bathroom door as it opened, scaring the shit out of a guy who stood against the urinal. He quickly finished his business and ran out the door, probably scared he was about to get his ass beat. But he wasn't the one I was after. That blond prick outside that had his paws all over my girl! _He_ was the one I was going to kill.

I splashed some water onto my face, hoping it would calm me down. Leaning against the sink, I took deep breaths until I was clear headed again. I didn't know how long it took me before I could leave the bathroom, but it seemed like an eternity. Mary was probably going to come looking for me soon. I wasn't going to let this ruin Marys night. After everything I had put her through lately, I owed her at least that. I wasn't completely heartless. I had decided to put Lana out of my head. To completely forget she was even there and focus on making sure Mary had a good time.

But that plan had quickly vanished when I walked out of the bathroom. The blond prick was pressed so tightly against Lanas ass that he might as well have been fucking her right there on the dance floor. I couldn't take it anymore!

* * *

**LPOV**

I leaned back against Brian and swayed my hips to the music. Closing my eyes and letting it consume me. My drink splashed around in the glass reminding me to take a sip. I felt great. The alcohol was just the right amount to make me forget who I was, but not enough to make me remember how much I hated toilets. I fit against Brian perfectly. His hands were placed on my hips, keeping me from falling over as he moved with me. I couldn't help but feel a little turned on. He was grinding in just the right spot, at just the right time, letting me feel just the right things. I leaned my head back against him, letting him kiss my neck as we danced a little too slowly for the music. His lips found their way to mine, but then all too quickly his lips were gone.

"Get your fucking hands off of her." Someone shouted loudly behind me and ripped Brian away from me. I stumbled backwards, landing on my ass.

"What the fuck is your problem asshole?" I yelled, looking up to see whos ass I was about to kick. "Criss?" I asked as I realized who was towering over me in a defensive stance.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted. Jo grabbed my arm and helped me to my feet. Criss glared at Brian with the look of death.

"Criss, its okay man, calm down." Sully told him and stepped in between Criss and Brian. Criss wrapped his hand around my arm and yanked me backwards, forcing me to stand behind him. What the hell was he doing here? And why the fuck did he care who I was dancing with?

"Keep your fucking hands off my fiancee." he warned Brian before dragging me away to the back of the club. He was in a hurry to get me out of sight, almost as if he didn't want to be seen. How the hell did he find me? I made sure to turn my GPS off on my phone this time. My eyes started to swell with tears. Not the water works again! Id had more than my fair share of crying lately. And I was done with the crying! If he didn't have such a tight grip on my arm, I would've turned and ran away from his oncoming rampage, I was all too aware of what was coming next. He kept hold of my arm, dragging me further away.

"We're leaving! _Now_!" He yelled. I flung his arm away from mine, forcing him to stop walking.

"I'm not going anywhere with you! We aren't together anymore! Remember? And I haven't finished my drink." I laughed, giving him a smile as I pressed the glass to my lips. Criss looked at the drink, snatched it from me before the liquid even touched my lips, and chugged it in one gulp. He pulled the now empty glass away and eyeballed it, then looked at me with a sarcastic grin on his face. He slammed it down onto the bar and glared at me.

"Now its gone. Lets go!" I had never seen him this angry before. I stood there stubbornly. He stepped closer to me so he could whisper to me. "You really want to make a scene? Cause right now, I have no problem dragging you out of this club! Now lets fucking go!" He gripped my arm again and practically dragged me. I yanked out of his grip before we made it to the door.

"Lana." he warned. "Don't push me." I stood there staring at him.

"Since when the fuck do you care? Wheres your new girlfriend?" I spat. He winced at my words. "I think you've made it _very_ clear to me, and the _whole world_, that you and I are over. Now stay the fuck out of my business!" I shouted at him before turning to head back to the dance floor. I was drunk, and my temper was at its peek, and at that moment, I knew that Criss confronting me was not going to turn out well, for anyone. His hand snaked around my wrist and he yanked me back to face him.

"You know damn well what I'll do to him if you go back there." he threatened. His stare full of ice.

"You wouldn't dare!" I narrowed my eyes at him, calling his bluff.

"Try me." he stared me down with the most evil glare Id ever seen. We both stood there, staring, neither of us ready to back down.

"Fuck you! You're fucking crazy!" I snapped and turned to walk away again. I could see Jo and Brian standing across the room, watching us, neither of them dared to intervene. And from the look on Criss' face, I didn't blame them. My feet suddenly flipped out from underneath me and I was tossed over Criss' shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I screamed and kicked and punched, but no one gave us more than a second glance. He carried me to the back exit, finally setting me down when we were alone outside in the back alley.

"What the fuck are you doing Lana?" he said calmly. I watched his knuckles turn white as he flexed his fingers and curled them into fists.

"Do you really fucking care?" I spat at him. I stumbled slightly as my anger flared. My stilettos mixed with alcohol was not a good idea, specially when I was angry. Criss flung his arms out and caught me before I fell. He steadied me, making sure I could stand before he backed away and leaned against the wall across from me.

"What are you doing here?" Criss glared at me.

"Getting drunk off my ass, what does it look like?" I spat sarcastically. He huffed a laugh and shook his head.

"That's not what I meant. Why are you in LA?" I raised my chin into the air.

"Why are you?" I cocked back at him.

"I asked you first." he said smoothly, still glaring at me. I hesitated for a moment, not sure I wanted to tell him the truth. He was going to be pissed. Fuck it! Why the hell not? He obviously doesn't give a shit about me anymore.

"I'm staying with Jared." I told him with confidence. He pushed from the wall and came inches from my face. Big mistake, he was even angrier now than he was when he saw me dancing with Brian. I stood my ground and didn't let him see how intimidating he was.

"What the fuck are you doing with _him_?" he gritted his teeth. "Didn't take you long to jump into his bed, did it?" he snapped. "So are you fucking him again? Is he everything you'd hoped he'd be?"

"Oh you're the one to fucking talk!" I snapped back, stepping closer to him until our noses almost touched. "there's nothing going on romantically between Jared and I, but you! ohhohoho," I laughed getting closer to his face. "you and your little slut have been all over the media."

"Nothing going on my ass!" he snapped, ignoring the subject of is new girlfriend. "Why else would you run to him the minute we broke up? I know you've wanted him all along!" He started walking towards me, making me walk backwards with him. "Since the first time you met him! I could see it! It was written all over both of your faces! You two wanted to fuck the shit out of each other, and you did! Even did it while you and I were supposed to be a couple!" he now had me pinned between him and the brick wall of the club. His boots flush with my shoes, his nose a centimeter away from mine.

"You are so insecure its not even funny!" I spat. "And you wanna talk betrayal? It didn't take you long to run back to your little blonde bimbo did it? Did I mean that much to you? That two weeks after we break up, you run off and get yourself a plastic barbie doll to play with! You know what? I'm glad things worked out this way! It showed me what I really meant to you! I hope your girlfriend is aware of your inability to stay happy in a relationship." I snapped. He backed up away from me and leaned against the wall again.

"Shes not my girlfriend." he looked down at the ground. I couldn't believe him! He was seriously lying to me about her, when I was telling the truth about Jared.

"That is the biggest fucking lie you've ever told me! Apart from you loving me.. so I guess the second biggest lie!" He snapped his head upward and glared at me. "Oh I'm not stupid Criss! Just because you and I don't talk, doesn't mean I don't know whats going on, people inform me of things. I know shes been living with you! And I know you've been fucking her too!" He leaned his head back against the wall and stared up at the sky.

"Congratu-fucking-lations Criss! You win! I get it. It was all a big lie. Everything about us was a lie, and everything you told me was a lie! What I don't understand, is why you give a rats fucking ass what I'm doing here, why you care that I'm staying with Jared, or why I'm dancing with Brian. You gave up the right to know when you fucked that bimbo instead of trying to work things out with me." I hissed. He flung himself towards me and had me pinned against the wall again within seconds. His face was beat red, his nostrils flared and he was breathing loudly.

"Not one time did I lie to you! I loved you!" he hissed through his teeth. "I still love you, and I will always love you! I've missed you Lana." I didn't have time to react before his lips came crashing down on top of mine. I pushed against his chest but he wouldn't budge. I could feel my self control collapsing, I needed to get him off of me before it was too late. He forced my lips apart with his tongue before he plunged it deep into my mouth. I felt myself starting to kiss him back. He moaned when he felt my tongue brush against his.

He lifted slightly to catch his breath and I took advantage of it, sliding down the wall I slipped out from underneath him and turned to face him, trying to catch my breath. He stood with his hands against the wall, and rested his forehead against the brick and sighed.

"I'm sorry Lana." he whispered. "I'm so sorry." I closed my eyes and flexed my jaw.

"Its too late to apologize Criss. Its over. We're over." My voice cracked as I finished my sentence. I needed to get away from him, now! I ran to the door and flung it open.

"Where are you going? What? To him? You'll be a groupie for that cock sucker?" Criss spat with pure anger, making me stop in my tracks.

"I already am." I shot back, regardless of the fact that Jared and I hadn't slept together. But Criss didn't know that. I knew it wasn't a good idea to antagonize him, but it felt great to watch his face as my words stung him.

Suddenly my arm was yanked from behind me, my hand lost its grip on the door, making the door slam shut. Criss slammed me up against the wall and was in my face within seconds.

"You are _not_ going back to him!" he yelled. I flinched. Holy shit! He was angry. But what right did he have to be angry? He knew nothing about mine and Jareds relationship, or the fact that we didn't have a relationship, just friendship. And he was the one with the new girlfriend. I should be saying this shit to him, not the other way around. I pushed against his chest with everything I had, making him take a couple steps back. I shoved against him again and screamed with frustration.

"Criss! You are one mother fucker! You know that? You have no fucking right to tell me what I can and cant do, or who I can and cant sleep with! You know why? Because you are one hypocritical mother fucker who is pointing the finger at me when you're the one with some trashy bitch in your bed, two weeks after we split! Did you hear me? _Two fucking weeks Criss_!" I took a deep breath. Criss stood there with his jaw wide open. Clearly not expecting my out burst.

"What has happened to you Lana?" he asked almost in a whisper. "I don't know who you are anymore."

"No, you don't, its called coping, and that's what I did." I spat at him.

"Really?" he chuckled. I shrugged and smiled at him. He was not happy. Obviously not very happy with the fact that the girl he use to know was gone. I had changed everything about myself that reminded me of him, and he didn't like that. But I did. "Hows this for coping?" he gritted his teeth and backed me up against the wall again, slamming his mouth down onto mine. This time I couldn't fight back.

Within seconds he had my legs wrapped around his waist, trapping me between him and the wall, there was no turning back. I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck and gripping fists full of his hair. He moaned into my mouth and kissed me harder. He released my mouth, turning his attention to my neck, biting me a couple of times before his mouth covered mine again. He was frantic. I couldn't blame him, it seemed like an eternity since we had been together like this, and I'm sure he was afraid I was going to run away at any second. But he didn't realize that I was just as desperate to have him as he was for me.

His belt buckle clanked as he unzipped his pants. My heart fluttered at the sound. I knew this was bad. Very bad! What the hell were we doing? This wasn't going to change anything. In fact, it was going to make things worse. But the alcohol in my body wouldn't let me protest.


	29. Running away

**Running away**

* * *

_Cause I did enough to show you that I,_

_Was willing to give and sacrifice,_

_And I was the one who was lifting you up,_

_When you thought your life had had enough,_

_And when I get close, you turn away,_

_There's nothing that I can do or say,_

_So now I need you, to tell me the truth,_

_You know Id do that for you,_

_So why are you running away?_

_Hoobastank – Running away._

* * *

I jumped when Criss' hand slipped between us, moving my undies to the side. He fingers were freezing, making my nerves that much more sensitive. He was still angry, and I felt it when he slammed himself inside of me with no warning, making the bricks behind me scrape my back. He placed his hands under me and gripped onto each ass cheek. He leaned backwards slightly, letting the wall support me, giving himself more room to fuck me harder. He slammed into me harder and harder with each thrust. The scraping against my back making me want it harder, angrier. And that's what this was, angry sex.

Every time he slammed into me, I felt him bottom out, hitting something he wasn't supposed to and sending a jolt of pain into my stomach. I didn't care. I tried to angle myself so he could go deeper. He bit down onto my neck hard and grunted loudly each time he jammed himself into me. I bit down on my lip, trying to hold back the screams that wanted to escape. Every time he slammed into me I wanted to cry out in pain. But I couldn't bring myself to scream, the pain felt so good. The loud music from inside the club wouldn't allow anyone to hear me if I screamed. But I wouldn't let myself do it. I wanted to feel Criss inside of me, the pain only increased my pleasure, which was increasing with each thrust.

Criss pushed me higher up the wall and slammed into me, hitting just the right spot and sending both of us over the edge. I couldn't hold back my screams any longer as he continued to pound through his orgasm, making mine last longer than I had ever had before and making it a thousand times better than I could ever imagine. He slapped his hand across my mouth, muffling my screams. Damn public places! They made it so much harder to enjoy my orgasms. He grunted a few more times as he finished emptying himself into me, then he slummed down over my shoulder, placing his forehead against the brick wall. We sat there for a few minutes, neither of us moving, just trying to catch our breath. His hands still cupped my butt, holding me into place.

Finally he pulled back and released me. I adjusted my undies and skirt the minute my feet hit the floor. I could feel his cum already trying to make its way down my leg, which was never a pleasant feeling. I was going to need the bathroom as soon as we got back inside. But first, I needed to figure out what the fuck just happened, and where we stood.

"So, um, what now?" I asked in a quiet voice. Criss rolled away from me and leaned his back against the wall, making sure his pants were back in place and looked up at me.

"I don't know." he said and looked down at the ground. He didn't know? What the fuck? He fought so hard to get me back, and now that he had his chance, his answer was 'I don't know'?

"What do you mean you don't know?" I snapped, my anger already making its way to the surface again.

"How can I trust you again Lana? You've already run out on me, twice, both times running straight to _Leto_." I cringed at his words. I hated it when he called him _Leto_, but he refused to call him by his first name.

"For one thing, _Sarantakos_, I didn't run out on you! The first time you left me, and the second time, you kicked me out! Remember?" Our moment was gone, and now we were right back at the beginning. "And secondly, I didn't run to Jared! He came to me, both times! And you know what? We are just friends, have never been anything more than that!" I spat at him.

"Then why the fuck were you pregnant with _his_ baby?" he shouted, his calmness breaking. I took a step away from him, shocked. How did he know about that? I hung my head and sighed. I was going to kill Costa for telling him.

"You know about that?" I asked, feeling ashamed. He pushed himself from the wall, ran his hands through his hair and nodded. I blew out a loud breath. "I told you Criss. That night," He held up his hand, telling me to stop talking. I snapped my mouth shut and leaned silently against the wall, watching him pace back and forth.

"This was a mistake." he said more to himself than me.

"How can you say that?" I asked him, feeling a little hurt, and used.

"Because Lana," he snapped his head to look at me, "this doesn't change anything. It doesn't change our history, it doesn't change our feelings, it doesn't change our problems, and it certainly doesn't change the fact that you'd rather be Letos slut than my wife."

Before I even knew what I was doing I launched myself from the wall. My fist cracked loudly as it made contact with Criss' jaw. Instantly I regretted it. Not because he didn't deserve it, but because my knuckles started to throb in pain. I clutched my hand against my chest, not letting Criss have the satisfaction of knowing how much that hurt. I wanted to watch the surprise on his face as he realized what just happened.

"Fuck!" Criss yelled and stumbled backwards, catching himself against the wall. He held his jaw with his hand and stared at me, shock written all over his face. He pulled his hand away, wincing when he touched the fresh cut with his finger. He licked his lip and stood there silently.

"So you used me for a piece of ass? What? Your girlfriend cant fuck you the way I do?" I spat at him. He gaped at me with nothing to say. "Well fuck you Criss! This is the last time. The last _fucking_ time you will ever get the satisfaction of my pleasure." I turned on my heels and flung the back door entrance open. "Now who's the cheating asshole?" I tossed at him over my shoulder before letting the door slam behind me. Priceless. Criss was speechless. And I wanted the last sight I ever had of him to be exactly that. A scared little boy clutching his bleeding lip that I had given to him. I wasn't going to tell his girlfriend what we had just done. I was going to let it eat away at him, until he couldn't take it anymore. I was going to make sure he lived a life of hell for what he had just done to me.

I headed to the bathroom to clean myself up before I made my way back to our table. Jo, Sully and Brian all sat silently, obviously waiting for me to come back. They all looked lost, like they had no idea what to do. I cleared my throat to announce I was back. They turned to stare at me.

"Oh my god! Lana! Are you okay?" Jo asked, jumping off the chair and pulling my hand into hers. I grinned to myself and nodded.

"I'm perfect." I beamed. Sully rolled his eyes.

"What did you do to him?" he asked. Sully always had a way of knowing when Criss and I had a fight, but even more so, he could always tell when our fights had gone a little too far. Just then Criss walked back into the club, still clutching his jaw. I snicked to myself and wondered what excuse he was going to give his poor little girlfriend. The three of them looked back at Criss.

"Fuck," Sully rolled his eyes and sighed. "you punched him?" he asked and shook his head. "Why am I not surprised?" he mumbled to himself before taking a drink. I shrugged.

"He deserved it. Its a long story. And no, I don't want to talk about. I'm calling Jared, and I'm going home." I told them. Thanks to Criss' little stunt, all trace of alcohol I had, was now gone but I still didn't feel comfortable taking a cab home alone, and I wasn't about to ruin the night for everyone else. I turned to Brian.

"I'm sorry Brian. I'm sure Jo filled you in by now, but that's my ex, my, most recent ex." I explained to him, hoping he would understand what just happened, and that he wouldn't hold it against me. Brian laughed.

"Just remind me not to piss you off." he chuckled and nudged his chin towards my hand, which had ice from the drinks on top of it.

"Yea, sometimes my temper gets the best of me." I laughed along with him. I gave the three of them each a hug before making my way out to the front, pulling out my phone and dialing Jared. I tucked myself into a dark corner to keep myself hidden, in case Criss decided to come looking for me again.

Jared was asleep, so Shannon was on his way to get me. When he pulled up and I got into the passenger seat, he could tell something was wrong. I gave him the short version of what happened, not including the crazy sex. He didn't have much to say, just nodded or shook his head every now and then. And of coursing he laughed when I told him I punched Criss in the face.

When we got home it was past 2 in the morning. After everything that I had been through tonight, the only person I wanted to see was Jared. But I didn't have the heart to wake him. After I had taken a shower, washing every last trace of Criss off of me, and gotten my pajamas on, I crawled into bed with Jared. His eyes fluttered open shortly after I had gotten settled.

"Lana?" He asked, his eyes only half open. "What are you doing? Whats wrong?" he rubbed his eyes trying to make them focus. "Is everything okay?" his concern bleeding through his voice. I bit my lip and shook my head no. He didn't ask anything else, just wrapped me into his arms. I nuzzled my face against his chest and listened to his heart beat as we both fell asleep.

* * *

"You did _what_?" Jared yelled. I was thankful that Shannon and Tomo weren't here. I'm sure they would have taken Jareds side and I would have been a mental case trying to defend myself, not that I deserved any defense. He started to pace the floor, running his hands through his hair. My phone started to ring loudly, making both of us jump.

"If he calls one more fucking time, I'm breaking that god damn phone!" he stopped pacing and pointed to my phone. Criss had been calling me every 10 minutes for the past 4 hours and since I had just told Jared about what happened last night, e_verything_ that happened, he was no longer amused with the fact that Criss was stalking me. I knew better than to call Jareds bluff, so I held down the power button and shut the phone off. Unlike Criss, Jared would break my phone. Criss would have threatened and then stormed off when I didn't listen to him. But I had been around Jared long enough to know, that when he was pissed and he threatened, by god you better listen, unless I wanted to watch my phone learn how to fly.

"Why would you do that Lana? Errr!" He yelled and began pacing back and forth again.

"I'm sorry Jared, it just, kind of, happened." I tried to explain. Who was I kidding? There was no way to explain it. Jared chuckled sarcastically.

"There is no such thing as 'just happened' Lana! Look at us." he spat. "I thought we had something! I thought we were trying to move past Criss and see where we could go." he sounded hurt, and I didn't blame him. I knew Jared had his hopes up, no matter how many times he told me he was okay with being just friends. I knew he wanted to be with me. And I knew it was a bad idea to lead him on by coming to LA with him. I hated myself for last night. All last night had done was hurt everyone involved, and even some who weren't involved.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked in a small voice. He stopped pacing and stared at me for a minute.

"No. I'm not Criss. I'm not gonna throw you out every time something doesn't go my way."

"Thank you," I began. Jared held up a finger cutting me off.

"Just because I'm not throwing you out doesn't mean you didn't royally fuck up and that I'm not royally fucking pissed at you." One thing about Jared, fuck was his favorite word, especially when he was mad. I hung my head and stared at the floor. "Fuck!" he yelled before leaving my bedroom and slamming the door behind him. I took a deep breath and flung myself back onto the bed. I just needed to give him a couple of hours to cool off. I listened as the sound of glass shattering and Jared yelling came from the living room. Okay, maybe a couple days.


	30. Hurricane

**Hurricane**

* * *

_Remember how we were, we really were_  
_Before this disaster came and tore us apart_?  
_It was the two of us, that was enough_  
_The two of us, so in love_.  
_Till the wind of lies,_  
_The rain of cries and lightning strikes_,  
_And now we're standing in the eye of the storm,_  
_And everything is gone, nothing remains._

_Theory of a dead man - Hurricane_

* * *

**CPOV**

I stood against the brick wall clutching my jaw and stared at Lana. Did she just fucking punch me? I pulled my hand away from my face, feeling the sting as my finger grazed across the cut. I licked my lip and I could taste the blood. She fucking punched me! I knew Lana could be vicious, but never in my life did I think she would punch _me_!

She was pissed. Actually, pissed didn't even begin to cover it. Why the hell did I just say that? I didn't mean it, it slipped out before I could stop myself. I had no idea what I was thinking, let alone what was coming out of my mouth. I was so confused and felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. I guess having the best make up sex of your life while you were pissed, jealous, and heart broken all at the same time, scrambled your brain, making it impossible to say or do anything right. And making it more likely to say the complete wrong thing, forcing someone to punch you in the face. Lesson learned.

I was pissed at Lana for everything that she had done. For the lying, the baby, for Leto, for this new guy who I wanted to kill, and for the fact that she made me want her so badly. After everything that had happened, all I wanted was to be with her. And I hated her for that. But I loved her at the same time. I wanted her, but she didn't want me. She wanted Leto, and that pissed me off more than anything.

"So you used me for a piece of ass? What? Your girlfriend cant fuck you the way I do?" she hissed at me. I tried my hardest not to show how much that hurt. She was never just a piece of ass to me, nor would she ever be. All I could do was stand there and stare at her. I couldn't even speak. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, more than anyone, that she meant everything to me. That I wished I could take back every harsh thing Id ever said to her and every heartache Id caused her. I wanted to tell her that I forgave her, that I would do anything if she would forgive me and take me back. I wanted to tell her I was nothing without her, complete shit, that I felt empty inside, soulless and that my life crumbled the minute she walked out my door. But not one single word managed to come out.

"Well fuck you Criss! This is the last time. The last _fucking_ time you will ever get the satisfaction of my pleasure." she yelled before she turned around. I was starting to panic, but yet again, my words failed me. I wanted so badly to reach out to her, to pull her back, sweep her into my arms and take her home. But I was pretty sure every chance I had of that happening, had just vanished. Our happy ever after seemed to be farther away every time we saw each other. I opened my mouth but nothing would come out. I could feel the sting of my cut as my jaw flexed. I placed my hand on the cut.

She yanked open the club door and paused, looking at me over her shoulder. "Now who's the cheating asshole?" she called back to me. My stomach lurched and my heart sank. That one hit the spot. The door slammed shut and I was now alone in the alley. I slid down the wall and put my face in my hands.

What the fuck did I just do? I was an idiot. And today I was the biggest idiot on the planet. What the hell did I think was going to happen? First I drag her away from her date in a jealous rage, as if she was mine to proclaim, then I accuse her of lying, fucked her in an alley and then called her a slut. What.. the fuck.. was wrong with me? I closed my eyes and sighed. I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. When Lana and I were together and happy.

I pushed myself up from the ground. I was going to have to go back in there sooner or later. Then I remembered, Mary. What the fuck was I going to do about that? I'm sure by now she noticed I was missing. I had no idea how long ago it was that I told her I was going to the bathroom. But I'm sure it was a lot longer than she would expect me to be in the bathroom.

I made my way back into the club, my eyes instantly falling on Lana. She stood next to Jo, Sully and that blond asshole. I rubbed my jaw, hoping it would stop hurting before I had to face Mary. They all looked back at me. Jos eyes full of hate, Sully looked sympathetic, and the blond asshole just looked confused. Lana on the other hand, didn't give me more than a glance, a simple look in my direction, as if seeing who walked through the door, before her eyes shifted to the table. This was killing me! After everything I had said and done only a few minutes ago, I couldn't blame her for hating me, but damn it, now she wouldn't even look at me.

I turned to head to the bathroom before I got stupid enough to approach her again. She would do more than hit me in the jaw this time, and frankly I was a little scared as to what she would have done to me. Thankfully the bathroom was empty when I walked in. I went to the sink to inspect my battle wound. It was already looking swollen and there was a nice red gash running down the left side of my lip.

I sighed and fell against the bathroom wall. I placed my hands in my pockets and leaned my head back. I tried to clear my mind before I left the bathroom. That was when my fingers felt something familiar. I pulled out Lanas footprint necklace. I completely forgot I had it, usually carrying it with me where ever I went. It some how made me feel a little better about the situation I was in. But not tonight. As I stared at it, the hopeful feeling I usually got when I held it was completely gone. Not a trace of hope was left.

I had to give it back. I knew how much it meant to Lana. And I'm sure she wasn't happy with the fact that I hadn't tried to return it yet. But tonight was not the night. I was going to have to mail it to her, like she did her engagement ring. Even for giving her necklace back, approaching her again was not a smart idea what so ever.

I placed the necklace back into my pocket and left the bathroom while I still had the courage. By the time Lanas table was in view Lana was gone. Jo and Sully were all that was left. Where did the blond go? I searched the dance floor but never caught sight of Lana or the blond. Did he leave with Lana? I cringed at the thought of Lana in bed with that asshole, him on top of her, fucking her while she screamed his name. I quickly erased that thought before I got angry again. Lana wasn't like that.

A wave of guilt hit me when I realized what I had done. I fucked her, in an alley, like a whore, and then tossed her to the side, all thanks to my anger. I was a dick. A big selfish dickhead. I made a gutsy decision and walked over to Jo.

"What the fuck do you want asshole?" Jo spat as I stopped to stand in front of their table. Sully gave her a mean glare.

"Knock it off Jo." he warned her in a firm voice. I didn't know why he even tried, we all knew there was no way Jo would do what he told her.

"What? I ain't walking on egg shells because he's your best friend. He hurt _my_ best friend! Hes lucky I wasn't the one who knocked his ass out." she snapped at him before turning to me again. "Ill ask you again, what the fuck do you want?" she asked impatiently, hinting to me to leave.

"Jo!" Sully shouted. I smiled at Sully.

"Its alright Sul, I deserve it." I admitted.

"You're god damn right you do!" Jo mumbled before taking a sip of her drink. I shook my head in amusement. There was nothing funny about the situation, but Jo was one hot headed woman who was always snapping about the smallest things. Sully rolled his eyes, trying to ignore her.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the necklace, then placed it on the table in front of Jo. She looked down at it in confusion.

"Can you please see that Lana gets this back?" I asked her. She picked up the necklace and dangled it from her finger. Then she looked up at me, now fully understanding. She nodded.

"Yea." she told me without looking back up at me. She placed it in her purse and turned her attention to her drink, trying to act as if I wasn't there.

"You gonna be alright Criss?" Sully asked. He looked concerned.

"Maybe someday." I sighed.

"Criss?" I heard behind me. I turned to see Mary walking towards us. She looked frantic.

"Great, here comes bimbo Barbie." Jo mumbled. "Ow!" she shouted, jumping slightly and turning to glare at Sully, who had a grin on his face.

"Shut up." Sully said to her between his gritted teeth and fake smile. "Ow!" he yelled.

"Don't kick _me_ then!" Jo glared at him. I laughed slightly. Those two were so amusing sometimes. Yet another thing I missed. The many double dates we had gone on with Jo and Sully. Those two kept us laughing all night, the way the acted towards each other, it was so comical.

"Criss where have you been? Ive been looking all over for you! I was so worried!" Mary said to me, grabbing my hand and looking up at me.

"Sorry Mary, I ran into some friends and got a little side tracked." I explained to her. It wasn't completely a lie. I did run into some friends, and Lana. And I did get side tracked, with Lana, but she didn't need to know the details.

"Oh my god! Crissy! What happened to your face?" she asked, noticing my busted lip.

"Crissy?" Jo snorted under her breath. "Ow!" she yelled, glaring at Sully.

"I, uh, I ran into a wall." I lied. At the moment, it was the best lie I could think of.

Jo snorted again as she tried to take a sip of her drink, making her spit some of it back into the cup.

"Ow!" She yelled again.

"Ow!" Sully yelled right back. I wondered how bruised their shins were going to be by the time they got home.

"Oh Crissy," Mary cooed as she inspected my lip, "running into walls? I think you've had too much to drink." she laughed, buying my lame excuse. I hated having to lie to her, but after what had happened, there was no way I could tell her the truth. Especially since it involved my ex. And even more so that I had sex with my ex in the back alley, while she ran through the club looking for me, probably worried that something bad happened to me. Ugh! I was starting to hate myself more by the minute. She leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed my lip. Jo made a gagging sound behind us, making Mary turn her attention to the two people behind me.

"And who are your friends?" Mary asked. Her attempt to be nice was really annoying.

"This is Sully, my best friend, and Jo, his girlfriend. This is my, uh, this is Mary" I introduced them, not even wanting to hear myself say out loud that Mary was my girlfriend. I just hoped Mary hadn't caught on to that. She shook Sullys hand, then held her hand out to Jo. Jo cocked an eyebrow and looked at Marys hand in disgust, then glared up at her.

"Well it was nice to meet you two." Mary said, finally giving up on shaking Jos hand and lowered her arm to her side. She turned to me. "Crissy, I think its time we head to the hotel. And then I can take care of that lip." she said, before taking my hand and tugging, trying to pry me away. I looked back at them.

"Ill see you guys later." I told them.

"Take it easy Criss." Sully said.

"Yea, cya." Jo mumbled, not taking her eyes away from her hands that wrapped around her glass.

As Mary pulled me towards the door, I suddenly felt anxious. I realized I was completely unprepared to be alone with her. After what happened with Lana, I felt nothing but guilt. As much as I wanted Mary to be Lana, I didn't want to break Marys heart. No woman deserved what I did, no matter how obnoxious they could be. And I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with Mary. So I did the only thing I knew how, pretending it didn't happen. What Mary didn't know wouldn't hurt her. But the question was, would I be able to handle it? Lanas last words rang repeatedly in my head 'Now who's the cheating asshole?'. I was.


	31. Everything you want

**Everything you want**

* * *

_I am everything you want,_

_I am everything you need,_

_I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be,_

_I says all the right things,_

_At exactly the right time,_

_But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why._

_Vertical Horizon – Everything you want_

* * *

I sat in the middle of the couch, trying to focus on the tv. Shannon lounged beside me while Jared sat on the other side of me, leaning away from me. Tomo sat in the the rocking chair across from us. I tried to hold back my laughter as I watched Jared from the corner of my eye. He was acting so childish that it was hilarious. No longer able to contain myself I busted up laughing. All three of them turned their heads to me and stared, wondering what was so funny. Shannon and Tomo being more clueless than Jared. I stifled my laughter for a moment before busting up again.

"Care to let us in on the secret?" Shannon asked with his eyebrow cocked in confusion.

Jared leaned forward, looking around me to Shannon. "Shannon, could you tell Lana to shut the fuck up? I'm trying to watch this." he asked and turned his head back to the tv, making me laugh harder. He was even doing the 'tell someone else to tell me' thing.

"Tell her yourself, shes right there." Shannon told him, oblivious to what was really going on. Jared had pretty much been giving me the silent treatment since our fight yesterday morning. It was odd to not listen to Jared ramble on about whatever was on his mind at the moment. Which only told me one thing, he was extremely pissed at me. I wondered how long he could keep it up before he gave in and had to say something to me. He didn't tell me to leave, but having him so close to me, being that pissed off, kind of made me wish he would've just sent me home.

I focused on 24, hoping Keifer Sutherland would take my attention away from Jared. But it didn't work. I watched him from the corner of my eye again. He was trying so hard not to touch me or even look in my direction. I wondered why he didn't just get up and sit somewhere else. It wasn't like they didn't have 2 other couches around the living room. His face could have been carved from stone, his lips set into a hard line. I couldn't help myself any longer. I broke out into a laughter again.

"I'm sorry, I just cant help it." I giggled. Jared stood up without saying a word, grabbed his coat, and slammed the front door. His tires squealed against the pavement a few seconds later.

"What the fuck is his problem?" Shannon turned to me. I shrugged and sat back. Well that just ruined my mood. Jared was _really_ pissed. Tomo and Shannon stared me down for a second before brushing off Jareds temper tantrum and turned back to the show. I guess they had witnessed an episode like that before.

I had no grudge against Jared for being pissed. I completely understood why. He was trying so hard to win me over, and I wasn't making it easy. I was afraid that Criss and I still had a chance of working things out. Even though I should have known better, and I honestly wanted to move on from Criss. But my heart just wouldn't let me. And I didn't want to start a relationship with Jared, only to break his heart too.

I regretted Saturday night so much. I didn't know what I was thinking. If there was one thing I had learned in my 12 years of dating, it was that sex never solved anything, in fact, sometimes it complicated things further. Which in our case, that's exactly what it did. And I hated Criss for that. What the hell was he thinking? The only logic that ran through my head was that his girlfriend wasn't enough for him. He used me to get his rocks off. And that pissed me off even more.

The way Criss was acting lately made me realize that he was turning into a monster. And I couldn't help but wonder if I was responsible for creating that monster. Our relationship had been a strange one from the beginning. I mean, who falls in love after knowing someone for a week? I thought we did. Maybe I had everything all wrong.

* * *

As Jo and I took our seats on the couch I sighed. I knew 'the talk' was coming, and I was dreading it. Jared was utterly pissed at me and refused to even speak to me. After his tantrum the tension in the house was too overwhelming, Shannon and Tomo knew it had something to do with me, so I had to get out of there. Jos was the only place I was willing to go.

"Here." Jo said, holding her fist out to me. I held out my hand and she dropped something cold. I inspected it carefully, realizing it was my footprint necklace. My jaw dropped to the floor. I looked up at her in question.

"Criss asked me to give it to you." she gave me a half hearted smile. "So whats up with you two anyways?" she asked as she curled her feet underneath her and relaxed. Sully wasn't home so it was just her and I. And I wasn't sure if I was ready to tell her everything. Jo had been my best friend for a long time, but there were things that I couldn't even tell her. She noticed my hesitation and sighed.

"Look Lana. I know there's more to you and Criss then you're telling me. And that's okay. We've been friends long enough for me to know that if there's something you cant tell me, there's a good reason behind it. But everyone is getting tired of this game you two are playing, and so am I to be honest." that was why I loved Jo so much, she was one of the few people who was never afraid to tell it like it was. I sighed heavily. Not sure of how to respond.

"I don't know what happened Saturday night, but you need to get over it!" she snapped. "Criss was heartbroken. I don't think Ive ever seen a man so tormented."

"Jo," I sighed, "Criss doesn't want me back. That's what Saturday night was about."

"Did he say that?" she questioned.

"Not in so many words." I shrugged.

"Well unless he straight up says, 'Lana, I don't want you back' then don't assume anything. Hes been talking with Sully, of course Sully thinks I cant hear their conversations. And I can tell you, he still loves you." she tried to explain.

"I never said he didn't love me, I just said he doesn't want me." I added.

"And you know that's bullshit too. Ya know, right about now I would be saying 'give it some time'. But fuck that. You two have had plenty of time, and I think now its time for you two to get over it." Wow. Jo was usually the one to threaten my exs and tell them if they came near me again shed kill them. What was up with this?

"You need to fight for what you love Lana." Jo sighed and began to pick at her fingernail.

"But what if I'm fighting for the wrong thing?" I asked her. She snapped her head up and stared at me. Yes, I was thinking of Jared. Every day I spent with him made my feelings for him grow stronger. But I couldn't deny that I was still madly in love with Criss. I was completely lost, I had no idea what the right thing was anymore, and honestly, I was beginning to think that going back home and swearing off all men was the best decision. Jo was all too aware of my love triangle, so she knew exactly what I was referring to.

"Then fight for them both." she finally said. Fight for them both? I was trying to not be the cheater, how would this benefit anyone?

"Look, I'm not saying lead them on and snap them in two when the time is right. I'm saying, try it out. See where things lead with Jared, but in the mean time, try to work on getting along with Criss again. Not necessarily get back together with him. Just make him understand how you feel and maybe he will come around. If he does, then you have a decision to make, but by then you will know where your heart truly lies."

She had a point. I loved them both, there was no denying that. But how would I know who I really wanted if I didn't know what options I had? Criss and I had done nothing but fight for the past 3 months. And Jared and I never went anywhere past friends. So as it stood right now, I honestly had no idea what type of relationship I would have with either of them. And what Jo just said made perfect sense.

* * *

I sat on my bed in my pajamas with my headphones blaring. Music always had a way of making me feel better. But when the person that was the reason for your sadness was the one who sang in your ears, it didn't make you feel better at all. I hadn't realized until then that the majority of my music on my phone was 30 seconds to mars. It made sense, since they were my favorite band. I hadn't used my phone for music in a long time, which was why I didn't know that I was only going to get more depressed when I plugged in the headphones. Listening to Jareds voice blaring into my ears brought tears to my eyes.

I laid back on the bed and closed my eyes. I couldn't believe the past 6 months of my life had turned out the way it did. Never in my life had I imagined I would meet and fall in love with Criss Angel. Or that my best friend would be Jared Leto. Or that Jared Leto was going to secretly fall in love with me, throwing me into one of the biggest love triangles of history. I didn't know that I was going to fuck everything up with the two men I loved the most, and cause both of them major heartache. But there was nothing I could do now. All I could do was hope that one day they could forgive me.

Jared came home last night at about 3 in the morning, after storming out of the living room, no one but me having any clue as to why. Shannon decided to stay when Jared wasn't home by midnight. When he finally came home, he was drunk of his ass. He woke Shannon and I both up, falling over everything possible. He was the loudest drunk I had ever met. Eventually Shannon got him into his bed and he passed out. So the fact that he had a major hangover didn't help our situation. I stayed in my room most of today, trying to avoid him. Every time he saw me he would immediately leave the room, followed by a cuss word, or something breaking.

Shannon was starting to realize there was something we weren't telling him. He hadn't asked yet, but I knew if things kept going this way, Shannon was bound to pry soon or later. It didn't help with the fact that Jared didn't drink, ever. Minus that one time with me, that no one else really knew about. Shannon kept eyeballing me last night as he tried to get his brother in bed. Jared coming home piss drunk was a major red flag to Shannon that something was going on. And I'm sure he figured out by now that it had something to do with me. Considering Jared would hardly look at me and was giving me the silent treatment. It had been three whole days now, and Jared hadn't said one word to me and it was killing me.

I had been thinking about what Jo had said. Considering if very carefully for the last 2 days. And I was finally in agreement with myself that I was going to do it. How was I going to know who I loved the most if I didn't try? The hard part was going to be getting both of them to stop being pissed at me. That was going to be a task on its own.

I opened my eyes and just about screamed when I saw Jared standing in my doorway, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed, he stared at me, his face expressionless. I threw my headphones off and sat up.

"Jared?" I asked unsure of what was going on. I just hoped he wasn't drunk again. The last thing I wanted to deal with was drunk Jared. He didn't say anything to me as he made his way to my bed and took a seat beside me. He played with a loose string on my comforter for a minute before looking up at me.

"I'm sorry Lana." he whispered.

"Oh, you're speaking to me again?" I asked sarcastically.

"Don't do that." he said softly.

"Do what?"

"Mock me." I saw a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips. Good, at least he was in a better mood and he wasn't drunk.

"I'm sorry. I know I've treated you like shit the past few days." he held up his hand before I could say anything. "Let me finish. This is one of the hardest things Ill ever have to say." He inhaled loudly. I bit my lip and sat back against the wall. I didn't say anything. I knew he had a lot to say, so I was going to let him say it, I owed him at least that. His face crumpled and he looked as if he was being torn apart.

"I love you Lana. Which is why I cant be selfish with you. I'm use to getting what I want. But you are the _one_ thing I want, that I cant have. But I love you too much to make you choose. I don't deserve you, but Criss does." He looked me in the eyes and placed his hand on my cheek. He gazed at me for a few minutes, nether of us sure what to say next. His words struck me speechless.

I couldn't believe my ears. Never in my life had I had a man who was willing to sacrifice himself, for my happiness. I wanted to slap myself! Why couldn't I see it? All this time I was fighting for love. Love that was dead between Criss and I. But all that time, love was right in front of me. And its eyes stared directly into mine. He had just said everything that I needed to hear. Why would he think he didn't deserve me and that Criss did? Criss broke my heart, and Jared was there to pick up the pieces. He put me back together, and he never once gave me a reason to doubt him.

He dropped his hand, sighed and pushed himself off the bed. I reached up and grabbed his wrist, stopping him before he could go anywhere. I yanked him down onto top of me, grabbed the back of his head and kissed him angrily.

"I love you Jared." I whispered. His face lit up and he smiled down at me. There was only one other man that ever looked at me the way Jared was at that moment.

"I love you too." He crushed his lips to mine, pushing me back onto the bed so he could hover above me. We laid on my bed for hours, holding each other as close as we could while we kissed, never taking it further than that. And for the first time since my heart was shattered two months ago, I thought I could be happy again.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews! I love to hear what everyone thinks, and I'm glad so many of you are loving this story, so keep em coming :) Thank you! :) Trying my hardest to write, write, write, and Ive been lucky these past weeks that I was able to write as much as I did. So thank you everyone and Ill be posting more real soon :)_


	32. Die without you

**Die without you**

* * *

_Is it my turn, to wish you were lying here,_

_I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping,_

_Is it my turn, to fictionize my world,_

_Or even imagine your emotions, tell myself anything._

_PM Dawn – Die without you._

* * *

**CPOV**

I relaxed against the headboard of my bed and scrolled through Lanas facebook on my laptop. My heart ached every time I came back to her profile picture. Her and Jared leaned back against a coach while Jared took a picture of them. Lanas head laid on his shoulder and they both smiled, like they were happy. She didn't look like my Lana anymore. I had a hard time believing I was looking at the same girl. And I couldn't believe that she had cut her hair. I knew how long it took her to get it as long as it was, and I also knew how much she loved her hair. I must have done a number on her.

As I scrolled through her pictures one caught my eye. Was that a tattoo? A picture of her calf with her favorite poem filled my screen. What had I done to her? Cut and dyed her hair, piercings, _tattoos_? I was beginning to think I was the worst boyfriend in the world. Had I been the cause of her drastic changes? I was going to convince myself the answer was no, it had nothing to do with me, I knew it had everything to do with me, but I wasn't sure if my heart could handle accepting the fact that I had pushed Lana to those extremes.

Her relationship status now said 'its complicated'. And I was happy that it didn't say 'in a relationship', that at least made me feel like I still had a fighting chance.

I missed Lana. As I stared at her face in her picture, all I wanted to do was call her. But I knew I couldn't. It was obvious that her and Jared were together now and as much as I missed her, I didn't have the heart to call her and complicate things further. What I needed to do was come up with a plan. A way to get her away from Jared so I could talk to her. But even if I did that, after my royal screw up last Saturday, it was going to be hard to get her to even listen to me, let alone be in the same room as me.

I listened to Mary rummage around in the bathroom. First thing on my list of to dos, figure out a way to let Mary down nicely. I knew things had gone on for too long between Mary and I. And I wasn't prepared for what I was had to do. But it needed to be done, now rather than later. Lanas words had stuck with me the past week and by now I hated myself. I was a cheater. I had cheated on Mary with Lana. And all that time I accused Lana of being the cheater, when I should have been pointing the finger at myself.

Yea, sure, there were a few times that I had been with women when I shouldn't have. But I had never cheated. The tabloids may have liked to make people think that I did, but not once had I been unfaithful. But what transpired between Lana and I last Saturday got me thinking. Now I _was_ the cheater.

I knew it was wrong of me to get together with Mary. I was still in love with Lana and I was pretty sure that everyone knew that, including Mary, but she never led me to believe she knew. Being angry and hurt by what happened between Lana and I was no reason to break Marys heart. And that's exactly what I was doing. Dragging her along in a relationship that had no future, a relationship that she wanted, but I didn't. I didn't love her, I loved Lana. And it wasn't fair to Mary. And it was going to be next to impossible to win Lana back if I had a girlfriend.

"Criss, do you think I should wear this?" Mary asked me, snapping me out of my thoughts. I closed the lid to my laptop and sat it on the bed next to me. She walked into the bedroom, holding up a dark red dress in front of her.

"I don't think you should wear anything." I mumbled. Mary chuckled in amusement and rolled her eyes.

"I don't think people would appreciate me showing up naked Criss." she tilted her head to the side and smiled.

"We're not going." I said and folded my arms over my chest.

"Change of plans?" Mary asked, her voice low as if she did something wrong.

"I cant do this Mary." I grumbled, keeping my eyes fixed on the bottom of the bed.

"Criss if you don't want to go to dinner why didn't you just say so?" she asked, sitting down on the bed next to me. She placed her hand on my arm. I looked down and stared at her hand. Noticing my not so pleasant glare, she pulled her hand away and placed it in her lap. "When you say, this.. you mean.." she looked down at the ground.

"I mean us, Mary. I cant do this anymore." I finally looked up at her and instantly regretted it. Her eyes glossy and her face turning red.

"Did I do something wrong?" she asked, her voice shaky. I shook my head and chewed on the side of my cheek. "Then what?" she was on the verge of tears. I chuckled at myself for what I was about to say.

"Its not you, its me." that was the truth. Regardless of how annoying Mary could be, she wasn't the reason for my decision. I guess the right words would have been, 'its not you, its Lana', but I didnt think she would react very well to that.

"Seriously Criss!" she spat and jumped to her feet. "You're seriously giving me the 'its not you its me' horse shit? What are you? 14? You couldn't come up with anything better than that?" She was angry. I didn't blame her. Of course her anger was nothing compared to what I was use to. Lana would have thrown half of my expensive shit around the bedroom right about now. And the sad part of it was, that was what I wanted. That was why I was breaking it off with Mary. I wanted Lana back, I even missed the way she got angry to the point of breaking things, or punching me. I would've given anything to have Lana again.

"Its that black haired gothic bitch isn't it?" she yelled. I snapped my eyes up to glare at her. "Oh, you didn't think I was _that_ stupid did you?" she snapped, noticing my surprise. "I know you were with her the night at the club. I was just too scared to go and find out what was going on. I know she's your ex. All you could do was stare at her the whole night. I may be blonde but I'm not fucking stupid!" I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I didn't want to hurt Mary, in fact, I was trying my hardest to keep her out of things. But what did I expect when I started dating her 2 weeks after Lana and I broke up? I guess I deserved what was coming.

I looked back to the bed, staring at the side where Lana use to sleep every night. I missed her, I missed how she use to wrap her legs around me when I crawled into bed. How she would snuggle as close as she could, and I could feel her breathing against my chest. I missed everything about her. And I was stupid to think that this blonde girl in front of me could fill the gap in my heart.

"What happened in that alley?" Mary asked. I looked back up at her. I really didn't want to tell her, that would probably crush her. She held her hand up, noticing the look on my face. "You know what? I don't want to know. I guess its better this way. You and I both know who you really want, and it sure as hell ain't me." She snatched up her dress and grabbed her keys that sat on the night stand.

"I guess this is goodbye then." she sighed and hesitated for a moment, staring down at me.

"You know Criss, I loved you. But that was a long time ago. I cant blame you for what you're doing. I know you love her," she huffed a laugh, "although why you thought we could work out is beyond me. But I would much rather you be with the one you love then settle for someone you don't. Because even after everything we've been through, I still care for you, and I still want you to be happy. And if shes the one that makes you happy, then who am I to stand in the way?" she leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. "Good luck Criss." she whispered in my ear before she turned on her heals and left. I laid back on the bed and closed my eyes.

I felt like the biggest douche in the world. After all of the shit I had just put Mary through, she still managed to leave without being angry. How did that work? I didn't deserve to have such great woman in my life. And I certainly didn't deserve Lana. But I needed her, and I was going to do everything I could to get her back. Even if it meant war.


	33. Crazy Bitch

**Crazy Bitch  
**

* * *

_Hey! You're crazy bitch,_

_But you fuck so good I'm on top of it,  
_

_When I dream, I'm doing you all night,  
_

_Scratches all down my back,  
_

_To keep me right on.  
_

_Buckcherry - Crazy Bitch  
_

* * *

"So I see you two finally kissed and made up then." Shannon laughed, taking notice of our hands linked together as we sat on the couch. Jared grinned up at him but didn't say anything. As much as I didn't want to ever let go of his hand, I had something interesting planned. I got off the couch, not without noticing the look of disappointment on Jareds face, and grabbed the white case that sat on the coffee table. It had been sitting there all day, and I was surprised no one asked me about it. I held it up turning to grin at Jared and Shannon.

"Since you and Tomo are finally here. I have something that I am forcing you guys to try." I grinned wider. This was going to be interesting to say the least.

"Whats that?" Jared asked.

"This, my boys," I laughed with an evil grin. I always referred to the three men who meant the most to me in my life, Jared, Shannon and Tomo, as my boys, and they would never admit to it, but they stood proud every time I said it.

"This, is a video game." Shannon took a step closer and Jared leaned forward, sitting on the edge of the couch. It was funny how the words 'video game' could turn a man into a boy in one second flat. They were ready for my new game challenge, as long as it wasn't guitar hero. "But this is no ordinary video game. Its no Halo, its better. This, is Just Dance 3." I winked at them, waiting for their response.

"Just Dance what?" Shannon asked confused, obviously they had never heard of it before, which didn't surprise me, it was kind of a chick game.

"Its a dance game." I told them. Jared sat back with a sour look on his face and Shannon chuckled.

"No thanks." Shannon lifted his eyebrow.

"I don't dance." Jared said in a flat tone. I smacked my hands to my side, stomped my foot and threw my head to the side, classic temper tantrum, which usually worked with them.

"Come on guys, pleeeease?" I tried my best to do my girly act. They glanced at each other and then back to me.

"Don't do that." Jared glared up at me.

"Do what?" I asked innocently.

"You know what." he laughed at me.

"No! Its gonna be another guitar hero all over again. You're a professional dancer for fucks sake." Shannon laughed.

"Hey! That's no excuse, you guys are professional musicians, so you guys should be able to beat my ass in guitar hero.. maybe being the professional is what makes the difference." I pointed out, trying my hardest to convince them.

"Ill try it." Tomo rounded the corner, coming to my rescue.

"See! Tomos willing to do it." I stuck my tongue out at Shannon and Jared.

"Tomo is willing to do anything." Shannon laughed. He had a point.

The three of them each had their own tittles. Jared was the funny one. His attitude was just like mine, no matter what happened, he tried to bring the humor out of every situation, and he was always trying to make people laugh. Unless it involved our relationship, then he just got angry, his humor completely dissolving.

Shannon was the prankster. He was the one always messing with people. If your ice cube had a fly in it, it was Shannon. If you thought you were being shot at in your own back yard, it was Shannon. If your hair was suddenly green after you took a shower, it was Shannon. Which made me think if maybe that's why Jareds hair changed color so often, but I knew Jared liked his hair crazy. But I couldn't help but wonder if a few of those times, Shannon was responsible. Shannon was there to keep everyone on their toes, because no one ever knew where or when Shannon would strike, and after being in Jareds house for almost two weeks, I learned to question everything.

But Shannon was also known as the calm one. He was always the guy standing in the middle, trying to calm down whoever was about to throw fists. He didn't like violence one bit, which made me wonder how he put up with Jared, considering when Jareds temper flared, people were in danger.

And then there was Tomo. Tomo was the one who would try anything. Whether it was trying out a stupid stunt, eating something that didn't looked edible, or making an ass of himself by playing a dance game he'd never even heard of. And I had to admit, I was contemplating grabbing a video camera and posting this on youtube.

To the naked eye, Tomo was the quiet, shy one. But if you spent more than two hours with him, you soon learned that looks truly could be deceiving.

Shannon and Tomo didn't live with Jared, but as much as they were at the house, they might as well have. They even had their own rooms. The three of them were inseparable, which I'm sure the fact that two of them were brothers and they were all in a band together was a big part of it. But needless to say, I was surrounded by these three almost 24/7. And I loved every second of it. There wasn't usually a second of my day that wasn't a blast. And I felt secure, like I had three of my own personal body guards. And that's how they treated me, like a little sister who needed to be protected from everyone.

Jared treated me more like his girlfriend, and that every guy who so much as looked at me needed to be punched in the eye, but that was expected of him, since we unofficially made our relationship official. After our talk yesterday, or I should say, Jareds monolog, we never actually said we were giving us a try. But we were both under the assumption that we were now a couple.

"Lets do this." Tomo laughed, snatching the case out of my hand and popping it into the wii.

* * *

"I cannot believe you talked me into doing that." Jared laughed as we walked into his bedroom. I laughed along with him, remembering one of the funniest things I had seen in my entire life. I had convinced Jared and Shannon to play along with Tomo and I. They were a little more at ease about it after watching us play a few songs without them. Once they agreed, I put on the hardest most ridiculous song of the game, and laughed hard as Tomo and I sat back and watched Shannon and Jared flail around the living room. A few times I thought I was going to faint from lack of oxygen.

"You owe me for that!" He laughed and kissed me, pulling me into his chest.

"Do not! You did it of your own free will." I tried to be serious, chocking on the laugh that threatened to burst at any moment.

"Are you laughing at me?" he cocked his eyebrow and glared at me, trying to be serious. I busted up laughing. He slammed the door with his foot, pushed me back onto his bed and had me pinned underneath him in seconds.

"You think this is funny?" he asked, keeping his gaze on me. I bit my lip, trying to conceal my amusement and shook my head.

"We'll see how funny you think this is." he said calmly before lifting off of me. He undressed me until I was in just my bra and panties, then made his way to his dresser. I rolled to my side and watched him. I crawled on my hands and knees to the edge of the bed, watching. He came back to me, placing a couple of things beside him on the bed. I didn't take notice of what they were because I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. He crawled onto the bed, making me crawl backwards. When my feet hit the headboard he grinned, his face inches from mine. He lifted my chin with his finger before placing his lips softly and gently onto mine. He took his time kissing me. He pulled away after a minute or two, leaving me breathless. His beautiful bright blue eyes stared into mine, eyes that made me want to fuck him right then and there.

"On your back." he ordered. He sat up and waited for me to lay on my back. He yanked his belt from his pants and smirked at me before wrapping his belt around my hands, then tied the belt around his headboard. He leaned his head down to stare at me as he made sure the belt was tight, his chest in my face. My stomach tightened, I knew what was about to happen. And I couldn't lie, I had been waiting for it. He leaned back on his heals, staring down at me, contemplating. I yanked down on the belt, I wasn't going anywhere. Jared smirked as realization crossed my face. He placed himself between my legs and leaned against his heals again, gazing at my body as if it were a piece of art.

"I read this in a book once." I looked down at him. His beautiful smile twisted into an evil smirk. He made his way up my body, making sure to touch every sensitive spot as lightly as he could, and then smiling to himself more when he felt me shiver.

"Oh yea? Did you like it?" he whispered in my ear as his hand slid its way down my body and coming to rest on top of my panties. I closed my eyes and whimpered as his hand slowly massaged through the thin cloth.

"Did you like it?" he asked more forcefully as his hand started to match his tone, making me soak my panties. His tongue made circles around my neck before he sank his teeth into my skin.

"Yes." I whimpered. He removed his hand and slowly slid my undies down my body. He placed his hands on my ankles and slowly made his way up, running his hands up my legs and stopping at my hips. His touch was driving me insane and I knew it wasn't going to be long before I was begging him to take me. He slipped two fingers inside me while his thumb rubbed circles around my clit. His other hand had slid my bra upward, making room for his mouth to capture my nipple. I let out a cry of pleasure as he worked my body into a frenzy. I arched my back, and pulled down on the belt.

Suddenly he stopped. He lifted my chin with his finger, slowly pulling my lips to his. He kissed me slowly, passionately, and I had to try my hardest to contain my whimpers. I pulled down on the belt again but it wouldn't move. I so badly wanted to touch him. I moaned loudly into his mouth when I felt his palms firmly grip my hip bone and pull me into him. I could feel his erection, and I was surprised he had so much self control. He pulled away and grinned at me.

"You're being too loud." he said in a firm tone. He leaned over and grabbed something from beside him. "Lift your head." he told me. I did as he asked and he placed a leather gag in my mouth, making sure it was secure before he made his way back to my body.

His tongue made its way to my clit, my body twitched each time he flicked his tongue. He pushed his two fingers back inside of me, making me instantly want to cum. He pulled himself away and looked up at me. I didn't know what it was about him, but just looking at him made me want to burst.

"Not yet." he murmured. He climbed up my body, keeping his fingers nestled inside of me and took my nipple in his mouth. He worked his fingers, making me jump every few strokes as he hit just the right spot but not applying enough pressure to send me over the edge. This guy knew what he was doing. I had almost cum 6 times by the time he pulled away from me.

He slowly pulled his clothes off, keeping his eyes on mine the whole time. My eyes grew wider when I saw his cock. How was that even going to fit? I knew we had already slept together once, but I didn't remember any of it. Although, why I couldn't remember _that_, I didn't know. I was going to be walking funny tomorrow.

Jared grinned at me as he caught me staring at his dick. He ripped open the condom packet that was beside him and rolled it over his dick. He didn't say anything as he grabbed my hips and twisted me around, laying me on my stomach. He placed his hands under me and lifted my butt into the air.

"Don't cum until I say so." he whispered in my ear as he slowly pushed himself inside of me. My eyes practically rolled to the back of my head as I felt him stretch me beyond my limits. It hurt but felt so good, I was starting to understand why people said pain could equal pleasure. I couldn't help but pushed back against him, I ached so badly to have all of him inside of me. He stopped moving and smacked me hard on the ass cheek, making me bite down on the leather gag.

"Don't move unless I say so." he warned me. He grabbed the back of my hair and yanked my head backwards at the same time as he plunged himself inside of me. I bit down harder on the gag as I felt him bottom out. He wrapped his hands around my hips, pulled out slowly and slammed back into me, pulling my hips back into him every time he moved forward. I winced as he started to thrust in and out faster, making me grunt each time he slammed back in. It was painful, but pleasurable at the same time. I smashed my face into the bed and attempted to scream, but the gag wouldn't let me. I wanted to scream so badly, scream from pleasure, and scream from the pain. I wondered if I could ever get use to his size, or if it was going to feel like he was ripping me apart every time. He reached his hand around my hips and rubbed my clit in rhythm with his hips.

I could feel my orgasm approaching quickly, and I wasn't sure if I could stop. Jared must have felt my muscles clench as they prepared for an explosion. He pulled his hand away and became still, his cock still inside me. He grabbed my hair and yanked backwards again, making me look up at him through my eyelashes.

"Naught girl, you almost came." he teased. He pulled out of me and flipped me onto my back. Hitching his arms under my knees he slammed back into me again. He leaned back onto his heals and pulled me closer, my wrists protested as the belt bit into my skin. He angled me and pushed in deeper.

"I want you to look at me when you cum." he panted as he slammed harder and harder into me. I could feel my orgasm coming, he kept me on edge for so long that it wasn't going to take any time at all.

"Fuck me Lana! Cum on me!" he shouted. As if I was obeying his command I bucked my hips as I felt myself come apart. I closed my eyes, enjoying every ounce of him and my orgasm took over.

"Look at me!" he demanded. I snapped my eyes open and looked him in the eyes. I bit down against the leather, if it wasn't there, I would have been screaming until my lungs collapsed. He continued to pound into me as he watched my orgasm ripple through me. His constant thrusting kept me cumming, not letting me stop. I couldn't take it anymore. I clenched my hands around the belt and screamed loudly, the leather in my mouth muffling the sound. Jared slammed hard into me one last time before he gripped my hips, held me tight against him and came. I kept my eyes on him as his orgasm rippled through his body. Just watching his pleasure made me cum again. He groaned when my walls clenched around his now sensitive dick, making him cum harder. He moaned loudly as the seconds passed and I continued to tighten around him, and if I didn't know any better, I would have thought he came again.

When both of our highs were over, he looked down at me, he looked exhausted. He crawled up me, released my hands and then collapsed on the bed. I sat up and quickly undid the gag. My entire lower half felt like it was on fire, and I was sure that the stabbing pain I felt each time he thrusted, was him hitting my cervix. I collapsed on the bed next to him and attempted to catch my breath. That was utterly amazing, and as much pain I was in at the moment, I wanted to do it again, right then. I leaned over him and placed the gag in his mouth, then quickly straddled him. He glared up at me, covered in sweat and a little confused.

"My turn." I grinned. Had I known sex with Jared was going to be that good, I wouldn't have waited so long to do it. I was going to be extremely sore tomorrow, but to me, it was worth it.


	34. Bad Romance

**Bad Romance  
**

* * *

I want your love and I want your revenge,

You and me could write a bad romance,

I want your love and all your love is revenge,

You and me could write a bad romance.

Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

* * *

"I'm getting married!" Jo screamed as she bounced up and down in her seat.

"You what?" I asked in surprise, chocking on my coffee and having to spit some out. Was she serious?

"Would you be my maid of honor?" she blurted out, not giving me any time to recuperate. I stared at her for a moment in a daze. She snapped her fingers in front of my face. "Lana?" I snapped myself from my daze and grinned.

"Of course I will Jo! You're my best friend! When is the wedding?"

"June 30th."

"Wow, that soon?" I asked. It was the third week of May already. That only gave us a month to plan everything.

"Yea, we wanted to do it sooner, but the wedding planner said we would need at least a month. Invitations are being sent out this week." Jo explained. She cleared her throat. "There's one thing though, Criss is going to be the best man." she winced as she waited for my reaction. I placed my hand on hers and leaned closer to her.

"Jo, its your day, and I'm your best friend, this has nothing to do with me and Criss. I've moved on, so its not a big deal." I reassured her.

She twisted her lips, unsure about my response. Jo wasn't very happy about my decision to be with Jared and finally move on from Criss. She stood by her opinion of gunning for them both, but that wasn't me, and she knew that. Seeing how Jo was about to marry Criss' best friend, I knew I couldn't avoid him my entire life. I wasn't happy about having to see him again, but I wasn't going to let that ruin my best friends wedding. I sat back and cleared my throat, attempting to change the subject.

"So when did he pop the question?" I asked. Jos face lit up and she scooted to the edge of her seat, ready to tell me everything.

I sat back and got comfortable, I knew Jo wasn't going to spare me any detail of how Sully proposed to her. I watched her as she rambled on, only half listening. I couldn't help but be bothered by this whole thing. I was happy for her. But I felt a little jealous. This was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the spouting on about my wedding plans. But things between Criss and I were never going to be again.

I didn't see Jared as the marriage type. I knew perfectly well his stand point on settling down. It was never going to happen. So why was I wasting my time with him? I loved him. A stupid girl in love, that was why. The same reason I had wasted all that time on Criss. But at least with Criss I knew things would move forward.

With Jared, I was well aware that we were never going to move further than boyfriend and girlfriend. He had been engaged only once, to Cameron Diaz, but he broke it off because he wanted to focus on his music career. And never mentioned getting engaged or married again. And I knew that I wasn't going to be that one exception. So why did I put myself through it? The sex was beyond imaginable, but was it worth sacrificing my heart, yet again?

As much as I loved being with Jared. I was really starting to miss Criss. I missed us. I knew there was no way Criss was ever going to forgive me for everything I had done. Which was why I decided a long time ago that we were over. But sometimes, when I was with Jared, I would catch myself imagining he was Criss. It was very hard to do, considering Jared and Criss were almost the complete opposites in every way. But I wanted to be loved again. I knew Jared loved me, but it wasn't the same, Jared didn't make me feel the way Criss did. And I wanted that feeling back.

At that moment, I realized I wasn't sure if I was ready to see Criss again. The last time I saw him, things didn't end so well. We were both drunk, and both very angry. I said a lot of things I didn't mean to say. I may have meant them at that point in time, but after wards I really regretted it. I didn't really want Criss to be tormented. Everything that happened between us was my fault as much as his, if not more. I still hadn't been able to come up with a reason as to why Criss fucked and dumped me. Regardless of how good the sex was, I was still a little bitter about the way things played out.

And my acknowledging to myself that I missed Criss was going to be a problem. I was with Jared now. I couldn't think about Criss. Criss and I were over, as in, no going back, right? All I had to do was be strong and stand my ground. Besides, it was only one wedding, and then I wouldn't have to see him ever again. I could do this!

* * *

"I missed you! I couldn't stop thinking about you at the studio." Jared breathed roughly into my ear as he pounded into me."All I wanted to do was come home and fuck the shit out of you." he nibbled on my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

His chest pressed tightly against my back, smashing me between him and the wall. I was ready to collapse after having 4 orgasms, but Jared was still going. And I wondered to myself how in the world he kept up his stamina.

I had to admit, Jared was a crazy bastard in the sack. He loved to try different toys, and he was very keen on tying me up, although he knew I preferred to touch, so he tried to give in to my ways as much as he could. He loved to talk dirty and he couldn't stay in one position for too long. I was always flopping around as he positioned me this way and that way. One time I counted at least 10 different positions we had done, in one round. But he never let me down. Not once did I go unsatisfied.

I sighed with relief as I noticed his end was coming. I smacked my palms against the wall and tried to keep myself sturdy as he grunted loudly. He leaned his head against my neck and held my hips against him tightly as his body convulsed and he finished. As much as I loved the crazy sex with him, he was too big and too painful to have sex with for as long as he could go. Sometimes it sucked being a woman, there were some things that men could never understand, and painful, yet enjoyable sex, was one of them.

He released me slightly, but kept his hold on me as he pulled out and walked us to the bed. We both collapsed on top of the covers and sprawled out. I hung my leg over Jareds and stared up at the ceiling, letting my thoughts consume me again.

Jared and I had barely seen each other for the past two weeks. He was busy recording at the studio, and I had my days tied up helping Jo with the wedding and planning the bachelorette party and bridal shower. So needless to say what little time Jared and I had, was spent having sex.

As much as I loved Jared, I was starting to feel like all we were now was sex. Sure, we did other things together, but at the end of the day, it was all about the sex. I didn't mind that we would fuck at least 6 times a day, in random places, at random times, in fact, I loved it. And that was the problem. We both did, a little too much.

Even Shannon had been making comments lately about our spontaneous outbursts, how we would get into fuck mode out of nowhere, not caring who was around or where we were. We would do it in the car, in the studio bathroom, or the dressing rooms at the mall, we didn't care. And Shannon had also mentioned us almost breaking down the house, and I had to admit, there were a few broken pieces of furniture around the house.

"whats wrong?" Jared asked, noticing my sudden quietness. I shook my head.

"Nothing." I lied.

"Come on Lana, I know you better than that. Whats wrong?" he asked again and propped himself up on his elbow so he could peer down at me. I looked up at him, staring into his eyes. As much as I didn't want to bring this up, I had to, and it was the perfect opportunity to get to the topic of our future, which I had been dreading to ask.

"I got a job offer back home, and I was thinking about taking it." I told him.

Western Michigan University had called me last week, offering me a teaching position for the dance department. I had told them I would need some time to think about it and they must have wanted me pretty badly because they told me to take all the time I needed. I didn't understand how they heard about me, or why they wanted me. I wasn't a big name, and it wasn't like I was the best of my profession, I hadn't even applied for a job there, but they wanted me. At that time I thought Jared and I were going to live in California and be happy, but now I wasn't so sure. His face suddenly twisted and I already knew he wasn't happy.

"In Michigan?" he asked confused.

"Yea." I said quietly. I turned my head so I didn't have to look him in the eyes. I knew we had just gotten our relationship in order, and now I was throwing everything out of orbit again. He was not going to be happy.

"Sooo.. when am I ever going to see you?" he asked. I shrugged. He sat up and glared down at me. He bit down on his lip and nodded his head, as if he had come up with an answer, and answer he didn't like.

"Its Criss isn't it?" he asked.. "You're never going to get over him are you?" he sighed.

"No, Jared, its not Criss, its us." I told him. He huffed a laugh and looked away from me. We stared off in different directions and didn't speak for a moment.

"I'm never going to be more than your girlfriend am I?" I asked, sitting up to face him. His eyes snapped to my face and stared at me. He wasn't angry like I expected him to be, he looked, sad.

"Lana look, I love you, I do, but with my career, I cant tie myself down. Getting married would be admitting defeat. And I cant do that, I'm sorry." he looked sincere.

"So, what was all this? Just some fun?" I asked, I couldn't help but feel a little heartbroken. I thought that what Jared and I had was more than it was, and I wanted it to be something important, something that was going to mean more to the both of us. I guess I was wrong. Our relationship had turned into what Criss didn't want, just sex. Jared placed his hand on my cheek and gazed at me for a moment. His thumb ran smoothly over my cheek.

"These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume." I whispered softly, now understanding the meaning. Jareds hand slid down my cheek before he dropped it onto the bed.

"I'm sorry." he said. He slid his finger lightly across my jaw before pushing himself from the bed and leaving the room. This was it, the end of my bad romance.


	35. Breaking the habit

**Breaking the habit  
**

* * *

_Memories consume like opening the wound,  
_

_I'm picking me apart again,  
_

_You all assume, I'm safe here in my room,  
_

_Unless I try to start again,  
_

_I don't want to be the one, the battles always choose,  
_

_Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused,  
_

_I don't know whats worth fighting,  
_

_Or why I have to scream,  
_

_I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean,  
_

_I don't know how I got this way,  
_

_I know its not alright,  
_

_So I'm breaking the habit tonight.  
_

_Linkin Park - Breaking the habit  
_

* * *

"Its a pretty cozy place for someone like yourself." the landlord, Kim said as she walked me around the condo. "It has two bedrooms, one bath, a fireplace, and a stunning view." she continued as she led me to the floor to ceiling windows. I leaned against the wall and peered outside. It did have a nice view. A small pond sat in the middle of a field, on either side of the field was nothing but trees.

"Now, from what I can see," she said after a moment, looking down at the clip board she carried with her, "this is in your price range. It is also a month to month lease so you wont have to worry about getting out of your lease if something better comes along." Her words sent a jolt through my body. 'If something better comes along'. Yea, not for me, I had my chance, and a second chance, but I was pretty sure both Criss and Jared were done with me.

I had started to pack my things after my talk with Jared. We pretty much came to the agreement that besides dating and fucking, we didn't really have a future. He was one of my best friends before sex complicated things, and I was glad we could talk like adults, which left us able to remain friends. But as far as us being together, it was pretty much a done deal, friends was where we were going to stay.

"So you're teaching at the University?" she asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. I nodded.

"Yea, I started a couple weeks ago." I told her. She nodded and bit her lip, then looked down at the clipboard. "The commute is a bit too much for me, so I'm looking for something closer." I explained.

"Well, normally we require you to have a job for at least 6 months. But Gillian gave you a wonderful reference and I'm willing to give you a chance." she smiled. I was going to have to thank my therapist for the reference.

"Where do I sign?" I grinned. She returned the grin and led me to the kitchen to sign the paperwork.

* * *

"Don't worry Jo, I got it covered! Everything is all set and ready to go for the bachelorette party." I reassured Jo as I held the phone between my shoulder and ear and unpack my boxes.

"I know, but what about you? My maid of honor needs to be there!" she said in a pouty voice, making me laugh.

"Don't worry, I got this! You know I'm gonna be there, I don't care who I have to kill, I wouldn't miss it for the world." I laughed.

Jo and Sully decided to have the wedding in Michigan. Jo and I had a lot of memories here and there was one place that meant more to her than any other place, and that was where they were getting married. My mothers house.

Jos father left her and her mom when she was 2. He kept in contact, but he wasn't afraid to let her know he didn't want any kids. Each time she saw him, she would come to my house and I would sit with her, letting her cry on my shoulder. She pretty much gave up on him when she turned 18.

Her mother was a workaholic. She was barely around when Jo was a teenager, usually out drinking with the girls when she wasn't working, which was probably why we always got into the most trouble when we were at Jos house. But her mother could be very strict as well. When Jo was unfortunate enough to get caught in some of the stupid things we did, her mom would blow a gasket and usually punches were thrown. Again, each time, Jo would end up at my house.

My mom knew Jo and I were best friends. And since Jo spent a lot of our high school years staying at my house, my mom grew very fond of her, even said to me that Jo was more than a friend, she was family. My mom always referred to her as a second daughter. Jo knew how my mom felt about her, and I was pretty sure Jo felt the same towards my family. Which was why she wanted to have her wedding at the house we spent so many years in. Not to mention that my moms house was the perfect set up for a wedding. The backyard was like walking through a professional gardeners yard.

"Jo, I'm only like 40 minutes from Jackson, I will be there! I promise." After getting back to Jackson, and driving the two hour commute every day, it was starting to take a toll. So I managed to get out of my lease and decided to look for something closer. The apartment that I had just signed for was in Marshal Michigan. Pretty much half way between Jackson and Kalamazoo, where Western was at.

"Ok," she sighed, "but if you're not at the hotel by 5, I'm sending someone after you. And I cant promise that it wont get messy." she laughed. I loved her sense of humor, it was no wonder that her and I were best friends.

"I got it." I laughed along with her. "2 more days." I reminded her. She giggled into the phone.

"I know! I'm so excited! Oh, I have to go. Ill see you at 5!" she demanded more than asked. After I hung up I decided to get things around for the crazy night we were about to have. It wasn't even noon yet, so I had plenty of time, but there was one stop I wanted to make before I met up with Jo and the girls.

* * *

As I stood outside, staring up at the bay window, my heart started to ache. The familiar white and brown house stood in front of me, bringing up more memories than I thought I could handle.

I closed my eyes and let the memories flood my mind. The many nights my best friends and I had drank the night away, laughing at old memories, making new ones, dancing and living life the way we should. I thought of Criss and I. The night we met. The first time he came over, making me answer question after question. I laughed slightly as I remembered how badly he scared me when he walked in, and how embarrassed I was that he caught me dancing like a fool.

I thought about the first time he kissed me. We had just watched a 4 hour remake of his favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz. I could remember being so paranoid as I sat cuddled against him, it was all so new, and I honestly had no idea how to react to him. I wasn't sure if I was coming on too strong, or not enough. Through the entire movie, I would notice him stealing glances at me, but he'd look away the moment he saw I noticed. And then, as if it were from a movie, he pulled me down as I was leaving the room, and gave me one of the best, most romantic kisses of my life. I licked my lips as I remembered, I could almost feel his lips felt against mine.

The first night he slept over. I made him take a shower, and he managed to convince me to take one with him. We spent hours in the tub. He was such a gentlemen that night, rubbing my back, washing me from head to toe, not once trying to put a move on me. We fell asleep together in my bed. And it was the best sleep that I had gotten in my entire life. Just feeling Criss next to me, in the comfort of my own home, it felt like magic.

And then there was first time we made love. I had experience in bed, but never in my life had I dreamed sex could be that good. I remembered I lost my head half way through. Feeling like I was floating on top of the world. And the orgasm, oh my god! To this day, I haven't had a better orgasm. Not with Jared, not with Criss. I opened my eyes again and sighed. I missed everything about this house. And lets face it, I missed Criss.

I pulled out my keys, unlocked the door and slowly stepped inside. It smelled the same as I remembered. I was always using some type of scented candle or wax burner, and it still smelled like the Berry Cheesecake that was my favorite scent. I could feel myself starting to get even more sentimental, but that was when I noticed a pair of boots sitting beside the door. Who was here? The house was still up for sale, maybe it was someone interested in buying it. But that wasn't it. My stomach sank as I realized, those were Criss' boots.

What the hell was he doing here? Probably the same things as me. Trying to remember how things use to be. And trying to get just a tiny reminder of how much love we had for each other back then. I didn't want to see him, not now, not ever. The wedding was the only time I was willing to see him again. I wasn't sure if my will would be strong enough for anything more than the wedding. I turned to walk out of the house, trying to be as quiet as I could. I was halfway out the door when he spotted me.

"Stop!" he demanded, making me freeze in my tracks with the screen door halfway open. _Damn it_! I sighed and closed my eyes then turned to face him. He stood about 10 feet away, hesitating on the last step. I was assuming he was upstairs in the bedroom. I didn't know why, it wasn't like there was anything up there. When I moved out I had taken all the furniture with me.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. His voice wasn't soft like I expected it to be, it was hard and rough, almost as if he were angry about seeing me again. Ok, two can play at this game.

"I could ask the same thing about you." I shifted my weight to one leg and crossed my arms. He stepped down from the stairs and came closer to me, now only 5 feet away.

"You're selling the house?" he sounded hurt. I was surprised that he cared at all. "why?" he asked. I shrugged.

"I have my reasons." I told him coldly. I wasn't going to back down. If I let my guard down for one second, he could take over and I would have no hope of winning. He closed the gap between us, his face was only inches from mine, and I could feel my self control already starting to falter.

"Lana," he sighed and his face softened. He took my hands in his and slowly traced his fingers around mine, he moved his eyes to stare at our interlinked fingers. "I miss you." his voice cracked slightly and I could tell he was on the verge of tears. I understood, seeing him now, after everything we went through, it hurt and it made me want to melt into him arms again.

"I miss us." he looked up into my eyes and I could tell he meant it. Those dark brown eyes that I hadn't seen in so long, the ones I use to dream about, the ones that made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, now they made me hurt. Like there was a big chuck of myself missing, and it was standing right in front of me. All I had to do was reach out and claim it back. Then everything would be fine again. I would be whole again.

"Criss," I breathed his name. I could feel his breath on my face. His sweet scent filled my nose. I closed my eyes, indulging myself for a moment. A shiver ran through mine spine as I took him in. He let go of one of my hands so he could trace his finger along my face. His index finger ran across my cheek and stopped at the bottom of my chin. He pulled my face up to his.

"Open your eyes." he whispered. I couldn't bring myself to open them, I was afraid if I had to look at him any longer, that I would surely lose all control. He placed his lips lightly on top of mine and that was it, I lost it. The kiss turned hungry, both of us throwing everything we had into it, making up for all the time we lost. I wrapped my arms around his neck and jumped up, wrapping my legs around his waist. It threw him off balance and his back slammed against the wall. He placed his hands on my butt so I wouldn't fall. When we finally broke for some air, he placed his forehead against mine.

"I missed you so much." he breathed. I did too. I missed him more than I was willing to admit. But something didn't feel right. We couldn't just jump back into things, acting as if the last 4 months never happened. Suddenly I realized, neither of us were ready for this relationship to start up again. How could we? I had just accepted a job in Michigan, and Criss was bound by contract to the luxor. And I wasn't about to make the same mistake twice, I wasn't going to throw this job away only to have Criss and I not work out, again. No! This wasn't right. And I needed to stop it before it was too late. I slowly broke my hold of him and placed my feet on the floor. Criss looked confused as I backed away.

"Criss, we cant do this." I said sadly. I turned to the door and walked out, leaving Criss confused and hurt, once again. I was half way to my truck before he made his way to the porch.

"Lana I love you!" he shouted to me. "Ive always loved you, and Ill never stop loving you!" I didn't have the nerve to turn around, knowing if I did, it would be the end of me. I continued to walk to my truck. "No matter what you say, or think, or do, I'm not going to stop fighting for you."

I winced as his words stabbed through me like daggers. Why did he have to make this so hard? All I wanted for the past 3 months, was to hear him say that, and now that he was, I was walking away from it. Tears ran down my face as I got into my truck. I kept myself from glancing his way and backed out of the driveway. I was hurt, lost, confused and had no idea what I was doing. I couldn't go back to the way things were, but I didn't know how much longer I could live without Criss. Two more days and then I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Two more days.


	36. All I ever wanted

**All I ever wanted.**

* * *

_I can only say these things to you while you're sleeping,_

_I hear the hum from the wire as the sounds of the morning creep in,_

_I lie awake and pretend you can hear me,_

_You tell me that you're scared that you're turning into your mother,_

_I feel myself turn into my father,_

_We could lie to each other like they do and say were so happy,_

_Its easy when you're young and you still want it so badly,_

_And I feel my heart pounding, and I think I might scream_

_I could tell you that your all I ever wanted dear,_

_I could utter every word you've ever hoped to hear,_

_I shutter when I think that I might not be here forever, forever, forever._

_Airbourne toxic event – All I ever wanted_

* * *

**CPOV**

I could feel the alcohol diminishing as I reached my hotel door, I was barely buzzed now. I had to admit, it was one hell of a bachelor party. I glanced at the door kitty corner from mine. Why Jo and Sully would put mine and Lanas rooms so close together was beyond me. They had the entire floor rented out for the wedding party, so they could have at least made sure our rooms were on opposite ends of the hotel. If I didn't know any better, Id say they planned this in attempt to make us talk to each other. Or to force us to at least look at each other. If Lana was speaking to me, then I wouldn't mind, but her room being so close to mine made my temptation even harder to resist. I reluctantly peeled my eyes away from her door and slid my key into the lock, making my way to the bed, I plopped down onto it, letting my feet hang over the edge.

I missed Lana, too much. And I wasn't sure if I would be able to go home without her. I was a strong man, but not that strong. I didn't have the will to let her go. I knew it was selfish, but every day I lived without her made my heart grow colder. I was starting to not recognize the man in the mirror. It was almost as if when she left, she took a chunk of me with her. And that chunk was a vital part of me. So now, I started to rot, and I would continue to rot until that chunk was returned. And that meant Lana needed to come home, with me, where she belonged.

I had to figure out what to do, what to say to make Lana stay with me. And it wasn't going to be easy. I needed to figure out a way to get around her stubbornness. To find a way to make her listen to me. I almost had her at the old house. She let her guard down for a second, and that's all I needed. But stupid me, instead of telling her how I felt, I ravaged her lips like that's all I cared about. And that was far from the truth. I wanted her, all of her, mind body and spirit. And I was willing to do just about anything to get her back.

I had just started to drift to sleep when a loud bang and giggles in the hallway woke me up. I glanced up at the clock. It was 4:30 in the morning. I heard a couple more bangs and then a loud shush, followed by more giggling. I immediately recognized those giggles. Lana and Jo. Too many times had I listened to their drunken laughter as well as their klutziness. As I listened to the two of them noisily make their way down the hallway I contemplated on whether or not I should go make sure they were okay. After all, I did know how those two were drunk, but I wasn't sure if I could handle seeing Lana right now. With all my might I wanted to run out there, to snatch her into my arms and scream at her until she listened to me. And that was the problem, I didn't want to scare her away.

I had made up my mind when I heard one of them crash against my wall. I opened the hotel door only to see Lana and Jo both laying directly in front of my door. They both were laughing hard while clutching their stomachs and rolling around. I missed that, Lana and Jo being, well, Lana and Jo, having a good time together, not a care in the world. And it hurt me to think that I was never going to be able to see it again. I was pretty sure Lana had made up her mind, she was done with me. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle, but I would never forgive myself if I gave up that easily. I leaned my arm against the edge of the door and cleared my throat.

The laughing suddenly stopped as Jo and Lana both noticed me standing in front of them. Lana quickly jumped to her feet and tried her hardest to look sober, stumbling a couple of times before she composed herself. She refused to make eye contact with me, making my heart ache even more. Now she wouldn't even look me in the eyes? This was killing me. She extended her hand out to Jo. They both struggled to stay steady as Jo hoisted herself up with Lanas hand.

"Criss." Jo nodded at me. "Lana, Ill see you early and bright." Lana arched her eyebrow at her, "I mean, bright and early." Jo corrected herself. I leaned my head against the door and shook my head, trying not to show my amusement. Jo turned and headed to the end of the hall to her room. Lana didn't even glance my way. She turned her back to me and rummaged through her purse, acting as if I wasn't even there. I felt the urge to snatch her arm, to yank her around and force her to look at me. I wanted her to look me in the eyes, to see the pain that they held. I wanted her to know how badly she was hurting me. I needed to talk to her, I needed to find a way to make her listen, I didn't care how or where. I took a deep breath, stepped into the hall and shut my door behind me, it was now or never.

"Lana." I said softly as I walked up behind her. She stopped searching through her purse and I could almost hear her eyes roll as she sighed. "You don't have to say anything, I just want you to hear me out." I was basically pleading with her. She turned to face me.

"Criss, this is over. We both need to accept that and move on." she turned away again, quickly finding her key and slid it into the door. She stepped in without hesitation. But I wasn't having it. Damn it! She was going to listen to me one way or another. Just as she was about to close the door I slammed my hand against it, forcing it open. Lana took a couple steps back as I entered her room and slammed the door behind me. I leaned against the door, blocking the only exit. She was trapped. Now she had no choice but to listen.

"Damn it Lana! You're going to listen to me! And if I have to duck tape your mouth shut and tie you to a chair, so help me god I will." I threatened her, and at that point, I knew what I said was right. I was willing to do just about anything to make her listen. Lanas eyes widened with shock at my threat and I was sure she knew I meant it. She pressed her lips together and backed up, she braced herself against the dresser and shook her head. I took a step toward her and she tensed.

"Criss, I.." she started but I cut her off.

"No! Its my turn. My turn to talk, your turn to listen." I snapped a little more forcefully then I meant. She pressed her lips together again and took a deep breath.

"Criss." she said between her clenched jaw. "I'm too drunk for this right now." she said and attempted to side step me. I stepped in front of her, forcing her back against the dresser. I pressed my body against hers, pinning her between me and the wood behind her. I ran my hand down her cheek as I stared down at her.

"I love you Lana. I miss you." I whispered. She sighed heavily but didn't say anything. "What do you want? What do you want me to do? How can I prove to you that you belong with me? That we were meant for each other? And that Id rather die than live without you? Huh? Tell me! What's it gonna take?" I tilted her chin up, forcing her to look at me. I searched her eyes closely. "What do you want?" Her eyes softened as she returned my gaze.

"Everything to just stop. I want everything to be like it was. But don't you see Criss? Its never gonna be like it was, there is no going back." she held my gaze, almost as if to prove a point. Her face suddenly crumpled and she looked to the ground. "I need to lie down." she said weakly as she started to sway, her eyes fluttered and she lost her grip on the dresser. My arms were around her before she could fall. Her eyes opened slightly and she looked up at me through half open lids.

"Criss." she breathed. My heart dropped and my knees started to shake as she whispered my name. It felt like an eternity since I had heard my name roll off of her lips like that. Oh god I missed her. She smiled at me and attempted to stroke my cheek, her hand never fully making it before it flopped back down and she was out cold. She must have had a lot more to drink than I thought, my first clue, she was starting to give in to me, she let her guard down.

I carried her to the bed and placed her on top of the covers. She was going to hate me for this in the morning, but I wanted to make sure she was taken care of. I gently undressed her. I didn't feel like rummaging through her luggage so I pulled my shirt over my head and then struggled with it as I pulled it over Lanas body.

Once the t shirt was secure I picked her up and placed her under the covers. I stared down at her, secretly wishing that this moment could last forever. That I could stay here for all eternity, staring down at the most beautiful woman in the world, and the one woman I couldn't live without. I didn't want to leave her alone, I knew how she could be drunk and I needed to be here in case something happened. I knew I was trying to justify why I was about to crawl into bed with her, but damn it, it was a good enough reason.

I pulled back the covers and crawled in next to her. I didn't know how long I sat there staring at her. I tried to take a mental picture of her face, remembering every last detail. I wasn't sure when the next time I was going to be able to look at her, and I wanted to make sure I remembered her the way she was. I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, her hair was getting longer, almost shoulder length now, and I was glad. I traced her jaw line with my knuckle. She stirred slightly and softly whispered my name, making my heart skip a beat. She was still asleep. Was she dreaming about me?

I was a glutton for punishment. Every time my name left her lips I felt my veins electrify and my heart ached. I knew every second I spent laying in this bed with her, was going to make it that much harder when I had to go back home, alone. With the knowledge that we were no more. But even knowing the heartache it was going to cause me later, I couldn't bring myself to leave her. There were somethings I still needed to say. I ran my hand across her cheek again.

"Lana, I miss you. I miss everything about you. Your face, your voice, your soft skin." I whispered as I ran my fingers along her arm. "I miss the way you would snuggle close to me whenever Id come home from a long day at work. When I was exhausted and all I could think about was sleep. Id come home and see you laying in bed, sound asleep. At the mere sight of you, all I could think about was being as close to you as humanly possible."

I huffed a laugh to myself. Why was I saying all of this? It wasn't like she could hear me. I guess I was subconsciously wishing she was hearing every word, and that it was some how going to make her change her mind. But who was I kidding? I knew how stubborn she could be when her mind was set, and she was positively set on us being over. But I didn't care, I needed to say it.

"I miss your smile. No matter how bad my day was, your smile always made it better. And the way you would crawl into my lap, knowing I had a bad day. You'd crawl onto my lap, lay your head against me and just sit there, not saying a word, knowing that all I needed at that moment was to hold you. You always knew what to do. Always knew what I needed." she stirred in her sleep again as I ran my fingers down her rip cage. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, breathing in her scent. She was wearing my favorite perfume.

"You mean everything to me. And I promise, right now, that I will do everything in my power to win you back. Whatever it takes, Ill never give up, not until the day I die. Ive been waiting my whole life for you. Please don't make me live the rest of it without you. I love you, my angel."

I felt a tear stream down my face as I kissed her forehead and snuggled close to her. Closing my eyes I let myself drift to sleep. And it was the best nights sleep I had gotten in the past 4 months.


	37. I hate everything about you

**I hate everything about you**

* * *

_Every roommate kept awake,_

_By every sigh and scream we make,  
_

_All the feelings that I get,  
_

_But I still don't miss you yet,  
_

_Only when I stop to think about it,  
_

_I hate everything about you, why do I love you?  
_

_Three days grace - I hate everything about you_

* * *

I awoke the next morning from my cell phone vibrating. Lifting my head to look around, I was only able to open one eye. My contacts were still in, I had must have forgotten to take them out the night before. I rubbed my eyes attempting to force my contacts back into place when I caught sight of my purse. It laid on the floor next to the door, its contents spilled all over the ground. My cell phone lit up in the mess of my items. Today was going to suck. Wedding rehearsal and pre wedding jitters with one of the worst hang overs of my life. I must have drank myself into oblivion last night. My cell phone went quiet and I placed my head back onto my pillow, rubbing my temples attempting to calm my headache.

The last thing I could remember, was meeting up with the girls at the hotel. I was excited, the majority of all my high school friends were there and after my encounter with Criss, I was ready to get good and loaded and enjoy the night with my friends. Apparently that's exactly what I did. I was regretting it now. I was glad Jo got me a room at the hotel, that way I didn't have to figure out how I was going to get back to my apartment, trashed.

I rolled over to catch a glimpse at the clock. I had to meet Jo at 10 to get things ready for tomorrow. As I rolled, my arm stopped short. My eyes widened with surprise and shock as I noticed Criss laying in bed next to me, shirtless and sound asleep. What the hell was he doing in my bed? I sat up quickly and stared him down.

I surveyed the room, trying to get a clue as to what the hell happened last night. Nothing seemed out of place, with the exception of my purse, nothing looked broken. I didn't sleep with him did I? Glancing down I noticed I was in Criss' shirt. God I'm an idiot! Here I am, trying my damnedest to keep myself from going back to him, I get drunk and he mysteriously appears in my bed. What the hell was I doing? I was screwing it all up, that's what I was doing.

It wasn't that I didn't love Criss. Hell, it wasn't even that I didn't want to be with him. I did. I loved him more than anything, and I wanted nothing more than to be with him. So why was I being so stubborn about it? Because I didn't want to hurt Criss anymore than I already had. I hurt him, on more than one occasion. I was beginning to see that I was a bad news magnet when it came to men. And I cared for Criss too much to put him through anymore.

So yes, for the sake of sparing Criss the pain, I was going to be a bitch. As much as I hated the idea of being that way towards him, its what I had to do. If Criss thought I hated him or even if I pissed him off enough, maybe he would finally back off and give up. He'd eventually get over me, and then him and Mary could live a happy life. And although I felt resentment towards Mary, I was glad for her, glad that she was there to pick up the pieces that I was going to leave.

I slowly and carefully pulled back the covers and slid out of bed. I rummaged through my bag and yanked on a pair of jeans. Grabbing some clean clothes, I tiptoed to the bathroom. I was going to attempt to make it out of the room without waking him. I shut the bathroom door quietly and searched through my bag for some Tylenol. I quickly popped a few of them then got dressed. Once I looked presentable I cracked open the bathroom door and attempted to make my escape.

"Where do you think you're going?" Criss asked just as my hand touched the door handle. I hung my head and dropped my arm. Better get this over with. I turned to face him. My stomach wasn't agreeing with me, probably due to all that alcohol, I wouldn't be a but surprised if I was still legally drunk. I leaned against the wall for support. I looked at Criss and asked the question that needed asked the most.

"What happened last night?" I asked. Criss threw his arms into the air and rolled his eyes.

"Figures you wouldn't remember." he said. I gulped loudly.

"So does that mean, we?"

"Nothing happened." he reassured me. It sounded almost as if he was disappointed.

"Then why did I wake up with you in my bed?" He opened his mouth but I held up my hand. "You know what? I don't want to know, I'm running late. I have to go." I turned to open the door. I wasn't ready for the answer. If Criss and I slept together, it was only going to complicate things more, and I figured it was best if I didn't know.

"Can I drive you?" he asked as he got out of bed and slipped his shirt on.

"I'm going to my moms, to help Jo get things ready." I told him, hoping the wedding planning would scare him away.

"I know, Sully asked me to meet him there. He has some last minute things that need to get done. There's no point in taking two cars. Ill drive." He slipped his shoes on and walked over to me. As much as I didn't want to be stuck in the same car as him, I didn't feel I was in good enough condition to drive. I sighed heavily and reluctantly nodded. His face instantly lit up as he opened the door.

"Let me get my keys." he slipped into his room and was back in a matter of seconds. Most of the drive was quiet and I was thankful. I didn't want to talk to him. I knew what he wanted, and I didn't want to break his heart for the last time.

"So, are you growing your hair out?" he asked, trying to start a conversation. Damn it! So much for riding in silence. I shrugged and stared out the window, hoping he would get the hint. "And thee, um, tattoo, whats that all about?" he asked and nudged his chin toward my leg.

"Criss, I didn't agree to ride with you so we could talk." I finally said. I hated being a bitch to him, more than anything. But it was the only way I could think of that would make him leave. I watched him out of the corner of my eyes. His mouth a hard line and his hands gripped the steering wheel a bit too tight.

Suddenly he slammed on the brakes, forcing my body to fling forward. I braced myself against the dash board before I smacked into it and looked over at him.

"What the hell are you doing?" I yelled. I had to admit that I was a bit surprised at the way he was acting. He threw the car into park and turned to face me.

"We're not leaving this spot until you talk to me. I'm tired of these games Lana."

"Criss, c'mon, seriously, Jo is waiting on me."

"Then I guess we better get this over quickly." I sighed in frustration and looked down at my feet. We both sat there silently for a moment. "I tried Lana, I really did. I tried keeping my patients and giving you time to come around. But I cant do it anymore. I'm not giving you up. So you're either going to get real sick of me, or you're going to realize that you and I belong together. Either way, I'm not going any where."

I kept my eyes on my feet, not wanting to face him. I wasn't prepared for what I had to do. Nothing could have prepared me for it, but I had to do it.

"I don't love you Criss." I whispered. He snorted and stared me down.

"I don't believe you, not for one second!" he snapped. "If you didn't love me, you wouldn't avoid me. You wouldn't be scared to look me in the eyes, because you know, the minute you look at me, you're gonna give in." he was right. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me." he said. "If you can do that, then I'll leave you alone. I'll go back to Vegas and you'll never hear from me again."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Could I really do this? Could I really look him in the eyes and say I didn't love him? Even if I could, could I make him believe me? I bit back my tears that threatened to spill and turned to face him.

"I don't... love you." I managed to say it while looking in his eyes. I wasn't sure if he believed me or not, but I was surprised that I was able to do it and not break into tears. He huffed a laugh and nodded his head, with a sarcastic smile on his lips.

"Its Jared isn't it?" he asked. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. I looked away from him and stared out the window. I wasn't going to tell him Jared and I were no longer together. The logic? If Criss thought I was still with Jared, he was more apt to give up easier.

"Right," he nodded his head, taking my silence for an answer. "So you're fucking him now? I mean, you guys looked pretty cozy together, living in his house in LA. Going to his studio, helping him write his songs."

I snapped my head to look at him. I wasn't surprised he knew all of this, but I was surprised that he was taking this approach.

"Are you fucking him?" he waited for my response. I turned my head to stare out the window again. I wasn't sure how much longer I could play this game. Things were not going the way I expected them to. He was supposed to give up and leave, not get pissed off and fight more. He was only making it harder for me to do this, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could fight him off.

"Are you two fucking?" he demanded an answer. I was at my wits end. And I knew what I was about to say was only going to make it worse, but I was hoping it was the shove I needed. I snapped my head to him.

"Every fucking day! Most of the time 6 or 7 times a day. Give or take." I screamed. Criss' eyes widened as he stared me down. "And you know what? I love it! I enjoy every inch of him and every orgasm he gives me. I. Enjoy. It." By the time I was finished Criss was livid, and I already knew, I was in trouble.

He took a deep breath and tried to compose himself. "A simple yes would have done." he said between his clenched teeth. I shrugged and smiled at him.

He stared at me with an evil glare before flinging his door open and quickly making it to my side of the car. I thought the door was going to come off the hinges as he whipped my door open and yanked me out, slamming me against the car, my body pinned between his and the car.

"What are you trying to do? Do you want me to be jealous? Well guess what, I already am! The only reason Jareds still alive is because I know it would hurt you if I killed him!" he yelled. I shoved against him, pushing him off of me. He took a step back and stared at me, his eyes full of rage. I could feel myself getting angry, and that was never a good thing.

"What about you, you hypocrite? You've got that nice little bleach blonde tramp waiting for you at home, and yet here you are, trying to get back together with me." I snapped, shoving my finger into his chest. "Its bad enough you fucked me while you were with her!" I gasped and slapped my hands down onto my mouth. That was the problem I had, when I got angry, things came out of my mouth that I never meant to say, and that was one of them. I watched him wince at the mention of our rendezvous behind the club in LA.

"I'm not with her anymore!" he growled. I took a step back. He what? He wasn't with her anymore? Did I just hear him correctly? "That's right. I left her. Because I knew all I wanted was you. And she was never going to be able to replace you. No one can." I looked to the ground, suddenly feeling like the biggest pile of horse shit in existence. It didn't matter. None of it did. I wasn't going to be selfish. I couldn't go back to him, knowing he'd live a life of pain. I couldn't do it.

"Well I don't want to be with you anymore." I gulped, trying to shove down the pain. I wanted so badly to wrap my arms around him, tell him I was sorry, and just spend the day in his arms. But I knew we were too far gone for that to happen. Our relationship was shredded, and there was no gluing it back together. I turned to get back into the car but he grabbed my shoulders and pinned me back against the door.

"Running away again. All you do is run away Lana. You're scared, afraid to face your problems head on. Noooo." he laughed, "no, instead you run away, not caring who you hurt. Every time things went bad, you'd run. Hell, sometimes you'd run half way across the country. Well ya know what Lana? I'm not letting you run this time." he clenched his jaw. His nostrils flared as he took loud shallow breaths through his nose. Holy shit, he was pissed.

"But I think, just for today, it'd be best if you kept your distance. Because right now, I cant tell you what I'm capable of doing." he narrowed his eyes at me before side stepping me and walked to the drivers side door.

I leaned my leaned my head back against the car and took a deep breath. "Shit!" I muttered to myself. This plan completely backfired on me. And to be honest, I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep up this charade. Every second I spent with Criss was breaking down my wall. And I didn't know how much longer I was going to be able to hold myself back.


	38. Count on me

**Count on me**

* * *

_I know that life ain't always good to you,_

_I've seen exactly what its put you through,_

_thrown you around and turned you upside down,_

_And so you, you got to thinking there was no way out,_

_You started sinking and it pulled you down,_

_it may be tough you've get back up,_

_because you know that life ain't over yet,_

_I'm here for you so don't forget,_

_you can count on me cause I will carry you till you carry on,_

_Any time you need someone, somebody strong to lean on,_

_well you can count on me to hold you till that healing is done,_

_and every time you fall apart, you can hide here in my arms,_

_and you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone._

_Default – Count on me_

* * *

The wedding rehearsal yesterday was very chaotic. Criss and I were fighting, everyone could feel the tension in the air. Jo was a bridezilla, freaking out at every little thing. Sully was getting angry at Jo for yelling so much, and someone had managed to lose Jos flowers. Criss refused to even look at me the entire day. Hardly even acknowledged my presence. And when we walked down the isle together, his eyes stayed focused ahead of him and he kept his body as far away from mine as Jo would allow. I promised her I wouldn't let our relationship ruin her wedding, so I was trying my hardest to play nice.

We had managed to get everything set up, so by morning time, all we had to do was get ourselves and the bride ready. My moms yard was unrecognizable. With a section done up for the ceremony, and another part set for the reception. It was beautiful.

As I stood next to Jo, I tried hard to concentrate on my best friend. I was the maid of honor, so I was responsible for making sure everything went smoothly for Jo. But it was hard to concentrate on anything other than Criss. Standing across from me in his black suit, he looked ridiculously hott. It had been the first time I had ever seen him in a tux, and I wasn't ashamed to admit that the sight of him made me horny as hell.

I didn't know what had changed, after the rehearsal dinner yesterday, we went back to our rooms, and I hadn't talked to Criss since. But today, he couldn't take his eyes off of me. Criss seemed to be watching me more than he was the wedding. Which was making me nervous. Him staring me down combined with the way he looked in his tux, I was going to have an extremely hard time fending him off today.

After we took pictures and ate dinner, it was time for our speeches. I felt nervous. I was sure it had something to do with the fact that over a hundred eyes were on me. I wasn't really one for being the center of attention, and this was not helping. But it was my best friends wedding, and I had some very important things to say. I cleared my throat as everyone turned their attention to me.

"Ive known Jo for 13 years now and I can say, she is my best friend. She is a very loyal friend, always there when you need her, whether its a shoulder to cry on or a ride home. We grew up together, not from childhood, but we lived through one of the hardest times of any ones life, adolescence, and we helped each other grow into responsible adults." I looked down at Jo, who was already starting to tear up.

"There have been time of sadness, times of guilt, times of rage, and then there were those times of teenage fun. Everyone knows that Jo and I were hellions. We created a lot of ciaos. Most of it was her idea." Everyone laughed. "She was never afraid to rise to the occasion, whether it was skipping school, toilet papering the neighbors or stealing her moms car for a joy ride, she was up for it all." the room laughed.

"Jo Marie!" I heard her mom shout from across the room.

"You didn't tell her about that?" I laughed and turned to Jo, the room laughing along with me. Jo laughed and shook her head. "Sorry Sherry." I shouted across the room, making everyone laugh again.

"But in all seriousness, Jo is the best friend anyone could ever have. And I'm so very thankful I had her as my best friend. And I wish her all the happiness in the world, because she deserves it. And I know Sully is the man to make her happy." I turned to look at Jo, who was now full blown crying. "I love you guys. Congratulations Sully and Jo." I raised my glass and everyone raised theirs. I took a sip and almost spilled the rest as Jo wrapped her arms around me.

"I love you Lana." she sniffled. We took our seats and watched as Criss stood up.

"Ive known Sully for a long time. And one thing I know about Sully is he's very picky about his girlfriends. So when Sully told me he wanted to propose to Jo, I couldn't believe it. He said he had finally found the one, that she was the perfect girl for him. And she is. You can see it in their eyes, when they look at each other, the love is there, and its undeniable. And I have to admit, Jo is the only woman I have met that can keep Sully under control." Criss looked down at Sully and laughed, everyone laughed with him.

"Love isn't knowing everything about someone. Or even knowing someone for 15 years. You know what love really is? Its how that person makes you feel. How they can look at you, and suddenly they are the only person in existence. And when they stand beside you, you feel complete. And if you ever lost that person, your world as you know it would crumble. _That_ is love." I couldn't help but notice that Criss kept glancing at me. "And these two truly do love each other. And they are going to live a long and happy life together. So, to the happy couple." Criss raised his glass and took a sip. He looked stressed. His tie hung loosely around his neck and his jacket was missing. He reminded me of a CEO on a bad day. And I somehow felt guilty for his stress, knowing most of it was my fault.

I didn't know why, but I suddenly felt exposed. Embarrassed by Criss' speech. His eyes constantly flickering my way. I shuddered and tried to erase the thoughts. I was here for Jo and Sully, not Criss. And I was sticking to that.

I made my way to the bar and ordered a drink. I quickly drank it and then found my way to Jo, pulling her onto the dance floor with me. It was starting to get dark and the stars were already visible. The twinkling white lights that had been hung were now lit. It was so beautiful, the perfect wedding.

"Can we talk?" Criss asked coming up behind Jo and I. I looked up at him, unwilling to say yes. Jo nudged me and gave me a look, one that said 'just shut up and do it already'. Reluctantly I took his hand and he led me into the house, away from the party.

He pulled me behind him and guided me to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him, sitting me on the toilet and took a seat on the tub in front of me. He sat silently for a moment, staring at me. I looked down at the floor, not sure of what to do or say. He sighed heavily.

"What are we doing Lana?" he asked, his face twisted with pain.

"Criss, I told you, its over." I whispered, not daring to look him in the eyes.

"How can you just walk away from this? From us? When you know what we had was real? Does everything we've gone through mean nothing to you?" He asked calmly. I looked up at him, his eyes softening as he noticed the tears starting to swell.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore Criss." I finally confessed. He knelt down in front of me and wiped a tear from my cheek.

"Is that what this is all about?" he asked softly. "Lana, the only thing that's hurting me is not having you." I sniffled and wiped my tears with my palms and shook my head.

"We cant keep doing this. Too much damage has been done. Just let it go."

"You know I cant do that. We need to talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about." I stated, I stood up and walked towards to the door. He jumped up and spun me around to face him, keeping a tight grip on my shoulders.

"I'm not letting you get rid of me!" He said calmly, leaning down to look me in the eyes.

I twirled my arms around to knock his hands off my shoulders. I slammed my hands against his chest, pushing him backwards. He took a step back before he snatched my wrists and gripped them tightly, then pushed me against the bathroom door. I struggled against him, but there was no use, he was too strong for me.

"Why wont you just give up?" I shouted. I was starting to get very frustrated and I was confused. I didn't know what the right thing was anymore, and I couldn't even remember how we had gotten here.

"Because I love you!" he shouted back. He tightened his grip on me as I fought back, trying to push him away with everything I had.

"Let go of me!" I yelled.

"Not until you calm down." He said. I didn't want to do this. Not now, not ever. I didn't want to hurt him anymore. I didn't want to face everything I had done to him. After a few minutes of struggling I felt depleted of all my strength and I slumped back against the door, giving up.

"Feel better?" Criss asked with a hint of amusement. I sighed heavily and he loosened his grip. "Its okay Lana, it'll be okay."

"It wont be okay, don't you see? It'll never be okay!" Tears made their way down my face and my knees started to feel weak. I flung my hands over my face and fell to the floor, hugging my knees to my chest. Criss sat down beside me, wrapping his arms around me and pulled me into him. He stroked my hair as I sobbed. "I'm scared Criss. I don't know what to do." I whimpered.

"I'm scared too Lana. I'm scared of walking out of this room, and never feeling whole ever again." he said with strain in his voice. I looked up at him.

"I'm so sorry Criss. Ive put you through hell, and yet somehow, for some reason, you still love me." I told him. He smiled at me and wiped my tears with his thumb.

"I know we've been through a lot. More than a normal couple ever will be. But that's what makes us strong and that's why we shouldn't give up so easily. We're not perfect. Not you, not me. Maybe its our imperfections that make us so perfect for each other, I don't know. But what I do know is, that you're my soul mate. And soul mates cant live without the other. And I cant live one more day without you Lana. I miss you."

His words left me speechless. What do you say after something like that? He watched me carefully, thinking he wasn't getting through to me. But little did he realize, everything he just said, had won me over. He didn't need to say more. But I couldn't find my voice. I couldn't tell him.

"I love you, more than anyone in the world. I would do anything for you and I would give anything to have you back in my life, anything. I don't know what kind of man Ill be without you and I'm honestly scared to death to think of it. You are my world Lana, and those words I said out there, I was thinking of you when I said them."

He scooted over to sit in front of me, snuggling his way in between my legs. He held my hands and looked me in the eyes. I was still speechless.

"I want to marry you Lana. And today made me realize that even more. That should have been us. We should have been the ones up there, promising forever to each other. And I still want that. The only thing I want to do in this life, is marry you. Nothing else matters." he slid a ring onto my finger. I glanced down to see the most gorgeous ring ever made.

"I'm not saying its going to be easy. Its gonna be hard. We have a lot of things to work through. But what I am saying, is that Id rather be with you and do things the hard way, then take the easy way and give you up. You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry someone you cant live without. And I cant live without you Lana."

"Will you marry me?" he asked in a soft voice. Still unable to speak, I nodded my head and wrapped my arms around his neck and smashed my lips onto his, making him topple over. He landed on his back and I sprawled out on top of him. We laid on the ground for several minutes, just kissing and holding each other.

"What happened to the old ring?" I was finally able to ask. Criss smiled up at me.

"I got you a new one, for our new relationship. So we can start all over." He grabbed the back of my head and pulled my lips back to his.

"I love you Criss." I whispered, I finally felt complete.


	39. Dare you to move

**Dare you to move**

* * *

_Maybe redemption has stories to tell,_

_Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell,_

_Where can you run to escape from yourself?_

_Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go?_

_Salvation is here,_

_I dare you to move, I dare you to move,_

_I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,_

_I dare you to move,_

_I dare you to move like today never happened,_

_Like today never happened before._

_Switchfoot – Dare you to move_

* * *

"I'm taking you to the doctor in the morning." Criss warned me as he held my hair away from the toilet.

"Criss, I'm fine, its probably just the stomach flu. Besides, we leave tomorrow for New York, I don't want to ruin everything." I said weakly and leaned against the bathtub. Criss sat down next to me and handed me a wash cloth, the look on his face gave it all away. I wiped my mouth and took a deep breath. I knew exactly what he was thinking, and I couldn't say I wasn't thinking it myself.

"You don't think..." he asked in a quiet voice. I shook my head no.

"We were careful." I mumbled. I didn't really like reminding Criss of the fact that I had slept with Jared many times. Nor did I like remembering that both of us had sex lives while we were apart. But Jared and I were careful. After the last time, we didn't want any accidents so we used a condom every time.

"Well," Criss cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Either way, we need to make sure. The wedding is in two weeks and I want to make sure we wont have any, um, surprises." he interlocked his fingers and held them tightly between his knees. I hated this whole situation. We shouldn't be worrying about whether or not I was pregnant with another mans baby, again. We should be worrying about if I was pregnant with _our _baby. But no matter how much either of us hated it, we needed to get it over with.

Criss sighed heavily and looked over at me. "Feeling okay?" I could see the concern in his eyes, and at that moment, my heart ached for putting him through this. I nodded and he scooped me up into his arms. He took his time carrying me to the bedroom. I could feel the tension between us, not from the current dilemma, but from the sexual tension him and I were both feeling.

We had decided the night of Jos wedding, when I had finally given in to giving our relationship another try, that we weren't going to have sex until after our wedding, kind of a way of renewing our relationship. But it was becoming hard to sleep in the same bed. And I wondered how long it would be before one of us gave in.

Criss set me down onto the bed and slowly undressed me before pulling my night gown over my head. He stripped down into his boxers and crawled into bed next to me. If I wasn't feeling like my stomach was on fire, I would have given in at that very moment, ripped his boxers from him and rode him till the sun came up. I was sure Criss was feeling the same way, but this stupid stomach bug made that impossible. At least I hoped it was the flu.

Criss managed to get me the first available appointment at the doctors office the next morning. And we were both extremely relieved when the tests came back negative and the doctor concluded it was in fact the stomach flu. With strict orders to take it easy, but giving us the okay to fly to New York, we went directly from the doctors to the airport, and it wasn't long before I was perfectly at ease in my seat, snuggled closely to Criss with his arms holding me close.

* * *

"This is insane." I squealed happily as Criss and I walked down the streets of times square. I felt just like they did in the movies, walking down the street, staring upwards at all the buildings, twirling in circles with amazement. I had never seen anything like it. Vegas was so different. New York was a busy city. Bumper to bumper traffic, cars honking their horns at other drivers, some of them angry at all the construction. I laughed to myself at that, if this half a mile construction made them mad, they wouldn't make it in Michigan.

Crowds of people scurried by as they walked to work in a hurry. Everyone so caught up in their own worlds that they didn't even notice Criss and I. If anything they seemed annoyed at our pace. Some people walking past had back packs, some had cameras, and some just wanted to get to their next destination. I stopped in front of the hard rock cafe and stared. I couldn't believe that I was standing in front of hard rock cafe, in New York. Never in my dreams had I thought I would be here someday, especially with Criss Angel by my side, as my fiance.

"Well, I got to see everything from your home town, it was my turn to show you mine." Criss smiled down at me.

"Two people, from two complete different worlds." I laughed as I strained my neck in attempt to see the top of the building. I glanced sideways at him, my heart instantly melted when I caught sight of his sexy grin that I loved so much. God! He made it impossible to be good. He kissed my forehead and pulled me closer to him. I took my gaze away from the building and smiled up at him.

"How in the hell did we end up together?" I laughed. He kissed the top of my head and chuckled.

"Fate." he smiled and began to drag me with him as he walked down the side walk. I watched him as we walked and I couldn't help it, at that moment all I could think about was getting him back to the hotel and banging the shit out of him. But with our commitment to stay abstinent until the wedding, I had to think long and hard about how I would get him to give in. I had waited long enough, and I didn't think I could wait another two weeks. But with how stubborn Criss could be, I had to think of something good, something that I knew he couldn't say no to.

"What are you thinking about?" Criss asked me, pulling me out of my plot to get him into bed. I looked up at him innocently, hoping he wouldn't catch on to my scheme.

"Huh?" I asked.

"I hear those gears turning, what are you concocting?" he lifted his eyebrow in suspicion. I shook my head.

"Nothing, I'm just thinking, of how, um, how beautiful this city is. I cant believe you grew up here."

He smiled. "Well, I didn't grow up _here_, I grew up in East Meadow, on the other side of the Brooklyn bridge, but that's besides the point. Don't try to change the subject. What are you thinking?"

I giggled. "Honestly, nothing." I nudged his shoulder.

He looked down at his watch and his smile disappeared. "You're lucky we don't have time to argue about this," he grinned, "we really should go." I frowned up at him.

"Oh come on, fashionably late." I whined trying to give him my best puppy dog look. He smiled and shook his head.

"I don't think its a smart idea to be late for the show. I promise we will come back tomorrow." he chuckled at me as he pulled me down the street.

"Alright." I huffed in defeat and reluctantly walked with him.

* * *

"So I hear you're getting married in two weeks?" My attention snapped to the small television in the corner or the room. Criss sat staring at the audience, not sure what to say. David Letterman waited patiently for an answer to his question. I was sure Criss was thinking the same thing I was. How the hell did he know about our wedding? Everyone knew we were engaged, but we were pretty sure that we kept the specifics secret from the public. Criss cleared his throat and crossed his legs, a clear sign that he was nervous.

"Um, yea, I'm getting married to the love of my life, Lana Lovegrove." Criss finally answered. The audience hooted and cheered loudly. Well, at least I wasn't hated by everyone.

"Congratulations." David Letterman said over the loud crowd. "So where are you thinking about getting married? In Las Vegas?" he asked Criss once the room was quiet enough. Criss shifted uncomfortably in his seat. This was one of the things we were worried about when David asked him to be on the show. Neither of us wanted the public to know anything about the wedding. But of course, Criss told me not to worry about it.

"Well, its kind of a private thing, specifically for close friends and family." he answered.

"I get it, I understand." David shook his head. I sighed with relief.

"Now you brought her with you today right?" David asked and smiled at him. "Do you mind if we bring her out here?" My stomach hit the floor. Just then the door to the guest room opened and the petite blonde from the front desk popped her head in.

"Sweetie, they're calling for you." she smiled and stepped in front of the door, propping it open for me. I sighed heavily, I was going to kill Criss for putting me on the spot like this. I set the magazine I held aside and walked to the stage. The crowd cheered as I approached the stage and walked to give David a hug then took my seat next to Criss. He placed his hand on my knee and gave me an apologetic look, he knew he was in trouble.

"So, Lana, I hear you're quite the dancer." David asked. I had a feeling that this was going to be the longest night of my life.


	40. Deep inside of you

**Deep inside of you**

* * *

_Slide up her dress shouts in darkness,_

_I'm so alive,_

_I'm deep inside of you,_

_You said boy made girl feel good,_

_But still, deep inside, still._

_Third Eye Blind - Deep inside of you_

* * *

**CPOV**

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" I asked Lana as I took off all my jewelry and put them in their rightful places. I wiggled out of my jeans and plopped down on the couch, propping my feet up onto the coffee table. I knew she was pissed for me bringing her out onto the set, but it wasn't like she didn't have a good time, teaching David Letterman how to dance. It was quite amusing actually. But I was pretty sure Lana didn't appreciate having to be on national television. She was never really one for the spot light. Yea, she took it pretty well when she had to, but if she could avoid it, she would.

I patted the couch and looked up at her. "Join me?" I asked. She was pissed, with the typical pissy woman stance, her hands on her hips, staring down at me. "Okay, I said I was sorry, what can I do to make up for it?" I finally asked. I had been trying all night to make up for it, but she wasn't having it.

She didn't say anything before she walked to the bedroom. A few minutes later she was walking slowly towards the couch, fidgeting with a pair of handcuffs and a huge grin on her face.

"Uh, what are those for?" I questioned looking up at her.

"Well, you asked how you could make up for it. This is how." she said with a crooked grin. I cocked my eyebrow at her, wondering what she was up to. "I wanna see if you're as good as they say you are." She grinned down at me.

"What the hell are you doing with a pair of handcuffs? Do you take those with us whenever we leave town?" I teased.

"Give me your wrists." she laughed.

"What?"

"Well, I know you pick your way out of cuffs by hiding a pick in your clothes or boots or something. And since all you have on now is boxers, you cant possibly be hiding a pick anywhere. I want to see if you can get out of these without a pick. Which by the way, these are real." She bent down so we were eye to eye. "No bullshit." She quoted me from my show and stood back up, grinning at me. I sat forward quickly and slapped both of my hands on each side of her hips and pulled her down on top of me.

"Do your worst."

She placed the handcuffs on both of my wrists, making sure they were nice and tight. "Fair?" She quoted again. I chuckled and nodded. "Now, since you have no devices to get these off, I'm giving you five minutes. And plenty of distraction." I looked at her confused. She looked at her phone and then placed it down. "Go."

She stood up and pulled me with her. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"I forgot to mention. Ill be the distraction." She smashed her mouth to mine. I raised an eyebrow amused and kissed her back, matching her roughness.

I struggled against the handcuffs. She slid her hands inside my boxers and started to massage me, making me shiver from head to toe. She hooked her fingers around the band of my boxers and started to tug. I broke the kiss before she could pull them down.

"Oh no you don't!" I took a step back and looked at her. "Angel, we only have two weeks left." Although I had been holding myself back fairly well, I could feel myself starting to slip recently. I wanted to, so badly, but I was going to hold my ground.

"Oh just shut up with your moral bullshit already!" She yelled as she pulled my lips back into hers. She slipped her way in between my cuffed arms and kissed me harder. I didn't know how much more I could take. I was already on the edge of giving in. This was too much, and if I didn't stop it now, I would give in! She moved her hands back to my boxers and starting rubbing her fingers along my waist line.

I returned her kiss, harder than she expected. I moved my hand cuffed hands up to her head and pushed her lips harder into mine. I felt her start to tug at my boxers again, then moving her hands inside, once again massaging my already rock hard dick, making me moan. I pushed her backwards until she was up against the wall. She pulled away for some air and it hit me.

"No! We cant do this!" I said breathless.

"Oh yes we can! And we will!" She responded back. Before I knew it I was completely naked. I pulled my arms over her head and took a step back.

"Babe, this isn't right." I struggled with the cuffs trying to get them off to give myself a fighting chance. They weren't budging.

"But it isn't wrong either." She grinned.

She had the sexiest determination on her face, with a hint of evil intent. It sent chills down my spine, and I instantly knew that this was a battle that I was not going to win.

The next thing I knew I was up against the wall. She had slid herself back in between my handcuffed arms and licked my lower lip. Making her way to my ear she whispered "You've got three minutes left."

She jumped up wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. I caught her bottom out of instinct, making the metal cut into my skin. Then she smashed her lips into mine again. I slid us down the wall so I was sitting on the floor and she was straddling my lap. I groaned when I noticed her lack of underwear.

She started to move her hips, sliding up and down on top of me. I could feel her wetness as I slid in between her lips. It felt so good that I let out a little moan. She grinned at me and moved up and down more and more, making me moan with every slide of her hips. She lifted her hips higher so she could position me at her opening and moved down, letting only my tip enter her and making me groan loudly. All too soon she pulled me out and sat back down.

"Oh my god! You're driving me crazy!" I yelled with aggravation.

"You know you like it." She teased.

"A little too..." She moved her hips up again and let my tip enter again, catching me off guard. "Much." I choked. She lifted up again, letting my dick fall back down and slid her moisture down my shaft again.

Moving up to my lips she let her tongue explore my mouth. She lifted her hips again and slid my tip back in. I moaned into her mouth and held my breathe, trying to keep a grip. She released my mouth, moved to my ear and whispered, "one minute thirty." I had completely forgotten about the cuffs.

She lifted back up and instead of pulling me out like before, she sank down until I was completely filling her. Letting out a loud groan I squeezed onto her butt and tried to bite my tongue. She threw her head back as I bottomed out inside of her, and she let out a cry of pleasure. She moved her hips back up and slammed them back down, forcing all of me to go deep inside, she let out another cry.

"Oh my god Lana! You're driving me crazy!" I screamed as I dug my fingers harder into her bottom and squeezed.  
I heard her chuckle as she rode me very slowly.

I could feel my climax coming up quickly. My grip on her butt tightened and my groans only got louder and faster  
Then just like that, she pulled me out. I sat there with my jaw wide open, in shock. She looked at me with a big grin on her face.

"Ooooh hell no! That's it!" I yelled. I hadn't even realized I had gotten the handcuffs off as I ripped her dress over her head and flipped her onto her back. Laying her down on the floor I eased myself on top of her, holding my body up with my elbows. "You did this, not me, remember that." I teased as I started to attack her neck.

"Is that a threat?" She flashed me a grin. Two can play at this game, I thought. I slapped the handcuffs onto her wrists before she could protest.

"Oh, I don't make threats, only promises." I grinned back.

"No... that is so not fair! How in the hell did you do that? Those were supposed to be on you, not me!" She argued.

"Mindfreak, remember?" I grinned.

I grabbed her handcuffed wrists and pinned them above her head before I went at her neck harder, making my way to her collar bone and then her breasts. She moaned and bit her lip, trying to hush her enjoyment. She struggled against my grip, trying to get loose from the cuffs. I looked up at her and smiled. She returned my gaze with heavy desire in her stare.

I went back to her neck. With my knees I pushed her legs farther apart, then took the head of my dick and placed it against her opening, slowly pushing it in but just as she did me, only letting the tip enter. She let out a loud gasp. I could feel her wetness, I could feel her pulsating with arousal and anticipation, and I could hear every whimper and moan she let out. She wanted it. Bad. I pulled back out and adjusted to make room for my fingers, pushed two inside of her and began to message.

With my fingers still inside I pushed my head back in, matching the thrusts of my fingers. She let out a loud moan and started moving her hips with my rhythm. Her nails were digging into her own palms and she arched her back, pulling me even further into her. I slid in and out a few more times, making her whimpers louder, and then I pulled out.

She looked at me with a look of evil. "What the hell?" She demanded.

"Pay backs a bitch." I teased as I moved down to give her a hot and steamy kiss.

"You're an ass." She stated as I pulled my mouth away. "You are unbelievably good, but still an ass!"

"Hey, you started this!" I laughed. I stared into her eyes for a moment. Seeing the desire and arousal I kissed her a quick kiss then sat up, pulling her up with me. She looked beyond pissed. I stood up and threw her over my shoulder. She started kicking and yelling. "Criss what the hell are you doing?" She struggled to get down.

"You'll see." I responded, carrying her like a sack of potatoes, and headed to the bedroom. I strolled to the foot of the bed and lightly tossed her onto it. She laid there, completely naked, wrists bound by metal. I stood above her at the end of the bed admiring the beautiful woman I was lucky enough to be marrying. I walked to my suitcase and pulled out a safety pin. I straddled her hips, unlocked the cuffs and wrapped the cuffs around the head board. I snapped them back into place on her wrists before she could get away. I slide back down her and positioned my hips on top of her again. She glared at me.

"Alright, lets have it. I know I deserve what I get." She said in defeat.

I laughed and kissed her passionately. Not breaking the kiss I pushed two fingers inside of her again. She instantly pulled her legs further apart. Meeting her hips demands I slid my knees farther apart as well. I curled my fingers upwards, hitting her g-spot. She moaned loudly inside my mouth and arched her whole body. I broke away so she could get some air and she was instantly moaning loudly.

"Oh my god Criss!" She yelled. I loved hearing her scream my name. The headboard protested as she pulled down on the handcuffs. I smiled to myself and pulled my fingers out. She looked up at me with evil in her eyes.

"I just have one question." I grinned.

"Don't you dare!" she frowned, knowing perfectly well what I was about to say. I leaned down so my mouth was by her ear.

"Are you ready?" I whispered. I felt her quiver and before she could respond I slammed my dick into her. She threw her head back and let out a loud squeal and screamed my name. I pulled out an inch and slid back in.

"Baby, you have no idea what it does to me hearing you call out my name." I kissed her hard, slipping my tongue inside her mouth. She rocked her hips along with me. Screaming moans into my mouth, I lifted my head and went back to teasing her neck. With every thrust she moaned louder, until she was eventually screaming and at that moment, I felt really bad for whoever was in the hotel room next to us. I pulled my head away and stared at her, watching the pleasure on her face as I slammed into her harder.

"Oh my god Criss! Don't stop! I'm almost there!" She yelled breathlessly. I pulled out all the way and quickly slid back in, making sure I hit her clit on the way in, making her scream like I had never heard before. The harder I thrusted the louder she screamed. The louder she screamed the harder I thrusted.

It didn't take long before she was screaming so loud that it was hurting my ears. She wrapped her legs around me and arched her back. The headboard rattled with protest as she gripped it tightly. Suddenly the screams stopped and her body tightened around me. Her muscles clenched around my dick, almost sending me over the edge along with her. I thrusted harder and faster, making her body twitch with every movement.

"Oh my god! Uhhh... Criss!" She screamed with utter pleasure as she came as hard as I had ever seen. I couldn't take it anymore. I gave one last hard thrust and spilled my cum inside of her. I thrusted through my orgasm until I could no longer move.

Sweaty, hot and breathing like we just ran a marathon I fell down on top of her. I grabbed the safety pin, reached over her head and unlocked the hand cuffs. She instantly wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a kiss. The movement of our bodies make me wince. Feeling a little sensitive now, movement was too much. Even too much to pull out.

When we finally broke she looked up at me. "Thank you baby! I needed that." She pecked my lips again and I smiled. "And I guess you are just that good, you got out of the cuffs in under five." She smiled.

"Well I did have motivation," I smiled at her. "Besides, You knew I would, you had this planned all along, put me in cuffs and give yourself enough time to seduce me before I got out, knowing that I wouldn't be able to stop myself once I was free. Touche." I told her. She grinned at me. She was to sexy for her own good sometimes! "And, I think I just proved that magic and illusions aren't the only thing I'm good at." I winked at her.

"Ill say! Maybe even as bold to say magic is your second best."

I couldn't help but grin at that one. I pecked her lips one last time.

"So much for waiting until after the wedding." I glared at her.

"Eh, abstinence is over rated." she shrugged and giggled. I shook my head at her and grinned.

"I love you Lana."

"I love you too Criss." I rolled to the side, keeping Lana interlocked with me, and it wasn't long before both of us were fast asleep.

* * *

_A/N: Figured since you guys had to wait so long lately that Id give you a nice steamy chapter :)_


	41. Paradise

**Paradise**

* * *

_Life goes on, it gets so heavy,_

_The wheel breaks the butterfly,_

_Every tear a waterfall,_

_In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes,_

_In the night the stormy night away she'd fly,_

_And dream of para para paradise._

_Coldplay - Paradise_

* * *

"Bullshit." I glared at Criss as he glared back at me. He shook his head, leaned forward and slapped his hand on top of the cards that sat in the middle of the table. He stared me down as he slid the cards across the table and placed them into his hand. He slumped back into his seat and continued to stare at me. I flashed him a grin and turned to Costa, who sat to the left of Criss.

The crickets were chirping loudly behind me, taking my focus away from the game. It was such a nice night. I had never been in New York, let alone on a beautiful summer night like this one. As we all sat at the table on the patio, the breeze was warm, the crickets chirped and the stars twinkled above us. The porch lights reflected on the pool water, making the back yard illuminate a beautiful blue. And on a night such as this one, I couldn't think of a better way to spend it, then to be sitting with my family, playing cards. I was in paradise, right where I wanted to be.

"Three kings." Costa said and placed his cards onto the table.

"Bullshit." Criss called. Costa mumbled incoherently as he slapped his hands onto the deck, making the three of us laugh at his anger, he was always taking card games too seriously. Pulling the cards to him, he placed them into his hand and grimaced at his growing pile of cards.

"One ace." JD said. He looked around the table, daring someone to bullshit him.

"Three Twos." I said and placed my cards down. Everyone looked at their cards for a moment. Criss narrowed his eyes as he stared at me. I held my chin up high and smiled at him. He frowned and looked back to his cards.

"Three threes." Criss said, slapping his cards down onto the pile. He glared over at me, trying to bluff me into thinking he was telling the truth. I knew better.

"Bullshit." I said calmly, staring down at my cards.

"What?" Criss asked in astonishment.

"I said bullshit." I grinned at him. He bit down on his lip, slapped the pile and dragged the cards toward him. He flipped through them, trying to organize them into his cards.

"You little liar!" Criss snapped suddenly and glared at me with a grin. "A six, a five and a two. Three twos my ass." he shook his head and chuckled.

"Hey, don't hate because your little mind tricks don't work on me." I stuck my tongue out at him and leaned back in my chair. I heard JD and Costa chuckle, both trying to hush their laughs when Criss' eyes fell onto them.

"Ya know Criss, I think shes taking over your job tittle as mindfreak." JD laughed.

"You're not helping." Criss told them, attempting and failing to look serious. Costa held his palms up and JD sat back in his chair, both deciding to remain silent. Criss swung his body back towards me and leaned in close, resting his arms on his knees.

"I'm gonna show you mind trick if you keep it up." he threatened. I grinned at him and leaned towards him so our faces were inches apart.

"Bring it on." I whispered. He flexed his jaw and his eyes sliced into me.

"Be careful." he warned me.

"Or what? You aren't gonna do anything, I know when you're bluffing. I can tell when you're lying, and you _can't_ tell when I'm lying. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Mindfreak." I teased him. He glared at me as he chewed on his lower lip.

Costa and JD sat silently and watched us. Criss leaned back in his chair, his eyes fixated on me, he was clearly plotting something, something I wasn't going to like. I slowly pushed my chair away from the table and started to stand up, holding my hand out in front of me for protection.

"I don't know what you're thinking, but you better even not." I warned him and watched as a grin finally appeared on his face. He rose from his seat and took a step toward me. I backed away slowly. "Criss, no."

The next thing I knew I was in a full sprint with him quickly on my heels. I wasn't fast enough. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and suddenly I was sailing through the air. I realized what happened when I was staring up at Criss through clear blue water. That asshole had thrown me into the pool. My eyes stung and I quickly shut them before my contacts came out. I broke the surface and took a huge gulp of air.

"Christopher!" I heard Dimitra gasp as she walked onto the back porch.

"Oh my god! Criss!" I yelled playfully. "You jerk!"

"You told me to bring it on, so I did." He laughed as he watched me swim to the side. I reached out for him to take my hand and help me out. He held out his hand for me. Of course I couldn't resist. I grabbed his hand, placed my feet against the pool side and pulled him down with me. Everyone starting laughing as Criss hit the water. I looked down into the water waiting for him to come back up. When he didn't resurface I started to panic.

"Criss?" I yelled hoping he could hear me. I half expected to feel him grab my feet and pull me under. But when that didn't happen I really started to worry. I looked under my feet a searched for him.

"Very funny Criss!" I yelled down to him once I caught a glimpse of his dark sweat shirt. I propped my chin up onto the cement and waited for him to give up his prank. I knew he was fine. He could hold his breath for over six minutes. There was no way he was really drowning, was there? I sat there for a moment still waiting.

"Its not funny anymore Criss! Seriously!" I yelled and looked back under me again. Maybe I hurt him when I pulled him in. Maybe he hit his head? Or maybe he didn't have enough warning before he hit the water, maybe he breathed in water like he did at the silverton.

"Criss? Oh my god! Criss!" I yelled as I noticed him sinking to the bottom of the pool. "JD help!" I yelled before I dove under. I quickly snagged him from under his arms and kicked for the surface. I resurfaced and saw Costa and JD standing by the side. They heaved him from the water and laid him on the ground. I quickly jumped out of the pool and ran to his side. He was still and wasn't breathing.

"Criss! Wake up!" I panicked. "Criss!" I shook him violently but he didn't budge.

I couldn't wait any longer. I placed my mouth on his and started to begin cpr. Just as my mouth touched his he flung his hand to the back of my head and he pushed my mouth harder to his, strapping me into a kiss. I smacked his chest and yanked away.

"What the hell?" I yelled, noticing that Criss was laughing. I looked up to see JD and Costa standing next to each other laughing, even Dimitra stood on the porch and laughed. The joke was on me.

"Gotcha!" Criss grinned at me. I smacked his chest again.

"You asshole!" I yelled. Everyone was still laughing. I tried biting my lip to stop from smiling but I couldn't hold it back.

"I love you." Criss whispered as he stared up at me. He snagged my neck and pulled me into a kiss.

"I hate you!" I snarled. He smiled widely, pecking me on the lips again.

"No you don't, other wise we wouldn't be getting married in a week." he grinned up at me. I stared down at him, contemplating whether or not I wanted to throw him back into the pool.

"Come on, lets get you some towels." Dimitra called and turned to head into the house. I helped Criss up off the ground and smacked him in the stomach. He jumped back trying to dodge me and laughed.

"Cmon babe, it was just a joke." He chuckled and wrapped his arm around me, leading the way to the house.

"Oh don't think this is over, I will have my revenge!" I warned him. He chuckled and leaned down to whisper into my ear.

"I'm looking forward to it." he smiled and kissed me on the temple. He led me through the back door and came to a sudden halt when we reached the stairs, his face as white as a ghost and his jaw hit the floor. I followed his gaze to the front door.

"Joanne? What the hell are you doing here?" Criss finally asked. That was when I realized, I instinctively became jealous of the tall blonde in front of me, jealous of the woman who married Criss so long ago. Her eyes scanned me quickly before she glared at Criss. I could have punched her in the jaw just for looking at me, let alone being in my soon to be mother in laws house, where she had no right to be.

"I need to talk to you." she stuttered. Criss' arms tightened around me, letting Joanne know I wasn't going anywhere. Joanne noticed his gesture and sighed. "_Al__one_." she insisted, her body completely tense and she looked as if whatever she needed to tell him was very important.

"Whatever you have to say, you can say in front of Lana. We don't have secrets." Criss spat at her, and for some reason, I got the impression that his words had more meaning behind them than I understood. I wasn't worried about Criss being alone with Joanne. I knew the story between them, and I knew that Criss had absolutely no interest in her anymore. And I also knew that Joanne was remarried and was living the life she always wanted. However, I was curious as to what was so important that she couldn't say in front of me. Joanne stared at Criss and sighed. I knew she wasn't going to say anything as long as I was in the room. I eased away from Criss' grip, not making it very far before he snatched me back into his arms.

"You stay right here angel." he whispered in a demanding tone. I looked up at him and tried to put on my best brave face.

"I'm not here to cause trouble, I promise, but Criss there is something you should know." Joanne spoke up.

"Baby, its fine, Joanne obviously needs to talk to you and its none of my business. I need to change anyways. Ill give you two some privacy." I told him.

"Its nothing against you Lana. Its just.. something you shouldnt hear, not from me anyways." she said in a quiet voice.

Criss glared down at me, his face very easy to read. I stood on my tippy toes and kissed him quickly. His eyes narrowed at me as I pulled away from him to leave the room. It was funny, I wasn't worried one bit about Joannes intentions, and Criss looked terrified to be left alone with her.


	42. Her diamonds

**Her diamonds  
**

* * *

_She sits down and stares into the distance,  
_

_And it takes all night,  
_

_And I know I could break her concentration,  
_

_But it don't feel right,  
_

_By the light of the moon she rubs her eyes,  
_

_Sits down on the bed and starts to cry,  
_

_And there's something less about her,  
_

_And I don't know what I'm supposed to do,  
_

_So I sit down and I cry too,  
_

_But don't let her see._

_Rob Thomas - Her diamonds.  
_

* * *

"I don't give a fuck Joanne! I told you to stay out of this!" Criss' shouted, waking me up from my sleep. I looked around the room, confused for a moment. I must have fallen asleep in the spare room. I wondered how long Id been sleeping. It couldn't have been that long, Criss was still talking to Joanne, more like screaming at.

I heard Joannes voice but couldn't make out what was being said. I always tried to mind my own business, but this time I couldn't stop myself before I was creeping down the hallway. I stopped on the top step of the stairs and took a seat, crunching up to the railing in hopes I wouldn't be seen.

"What did you hope to achieve from this? Huh? I'm already aware of the facts and I cant do anything about it. So what? You came here to rub it in? Is that it?" Criss spat. He was angry, and I wondered what she could have said to piss him off that much. I thought I was the only one that could piss him off to that extent, the only one who got to hear that anger, the anger that made your tears spill without even knowing.

"Criss, I understand the predicament you're in,"

"Like hell you do! You wouldn't know the first thing about it! Look at you, in your cozy home with your husband and your millions you took from me. You don't know a fucking thing!" Criss cut her off.

"Criss, you know I don't mean any harm. You and I were over a long time ago. I just thought you should know. Lana's a wonderful woman and I wouldn't want to see anything happen to her." Joanne said softly.

"Bullshit." Criss laughed. "Bullshit! You practically begged me not to get married to Holly. There's only one person in this world you care about Joanne, you. And if you want something, you don't care who gets destroyed in the process. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you're involved in all of this! You never liked Lana, so why are you here?"

"I cant believe you would say that! You know me better than that Criss. I would never be involved in something like this, especially involving you and Lana. And as for Holly, that was a long time ago. I was angry and stupid, and I didn't have a clue about what I wanted. I'm married now and I'm happy. This was nothing more than a heads up."

"Consider myself warned, now could you please get the fuck out of my mothers house?" Criss gritted through his teeth.

"Ya know, I understand that we've had a difficult past, and we both have done things extremely cruel to one another. But I think its time that you get over that Criss. I wish you and Lana nothing but the best, and I hope everything turns out okay." Joanne said before the door opened and closed.

Criss blew out a loud breath and walked into my view. I moved closer to the railing trying to stay hidden. He ran his hands through his hair and plopped down onto the bottom step. I didn't know what they were talking about, but I could tell that it had shaken Criss pretty badly. At that point, watching his stress, I didn't care if he knew I was listening, I needed to go to him. I stood up and walked down the stairs, sitting down beside him and wrapping my arms around him. He looked over at me, his eyes red, as if he was on the verge of crying.

"You heard?" he asked in a quiet voice.

"Some." I nodded.

"I just don't know what to do anymore." he choked and smashed his face into my chest. We sat on the stairs for a while before either of us spoke. Dimitra, Costa and JD must have heard the yelling because they all stayed outside, putting on the charade that they were enjoying family time and didn't hear any of it. We made our way up to the spare room before we decided to discuss what had just happened.

"How much did you hear?" Criss asked once I was settled on the bed. I leaned against the wall and pulled my knees into my chest. Criss hooked his fingers together behind his head and paced back and forth as he stared up at the ceiling.

"Enough to know that you need to take it easy on her. Whatever she came here for, she obviously meant no harm." I defended Joanne. I didn't know why, I never really liked her. After I heard how she treated Criss during their divorce I pretty much hated her. But for some reason, at that moment, I was sympathetic to her. She sounded like she truly cared about whatever they had discussed. Criss looked at me through the corner of his eye sarcastically and kept pacing. I got the hint.

"Just that it was something to do with me. I only heard the last 2 minutes or so." I confessed. He nodded and leaned back against the wall, staring at the ceiling, presumably thinking of an easy way to tell me whatever bad news was about to come my way. He sighed heavily and looked back at me.

"Joanne thinks she possibly found out who could be sending you those letters." He finally said. My heart skipped a beat. I had almost forgotten about the letters. I had been so wrapped up with the wedding, and being happy that I finally had Criss back, that I had forgotten all about it. The last time I received a letter was the week that Criss and I got back to serenity after Jo and Sullys wedding. The letter at that time didn't even bother me. I was so use to getting them and nothing happening, that it just didn't scare me anymore.

_I told you to stay away from him and you didn't. Don't think for one second that I'm going to let him marry you bitch! Consider yourself as good as dead._

I shivered as the words played through my head. And now Joanne thought she knew who? What the hell was going on? Since when did Joanne have a part to play in this? Criss' words rang through my head. 'I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you're involved in all of this'. I found myself wondering if she really could have a part to play in this. After all, how in the world would she find out about this?

"Who?" I asked keeping my eyes on the bed.

Criss sighed. "Cindy Moore."

I snapped my head up to look at him in surprise. "Cindy Moore? The reporter? I thought you said she was cleared a long time ago."

"She was, but apparently shes not too bright and made a slip, bragging to someone that she was the one who wrote the letters."

"So, do you think its her?" I asked. Criss ran his hands down his face and blew out a breath.

"I doubt it, she's probably just running her mouth. She may have something to do with it, but I highly doubt shes the one sending the letters." he explained. He looked down at the floor and grew quiet. Neither of us spoke for a while, both of us trying to wrap our heads around things, trying to figure out what could be done.

"I'm so sorry Lana." he said quietly and took a seat next to me on the bed. "You shouldn't be going through this." He was right, I shouldn't be going through it, no one should be, but I was, we were, and we just had to deal with it. But for some unknown reason, I wasn't really worried. Nothing had happened besides the letters. At first they felt like threats, now they just seemed like empty threats. We had more important things to think about at that moment, the wedding. And that was when I made up my mind.

I leaned my head onto his shoulder. "Criss," I sighed, "lets just not worry about it okay?" he looked at me puzzled. "We're getting married next week. And then we have our honey moon. Lets just focus on that right now and deal with all this later, okay?"

Criss kissed the top of my head and sighed. "Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away."

"I know, I just want to focus on one thing at a time. Right now the most important thing is the wedding, if this, _stalker business_, comes up along the way then we'll deal with it, but until then the only thing that matters is marrying you." I hugged myself closer to him. He chuckled and leaned his head on top of mine.

"No, the most important thing is _me_ marrying _you_." he kissed my cheek. I had made up my mind to focus on the wedding. But I knew Criss, and I knew he wasn't going to leave it alone, not until things were finished.

* * *

**CPOV**

"Lana? Wheres my fiancee?" I shouted as I fought my way through a large crowd of spectators. I slipped easily past an officer who was trying to control the growing crowd. The red and blue lights flashed, making my head spin. I was in a frantic state, searching for Lana. Ambulances, cop cars and firetrucks lined the road. Scattered all through the intersection were pieces of metal, parts that once belonged to cars. Off to the right was an over turned van resting on its side. Sparks flew into the air as the firemen worked quickly to get the trapped family out.

The crowd of people was growing by the second. Some people were crying, some gawking, and some with blank faces, not sure what to think or what was happening. A couple of teenagers sat on the curb off to the side, looking a little ruffed up and dirty but not injured, they were wrapped up in blankets and their eyes were full of worry as they watched the firemen work.

Next to the van laid a blue focus, or the remains of what use to be. And next to that was the rental Lana and I had gotten from the airport. It rested on its hood, all the glass had been shattered, sprawled out all over the pavement. The hood was half the size it once was and the passenger side door had been smashed in. It was in bad shape, bad enough that at first glance, you would assume the person driving would be dead. There was no one inside. I felt myself beginning to panic as I searched for her, my brain running through every possibly scenario, every one of them not good. And at that moment, I silently prayed to god that she was okay.

"Its only four miles from here, come on, please Criss, just let me take the mustang to the store." I could hear Lanas voice in my head."Ive never driven in new york and I wanna drive the mustang." I could picture her puppy dog eyes she gave me. After listening to her beg, and repeatedly refusing to let me take her, I finally gave in. She promised to call if she got lost or if anything happened, after all, I knew the neighborhood I grew up in was perfectly safe. Never did I expect something like this.

Why did I let her go? And why did I let her talk me into renting that stupid mustang? Had she been in a hummer or something big like I wanted, she would be perfectly fine. The moment I heard the screeching tires two blocks from my mothers house, I knew. I knew it was Lana, something bad had happened to her, I felt it in my core.

I ran through the streets, dodging police officers and medics, searching for her. My heart sank when I finally spotted her, sitting on the back of an open ambulance and holding a white cloth to her forehead. I ran to her as fast as I could. Her short legs dangled from the vehicle and her eyes stared off into space. She was completely oblivious to the ciaos around her, like she was in her own little world. Her arms were cut up and her clothes torn, she was dirty from head to toe and at the sight of her I hated myself for letting her leave

"Lana!" I shouted when I finally reached her. "What the hell happened? Are you okay?" I asked her. She didn't respond, just continued to stare. The paramedic jumped from the rig and stood in front of her, hardly noticing I was there. Lanas attention snapped to her arm and she hissed when the medic rubbed a small cotton ball over her cuts. "Is she gonna be okay?" I asked the medic.

"She'll be fine. A bump on the head and some minor cuts and bruising. Shes lucky, considering." he looked over towards the crumpled up mustang, looked at me with horror and surprise in his eyes, and then turned back to Lana. "You got an angel with ya kid." he told her, shaking his head. He pulled the cloth away from her forehead and stuck a large band aid on the cut by her hair line.

"It wont require stitches but you need to keep an eye on the bleeding. If you get a sudden and severe headache, nausea or vomiting, you need to go to emergency, could be a sign of a concussion, got it?" he bent down to look Lana in the eyes. She nodded her head and he patted her on the knee. "You're gonna be okay kid." he grabbed me by the elbow and gently led me to the side of the ambulance, out of sight from Lana, which made me very uneasy, I wanted to keep her in my sight for the rest of my life after this incident.

"Are you her husband?" he asked me. I nodded, too shaken to correct him. "She needs to be watched, very carefully." he noticed my confused look and began to explain. "She hit her head on the drivers window when the vehicle rolled. I need you to keep an eye on her. If she starts showing any symptoms of a brain injury, take her to the emergency room immediately. She seems to be fine, this is more of a better safe than sorry." he explained as he handed me a piece of paper. "This has a list of things to watch out for."

"Thanks." I said slowly, not sure of what else to say. He nodded to me before he ran off to help the firefighters who had just finished pulling out the last person in the van. I quickly made my way back to Lana, not wanting to leave her alone a second longer than necessary.

"What happened?" I asked her but got no response, she stared down at the ground and placed her hand onto her forehead, where a bruise was already starting to form. Her face crinkled and she hissed with pain when she touched it. Pulling her hand away, I held it in mine and softly ran my fingers across her bruise. She looked up at me, her eyes lit up as if she had just noticed me standing in front of her.

"Criss?" She asked in confusion.

"I'm here baby." I smiled down at her.

"Criss!" she flung her arms around me neck and pulled my tight against her. I held her by her waist and tried to hold back my tears. "It was so awful!" she said, her voice cracking. "I could hear them. The screaming. They were trapped in their cars, screaming, and I couldn't help them." she whimpered. I held her tight and let her cry into my chest. I had to try hard to hold back my tears, I wanted to cry with her, but I knew that I had to be the strong one, for her sake. After a while she sniffled and pulled away from me. I dipped my head so I could look her in the eyes. She shook her head in amazement as she saw the accident scene in front of her.

"Is everyone okay? Did they get the family out?" she asked me, keeping her eyes fixated on the over turned van.

"I don't know, do you want me to find out?" I asked her. She snatched my hands and squeezed.

"Don't leave me." she finally looked away from the mess in front of us and looked at me, her eyes full of desperation, scared to death that I was going to leave her.

"I'm not going anywhere baby, no one can keep us apart, I promise. Its all gonna be okay." I said and wrapped her into a tight hug.

"I don't know what happened Criss." she mumbled into my shirt. "One minute I'm driving along, and the next I'm slamming on the brakes, hoping to god that I didn't hit that volvo. And then I was trapped. God I don't know what happened!"

"Shhh, baby, its okay. I'm here, its okay. Every things okay. Just relax." I reassured her. "Wait, did you say a volvo?" I asked, pulling her away from me to look at her. She nodded her head. "Was it black?" she nodded again, her eyebrows crumpled in confusion.

"Yea, it ran the red light, if I didn't know any better Id say it was trying to hit me. Why? Does that mean something?" she asked. It couldn't be what I was thinking, it wasn't possible, it was probably just a coincidence. I shook my head no and smiled at her.

"No. Come on, lets get you home." I pulled her away from the ambulance and carried her in my arms. She was fast asleep by the time we got back to the house.

That night I didn't sleep. I laid in bed with Lana wrapped tightly around me, snoring from the pain medication the medic gave her. And the entire night, my brain focused on two things, Lana, and the cause of that accident.


	43. Enemies

**Enemies**

* * *

_You got the world on its knees,  
_

_You're taking all that you please,_

_You want more,**  
**_

_But you'll get nothing from me,  
_

_You're like the burden we bare,  
_

_You love the hate that we share,  
_

_You want more,  
_

_But you'll get nothing from me but enemies._

_Shinedown - Enemies.  
_

* * *

"Are you serious? Its been three weeks JD, and you haven't come up with anything?" I heard Criss say as I stood outside his office door. I didn't want to ease drop, but I was sure this was something Criss didn't want me to hear. And I couldn't help but wonder what had gotten him so upset. I leaned against the wall just outside the door, it was open just a crack and I could barely see Criss. His back was turned to me so I was sure he wasn't aware of my presence.

"Are you sure? Come on JD, shes got to be some where, she couldn't have just disappeared." he sighed heavily and leaned his shoulder against the window and stared out towards the back yard. "Well find her! If something happens because you lost her.." My heart sank as I listened to the one sided conversation. Who was this 'she' he was referring to? Whoever she was, she had done something to really piss him off. I decided I had ease dropped enough and lightly pressed my finger against the door, making it squeak as it slowly opened. "Okay, let me know when you have something." he said into the phone quickly and demanding and then hung up. I walked through the door and he turned to face me, his face lit up the moment our eyes locked.

"Who was that?" I asked and nudged my chin towards the phone, trying not to give away that I had heard too much. He looked down at the phone in his hand before tossing it onto his computer chair.

"JD, I asked him to do something for me, for the show. I was just checking up on his progress." he lied with a perfect smile. I wasn't going to press him about it, after all, he seemed upset enough about whatever it was, I didn't need to butt my nose into it and make it worse.

"What can I do for you Mrs. Sarantakos?" he asked as he wrapped me into his arms and kissed my neck, clearly trying to change the subject. Seeing the grin on his face as he said my new name made me completely forget about the conversation he had just had.

"We got the wedding pictures today." I told him as I held out the envelope to him. He pulled one out and studied it. He looked up at me with a sadness in his eyes and he lightly traced the faint pink line on my forehead, the line that had all but faded since my car accident in New York. His kissed my forehead and sighed.

"I'm so sorry Lana." he whispered. I looked up at him confused, then realized what he meant. I smiled up at him and tried to wipe away the crease in his forehead.

"Its fine Criss. You cant even see it in the pictures. Thank god for Jo and her make up habits. She did a wonderful job at hiding it." I tried to reassure him.

"God." he whispered, still in his sad moment. "I don't even want to imagine what would have happened had those teenagers not been there." he sighed. "If they hadn't pulled you out of that stupid car.."

"Criss," I sighed. "dont do this. Please baby." He smiled lightly and looked back down at the picture, staring at it while he composed himself. He had been so upset with himself since the accident. Of course constantly blaming himself for letting me leave the house. But for some reason I had a gut feeling that there was more to his unnecessary guilt. Something he wasn't telling me. Lately, the mere mention or thought of the accident could send him into a frenzy. And I knew that every time he looked at my face and saw the soon to be scar, something deep inside of him died all over again. And I tried to reassure him that everything was fine.

"Whats the matter?" I asked him and placed my hand on his cheek. He shook his head, smiled and placed the picture back into the envelope then tossed it onto his chair. He grinned, cupped my butt and placed me on top of his desk. He wedged himself in between my legs and kissed my neck violently. That was when I knew he was thinking of something terrible. This is what Criss did whenever he was trying desperately to take his mind off of something. But his attempts to hide the truth had slipped from my mind when his fingers began sliding up my skirt.

"Absolutely nothing. Everything is perfect, Mrs. Sarantakos. Just perfect. Now how about a welcome home spanking?" His fingers squeezed my butt and he lifted his head to grin at me. The fire in his eyes made every muscle in my body clench with desire and I could tell he wanted every ounce of me.

"You haven't had enough of me yet?" I laughed, trying to hide my sudden need to feel him inside of me.

"I could never get sick of you angel. I could fuck you all day, every day, and still want more." He grinned and went back to my neck. I leaned back onto the desk, holding myself up with my hands. He leaned back with me, not letting up on my neck one bit. He ran his tongue across my collar bone, making my breath catch in my throat. I bit my lip to hold back the moans that I could feel trying to escape.

"I remember the first time I wanted to fuck you." he said breathlessly as he continued to work on my neck.

"Do you now?" I asked just as breathless. His hand slid down my thigh and his fingers curled around my knee. He yanked my leg up to wrap it around his waist. Leaning me further backwards, he supported my back with his other hand and his tongue traced its way down my cleavage, sending shivers down my spine. He made his way back to my neck then pressed his hips harder into mine, the friction as we moved made my need for him intensify.

"I do," he placed his forehead against mine, his breathing rugged. "the day I went to your dance studio. You have no idea how badly I wanted you that day, as I watched you dance." his grip on my knee tightened, forcing us to grind against each other. He shut his eyes tightly as he felt the friction against him. A soft moan escaped my lips "The way you moved," he groaned as recalled our second meeting. "and these hips," he grunted loudly and pulled my hips hard into his. "Er! these hips drove me crazy. The way they moved, Id never seen hips move like that. It was so.." he opened his eyes to gaze into mine, "sexy."

My body shivered at his words and I moaned involuntarily. Both of us were breathing uncontrollably. The tension was getting to be too much. And I didn't know how long it would be before I threw him onto the desk and had my way with him.

"I wanted to bend you over right there, in that studio, and fuck you as hard as I could." he said seductively. The once pleasant tingling between my thighs was now a throbbing ache and I was trying my hardest to control myself. "Not caring who would have seen." He licked my lips and pulled his hips away from me. "In fact, how about I show you how hard I wanted to fuck you?" his words made me gush in anticipation. He groaned when his fingers pushed my undies aside and he felt how wet I was.

"You're ready for me?" he grinned at me and slid his fingers inside of me. I wanted him, all of him, and I wanted him to fuck me as hard as he said he was going to. The slow pace that his fingers were keeping wasn't enough and I felt myself losing what little control I had left. Suddenly, so sudden that I didn't have time to realize what was happening, he pulled his fingers out and plunged his dick hard and deep into me. I gasped loudly and if it hadn't been for Criss holding me up, I would have toppled off of the desk.

He held me firmly as he pulled out and slammed himself back into me, hard. He slammed into me a couple of times before he pulled out, flipped me over, placed my feet on the ground, bent me over the desk and within seconds had his dick slamming impossibly hard into me again. He gripped me around the waist for leverage and in a matter of seconds he was fucking me so hard that I was screaming and gasping for air with each thrust.

I gripped the corners of the desk to hold myself steady and braced myself for his poundings. He wasn't kidding about how hard he wanted to fuck me. Something had to of upset him a lot for him to fuck me like this, but at that moment, I didn't care what, in fact, I was grateful for whatever it was. Never in my life had I been fucked so hard, never in my life had it hurt so bad, and never in my life had I enjoyed it this much, the pain only amplified the pleasure. I matched his rhythm and slammed my hips backwards into his, making our skin smack hard against each other. His grip tightened and he pulled my hips back into him, making his thrusts harder, which I didn't think was possible.

Without warning he slammed into me and held me in place, forcing his dick to go deep, deeper than I had ever felt before. I screamed loudly as I felt his tip bottom out and I dropped my head onto the desk, biting my arm in attempt to hush the ear piercing screams that so badly wanted to come out.

"Oh my god Lana! You feel so fucking good!" he shouted as he pulled away and slammed back in to my core. I released my arm in fear of making it bleed and screamed loudly, not caring how loud I got or who could hear, which at that point I was sure the whole neighborhood could hear me.

Each time he pushed his dick until it could go no further, it sent me closer to the edge. I didn't even know there was a 'spot' back there, but by god he hit it every time. And it felt better than anything I had ever thought possible. Within four deep thrusts I was screaming in the most unbelievable orgasm I had ever had in my entire life. And three deep thrusts after that Criss was grunting and groaning as he came all over inside of me. It felt as if my orgasm never let up, intensifying with every muscle spasm, and I knew Criss felt it too. Each time I clenched around his cock, he groaned impossibly loud, and I was sure that his release wasn't done either.

It felt like an eternity before we were both finished. "That.. had to of.. been.. the most.. longest.. best.. and.. intense orgasm.. Ive.. ever.. _had_!" I struggled to say, my breath refusing to come back to me.

"It.. wont be.. for long." Criss responded back, just as breathless as I was. He lifted off of me and pulled me up with him, holding me up for a moment while I regained my balance. When I could finally form a sentence without having an asthma attack I grinned up at him.

"Keep that up and we might be here all day." he glanced up at me as he messed with his pants and zipped them back up.

"Why? You got somewhere to be?" He asked suspiciously. I glanced up at the clock and noticed the time. I did have somewhere to be, and I needed to leave soon.

"Yea, I'm um, meeting Jo at the mall at 3." I lied. I didn't want to tell him where I was really going, it would probably give him a heart attack. He eyed me suspiciously and sighed.

"You're not going alone." he cocked an eyebrow at me. "Ill have one of my brothers drive you." he made sure his clothes were decent again before heading out into the living room. I huffed in an attempt to throw a fit, following behind him, I opened my mouth to protest but snapped it shut in embarrassment as I noticed Costa sitting on the living room couch. He looked up at us and grinned. Oh god! How long had he been here? Had he heard us? My question was answered when he looked up at us walking out of the office and grinned. My face flushed bright red and I tried to hide behind Criss. Criss lifted his arm to look back at me, wondering what I was doing, then understood when he finally noticed his brother.

"Costa? What are you doing here?" Criss asked, not seeming as embarrassed or as surprised as I was.

"You asked me to stop by. For the.. thing." he gave Criss an odd look.

"Oh, right, the thing, yea, for the, uh, show." Criss glanced back at me. I wasn't stupid, I knew something was going on. But after looking back up at the clock I realized I didn't have enough time to ponder what their secret was, if I didn't leave now, I was going to be late.

"Well, Lana needs a ride to the mall and then you and I can get down to business." Criss told him. I gave him a dirty look and stepped out from behind him.

"I can drive myself." I demanded. Criss had been very protective of me after my car accident. Not letting me out of his sight for more than a second at a time. Not letting me drive myself any where or go any where alone. It was pretty much back to how it was when I first moved in with him, after my incident with the alcohol and pills. We had worked through it the first time and damn it, I was not going to be treated like a child again.

"No!" he snapped. I held my hands up in defense, I didn't want to argue or get yelled at. He turned his attention back to Costa. "Ive got something in the office you need to see before you go." he told him. Costa got off the couch and grinned at me as he passed, making my face flash red again. I knew he heard what just happened, and now he was headed straight to the scene of crime. I was never going to live this one down. Criss leaned down and kissed my forehead. "We'll be right back." he said and then followed behind Costa.

I glanced at the clock and then to the door. All I had to do was grab my keys and run out the door. Id be gone before they even left the office. I knew Criss was going to be beyond pissed, but I needed to leave now and I didn't really want Criss or Costa knowing where I was really going.

Without thinking, I grabbed my keys, ran out the door and was in my car and on the road in less than 30 seconds. I watched the door as I drove away. No indication that either of them had noticed I left. I turned my phone off, knowing Criss would just gps me the moment he realized I was gone. Id think about the consequences later.

* * *

"Are you sure?" I asked the doctor, I could feel all the color drain from my face. I wasn't sure how Criss was going to react to this, but I knew one thing for sure. There was no going back now. The doctor nodded and smiled.

"You are definitely pregnant. Four weeks to be exact." she smiled down at me and handed me a card. "I want you to come back next week, preferably with the father to be, and we can discuss prenatal care, birthing options and I can answer any questions you two may have." I looked down at the card, noticing the appointment date. I smiled back up at her and she squeezed my shoulder. "Congratulations, and Ill see you next week." she said, then turned and left the room.

I was in a heavy daze as I walked through the parking ramp. I was surprised that I had managed to find my car, not without walking past it three different times. I was happy, a little shocked, but happy. I was on birth control this time, not that it mattered. The doctor had informed me that my previous doctor had given me the wrong information when she handed me the pills. Apparently the pills I was on, were statistically the worst ones on the market, with the highest conception rate.

I sat in my car, trying to gather my head around what I had just found out. Criss had grown fond of the idea of having kids. Even mentioned to me once that he did want kids. But now that it was a reality, I wasn't sure if everything he had said was going to be true, or if he was going to freak out.

I tried to scream as a small hand clamped around my mouth and I felt a hard cold piece of metal jab into my neck. Realizing what was cutting into my neck was a gun I started to panic. I snapped my eyes to the side in attempt to see the person behind me in the back seat.

"Keep your eyes straight ahead." a tiny voice commanded. I snapped my eyes forward in compliance and shut them tight, saying a silent prayer to god. "Drive." the voice demanded. I opened my eyes and automatically put the car into reverse. Backing out of the garage I asked to where. "The desert." the person said in a cold and unemotional voice. The desert? The only reason someone would tell me to go to the desert was so they could.. kill me..


	44. Always

**Always**

* * *

_I see the blood all over your hands,  
_

_Does it make you feel more like a man?  
_

_Was it all just a part of your plan?  
_

_The pistols shaking in my hands and all I hear is the sound.  
_

_Saliva - Always  
_

* * *

Not once did I glance into the mirror in attempt to see who had the gun placed against my neck. My heart raced and my stomach was on the edge of vomiting. I knew that this was it, my stalker had finally gotten to me, and I was pretty sure that today was going to be the last day I would ever see Criss.

As I put the car into park at the designated spot my kidnapper had given me, I couldn't hold back anymore. I sat forward and vomited all over the passenger seat. I knew I was going to die. They were going to kill me, out in the middle of the desert, where no evidence could be found and my body could easily be buried, making it impossible for police to locate my remains. No one would ever know what happened to me.

The kidnapper didn't even so much as blink as they ordered me to get out of the car. My heart had never pounded so hard in my life, my stomach clenched and I swallowed hard. I stepped out of the car, saying a silent prayer to god that this wasn't the last thing I was going to see.

"Hands on your head and get on your knees." the gunman ordered. Feeling the gun push against the back of my skull, I closed my eyes and waited.

"Cindy!" A woman shouted from behind us. I didn't dare turn to see who it was, but the voice sounded vaguely familiar. "What the hell are you doing? I said don't kill her!" The woman snapped. I sighed with relief and slumped down slightly at those words. So I wasn't going to die after all. So why was I here?

"I wasn't going to." Cindy protested. "I swear, I just wanted to see her squirm." As I listened to the two argue, something clicked.

"Cindy? As in Cindy Moore?" I blurted out without realizing I was speaking out loud.

"Fuck!" The other woman shouted. "She knows who you are! You idiot!" That was the last thing I heard before something hard slammed against the back of my head. I fell forward and was out cold.

* * *

The moment I came to I tried to run, only to realize that I was tied to a chair. The ropes were tied tightly and securely as I struggled against them, they weren't budging. I grunted in frustration and looked at my surroundings. I had been moved. I was now in a building, almost looked like a warehouse. The room was completely dark, the only light came from a crack underneath a door far to my right. The protest of the chair echoed through the building as I struggled harder.

The sudden throbbing in my head broke my concentration. I vaguely remembered what had happened last. I remembered falling to the ground and losing consciousness after someone had pistol whipped me. Cindy! Cindy had pistol whipped me. How was that possible? She had been taken in for questioning several times, each time she came up as clean as a whistle. So how in the world did they miss this? And why was she involved? What had I ever done to her? Fucking reporters!

I started to struggle against the ropes as I realized that none of those questions mattered. None of those questions were going to get answered if I didn't make it out of here alive. I started to scream for help in hopes that I was within hearing range of somebody, anybody.

"No use in getting loud. No one will here you." I heard a soft voice say to the right of me.

"Cindy?" I asked in anger.

"Cindy? No, I took care of her. The police will find her soon enough." the voice told me. Did that mean they killed Cindy? Was she dead? Was I next?

"What the hell is going on? Who are you? What do you want?" I asked, getting frustrated. I looked around the room to catch a glimpse of the woman I was talking to, but it was too dark.

"Who are you? What do you want?" the woman mocked me, "can't you come up with something a little more original than that?"

"I could if I knew what the fuck was going on!" I yelled. My temper was starting to rise and quickly. My adrenaline mixed with my anger was enough to slaughter anyone who came within my range, but for some reason I couldn't get free. I screeched in pain as something sharp cut into the skin on my arm.

"Get lippy with me again and it'll be your face next time." the voice snarled. I could feel their breath against my cheek. "Now," they said as the moved to stand in front of me. I watched as a small petite silhouette crouched down on the floor. "I'm going to take back whats rightfully mine. After I take care of you." Suddenly a small light in the corner of the room flipped on, giving off just enough light to show me who they were.

"Sandra." I spat.

"That's right bitch. Me." she stood up and walked to the wall in front of me. She flipped a couple of switches, blinding me as more lights came on. She turned to face me, leaning against a table. That was when I realized exactly where we were, the mindfreak symbols littered the walls. We were in Criss' warehouse out in the desert. She was right, there was no live signs within 50 miles of where we were.

I swallowed hard as I tried to ignore the sudden hopelessness that settled in my stomach. No one was going to find me. I had shut my cell phone off earlier, so there was no way Criss could gps me. I was all on my own. Why didn't I listen to Criss? Why did I have to be so stubborn? If I had just let Costa drive me, I wouldn't be here right now.

"Aww whats the matter? Surprised? Didn't see it coming, did ya?" she said in a high pitched girly voice. "I know, you don't have to say it, I'm a master. I know what I'm doing, I take my time with my plans." She said with pouty lips. "And I'm afraid, your time is up my dear, but there's no shame in having a little fun with it." she said with an evil grin.

She turned her back to me, and faced the small table, I took notice of how many sharp utensils had been place on top of it. She placed the cutting knife that she already had onto the table. She fiddled with a pair of scissors, before picking up a scalpel. She switched between items for a few minutes, making them clank together loudly as she examined each one.

I quietly started to wiggle a foot free. I had to get out of it. Sandra had finally lost it, and I was truly afraid of what she was actually willing to do. Finally deciding on the scalpel she turned back to me. I stopped my struggle just before her eyes fell onto me again. She didn't notice my attempt to get free. She slid a large knife into her belt and started to turn the scalpel around in her hand as she stared at me. "Well, at least I'm going to have fun." She giggled as she walked towards me.

"You're psychotic!" I screamed. She stopped in her tracks and grinned at me.

"I prefer the word, eccentric," she shrugged "its all the same." she said nonchalantly and started to advance towards me again.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked quickly, trying to buy myself a little more time. If only I had paid a little more attention when Criss was rambling on about how he got out of his restraints so quickly. I tried to conceal from her that I had almost gotten one of my ankles free.

"Why?" she screamed and darted towards me. I flinched backwards as much as I could before he face was inches from mine. "Why! Because you took what was mine, you worthless little piece of shit! Criss was mine! He was going to come back to me. But then you just had to get in my way. Talking your cute little Michigan accent, acting so innocent. But I know better. You're just a little slut. I know about everything you've done! And I'm here to put you out of Criss' misery. He doesn't need someone like you, he doesn't want someone like you! He wants me, he needs me, and by god he _will_ have me. One way or another, if that means taking you out of the picture permanently. Then so be it." she was breathing heavily and her nostrils flared. She stared at me for a minute before she finally pushed herself off from the chair and walked back over to the table. I had finally gotten one ankle completely free and decided to start working on a hand.

"Criss loves me." she started again in a softer quieter voice, her back still turned to me. "He just doesn't remember. You poisoned his mind. You and that little brat that will never get a chance to see its daddy." All my concentration was pulled away from my escape and my head snapped up to look at her. How did she know I was pregnant? I hadn't told anyone. I just found out this morning. She gasped in a sarcastic way and covered her mouth with her hands.

"How did I know about that?" She grinned and rested her hands by her side. "I told you, I know everything, even your deepest darkest secrets that you haven't told anyone," she said answering my unspoken question. She turned to face me and leaned against the table, "not one soul, but I know. Criss doesn't even know. And he never will. Ill make sure they never find a body." she beamed at me with obvious content. She enjoyed having me at her mercy. She enjoyed the fact that she knew things no one else did. And she was going to enjoy killing us.

"I watched, I listened, and I waited. Cindy was a big help. Them reporters sure do know how to get information that no one else has. Course she was just my pawn. Kind of a curve ball. If she was the prime suspect, no one would even think to look at me. She was more than willing to do whatever I asked, thinking she would get a big pay off in the end." she smirked, "But it was really all my doing, I watched everything, every phone call you made, I heard it, every night you slept in Criss' bed, _my_ bed, I was watching. I know everything about you Lana. I gathered every piece of information I needed, and then I waited. Waited until the perfect moment to strike."

"I have to admit," she continued, "I got a little impatient in New York. I couldn't bare the thought of Criss actually marrying you. Him vowing his life to you when it should have been me. I couldn't help myself." She grinned. I recalled how freaked out Criss was when I told him about the car that caused the accident.

"That was you? The black volvo? That was you?" I questioned her, surprised that she had been following Criss and I all over the country and neither of us noticed. She grinned at me.

"Yours truly. I followed you to New York, and when I heard that you were getting married in New York, well, lets just say my anger got the best of me." she explained and shrugged with a grin.

"Stalk much?" I spat sarcastically.

"Oh, such a funny girl." she snorted."I tried to end it before he made the mistake of marrying you. But after that car accident Criss had you on lock down. I couldn't get any where near you. He made sure of that." she scrunched up her nose and make a sour face. "But then you ran off and gave me the perfect opportunity. Better late than never I guess." she shrugged. "you really should have listened to him sweetie. He was right about you needing protection. Enough talk. Ive been waiting for this for far too long."

"Please, please don't do this." I begged her. She laughed one chuckled loudly, tilting her head up to the ceiling before settling her glare back on me.

"What would possibly make you think that I would have mercy on you, or that little runt your carrying? Because its an innocent baby?" She asked in a sarcastic tone. "That things just as innocent as you are! You little slut. Are you sure this one is even Criss' baby?" she spat, making me cringe at her words. "That baby," she pointed the scalpel towards my stomach, "that baby should be mine. In fact," she lightly placed the scalpel against her cheek and looked to the ceiling as if she were thinking, "maybe Ill just keep you here until the baby is ready, and then Ill just cut it out of you. Raise her as my own. Criss and I will finally have our family, and we can be happy." her devilish grin came back.

"You're sick!" I spat loudly. She shrugged.

"Maybe, maybe not, but either way, I'm getting what I want." her grin grew wider as she approached me, scalpel pointing towards me. "He'll see. Just you watch. Once you're gone, he will be so devastated that he'll run right back into my arms. And I'll hold him, every night, while he cries over you. And he will never know what really happened to you." she shrugged and twisted her finger around in her hair as she looked at the ceiling.

"By then Ill have him convinced you ran away. That you didn't love him anymore and left the country or something. He's gonna forget alllll about you. And you know why? Because you're nothing to him."

"You're never gonna get what you want! Criss doesn't love you. He loves me! He'll know I didn't leave him, he'll figure it out! And even with me out of the picture, do you really think you even stand a chance? He fucking hates you, you stupid cunt!" I screamed. I didn't know what I planned to accomplish with those words, but they came out all on their own.

She quickly ran to me, all trace of amusement gone. She back handed me hard across the cheek, making my head turn sideways.

"You watch your fucking mouth!" she warned me as her evil grin slowly returned. She stood in front of me with her hands on her hips and watched me. I ran my tongue over the corner of my mouth and tasted blood. My anger was at a boiling point. I grunted loudly and struggled harder against the ropes, hoping for something to give, just one little inch that I could wiggle out of, anything to give me an advantage.

"No use honey, I learned from the best," she winked at me, "Criss taught me how to tie those." She giggled then leaned down and began to lightly run the scalpel across my cheek, careful not to break the skin. "Now, where to cut first?" she said to herself quietly.

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. Concentrate. Don't panic, if there was one thing Criss taught me, it was not to panic. "Panicking under such difficult circumstances will only make the situation worse. You have to stay calm, focus on the problem at hand, one knot at a time." I heard his voice say in my mind. I felt my body calm down at just the thought of his voice. I could picture him in my head, his beautiful face, his gorgeous body, his silky hair falling over his eye as he sat, bound to a chair. His eyes closed, his chest rising up and down as he took deep breaths to calm himself. I remembered every detail I could and followed his instructions.

I sighed to myself with relief as I slipped my hand through the final strand of rope. Before she could react I headbutted her as hard as I could. She stumbled backwards and fell to the ground. My heart skipped a beat as I heard the metal clink to the ground. The scalpel!

Trying like hell to keep my head from going fuzzy from the headbutt, I lunged forward, knocking myself over to the ground. Sandra laid on the ground cupping her nose. "Fucking bitch!" She screamed as she scrambled to get to her feet. Quickly, I flung out my feet leg, clipping her in the calf and knocking her back to the ground. I could hear the crack as her head hit the cement. Her breathing became slower, I watched for a second, noticing I had managed to daze her. Not knowing how long I had before she was on her feet again, I took advantage of it and searched for the scalpel. I quickly snatched it into my hand once the shiny silver had caught me eye. I sawed hard and fast at the rope that still held my other hand, not caring if I had cut myself or not.

Sandra was starting to come to as the rope broke loose. I hurried to cut off the last of my restraints, feeling a sudden burst of energy when I tumbled from the chair. I quickly got to my feet, just in time to meet her eye to eye. She took notice of the scalpel in my hand and suddenly lunged at me with the knife that I had forgotten she had. I slid sideways, barely dodging her. She screeched in pain and cupped her arm. She looked down to her arm, noticing the blood the trickled between her fingers. Her face crinkled with anger and she looked back up at me.

"Fucking bitch!" she hissed. "You're gonna pay for the life you stole from me Lana! For the husband, and for the family, and for the stardom, and, god damn it for everything you had that should've been mine!" She screamed.

"You gave all that up when you fucked Criss over! You made your own bed bitch!" I snapped at her as we both crouched into attack positions.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you! You're dead." she screamed and lunged at me.

"Fuck you!" I screamed back. I lost grip of the scalpel as I jumped sideways to dodge her. Suddenly the door flung open and my heart sank as Criss came running through.

It happened so quickly that I didn't have time to react. Sandras head shot sideways as Criss burst through the door, then just as quickly, she snagged my arm and threw me in front of her, holding the knife to my neck, ready to jab at any moment. Criss' eyes took in the scene before him. He stopped a few feet in front of us, with his hands held palm up.

"Some one mind telling me just what the fuck is going on here?" Criss shouted staring at Sandra. I watched Criss' eyes, full of fear and pain. I suddenly wasn't worried about my situation anymore, but was worried about Criss, he was obviously scared out of his mind.


	45. You're going down

**You're going down  
**

* * *

_When my fist hits your face, and your face hits the floor,_

_It'll be a long time coming,  
_

_But you got the message now,  
_

_Cause I was never going, _

_yeah you're the one that's going down.  
_

_One of us is going down,  
_

_I'm not running, its a little different now,  
_

_Cause one of us is going, one of us is going down.  
_

_Sick Puppies - You're going down.  
_

* * *

"Its okay Criss, I got her, we can be together now." Sandra grinned. Who was she kidding? I wasn't going to fall for it, I knew better than that. Criss would never do something like this to me.

I took notice of how Criss was dressed. Like he ran out the door without evening thinking. His plain white t shirt that he wore from this morning clung tightly to his chest. His black combat boots weren't tied and his jeans hung low around his hips. His belt was missing, exposing the rim of his boxers, and he was missing all of his usual jewelry. His hair went in every direction, like he had been pulling at it, the way he did when he was stressed. If I didn't know any better, Id say that he literally ran out the door without grabbing a thing.

"Good job baby." Criss straightened up and his face relaxed. "Couldn't have planned it better myself." I looked at Criss, my eyes pleading with him, but he avoided my eyes at all costs. What the hell was he talking about? He was in on this? How? Why? Why would he do something like this to me? He married me for fucks sake. Or was that just part of the plan. To marry me, get me close to him, make it easier for him to take me down? No, I couldn't believe that. I wouldn't. Criss would never do anything to hurt me. He raised his palms into the air and took a step towards us. Sandras grip tightened around me with every step he took. She was unsure about him.

"Look Sandra. The bitch deserves it. After what she did to me. Fucking another man, getting knocked up with his baby, having pictures of her fucking the guy all over the tabloids, then leaves me for the same guy. She lied to me, made me look bad to the public with all the drinking, cheating and suicide bullshit. She drove me fucking nuts. And I'm grateful that you went to all this trouble just for me baby, I really am. But let me handle it now, okay?" Criss rambled as he slowly closed the gap between us.

My chest felt empty as I listened to his harsh words. I had no idea he felt that way about me. Had I really drove him insane? Was I the reason he went over the edge? Did I push him into this? I knew I had messed up royally with our relationship, but I never realized the magnitude of the damage I'd caused.

It all made sense. I had done so many horrible and unthinkable things to Criss throughout our relationship that it drove him to madness. He wanted revenge. He wanted to make me pay. To pay for all the public humiliation Id given him.

It was no wonder he reacted the way he did when I said black volvo. He knew Sandra was trying to kill me. Of course he had to act upset when he saw me alive. That way it wasn't known that my survival was a disappointment to him. And it would also make sense that he was pissed at Sandra for trying to kill me, because he wanted to do it himself.

So did he marry me to prove a point? Or did he marry me to fool the public? If everyone thought Criss and I were madly in love, he would be the last person to be suspected of my disappearance. As I stared at him with nothing but shock at what I had just realized, I felt as if I really truly deserved what was coming to me. And I was ashamed of myself for being so stupid and thinking someone like Criss could ever truly love me.

Sandra eyeballed Criss as he stood there, waiting for her response.

"Why don't you guys stop arguing over who's going to kill me and just fucking do it already!" I snapped, not even realizing I was speaking out loud. I watched a painful look flash across Criss' face before he quickly composed himself and glared at me in anger, his look alone could kill me, it was a look that clearly said 'shut the fuck up'.

Sandra grinned and pressed the knife harder into my neck. I no longer felt the need to fight. Criss was all I had, and I didn't have him anymore, now all I wanted was it to end quickly. Criss took his eyes away from me and looked to Sandra.

"Baby, you did a great job, and I understand you want satisfaction out of this, but I need to do it. Now why don't you give me the knife and Ill take care of her?" he asked her, taking another step towards us, his hand stretched out in front of him.

"You don't want to take the blame for any of this." he continued. She loosened the knife slightly. "I can get away with it, if you let me do it. I'm Criss Angel, they'll never convict me. And then you and I can run away together. They'll never find us, it'll be just you and me, forever." She pulled the knife away from my neck and Criss took another step towards us. I watched his shoulders slump in relief. She eyed him for a moment.

"Oh, you're good Criss," she chuckled and yanked the knife back to my neck. "But nice fucking trying." she spat and pushed the blade harder into my skin. I felt blood lightly trickle down my neck. I whimpered softly and looked to Criss. His eyes now showing his panic. "Back the fuck up, or Ill kill her right this second." she demanded. Criss took one step backward and raised his palms into the air again. "So it is her isn't it? You really choose this little slut?"

"The police are on their way Sandra." he warned her. "There's no way out. Just give me the knife, make this easier on yourself." he pleaded with her. She huffed a laugh. The police? What? What the fuck was going on? Was Criss on my side or hers? I was getting more and more confused by the second.

"You fucking idiot." she spat. "We could've had it all. But you threw it away for this little tramp and that fucking baby!" she snapped. Criss' eyes widened and his gaze moved to my stomach as her words sank in. "Maybe I should kill the little runt first. Either way, you're gonna watch them both die, slowly. You made the wrong choice Criss."

His eyes shot to mine before she took the knife from my neck and placed it against my belly. He gasped loudly and took a frantic step towards us. His movement made her press the knife into me harder as a warning and he stopped in his tracks. My entire body tensed and my heart pumped faster. My baby? She was really going to kill my baby? What kind of sick fuck was she? I started to panic and my breath quickened as I desperately thought of a way to maneuver out of her grasp without risking me or the baby.

"Don't!" Criss snapped suddenly, "Don't do this! Please, I'm begging you." he pleaded with her. She grinned widely before she raised the knife into the air ready to stab. I closed my eyes and braced myself. So I was going to die after all?

"No!" Criss shouted. I opened my mouth to scream but the wind was suddenly knocked out of my lungs and we were both flying backwards.

Realizing Criss had tackled us to the ground, I quickly rolled away from Sandra and stood up, backing myself up against the wall. I placed my hands onto my stomach and sighed with relief when I felt no cuts. Sandra jumped to her feet and crouched down in an attack position, her eyes burned with rage as she stared at Criss. All her rage was now focused on him. He held his hands into the air and took a step back.

"I don't want to do this Sandra, I don't want to hurt you, okay?" his voice shaky as he tried to reason with her. "Just, put the knife down. You don't want to do this." I stared at the scene in front of me, not sure of what to do. My feet seemed to be frozen to the floor and my body wouldn't respond.

"The fuck I don't want to do this!" Sandra screamed. "You were mine Criss! You belonged to me! We were supposed to be together! I was supposed to be the one you married, not her! I was going to be the mother of your children!" she yelled. She chuckled and cocked her head to the side, glaring at him. Her eyes practically bulged out of her head and her shoulder twitched slightly. At that moment, I was truly terrified. The person in front of us was no longer Sandra, this person had gone completely insane.

"But no! You chose her! Well, if I cant have you, then no one can!" she screamed in rage.

"Criss." I whimpered. I was scared to death, but this time not for me, for Criss. I couldn't seem to move, all I could do was stand and watch. Criss heard me and looked over to me. I saw everything I needed to see, fear. He was just as scared as I was.

Taking advantage of Criss' distraction, Sandra lunged at him with the knife, catching him off guard. I watched in horror as Criss jumped sideways but not in time, the knife sliced through his shirt, blood instantly soaking through. At that moment I was no longer in control of myself, instincts took over when Criss clutched his side and fell against the wall.

Just as Sandra was about to pounce and slice at him again, I ran full force after her, knocking her to the ground. Criss yelled my name but I couldn't respond. I twisted my body so I sat on top of her. I screamed in anger as I punched her repeatedly in the face.

"You.. cant.. have him! You.. psycho bitch! And I wont let you.. hurt him!" I yelled as I continued to swing my fists at her. She held her hand up in defense while the hand holding the knife slashed once across my arm. As I pulled away to cup my arm she managed to reverse us. We rolled around on the ground, struggling with each other, trying to strike one another while at the same time fighting over the knife. I could hear Criss faintly yelling my name.

She grabbed my hair, pulled upwards and slammed my head down against the cement, fazing me long enough for her to scramble to her feet and focus back on Criss, who was already on his feet and running as quickly as he could towards us. Watching her go after him again only angered me more, and suddenly I was back on my feet and throwing my entire body at her. She lurched forward, stumbled for a second and then smashed into the table. I watched her head slam impossibly hard into the corner of the table and she hit the ground.

I stared down at her, only ten feet away. Her body rose up and down with her breathing, she was still alive, but clearly unconscious. Without thinking I bent over and grabbed the knife. Just as I was about to plunge it deep into her chest a hand snagged my wrist, stopping me from finishing her off.

"Its not worth it Lana." Criss said in a firm voice, releasing my arm. I looked at him for a moment. Why wasn't it worth it? It would be justified, it would be considered self defense. She tried to kill me, both of us. If she was left alive then she could come after us again. I thought long and hard for a minute. Criss was right, I couldn't live with myself knowing I killed another human being. Not that she didn't deserve it, but I could never take a life, no matter who it was. I slowly handed him the knife. He sighed with relief and tossed it across the building, it clanked against the ground as it landed far away from us.

The sirens wailed loudly as they approached the warehouse. I suddenly felt weak, feeling as if at any moment I was going to pass out. I could feel an out burst of tears coming quickly. I began to sink to my knees as my sobs finally broke through my anger. Just as I was sure my head was going to make contact with the cement, Criss' arms wrapped around my body, preventing my fall to the floor.

I cried harder when I felt the warmth of his body against mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck, the scent of his skin sending more tears. It was only ten minutes ago that I was sure that I would never see him again. I didn't care what his reasoning was for all of this, for everything he had said, because at that moment, all I wanted was to be in his arms.

He pulled me through the warehouse doors. We didn't make it far before we both crumpled to the ground. He held me tight, rocking me back and forth as I sobbed as hard as I could. Criss held his hand up to the paramedic who now stood in front of him. The tall man in a black uniform took a step back, giving us a moment.

By the time my fit had calmed there were three paramedics and two police officers standing around Criss and I. I looked around at the scene in front of me. They had just loaded Sandra onto a stretcher. Her unconscious body laid on the bed and they placed handcuffs on each wrist, securing them to the bars underneath. Criss twisted his head to see what I was looking at and sighed with relief as he watched them shut the ambulance doors.

"Ma'am, you two should really get looked at." one of the emts said to me. His voice uncertain, and I was sure he was trying not to rush us. I looked up at Criss and he nodded to me. That was when I noticed the redness to his eyes. He had been crying along with me and I hadn't even noticed. I wrapped my arms around him tightly. He hissed lightly and then chuckled. I loosened my grip as I remembered his stab wound, but there was no way I was letting go of him.

"I'm not leaving you angel. Ill be with you the entire time." he said as he ran his hands through my hair. Hearing him say those words soothed me tremendously after what had been said in the warehouse.

He knew exactly what I was thinking. I pulled back and looked him in the eyes before giving him a long and passionate kiss. It felt like it was forever ago since I last kissed him. I didn't loosen my grip on him, even after our kiss had ended.

Knowing I wasn't going to let go of him, he stood up and carried me to the ambulance, never once letting on that his side was hurting. I nestled my head into his shoulder and watched as the paramedics and police officers followed behind us.

Criss stayed beside me the entire time, holding my hand and every now and then kissed me anywhere he could find that the emts weren't inspecting. After they had put bandages on my cuts, they moved to Criss. He looked frustrated with them, swatting at them like they were flies, more worried about keeping his hold on me. I couldn't blame him, all I wanted to do was stay in Criss' arms.

They bandaged his wound while lecturing him about needing stitches. He had managed to step out of the way before she got him, mostly. His cut was pretty deep but nothing major, according to the paramedics, had she been an inch higher it would have been fatal. After he told them no several times about the hospital and stitches, he pulled me onto his lap and held me tight against him. I curled into a ball on top of him and started to drift off.

When I was woken up by the police officers asking for my statement, I for some reason couldn't find the strength to talk. Not only was my body physically drained, but I was emotionally drained as well and I couldn't concentrate on anything. After a brief statement from Criss the officers handed him a card and instructed him to have me come in to give my statement once I was fully rested and alert.

I felt like a child as Criss carried me to the warehouse bathroom. Thankfully it was on the other side of the building and I didn't have to see the spot where I had almost lost my life. I had been so worked up that it took me this long to finally understand that my body was trying to tell me I had to pee. Criss set me down in front of the bathroom door and stared down at me.

"Do you need my help?" he asked, his eyes showing nothing but concern. I shook my head no and bit my lip. I did need his help, I could hardly stand on my own. My knees wobbled the second my feet hit the ground, but I wasn't going to make him help me use the bathroom, I could at least attempt to handle that on my own.

"Don't lock the door." he instructed me. I nodded and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me but making sure I didn't lock it. I did my business as quickly as I could, although it seemed to take forever. As I was reaching for the door I pulled my hand away. I felt another fit coming on and I didn't want to break down again. I leaned against the cold wall and took a couple deep breaths, then sank to the floor when my knees gave out on me.

I hit the ground with a thud and within seconds Criss had the door flung open and he was squatting in front of me asking what had happened. I placed my hand on his cheek and rubbed my thumb across his smooth jaw. I had never seen so much worry in his eyes, and it bothered me.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. His breath hitched when my body slammed against his ribs, I was going to have to remember about his cut. He chuckled and pried my hands from his neck and held my shoulders so he could look me in the eyes.

"You know I didn't mean those things I said right?" he studied my eyes carefully. I didn't want to tell him that for a moment I believed every word. I nodded slowly. He rubbed his thumb across my cheek and continued to stare at me.

"Say something. Baby, you haven't said a thing since we got out of the warehouse. Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking. Say something, anything." he pleaded with me.

"I love you" I whispered as I looked him in the eyes. That was all I could manage to get out, but it was enough for him. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. He sighed and kissed my hair.

"I love you too angel." he whispered back. "More than you'll ever know."

Every bone in my body ached to feel him wrapped around me, where I knew I was safe and no one would ever hurt me. He stood up and held his hand out to me. "Lets go home." he said softly. I stared up at him. He looked down at me in bewilderment as I placed my hands onto his stomach under his shirt.

I got to my knees and pushed his shirt until the faintly red gauze was in my view. He moaned as my lips lightly kissed the bandage. His fingers tangled into my hair when I traced my tongue along the edge of the gauze. And when my tongue slid down to his waist he threw his head back and groaned.

I slid his pants down but before I could do anything he yanked me up, pinned me against the wall and smashed his lips to mine. It wasn't passionate this time, no, this time it was urgent, and our every emotion leaked into the kiss. The sadness, the fear, the anger, the happiness. And at that moment I knew he felt as I did, an uncontrollable need to be wrapped around each other.

His hands cupped my butt and he lifted me up. Holding each cheek in each of his hands, he hooked his finger into my undies, slid them sideways and sank himself deep into me in one swift move, making us both moan loudly.

The need to be one with each other had never been so strong, and the moment he entered me, we both felt the relief. Our breathing had already been heavy with need, and now it was even heavier with the satisfaction of being with one another. I had never had post traumatic sex, but now I understood the intensity of it. It was like nothing I had ever felt. It wasn't the need to be fucked, it was the need to sooth each other, to be as close as humanly possible and never wanting it to end. And for a moment, neither of us moved, just sat there, breathing heavily and taking each other in.

He used my butt to push and pull so he slid smoothly in and out of me, each time he pushed back in we both released a long heavy breath and he let himself sit inside for a moment before he pulled back out. I grabbed the back of his neck and placed my forehead against his, looking him in the eyes as he pushed inside of me again. He glanced up at me and we gazed at each other as he slowly slid in and out. Not worried about time, he savored every stroke, and each time he pushed in, I lost myself all over again. We never looked away from each other.

I had never needed or wanted him more than I did at that very moment, and I didn't care who was around, I was going to take exactly what I needed. Even if it took all night.


	46. Revelation

**Revelation**

* * *

_I would die for you,_

_To save you,_

_I would die for you,_

_To be with you._

_Criss Angel - Revelation_

* * *

When I woke up that night, I was in a panic when I sat up in complete darkness. I looked around the room, I was back home, in bed, with Criss right next to me. I vaguely recalled coming home. I remembered the needful sex that Criss and I had at the warehouse. I remembered crumpling to the floor entangled with each other, after we had sex on every surface possible. The last thing I remembered was Criss carrying me to the car. I must have fallen asleep on the way home.

Looking down at my body I noticed Criss had managed to change me into my pajamas. I must have been fearsomely tired to not even wake up as he changed my clothes. I took a couple deep breaths and relaxed. I was still very groggy and could barely hold my eyes open any more. I remembered the paramedic saying something about the stress I went through could make me very tired, I guess he was right. I didn't want to sleep any more but my body finally gave in.

I closed my eyes Sandras face filled my vision. I had been dreaming of her all night. Dreaming that she had me tied up in that warehouse again. Only this time, Criss was laying on the floor beside me. He was bleeding, crumpled up in pain, pleading for me to help him. He reached for me but there was nothing I could do. I was powerless. Sandra crouched next to his body with the knife in her hand. Her face twisted into a grin as she prepared to finish him off. She glared up at me and that was when her skin faded into a light green color. Her eyes turned bright red and her nails turned into razor sharp claws. She chuckled at me one last time before she stabbed the knife into Criss.

I jolted awoke screaming, drenched in sweat. In a matter of seconds Criss had me wrapped into his arms and was rocking me back and forth as he attempted to calm me down. I cried into his chest for a long time. I fought my hardest to stay awake. I didn't want to dream any more, not ever. I didn't want to feel that pain. Or the helplessness I felt as I stared down at Criss, both of us knowing it was the end. Afraid that the nightmare was going to take over again, I jolted awake the very second I felt my body start to drift off. But inevitably, I had fallen back asleep. At least this time I was in Criss' arms.

When I woke again I felt disoriented. I had no idea what time it was. After looking out the window and seeing total darkness, I guessed it was still early in the night. I could feel Criss wrapped around me tightly, too tight, almost like he was afraid of losing me. And after the night we had, I didn't really blame him. But I was thankful for his body against mine. His presences some how kept the nightmare from returning.

My stomach grumbled loudly and I knew I was eventually going to have to detangle myself from Criss to hunt for food. I felt so secure and happy wrapped in his arms that I didn't want to leave him. But once again, my stomach told me I had no choice. I gazed at his face for a moment before I finally decided I had to get something to eat. I attempted to slowly remove Criss from my body and cursed myself when his eyes shot open.

"Lana?" he asked in a stern voice, no hint of sleep in it. "Are you okay?"

"Yes baby, I'm fine, I just need something to eat. Go back to sleep." I told him as I ran my hand across his face. He sat up and looked at me.

"I can make you something. Come on." he flipped the blankets off and hopped out of bed, and I wondered if he really was asleep. He held his hand out to me, I put my hand in his and he led the way to the kitchen.

"How long was I out?" I asked as I sat at the kitchen table. Criss went right to work with the food.

"Almost 24 hours." he told me and placed a pan onto the stove. 24 hours? Seriously? I must have been exhausted.

I watched as Criss whipped up some scrambled eggs with pancakes and bacon. I realized how hungry I really was when he placed the plate in front of me and I instantly began to devour it. He sat at the table beside me and watched with a smile on his face as I scarfed down the food. I took notice of his alertness and I began to wonder how much sleep he had gotten.

"Did you sleep?" I asked him in between chewing. He shrugged but didn't answer. "Criss." I gave him a disapproving look.

"A little, off and on. I was more worried about you." he finally answered.

"Me?"

"You've been.. pretty shaken since we got home. You've been waking up screaming, tossing and turning, mumbling in your sleep. You kept calling for me, I wanted to keep an eye on you." he admitted. I sighed heavily and continued to work on my food. But at that moment, nothing was going to make my guilt go away, no matter how tasty it was. Criss was dragging himself to the ground to take care of me and it made me feel awful.

Once my stomach and the baby were satisfied, Criss placed the dishes in the sink and led me back to the bedroom. I didn't want to sleep anymore. 24 hours was a little too long for me, but the moment my body hit the bed, I began to feel drowsy again. Criss laid in bed facing me, his smile never fading. He stared at me for a long while, not saying a word.

"A baby?" he finally spoke in a low voice. I watched him for a moment, he didn't seem upset, if anything, he was happy. I nodded, waiting for his reaction. But his smile didn't leave his face, in fact, it got bigger as he leaned in and kissed me.

"Okay, I have to ask, what are you so damn happy about?" I smiled at him. His smile turned into a grin.

"Everything." he answered stared at each other for a moment.

"You're not upset? About.. the baby?" I asked not exactly sure I wanted to hear his answer.

"I couldn't be happier." he smiled. I looked at him questionably. "When I thought Id lost you," he swallowed hard, "it made me rethink some things." he kissed me again and we stayed silent, staring at each other. I didn't want to press him any harder about the baby. I knew his feelings about having kids. And the things that happened in the past. I wasn't sure if he meant what he said. And I wasn't sure if he really did want the baby, so I left that topic alone.

"How did you know? Where to find me?" I asked. Criss sighed heavily and braced himself for the coming conversation, one that neither of us really wanted to relive.

"When I realized you were gone and then I found out Sandra had you. I thought I was never going to see you again." he began. "JD had called right after Costa and I went into my office. He said they finally located Sandra, and that she was in town. Only a couple miles down the road. As soon as I heard that I knew. I knew she was coming after you. I ran into the living room, I was going to tell you everything. But you were gone." his face grew hard and I could tell he was trying his hardest to keep from breaking into tears.

"I tried tracking you on your phone but it was shut off. So I tracked your car." he braced himself for my reaction.

"You tracked my car?" I asked with a little more anger than I meant. He cleared his throat and chuckled.

"It was for your safety." he tried to justify. "After New York, I knew we were in trouble. So I asked JD to put tracking devices on all the vehicles. Because I knew you. I knew you wouldn't like being escorted everywhere, and eventually you would run off on your own." he eyed me with accusation. "So that way, when you _did_ run off, I would know where to find you, if I needed to."

I sighed and shook my head at him. "I guess I cant be mad about that. After all, it did save my life." I rubbed my hand across his cheek and smiled at him. "Wait, New York? How did you know?"

"The black volvo. That's Sandras car. And we had been making progress as to who could have been threatening you, Sandra was at the top of that list. We didn't tell you because we didn't want to alarm you. But then the accident. You said a volvo had cause the accident, and well, that pretty much led us to Sandra. But when we went to look for her, she was gone, no trace of her. Like she disappeared."

"So was that what you were yelling at JD about? On the phone?"

"You heard that?" he asked. I nodded. "Yea, I had JD and Costa out looking for her while we were gone. JD had a good lead on her, but then she disappeared again. He was playing cat and mouse with her."

I thought back to our honeymoon. It was the best time of my life, aside from actually marrying him. I never thought anything of the fact that he was on the phone quite a bit. I figured it was just work related stuff. But now that I knew, it made more sense. That was why he was so quiet while he talked into the phone, or why he would quickly hang up the minute I entered the room. Finally, it was all making sense.

"So that's why you wouldn't let me go anywhere alone? Because you knew Sandra was after me?"

"Yea. We had no idea where she was, but we knew she was going to be waiting for an opportunity. We didn't know what she was planning, but we knew you were her target." we both sat for a moment, reflecting on the past 2 months.

"Did you really mean what you said about me?" I asked, breaking the silence. His face crumpled up and he looked like my words hurt him. He propped himself up onto his elbow and stared down at me.

"Lana, you know I would never think those things about you." he said, his face sincere.

"I know. Well, I thought I knew. But when you said them, it felt so real." I shrugged. "I could understand why you would feel that way. I mean, I haven't exactly been the best girlfriend in the world." I admitted.

"Lana, sweetie," he leaned towards me and ran his finger across my cheek. "I could never feel that way about you. You're my life Lana. I love you more than anything in this world. And it would have killed me if something would have happened to you." he stared down at me.

"I said those things because I thought if Sandra thought I was on her side, she would let you go and then I could snag you and run." he explained. "I was so scared Lana. I saw the fear in your eyes, and the only thing I could do was try to make Sandra believe what I said." he looked heartbroken and on the edge of tears.

"You should be an actor." I chuckled, making his smile return.

"Tried it, wasn't my thing." he teased and kissed my forehead.

"Thank you, for saving me." I whispered softly as I looked him in the eyes. He smiled crookedly at me.

"It was you that saved _me_." he whispered back.

"Criss, if you hadn't ran after her when you did. She would have killed me."

"I would die for you, Lana." he whispered and placed his hand onto my stomach, making me look down. "Both of you." he stated. I look up at him in shock, had he just said what I think he said? Almost as if he read my mind he nodded. He was happy. Just as happy as I was. And now I was certain that he meant what he said. He wanted to start a family.

"I love you Criss." I whispered as I snuggled my head into his chest. He kissed the top of my head.

"I love you Lana." he said back to me. We stayed wrapped around each other for a while before I felt him try to move away from me. He chuckled when he felt my grip on him tighten.

"Baby, Ill be right back. I just need to make a quick phone call." he told me. I gripped him harder and pulled him as close to me as I could.

"Stay, please. Stay here with me, just for now." I pleaded with him. Between what Sandra had done, finding out I was pregnant, and having that awful nightmare repeatedly, I couldn't find it within myself to be without him.

"Ill be with you every second of forever, angel." he whispered to me as he wrapped his arms back around me.

"Why do you call me angel?" I asked before I realized I was speaking out loud.

"Because that's what you are. You're my angel. God sent you to me." I cocked an eyebrow up at him, knowing there was more to it. He sighed. "Do you remember the night before Jo and Sully's wedding? When I came into your room?" I nodded.

"Well, that night was when I decided I wasn't going to stop fighting for you." He laughed as he recalled a memory. "Angel. That was because you're my Criss Angel." I looked up at him puzzled.

"That night, when I was laying in bed with you. I was talking to you in your sleep. I knew you couldn't hear me. But I remember I kept thinking 'I want her to be Mrs. Criss Angel.' and I kept having to remind myself that I wasn't Criss Angel, but Christopher Sarantakos. Because that's what you always told me. That you never saw me as Criss Angel, but you saw me for who I really was. And that's when I realized that you were my Criss Angel." I stayed silent and stared up at him, still confused. What the hell was he talking about? He huffed a laugh and sighed when he realized I still didn't get it.

"Most people see me as magician, but some people also see me as hope. Because I achieved so much after fighting so hard for it, that I gave people hope that your dreams can come true. And that's what I think when I see you. That you were my real dream. And without you, I wouldn't be the person I am right now, I wouldn't be as happy as I am now. And I wouldn't be starting a new chapter of my life if it weren't for you. You're my Criss Angel, angel." he whispered the last part and kissed the top of my head.

"Corney isn't it?" he chuckled. I giggled along with him.

"Completely." I grinned up at him. He leaned down and kissed me. "And all that time, I thought you took advantage of my drunken state that night. Instead you laid in bed with a completely drunk woman, and pondered over how to get her back. You're such a sap." I laughed.

"Shut up." he laughed with me and kissed me hard. "Ill take advantage of you now." he grinned.


	47. A thousand years

**A thousand years**

* * *

_All of my doubt, suddenly goes away somehow,_

_One step closer._

_I have died everyday waiting for you,_

_Darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years,_

_Ill love you for a thousand more._

_Christina Perri - A Thousand Years._

* * *

"Criss." Lana called quietly. "Criss, I think its time." she said as she lightly shook me.

"Its time?" I yelled quickly jumping out of bed and running to grab my clothes. Lana sat on the bed, watching me amusement. She watched as I panicked and ran through the room, grabbing anything I could think of, her clothes, my clothes, the diaper bag.

"Babe, you can calm down, we are in no hurry, the contractions are barely noticeable." She smiled at me. A wave of relief rushed over me and a slowed my pace. Still picking up our things and shoving them into a duffel bag. She giggled quietly. "I'm gonna go get the stuff from the bathroom." she said.

I stopped her before she could walk away. Turned her around to face me and kissed her passionately. "I love you Lana," I placed my hand onto her stomach and her fingers laced themselves into mine, "and our little babies. We're finally going to have our own little family." I kissed her again. She pulled her head back and looked into my eyes softly, then grinned from ear to ear.

"Yes we are." she smiled. I kissed her one last time and sent her to the bathroom. I turned back to the duffel bag and continued to shove things into it. I knew I was over killing the packing, but the last thing I wanted was to miss the girls being born because I had to run home for something.

When the duffel bag was ready to break apart, I remembered I had loads of family members to wake up. Being that we were about to have our babies, I didn't think anyone would care for the 3 o'clock wake up call. I pulled my phone from the charger and quickly dialed my mom. Not caring that she was only on the other side of the house. It was just quicker this way. It rang a few times before she answered.

"Christopher?" she asked with a groggy voice. "why are you.."

"Ma, its time." I cut her off. I could practically hear her heart beat quicken through the phone.

"Right now? Oh my god! Its about time! You need to make sure the diaper bag is packed. And get the car seats in the truck. And make sure you..."

"Ma, ma, _ma!_" I had to yell to stop her from her ranting. "Lana said its slow, barely noticeable, we just want to get to the hospital before things get bad. You are more than welcome to come up to the hospital, but I have no idea how long it could be." I explained to her.

"Oh Christopher! I don't care if I have to be there for 4 days! I want to be there when my grand babies are born." she told me in a stern voice, making me smile even more than I already was.

"Okay, can you do me a favor and wake up JD and Costa? And Lanas mom and dad too." I asked her.

"No problem Christopher. don't worry, I have everything handled here, you just get my daughter and grand babies to the hospital safely. We will all meet you guys up there. Don't have those babies without me!" she demanded in a joking manner. "I love you Christopher!"

"I love you too ma." I told her, and then the line was dead. She was so excited that she almost hung up on me. I laughed, shaking my head as I placed my phone into my back pocket.

"Criss!" Lana screamed from the bathroom. I raced to the bathroom and stood in the doorway. Lana stood in the middle of the room. Holding a hair brush in her hand she glared at me, panic covered her face. Looking down to the floor I noticed a small puddle of water that pooled around her feet. Her pajama bottoms were soaked. She looked down to the floor and then back to me.

"Now you can panic!" She yelled.

"Shit! Lana! Lets go, now!" I instructed her. She looked back to the bathroom cabinet. "yea, Ill send one of my brothers here to pick up our stuff. No more time to pack, we need to go _now_." I snagged her around the waist, pulling her to the truck as quickly as I could, but her contractions were already starting to get hard. Every few feet we would have to stop so she could take a couple deep breaths. Once we were outside and she was safely in the truck, I dialed the hospital, and started up the engine and headed for the hospital, driving a little faster then I should have been.

"Saint Rose Dominican hospital, this is Kelly how may I help you?" a soft voice answered the phone.

"Yea, my wifes water just broke, we are on our way to the hospital right now." I said all in one voice.

"Okay, can you tell me how far apart her contractions are?" She asked.

"Uh, I don't know, Id say maybe 3 minutes." I answered.

"Okay, how long ago did her water break?"

"About 5 minutes ago."

"Patients name and her doctor?"

"Lana Sarantokos, and her doctors name is Dr. wells."

"Okay, Mr. Sarantokos, we will page her doctor immediately, get here as soon as you can, but drive safe, we will be ready and waiting for you." Kelly told me. I hung up the phone and snapped my head to Lana.

"How are you feeling?" I knew it was a stupid question, but it needed to be asked. Lana looked over at me and smiled, sweat was already starting to break onto her forehead. Her hands were wrapped tightly around the door handle and the arm rest.

"I'm fine baby. Just get us there safely okay?" She smiled and placed a hand on top of mine. I pulled her hand up to my mouth and kissed it. She smiled at me wider before she yanked her hand away, throwing it onto her stomach, bracing back into the seat, jamming her head into her chest and holding her breath.

"Lana? Lana you better not be pushing! Lana look at me!" my eyes darted from her to the road, back and forth, "Lana, okay, if there's one thing I know about all of this, is you _don't_ push before we get to the hospital. Lana? Lana! Are you listening to me?" She let her breath out, making a loud groan as it left her lungs. Her breathing picked up pace and she started panting.

"Criss, I don't think were going to make it." She stated.

"We're almost there baby. Just hang on, and don't. push." I told her, snagging her hand into mine again. Not a good idea. It took all my concentration to stay on the road as another contraction came and Lana used my hand as a stress ball. If I didn't know any better, Id thought I heard a couple fingers crack. "We're here baby! We're here!" I yelled as we pulled up to the front doors. I sat there for a moment, on the verge of screaming, waiting for Lana to release my hand. Her grip loosened and she let out a loud breath again.

I jumped from the truck quickly, running to the other side. I saw 3 nurses standing outside the front door, one of them holding onto the arms of a wheel chair. Relief passed over me as I realized we did make it. But I knew it was far from over. The nurses walked to my passenger door as I opened it, helping Lana out and setting her into the wheel chair. Headlights shone behind my truck.

"JD!" I yelled to him. He jumped from the passenger seat onto the sidewalk. I flung my keys at him quickly. "Park it for me please?"

"Sure thing." he shouted back. The nurses were already halfway through the doors. I jogged to catch up with them, taking Lanas hand in mine as I walked along side the wheel chair. She glanced up at me, her eyes withered in pain, but her face pure joy.

"Are you ready?" I whispered to her, making her grin from ear to ear.

"Don t start that! That's what got us into this mess." She chuckled as we entered the birthing room.

I followed behind the nurses as they started to explain the process. I helped her up onto the hospital bed, and stripped her down and into her hospital gown, then took a seat on the chair beside it. Her breathing had calmed and her eyes now showed a hint of relief. Which didn't last long before another contraction.

The nurses went to work quickly. Hooking up an IV, strapping on a monitors to her belly and pulling out many hospital instruments. Two nurses walked in, both pushing a baby bed in front of them, they pushed them to the side of the room and quickly left. I watched Lana as she took everything in, watching them, her expression changing from panic to wonder and back to panic. She turned her head to me, her expression now scared. I inched closer to her and kiss her.

"I love you baby, we're gonna get through this." I assured her. Just then Ann and my mom walked through the door.

"Lana!" Ann shrieked.

"Mom!" Lana whimpered, almost in tears. Her mom ran to her and hugged her tightly. "Hold on, another one." Lana said, her face turning red. Ann backed away and watched as her daughter clamped down onto the bed rails and braced herself. My mom walked to me and stood behind me, placing her hands on my shoulders and squeezing. Lana had decided from the beginning that her mom, my mom and me were to be the ones in the room with her.

"Your father would be so proud of you right now." Ma whispered into my ear, her voice cracking. Tears threatened to break from my eyes. I held them back, knowing I needed to be strong, strong for Lana and I both. I clamped my hand on top of my moms and slipped my fingers into hers. Lanas contraction faded and she let out her breath.

"Lana! Are you ready?" Dr. Wells chimed as she entered the room. Lana and I exchanged a look and she grinned. "So I'm going to check you and see where we are." she said as she pulled on some blue surgical gloves and went to work. "Well, seems you got here just in time, those babies are ready." My mothers grip on my shoulders tightened and I could feel her excitement vibrate through me.

"I love you angel, you're doing great, I love you." I whispered to Lana as I kissed her forehead. I looked at her and her eyes met with mine.

"You ready to meet your baby girls?" she asked. And I was. It was the most wonderful thing I had experience in my life. Watching my two baby girls be brought into the world.

"Your mommy took care of you for nine months, now I'm going to take care of you for the rest of your lives." I whispered down to my two newborn babies. I kissed Lana and the babies on the forehead. At that moment, nothing could take away my happiness. And as I sat on the bed next to Lana, staring down at my three girls that meant the world to me, I realized that I now had the life that I always wanted. And the adventures had only begun.

_**The End**_


	48. A final note from the author

I wanted to say thank you to all of you! Thank you for reading and thank you so much for the reviews :) It makes me very happy that so many of you enjoyed the story. I enjoyed writing it very much and I was sad that it had to end.

My college courses start tomorrow morning and they are going to keep me very very busy, so I probably will not have much time to write, BUT, that being said, in the future there may be more stories from me. I absolutely love writing and hope that Im good enough at it to keep an audience :)

I do currently have a bit of a Jared Leto story that is in the works, but I dont want to post it until I get more done on it, that way if my schedule gets too crazy and I dont have time to write, I dont disappoint anyone. (if any of you dont know who Jared Leto is, look him up, one of thee sexiest men alive :D) So hopefully I can get enough going to post it soon :) I also have an original story that I have started and I hope taking my classes will give me a better understanding of writing so that one day I can turn my original into an actual book :) (hey, a girl can dream lol)

So in the mean time, I will plot and attempt to write other stories and hopefully I can come up with something that you guys will love just as much as this one :) So again, thank you _so_ much to all of you!

Love,

Freak Girl :)


	49. Update

So, I was thinking of re-writing both _Magic of dreams _and _Life is loves enemy_. Since Ive starting taking my writing class I feel a lot more confident in my writing and feel that I may have improved on some of my bad spots. Don't worry, the story line isnt going to change, but I feel like I jumped around too much and things went too quickly. Just basically wanted to add some more details into the story. So, heres to hoping I can make things a bit better :) And I will hopefully get started soon, since Ive now gotten into a rhythm of managing my classes and time better. This is something Im going to slowly do over time so bare with me :)


End file.
